stop overthinking - how to ?

[erklat]

Hi,

 

We are divorced.

 

Me - I'm 28y old computer programmer on the rise

in the career. Considered extremely successful in

our social circle, I live alone and can afford myself

and kid a decent living. I have suffered terrible three

years period financially and a heartbreak documented

here also so I know it is possible to achieve if you strive

towards it enough. Also I'm very liberal.

 

Her - 29, unemployed and very static. One part in our

divorce is her family which lives on the verge of poverty

and the second is her self taught helplessness that

among other things jeopardized my career.

 

The problem - she took the child to her parents. Their

household has five members now, none of them employed.

They are extremely static and all of them lack ambition.

On the other hand I consider them okay grandparents in

comparison to my family.

 

The issue is that since I know there is a way out 'coz I did

it. Now I'm worried that kid will inherit those traits and will

learn that same kind of helplessness and lack of ambition .

Also the conditions the kid is now are poor compared to how

am I living. Kids in early grades here are cruel and I want to

prevent him going through some experiences I had

to witness at that age.

 

I hope you understand the issue ? Can you help me shift my

perspective?

 

I pay for kid and I visit him.

[noelle303]

Well, you mentioned that they are good grandparents. If they are loving towards your child then he can have good balance of a loving family and a role model in you.

 

Make sure that you are involved and hands on. Talk to your child about his interests, encourage them, pay for lessons, sports, extracurricular activities and be present. Show him by example what work ethic means.

 

Personally, my parents aren't divorced but my dad is a successful attorney and my mom is a homemaker. I got a very healthy balance of what it means to be a hard worker and what it means to be an involved, preset and loving parent. Ambition and money are important in life, but they aren't everything.

 

You can't stress about what kind of a parent you chose for your child. What's done is done, all you can do is try YOUR best to raise your child and form him into a person he needs to be.

Edited May 3, 2016 by noelle303

[Gloria25]

Can you get sole custody and/or her to sign away her parental rights?

[erklat]

Can you get sole custody and/or her to sign away her parental rights?

 

She's okay mom I think, better than I could ever be. I think I could make

social service grant me the custody but I wouldn't do that. I don't hate her

but the possibility of kid inheriting lack of interests and ambition could

potentially seal his life at the age of 20. I know because I escaped in the last

second such circumstances .

 

I'd prefer if she changed and became interested in something. For example she

has an eye for detail and is good with manicure. I told her I would get her a laptop

and 3G modem so she could resell things from eBay here, also futile .

 

I know I'm harsh and biased but apart from being okay grandparents they are

typical hillbillies. I dont want my kid to be that. He'll most likely want to come over

and live with me at the age of 10-12, but I think it could be too late.

[anika99]

Agree so much with Noelle. If his mom and grandparents are loving and kind then they are sharing the best of themselves with him. You need to stay involved in his life and share the best of yourself with him too. It sounds like you have the means to finance his education and talents so do so. Between you and his moms family he will probably grow into a well rounded adult.

[GunslingerRoland]

So you don't have any custody? May I ask why not? That is unusual given the circumstances.

 

 

Also what does that mean, when you say they are static. Maybe I'm not hip on the latest lingo, but I don't know what that means applied to people (and not classes )

 

 

But lots of people come from families where the parents are educated and have good jobs, and then go on to do nothing themselves. And lots of people come from nothing and are highly successful. There is definitely a correlation between socio economic status and success in life, but it isn't as much about inheriting laziness as it is about access to proper nutrition and education.

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though you're willing to pay for him and 'visit' him, yet you're certainly not doing much in the way of RAISING him.

 

You seem adverse to having shared custody of him and instead just want her to suddenly become someone she's NEVER been before.

 

You knew what she was before you had a kid with her. Why the sudden expectations for her to become a career woman when she NEVER was before?

 

You don't want your kid to 'become' this and you don't want him to 'become' that, yet he continues to live in a home of ne'er do wells while you complain about it but don't DO anything to fix it. You're not willing to put the work and dedication into actually being a PART of raising him, other than 'visiting' him, it would appear.

 

Well, you reap what you sow. If you're not willing to be the change in his life, it's not going to happen by osmosis.

[SoleMate]

I have a hard time reconciling these claims. For instance, this:

 

....her family....lives on the verge of poverty and [she displays] self taught helplessness that among other things jeopardized my career.....The problem - she took the child to her parents. Their household has five members now, none of them employed. They are extremely static and all of them lack ambition....I'm worried that kid will inherit those traits and will learn that same kind of helplessness and lack of ambition. Also the conditions the kid is now are poor compared to how am I living....

 

doesn't mesh with this:

She's okay [as a] mom I think, better than I could ever be...

 

What, she has the kid with "static" hillbillies in "poor conditions" on the "verge of poverty", yet that's a better life than you could offer? Why, exactly?

 

....they are....typical hillbillies. I dont want my kid to be that. He'll most likely want to come over and live with me at the age of 10-12, but I think it could be too late.....

So, your current parenting plan is to wait for the KID to decide to make a change in his circumstances?

 

I pay for kid and I visit him.

Your concern for your son's future does you credit. However, your lack of awareness as to the need for guidance, love, and parenting is baffling. I'm sure the ex's family aren't the creme de la creme socioeconomically. OTOH, they have stepped up along with your wife to provide a home for your son......something that you're not doing. You don't even seem interested in doing, sadly. Just a vague concern that the kid may turn out to resemble his caregivers.

 

Can you help me shift my perspective?

Yes. All the adults in this child's life should be acting in his best interest to care for him, and nurture, teach, guide, and love him. There is only one adult you can control, which is you. Therefore, change your perspective to ask yourself what is best for your son that is within your power. Then do that. And also stop making the unavailing excuses as to why you have abandoned your son to people whom you feel are likely to warp or stunt him. You're putting way too much attention on your ex's supposed failings, and far too little on what YOU should be doing.

 

A better topic sentence would have been: "How can I best care for my son despite certain disadvantages in his current living situation?" Then go from there. Stop fantasizing that the zebra will change its stripes.

[basil67]

I agree with a lot which has been said about your parenting of your child. If you have good work ethics, then become a very active role model to your child. Do you have the child overnight? If so, how often? If you don't have them overnight, why not?

[erklat]

What, she has the kid with "static" hillbillies in "poor conditions" on the "verge of poverty", yet that's a better life than you could offer? Why, exactly?

 

Because success costs. I will tell you now how much. About 9-10hrs daily at work, and often additional 1-2hrs home learning new technologies to remain

competetive at what you're already good at. So unless my kid perceives looking

at my back training then, yeah, she's probably better entertaining him.

 

I agree with a lot which has been said about your parenting of your child. If you have good work ethics, then become a very active role model to your child. Do you have the child overnight? If so, how often? If you don't have them overnight, why not?

 

No. Kid lives 300km away. I have overnight custody every two weeks

but since he's a toddler then she's with us all the time. I could probably

raise the question of poor conditions for social service to examine, but

I don't hate her to take her the kid, but I want to see at least a will

to get employed and to provide him materially satisfiying childhood also.

[noelle303]

Because success costs. I will tell you now how much. About 9-10hrs daily at work, and often additional 1-2hrs home learning new technologies to remain

competetive at what you're already good at. So unless my kid perceives looking

at my back training then, yeah, she's probably better entertaining him.

 

 

 

No. Kid lives 300km away. I have overnight custody every two weeks

but since he's a toddler then she's with us all the time. I could probably

raise the question of poor conditions for social service to examine, but

I don't hate her to take her the kid, but I want to see at least a will

to get employed and to provide him materially satisfiying childhood also.

 

So what I am guessing you want us to help you with is how to motivate your ex to get employed?

 

I'm sorry, we can't do that. You can't control her life, not as her partner and certainly not as her ex-partner. She is the peron that she is and she will live her life the way she wants to live her life. You need to deal with that and do your part in raising your son to be a productive member of society - you both are responsible for this, not just her.