Disagreements & Co-parenting

[Blue08]

My ex and have many differences when it comes to raising our boys.

 

He is very controlling in very small areas of their life in my opinion...for example our 7 year old has to wear underwear at bedtime so he gets into a habit of wearing underwear?

I find this a little bizarre that he even thinks of this in the first place and he has is asking me to carry this out when he is with me.

Me, I think obviously he wears underwear during the day (which is not an issue) & bedtime is about being comfortable, he doesn't like wearing underwear under his pajamas.

 

He is VERY opinionated about everything, and he believes he is always right. I believe he wants the kids to succeed so bad, that he won't let them make their choices because he doesn't want them to fail.

 

I think it's ok if they mess up, let them find their way of doing things, let them figure it out and give guidance along the way, and there is more than one way to do something.

 

My 7yr old is have #2 "accidents" all that time. He makes him clean his underwear in the bathtub after he has them.....this has been going on for years, nothing has changed, it is not working!

 

The boys are with me 6 days out of the month, and the rest with him, or his parents. If the kids misbehave it's my fault, because they don't respect me and that's my fault, because I don't have a schedule ( I have them on the weekends) because I don't have a routine.

 

He talks about routine, and scheduled so much I want to scratch his eyeballs out when he is talking. I literally hate talking about it bc I think it is done without saying. Yes, clean up after yourself, Yes, a bedtime, Yes get dressed in the morning, Yes, hang up your jacket, Yes, brush your teeth before bed. He is so is stuck on being structured he won't let the boys stay with me during week because they need to have the same routine every night: h/w, dinner, story time, bedtime, etc. ( and yes I am willing to do all the driving, picking them, taking them to school and taking them back to their dads, I am willing to do whatever, whenever so I can spend more time with them, BUT HE ALWAYS SAYS NO AND HIS PARENTS WATCH THEM!)

BACKGROUND:

I spent 8yrs with him, while he was working, going to school, and hanging out with friends and family. The boys were my responsibility 24/7. I was their primary caregiver. I made sure their hw was done, I did the disciplining, I did the bedtime and the story time. He never had to wake up in the middle of the night to feed a baby or to change a diaper. I let him sleep in on the weekends because he worked. Dinner was on the table when he walked in the door. I cleaned up after dinner and then put the children to bed. I bent over backwards trying to make him comfortable because he worked, if it snowed I shoveled the driveway before he got home, I would have his slippers by the door, I tried to keep the kids quiet while he was doing homework. through all of this he criticized everything I did and wanted to teach me better ways of doing it so I could make it easier on myself. UGH!

 

My argument, I am the one who is here doing it, do not think I know the "best way of doing it, the best way for me?"

 

Everything I say I believe is irrelevant to him, I am their Mother and my opinion I feel has no weight to him what so ever.

 

My oldest son, isn't his but my oldest believed he was his "real" dad up until 2 years ago.

 

When my oldest (12) was living with him:

at 2: he would have cleaned his butt with lysol all purpose cleaner for having a #2 accident if I did not intervene. ( My opinion, WTH would anyone do this, unless they wanted it to burn!)

 

4 years old: he spanked him so hard he left welts on his butt, whether he was being mean to the cat or he had an accident in his bed at night.)

 

We were constantly arguing INFRONT OF MY SON because I felt I had to stand up for him because IT IS WRONG!

 

He would purposely call my son's goodnights diapers to make him feel bad for having accidents, he would call him stupid, would micromanage everything he did, to the point where it was just miserable and demeaning.

 

We went too counseling, I set it up and they only way to get my ex to go was to say it is figure out what is wrong with our oldest.

I told the behavior specialist everything from what I was doing, to what he was doing and my ex was there, and he told me I was right.

 

Well guess what, the counselor didn't understand because he doesn't have kids:mad:

 

The last straw, My oldest(8 at this point) forgot to get his blankets out if the dryer and make his own bed, so night time came and my ex did not let him have any blankets. He got cold during the night and got in bed with his little brother and had an accident in his bed. When my ex went upstairs and found this he took my oldest rubbed his face in the pee spot of the mattress and through him on the floor. I didn't know what was going and then my son told me when he left for world. I WAS ANGRY, DISGUSTED, words just can not explain how completely outraged I was.

I called my parents, his parents, I called the school, i thought it was abuse and he was not going to get away with it. No one did anything, nothing, went to talk to the counselor at the school with my ex and nothing was said or done.

 

When we got divorced I could not get any records of the behavioral health sessions we had because it was all confidential.

 

He still complains that there is something wrong with my oldest, he lacks "compassion" UGH HE LACKS COMPASSION BECAUSE OF THEY WAY YOU TREAT HIM!" he has had tests done NOTHING is wrong with him!

 

It's obvious he treats "his" kids and my oldest different this also causes animosity but he doesn't believe it. I believe he his causing it! My two younger ones live with him, my oldest is with me. my 2 younger children want to live with me, and he won't let them, my oldest had to come live with me without me, how do you think that makes him feel?

 

I can tell him until I'm blue in the face and believe me I HAVE! my opinion holds no weight. I can go to court, but what bases do I have? He holds a college degree, owns a home, has good job, family support, and his freaking routine!

Me well I am going to school, not working, and no family. and I can't prove any of the above.

 

I am good mom, I know I am not perfect and I have things to work on, but I care for them and their well being.

 

When I came out of this relationship, i had a hard time making decisions for myself, I felt guilty all the time, I 2nd guessed if I was a good mom, a good person.

 

I am their mom and I don't feel like it because I get pushed out. I don't get to tuck my kids in for bed before school, I don't get to go to parent teacher conferences, and just have little say unless they are here and it deeply hurts.

 

And guess what it's all my fault in his opinion, but I CAN NOT be with him, I got to the point where I had not a single care left, it was too late.

 

I don't "argue" with him as much as I did now, I try to remain flexible and try to my best to co-parent but it's still impossible because there is always something!

 

ugh! rant over!

 

What are your thoughts?

[anika99]

You have told this story before. Your husband is a child abuser and you are not doing anything about it. Telling his parents and your parents is a joke and the same as doing NOTHING to hep YOUR children. If you were their primary caregiver when you were with your ex then how in the hell did he get custody of them when you split up. Why aren't you reporting him to child protective services? Why aren't you in family court asking for 50/50 parenting schedule?

 

I'm sorry but talking to your ex's mommy and posting on a forum isn't helping your kids. I don't mean to be harsh but it frustrates me that you are playing step mom to another mans child while you left your own children to be abused by their father. It sounds like you knew he was abusive all along and yet you just gave him your innocent children and now they are going to grow up all messed up because of being abused by their father while their mother abandoned them to go live with another man and play mommy to his kid. 7 year olds don't have bathroom accidents. There is something wrong, either emotionally or physically, when a school age child is still wetting themselves. For the love of God, please do something to help your children.

[CarrieT]

Why haven't you documented the abuse at your Ex's hand and fought for custody of your children?

[mrs rubble]

I feel your pain, I have been through similar.

The above posters are right, you need to document and report this to the police or child services. Not the school, or the family.

The police and child services are obliged to investigate. Is your eldest willing to and strong enough to give a statement about his version of the type of abuse he sustained? You need to do all you can to protect your younger kids from this monster. If they already want to come and live with you, then you need to follow up on this by going to court and asking for them to be with you.

I'd recomend getting yourself some counselling too, because this will not be easy and you will need all the strength, tools and tricks you can muster to get through this.

[Raena]

I won't bash you for not fighting more for your kids because honestly, I can see where it would be very difficult to do so. The things he is doing is emotional abuse and it's very, very difficult to prove that. You can report it to CPS and they probably won't do anything because there is no physical proof that he is emotionally damaging your children. But the more you call, the more there is a paper trail documenting that you have told someone. Tell the police too. They may not help, especially if you can't prove it. I know if my own experience, the police didn't even want to hear what I had to say, told me I had to go to family court. You will need to do that too.

 

The best I can tell you to do is to start documenting EVERYTHING. Every thing the kids tell you, everything he says to you. Get him to put it in writing and not verbally. Make it so that he has to communicate with you via texting or email.

 

The next time he does something that you think needs to be reported, DO IT. Don't call his parents or the school. They can't do much... but honestly, the school should have reported to CPS when you noted what he did with the blankets and the pee spot.

 

Ask for a lawyer for your children. There should already be one for them if you have gone to court.

 

You can't sit back and try to just get along with him if you really feel like he's being abusive. You have to fight it. Fight for more time with your children too. There should be no reason why you can't see them more than just on the weekends. Go to the court house and get the paperwork started to push for 50/50 custody. Get yourself a lawyer if you can afford one.

[noelle303]

I agree with the other posters. This does not concern differences in co-parenting, this is plain child abuse, emotional and physical. Abusers are extremely controlling so it all goes together with what he is doing to you.

 

Report him to CPS and get yourself a good family court attorney so you can file for custody.

 

Meanwhile, if you see WELTS on your child photograph them. Take him to the doctor. Document everything. You have a very strong case and it is your responsibility as a mother to ger them out of that damaging situation. Fight him, don't compromise.