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Gloria25

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Ok, today has been a long day for me...

 

Anywho my neice confided in me that my step-niece (step-daughter to my brother) is either sexually active or had sex once.

 

I told my niece that I need to tell my brother...but I haven't yet.

 

I believe he should know cuz she is a minor and he is responsible for her. He's expressed concern about her and how her mom is raising her.

 

There was an incident like a yr or so ago where her mom asked me to call the cops on an older kid who was trying to hook-up with her and first thing cop asked was to see her Facebook and come to find out mom was oblivious that she's been chatting with this boy.

 

They give her a tablet, celphone and laptop and don't supervise/snoop.

 

Mom told me she's leveled with her and told her this/that about getting knocked up and only allows her to see boy at their apt. Ok, well if she's doing such a great job, then how did the sex happen?

 

I don't know. She's not my brother's kid and I believe it's up to her mom to raise her. Plus, my brother has been clear that if she ever gets knocked up, she's out.

 

So, do I tell my brother? Part of me is like this is none of my business.

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Your brother would throw her out if she got pregnant. What a fine, upstanding man he sounds like (sarcasm). You think a parent should read all of a teen's online correspondence. And you don't know why a woman would want to marry. Makes me wonder what type role models your parents were.

 

Before you go sticking your nose in, first learn the facts. Is the boy her age or similar? Does her mother know? Is the girl using contraception? Do you know the story is true? Because it sounds like you'd be tattling on here say.

 

You do know that no amount of parenting can stop a horny teen from having sex? Sure, a parent can be in denial and think that their supervision makes a difference - but it really doesn't.

 

Anyway, given your brother's attitude, I'd stay out of it.

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I agree that we would need more information before giving you any responsible advice. How old is she exactly and what is the boy's age?

 

I mean, if she is 15/16 or older and it is with a boy approximately her age I would not meddle and would even certainly warn your niece that it is not nice to gossip and talk about other people's personal stuff like that.

 

Over 47% of high school students in this country are having sex. Hell, I was one od them and I fully accept that my daughter could be one of them as long as I teach her to engage in healthy, responsible and safe sex.

 

Let me ask you another question. Would you be so worried if it was a step-nephew in the same situation? I feel like everyone is so involved in protecting teenage girls' virtues and meddling in their sexual choices. Fact is, it is a private matter, if teenagers don't want to inform their parents or anyone else for that matter, that should be respected. Of course, this only applies when there is consentual and safe sex going on and their parents have provided them with all the necessary information.

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If shes 14 and the guys in he's twenties - tell your brother.

 

 

If shes 15 and the lads similar - its not your place.

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RecentChange

Unless you chain yourself to them 24/7, if a teen wants to have sex they can and will.

 

Talking about the importance of safe sex, and making condoms and spermicide available (my highschool BF was SOOOOO scared of an "opps" we used both - and had easy access to both!) would be prudent.

 

Kick her out if she got knocked up.... I bet that is about as effective at preventing teen pregnancy as abstinence only education.

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I agree that we would need more information before giving you any responsible advice. How old is she exactly and what is the boy's age?

 

I mean, if she is 15/16 or older and it is with a boy approximately her age I would not meddle and would even certainly warn your niece that it is not nice to gossip and talk about other people's personal stuff like that.

 

Over 47% of high school students in this country are having sex. Hell, I was one od them and I fully accept that my daughter could be one of them as long as I teach her to engage in healthy, responsible and safe sex.

 

Let me ask you another question. Would you be so worried if it was a step-nephew in the same situation? I feel like everyone is so involved in protecting teenage girls' virtues and meddling in their sexual choices. Fact is, it is a private matter, if teenagers don't want to inform their parents or anyone else for that matter, that should be respected. Of course, this only applies when there is consentual and safe sex going on and their parents have provided them with all the necessary information.

 

It's not a "private matter". Teenagers can have all the privacy they want when they are 100% responsible for themselves. They are still developing physically and psychologically, sex is gonna interfere with that. They are not capable to handle what comes with sex.

 

If I could go back in a time machine I wouldn't have been sexually active in my teens. Oh, BTW, there are kids who don't/haven't had sex in their teens and somehow survived.

 

BTW, one of her "friends" is a teen mom, dude doesn't wanna have a thing to do with her and the kid and actually married another girl.

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It's not a "private matter". Teenagers can have all the privacy they want when they are 100% responsible for themselves. They are still developing physically and psychologically, sex is gonna interfere with that. They are not capable to handle what comes with sex.

 

If I could go back in a time machine I wouldn't have been sexually active in my teens. Oh, BTW, there are kids who don't/haven't had sex in their teens and somehow survived.

 

BTW, one of her "friends" is a teen mom, dude doesn't wanna have a thing to do with her and the kid and actually married another girl.

 

Well you can push the line that sex isn't a 'private matter' with your own children. But it's none of your business what someone else's child does. If you weren't judgemental, I would possibly suggest that you initiate a conversation with the girl and discuss contraception, but I'm not sure you'd be able to do this without creating damage.

 

Why did you write "friend" with inverted commas? Sounds suspiciously like you're making her out to be a lesser person simply because she's a teen mom.

Edited by basil67
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RecentChange

Sure. There are teens that don't have sex and turn out great!

 

There are also teens who have sex - and turn out just fine as well - as long as they are informed, safe, etc.

 

I do think "best friend teen mom" is a red flag, just because I saw a few girls go down that road, I swear a family friend (neighbors daughter) got pregnant so she could be pregnant and have a baby along with her bestie :rolleyes:

 

And she did get kicked out - and she came to live with my family - because they were the open and supportive type.

 

In the end, predictably, 20 years later this has not been a good path for her.

 

My close friends and I were sexually active in high school - but we played it safe. We were the "A" students in school, and understood how important it was to NOT get pregnant. On top of that, we had parents who didn't preach abstinence, but rather safe sex - and made contraception readily available - from before the time I even considered being sexually active, my mom had condoms available in the hall closet at her house "just in case I needed them".

 

From my experience, threatening "being kicked out" is less effective than having a talk with a teen and saying "if you are going to have sex" I want to stress how important it is to be SAFE. Talk to them about condoms, about "come backs" if he says he doesn't want to use one. About disease and pregnancy.

 

"No because I said so" rarely works with teens, but arming them with information so they can hopefully make better choices often works.

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Ok, today has been a long day for me...

 

Anywho my neice confided in me that my step-niece (step-daughter to my brother) is either sexually active or had sex once.

 

I told my niece that I need to tell my brother...but I haven't yet.

 

I believe he should know cuz she is a minor and he is responsible for her. He's expressed concern about her and how her mom is raising her.

 

There was an incident like a yr or so ago where her mom asked me to call the cops on an older kid who was trying to hook-up with her and first thing cop asked was to see her Facebook and come to find out mom was oblivious that she's been chatting with this boy.

 

They give her a tablet, celphone and laptop and don't supervise/snoop.

 

Mom told me she's leveled with her and told her this/that about getting knocked up and only allows her to see boy at their apt. Ok, well if she's doing such a great job, then how did the sex happen?

 

I don't know. She's not my brother's kid and I believe it's up to her mom to raise her. Plus, my brother has been clear that if she ever gets knocked up, she's out.

 

So, do I tell my brother? Part of me is like this is none of my business.

 

I would want to know what my kids are up to. I imagine you would too.

 

Tell your brother and his wife what's up.

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I would want to know what my kids are up to. I imagine you would too.

 

Tell your brother and his wife what's up.

 

What makes you think the mother doesn't already know? What conversations has the girl and her mother already had?

 

I have a sexually active teen. We have open conversations about consent and contraception. If some busybody came to me to inform me that my child was sexually active....lets just say I would be less than impressed with them.

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amaysngrace

I'd avoid getting involved especially because it's all hearsay at this time. What happens when they ask how you know? You're going to throw your own niece under the bus?

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If some busybody came to me to inform me that my child was sexually active....lets just say I would be less than impressed with them.

 

If some 'busybody' told me stuff like that, I wouldn't be impressed either.

 

But this isn't some 'busybody'. This is family. And, I don't consider family 'busybodies'.

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It's not a "private matter". Teenagers can have all the privacy they want when they are 100% responsible for themselves. They are still developing physically and psychologically, sex is gonna interfere with that. They are not capable to handle what comes with sex.

 

If I could go back in a time machine I wouldn't have been sexually active in my teens. Oh, BTW, there are kids who don't/haven't had sex in their teens and somehow survived.

 

BTW, one of her "friends" is a teen mom, dude doesn't wanna have a thing to do with her and the kid and actually married another girl.

 

I respectfully disagree. People don't physically mature until their mid-twenties and physiologically mature throughout their lives. 18 is a very arbitrary age to assume someone is suddenly matured enough.

 

I think we need to stop treating teenage girls like mindless idiots incapable of making decisions regarding their own bodies. It only harms their own self-image and confidence.

 

Just because you had a bad experience being sexually active in high school, you can't project that on to other people. I wouldn't take my experiences back, I learned a lot from them and they are a part of me. My parents' job was to educate me fully on what's at stake if I have unprotected sex, not to snoop and make decisions for me. Plus, no amount of control would have stopped me from doing what I want, it would just prevent me from going to my parents for support and advice.

 

All in all, yes, I believe that it is uneccessary that everyone has an opinion on a teenager's sex life and everyone feels the need to be involved. It is their choice, just because you raise them, doesn't mean you own them.

 

Plus I feel a lot of judgement from your post and almost a little bit od slutshaming. Just my opinion.

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If some 'busybody' told me stuff like that, I wouldn't be impressed either.

 

But this isn't some 'busybody'. This is family. And, I don't consider family 'busybodies'.

 

And yet, other people find that family can be overly interfering. Bloodlines do not give someone the right to get involved in something which is none of their business.

Edited by basil67
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Do any of our opinions really even matter?

 

The only opinions that matter are those of the parents. And they don't know! :laugh:

 

So, do I tell my brother? Part of me is like this is none of my business.

 

I'm not sure how close your family is, or what your relationship is like with your brother.

 

My family is very tight. There's no way I wouldn't be telling my brother this, and I would be fully expecting the same from him. I'd feel really let down otherwise.

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LivingWaterPlease

Gloria25, your step niece gave you this information for a reason. I would show her how much you care for her by talking with her about this in a relaxed and non preachy way; presenting scenarios to her that could arise and asking her questions as to how she would handle each situation.

 

I believe I'd let her know at some point during the talk that I was going to need to let her parents know so that they could prepare to help her out if/when she got pregnant or got a disease. I'd make sure she knows the importance of safe sex before telling your brother yet I'd also explain that though it's absolutely important to use condoms it isn't 100 percent effective as birth control or disease prevention.

 

No, you can't prevent unmarried teens from having sex. But, you can show them that you care for them by trying to help them see the danger they're putting themselves in. And once in a while it actually makes a difference.

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While we are discussing about being 'family', it must be pointed out that her brother is a step father - not a blood relation. This puts Gloria in the role of meddling inlaw. Perhaps blood does play a role in tight families when it comes to helping each other. But very few of us welcome meddling inlaws.

 

Even if the inlaw thing can be gotten past, it must be remembered that this step father is the type who would throw his partner's child out of the house. He is not the kind of man who can be trusted to use such information wisely.

 

Gloria, if you must tell - tell the girl's mother directly. After all, she is the only one who has any parenting rights here. If your relationship with your sister in law is not good enough to get involved, then don't get involved.

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While we are discussing about being 'family', it must be pointed out that her brother is a step father - not a blood relation.

 

So he's good enough to bring the child up (provide and all the rest), but not good enough to know her 'business'?

 

When it suits, blood lines must be drawn?

 

Is this the kind of disrespect you expect step-fathers should put up with?

 

Really, really harsh.

 

Even if the inlaw thing can be gotten past, it must be remembered that this step father is the type who would throw his partner's child out of the house. He is not the kind of man who can be trusted to use such information wisely.

 

Who are you to decide that?

 

A minute ago, you were going on about busy-bodies...

 

After all, she is the only one who has any parenting rights here.

 

Wow.

Edited by Jabron1
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I still don't think that Gloria should say anything. But if she is determined to say something, she should go to the girl's parent - not the step parent.

 

And for what it's worth, I don't think a step mother should get a say in parenting her step child either. This isn't gender bias - it's acknowledgment that most stuff I have heard/read about step parenting advises to leave the parenting to the bio parent. The step parent can support the rules, but they don't get to make the rules.

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If you weren't judgemental, I would possibly suggest that you initiate a conversation with the girl and discuss contraception, but I'm not sure you'd be able to do this without creating damage.

 

This ^^^

 

I too would want to know about my kids but it really depends who tells and how. I spoke to my teenage son and he wants to abstain ( he is 18 ).Fair enough ! It IS my business to know till he is 19.Its MY responsibility as a father.

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I'm not a "meddling in-law" or "busy body"...

 

This info about my niece was dropped on me by another relative when we were at the doctors this week and she was talking about picking up a packet of "safe sex" stuff the doctor had in the office. My relative dumped this crap in my lap, I didn't go fishing.

 

I, like my brother, suspected something was up with the niece-in-law anyways. You don't have some boy sending you roses on V-day for nothing. She also dresses a bit much for me.

 

According to my relative, her mum knows about her sexual activity already. Her mum has come to me and her mum has a more "liberal" view cuz like a lot of so-called "parents" now a days, she has an attitude about giving her kid more lee-way cuz she thinks if she tightens up on her, she'll wanna sneak even more. So, as you see, being liberal doesn't help either...if teens are wanna get some, they're gonna find a way. Being "liberal" is like saying "Ok, thieves are gonna rob you, so why should I lock up my house?" Her mum was also a teen-mom, so there you go.

 

So, seeing how kids are wanna get some if they're gonna be intent on it, I lean more towards being an actual "parent" and "parenting" - not giving them liberties in hopes they don't want more.

 

But, my niece is more likely to be chasing boys other than other girls cuz she - like most girls who didn't/don't have a close RL with their natural fathers, are gonna seek out boys early cuz they want male attention that they didn't get from home. I tried explaining that to them, but they don't get it.

 

I decided to stay out of it. Cuz, since mum knows...if I go to my brother it's like we're double-teaming up against her mother. Besides, I think my brother suspects stuff is going down - hence his zero-tolerance attitude if she gets knocked up. He especially has issue with the company she keeps (i.e. the teen mom that's her bestie).

Edited by Gloria25
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And for what it's worth, I don't think a step mother should get a say in parenting her step child either. This isn't gender bias - it's acknowledgment that most stuff I have heard/read about step parenting advises to leave the parenting to the bio parent.

 

We all know that mothers get custody by default. It was one of the first priorities of feminists in the 19th century. Therefore, this is going to overwhelmingly be a far bigger issue for men.

 

You are basically making out step fathers to be a non-entity. Which is funny, because whenever I've expressed a distaste on here for turning provider to a single mothers children, I've been lambasted for it. You also took offence to Gloria's quotation marks for 'teen mom'. Well that teen mom is going to find a step-dad, and that sucker is going to provide and be looked at like dirt too for doing it.

 

It's always about convenience to women. It's convenient that he provides, but not convenient that he has any say that you disagree with.

 

The step parent can support the rules, but they don't get to make the rules.

 

If it's going on under her brother's roof, it's his rules. End of.

 

Personally, I don't agree with the kicking out threat, but I'm not the one paying the bills. I don't get a say. See how it works?

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We all know that mothers get custody by default. It was one of the first priorities of feminists in the 19th century. Therefore, this is going to overwhelmingly be a far bigger issue for men.

 

You are basically making out step fathers to be a non-entity. Which is funny, because whenever I've expressed a distaste on here for turning provider to a single mothers children, I've been lambasted for it. You also took offence to Gloria's quotation marks for 'teen mom'. Well that teen mom is going to find a step-dad, and that sucker is going to provide and be looked at like dirt too for doing it.

 

It's always about convenience to women. It's convenient that he provides, but not convenient that he has any say that you disagree with.

 

 

 

If it's going on under her brother's roof, it's his rules. End of.

 

Personally, I don't agree with the kicking out threat, but I'm not the one paying the bills. I don't get a say. See how it works?

 

As much as I agree with you - that doesn't happen in real life. That's why over 70% of 2nd marriages end up in divorce. Yes, you're the step-parent and providing support (emotional, financial, etc.), but still, the natural parent of your step-kid(s) is gonna be protective/defensive over "their" kid. They're gonna even go to the extremes of spoiling those kids at your expense. And, you dare not say nothing to them cuz people more than likely are gonna chose their kid over you.

 

That's why I decided to stay out of this, cuz this is a step-niece...not my brother's natural child. If this was my brother's daughter - oh yes, I'd tell him since yesterday.

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noelle303
We all know that mothers get custody by default. It was one of the first priorities of feminists in the 19th century. Therefore, this is going to overwhelmingly be a far bigger issue for men.

 

You are basically making out step fathers to be a non-entity. Which is funny, because whenever I've expressed a distaste on here for turning provider to a single mothers children, I've been lambasted for it. You also took offence to Gloria's quotation marks for 'teen mom'. Well that teen mom is going to find a step-dad, and that sucker is going to provide and be looked at like dirt too for doing it.

 

It's always about convenience to women. It's convenient that he provides, but not convenient that he has any say that you disagree with.

 

 

 

If it's going on under her brother's roof, it's his rules. End of.

 

Personally, I don't agree with the kicking out threat, but I'm not the one paying the bills. I don't get a say. See how it works?

 

Who said that he is the main provider? I'm a single mom and my child is provided for by me. And if I ever get married to someone the same will remain - me and her father will be carrying out our financial responsibilities towards our child. A stepdad can be her support, her friend, someone to talk to or do things with but the "parenting" is done by her parents, if they are both involved and able.

 

Therefore, if I ever get married it will not be to find myself and my child a "provider", it will not be for the financial convenience and it will not be HIS roof, but also mine and my child's roof. And if he dared to even suggest kicking her out of there for anything she did, he'd be the one packing his bags.

 

I sense you have issues towards women so I'm just going to back out now.

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