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Taking my ex to court regarding custody of my daughter.


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Hey guys, it's been a while. I'll try and keep this short but you'll need some details.

 

Life was going alright. Ex and I had a relatively amicable situation and a mutually agreed parenting schedule in place for 1.5 years. Same routine, week in and week out. I'd get a couple nights a week with my daughter, and every other weekend I'd get an overnight visit.

 

I started going to therapy around late January early February. This all helped me to realize that I was tired of my ex making demands without concern of me and my schedule, showed no respect towards me as a Co parent, and just generally was continuing to make me feel like crop even though we've been broken up for 4 years now, using my daughter as her weapon of manipulation, and silence being the ammunition.

 

Once I was in therapy for a while, I started standing up for myself. I'd tell her that no, she does not get to dictate what activities my daughter and I do or don't do together. That's my time, and she needs to keep her nose out of it. Things like that, where she would attempt to assert control over my life and my time with my daughter.

 

Periodically she does really insane things like give my designated days to other people or relatives, or just flat cancels them altogether, with no explanation given other than "I'm not needed that night"

 

This all came to a head when it was my designated overnight visit, and my ex called me 3 hours after I picked up my daughter to tell me she was going to come get her. To which I said I was not okay with that, this is my time with her, and you don't get to just take it away from me.

 

She freaked out, basically accuses me of kidnapping and then keeping our child from her (hypocrite) and proceeds to tell me what because our daughter had misbehaved at school that day, she didn't deserve the reward of spending time with daddy.

 

After that night, I immediately hired a lawyer, and have already filed a petition for legal custody, set in stone visitation, to have my name on the birth certificate, and to have her last name changed to mine.

 

This of course caused her to freak out. She thinks I'm threatening her by taking this action, when all I've ever wanted was the respect of being seen as an equal, that she isn't the almighty God like parent.l, and that I actually get a say in my daughters life, whether she likes it or not.

 

She has denied every single visit to me except 1, and she has blocked me from contacting her on all methods. I can't call her, text her, Facebook her, nothing.

 

She is keeping my daughter from me and she genuinely believes that she has a right to do this. She thinks that because I stood up to her, I'm "unstable, irrational, abusive, and that I need mental help"

 

Fast forward to the ex parte hearing on Wednesday. My lawyer field for a hearing to attempt to establish a temporary visitation order so that my ex could not keep my daughter from seeing me for the period while we wait for the actual trial hearing and mediation.

 

This is where my brain explodes. My ex did not show up to the hearing, and the judge THREW IT OUT, without even calling us forward. This judge, who by the way is the same judge as the one for my actual hearing, did not feel that my ex keeping my daughter from me for almost 2 months was a big deal, and that it didn't even need to be heard.

 

I'm heartbroken, I have seen my daughter twice in the last month, all because my ex is a selfish C word who views me as a threat to her monopoly over raising our kid.

 

My faith in the system is gone, and I have pretty much lost the will to do anything. I haven't been eating or sleeping because I just can't do either.

 

What the hell is even left for me to do? I haven't done anything wrong, yet I'm being denied access to my own flesh and blood because I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.

 

I'm so lost. Any advice or experiences.... Please offer it.

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I'm not aware of legality but you need to get a better lawyer. Someone who presents your case better.

 

The lawyer isn't a bad lawyer. I've reviewed everything he's done so far, and this was a referral from a good friend of mine who's crazy ex took him to court 3 separate times, and using this lawyer, he won each time.

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You've done all you can do for now and you have (competent) professional representation. That's as good as it gets.

 

If I'm reading right it won't be all that long til the actual hearing, right? Just suck it up and play it cool. DON'T give your ex any ammo to bring to the hearing - angry emails, phone messages, etc.

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What options did your lawyer give you? Is there any basis for an appeal?

 

There is no appeal process for the ex parte.

 

There is mediation this month, and the scheduled hearing next month.

 

However, given the general attitude of the judge so far, I have zero faith in this process now. Just generally demoralized and feeling like no matter how bad I want to be a good father, my ex is going to keep that from happening while simultaneously blaming me for not being around, and the state is going to support her doing that to my daughter.

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Fast forward to the ex parte hearing on Wednesday. My lawyer field for a hearing to attempt to establish a temporary visitation order so that my ex could not keep my daughter from seeing me for the period while we wait for the actual trial hearing and mediation.

 

This is where my brain explodes. My ex did not show up to the hearing, and the judge THREW IT OUT, without even calling us forward. This judge, who by the way is the same judge as the one for my actual hearing, did not feel that my ex keeping my daughter from me for almost 2 months was a big deal, and that it didn't even need to be heard.

 

WHOA! That's appalling!

 

What did your lawyer say? Did he/she explain what happened and why? How is it ex parte if you were both supposed to appear? Was she served? Was there a proof of service in the file? When was the last time you were in court? Would the Court's file show something negative about you in the past?

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GorillaTheater
There is no appeal process for the ex parte.

 

There is mediation this month, and the scheduled hearing next month.

 

 

Oh, I've got you now.

 

 

I understand the discouragement you feel, but it's not over yet. Hang in there.

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You've done all you can do for now and you have (competent) professional representation. That's as good as it gets.

 

If I'm reading right it won't be all that long til the actual hearing, right? Just suck it up and play it cool. DON'T give your ex any ammo to bring to the hearing - angry emails, phone messages, etc.

 

Of course, I know how to play this game. I couldn't give her any of those things if I wanted to, because I have no lines of communication with her.

 

 

She is honestly the one who is tanking her own case... Or so I thought. So far I've been shown that she doesn't even have to show up to win with this judge.

 

I've been told by all counseling parties and even my therapist that this was pretty cut and dry, open and shut. However after getting my hearing thrown out so casually...

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WHOA! That's appalling!

 

What did your lawyer say? Did he/she explain what happened and why? How is it ex parte if you were both supposed to appear? Was she served? Was there a proof of service in the file? When was the last time you were in court? Would the Court's file show something negative about you in the past?

 

My lawyer was speechless. He didn't even know what to say, and said nothing like that has happened before with this judge. My lawyer has 25 years experience in my County.

 

The last time I was in court was for child support hearing, however DCSS and Family court services are two different entities, and therefore don't look to each other for reference, other than the records that I do pay child support.

 

This is my first attempt to gain some control over my ability to parent my kid.

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Don't be discouraged. Based on some degree of insider knowledge of the system, I can tell you two things -

 

- Judges almost always err on the side of the mother for custody matters, especially for temporary rulings. So this particular thing doesn't really sound surprising to me.

 

- Judges almost never eliminate a father's custody rights entirely. So unless you've got sth going on here we're not aware of that'll paint you as a tangible danger to your daughter, you'll get your custody back again, probably like it was before. I don't know about all the name change stuff etc. but what really matters is just that you see her, right? And the advantage this time will be you actually have a court order declaring your custody/visitation rights that she won't be at liberty to violate.

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My lawyer was speechless. He didn't even know what to say, and said nothing like that has happened before with this judge. My lawyer has 25 years experience in my County.

 

The last time I was in court was for child support hearing, however DCSS and Family court services are two different entities, and therefore don't look to each other for reference, other than the records that I do pay child support.

 

This is my first attempt to gain some control over my ability to parent my kid.

 

Gorilla nailed it. He’s more measured than I was. :laugh:

 

You have mediation and hearing scheduled soon. The orders would be adjusted soon anyway, at the mediation or hearing. Maybe because this is in family court, the judge thought that your attempting to enforce orders would cause more conflict than benefit since she wasn’t there to hear the orders. Where I am, it takes months to get mediation and hearings, usually more than 3, so temporary orders are virtually always entered.

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don't give up. i know you feel discouraged but please, don't give up. keep fighting and have faith. these things take time but it is importat to absolutely keep fighting for your rights & your child's rights.

 

is there any group you can ask for experiences or opinions...? something like Fathers4Justice in the UK, something like that? ask for whatever support you can get, be reasonable and always patient to your wife and things will be okay. good luck to you.

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Don't be discouraged. Based on some degree of insider knowledge of the system, I can tell you two things -

 

- Judges almost always err on the side of the mother for custody matters, especially for temporary rulings. So this particular thing doesn't really sound surprising to me.

 

- Judges almost never eliminate a father's custody rights entirely. So unless you've got sth going on here we're not aware of that'll paint you as a tangible danger to your daughter, you'll get your custody back again, probably like it was before. I don't know about all the name change stuff etc. but what really matters is just that you see her, right? And the advantage this time will be you actually have a court order declaring your custody/visitation rights that she won't be at liberty to violate.

 

Name change I had put into the petition to use as a negotiation tactic that I can take off the table if she decides to be reasonable.

 

You are right that all that matters is that I see her... But what is running through my daughters little mind when she thinks "why doesn't daddy pick me up from school anymore?" writing that is making me cry.

 

I don't want this petty BS to have a negative effect on our relationship. We are close... My daughter and I. And now that she can't see me... I don't want that to be affected.

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don't give up. i know you feel discouraged but please, don't give up. keep fighting and have faith. these things take time but it is importat to absolutely keep fighting for your rights & your child's rights.

 

is there any group you can ask for experiences or opinions...? something like Fathers4Justice in the UK, something like that? ask for whatever support you can get, be reasonable and always patient to your wife and things will be okay. good luck to you.

 

So far, from what I've seen, these groups just want to bash the system for its gender bias. That doesn't help me feel better, ha.

 

Patience I guess. I just miss her... And I don't want her to ever feel like I've abandoned her, like my parents did to me.

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So far, from what I've seen, these groups just want to bash the system for its gender bias. That doesn't help me feel better, ha.

 

Patience I guess. I just miss her... And I don't want her to ever feel like I've abandoned her, like my parents did to me.

 

you're fighting for her, she knows that. reassure her every single time you get to see her & when you do get your time with her granted by the court (and i really think you will) - get her to counseling and work on your relationship together.

 

just don't give up. i'm so glad you decided to legally fight for your rights, kudos to you. i'm so sorry for what you're going through, keep your head up.

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Name change I had put into the petition to use as a negotiation tactic that I can take off the table if she decides to be reasonable.

 

You are right that all that matters is that I see her... But what is running through my daughters little mind when she thinks "why doesn't daddy pick me up from school anymore?" writing that is making me cry.

 

I don't want this petty BS to have a negative effect on our relationship. We are close... My daughter and I. And now that she can't see me... I don't want that to be affected.

 

Ha, she won't forget you in the time it takes to get to the mediation and the hearing. ;) You really need to buck up here. Sorry to be Sgt. Hardass but be strong for your daughter even if you can't be for yourself.

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Edit. I was a bit thrown by the fact that your name isn't on the birth certificate - but I see you've had a child support hearing before this, so your legal status as father has evidently been established.

 

I can only think that without your ex being there, the court just didn't feel able to grant any sort of interim order...but it does seem strange. Unless the court is provided with a reason as to why you shouldn't have contact then why wouldn't it? Is your lawyer contacting the court to find out more about why the judge didn't hear you? I can't see why, in the absence of your ex and in the absence of any good reason for you not having contact with your daughter, he wouldn't just grant an interim contat order.

Edited by Taramere
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Tara, she refuses to have me placed on the birth certificate, even though she signed the declaration of paternity after the DNA test in the child support hearing.

 

 

She told me after I asked to put on the birth certificate in the conversation right before she blocked me that it's too late, that time has passed, "you're just a babysitter that pays me every month"

 

She genuinely believes that I have no parental rights because I'm a man and because she has physical custody.

 

 

By the way, we have had conversations In the past, both about putting me on the birth certificate and changing her last name to mine, both of which she brought up and wanted to do.

 

Now that I brought it actually intending to make it happen, she said "I have enough evidence to file a police report for abuse" and then blocked me.

 

I genuinely hope that she does file a false police report because it makes her look really bad.

 

There's so much garbage that has happened that would take so long to type out.

 

If you remember way back in the day when I pasted a thread where she was having my daughter call her boyfriend daddy, the same man who my daughter witnessed multiple times beating my ex.

 

Daughter still to this day will sometimes say "some ones hitting mommy"

 

I asked her if she was safe one night, and she blew up on me and said "Don't you ever criticize my parenting" and I swear to God, all I said was "are you safe?"

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Couple questions about that if I may -

 

Are you legally the father?

 

Is the abusive guy living with your ex and your daughter?

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Couple questions about that if I may -

 

Are you legally the father?

 

Is the abusive guy living with your ex and your daughter?

 

No, that D bag is gone. The same dude that she cheated on me with and then told me that he had raped her. That guys gone.

 

 

Her new boyfriend seems like a good guy, although he tends to avoid me like he is afraid of me or something. But he does seem like a good guy.

 

I am legally the father. Declaration of paternity and DNA test confirms it. I just need a court order to have me placed on the birth certificate.

 

I was not placed on the certificate when she was born because I was never told when or where Ex was when she was in labor. Found out about the birth of my daughter on Facebook.

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Tara, she refuses to have me placed on the birth certificate, even though she signed the declaration of paternity after the DNA test in the child support hearing.

 

Yeah, that was the main part I was confused about...but when I went back and looked, and saw that you've already been through court for child support that clarified the point about you being recognised in law as the father.

 

She told me after I asked to put on the birth certificate in the conversation right before she blocked me that it's too late, that time has passed, "you're just a babysitter that pays me every month"

 

I shake my head to read that, but I'm not going to say too much about it - because I know your priority here has to involve keeping a cool head. Mediation is a great move, because it will give you some degree of opportunity to explore some of the more personal stuff here. Court doesn't really do that.

 

People go in really wanting to tell the judge their story, then getting frustrated because they just get put down with "I'm not interested in stories about he said, she said etc...". Some judges are definitely better than others when it comes to remembering what an incredibly difficult thing it is for any parent to attend a hearing like that where a stranger is making decisions about their family life.

 

Everybody has their own negotiating strategies, but for me....in cases involving children I think it's better not to ask for more than you want "eg the name change". I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here, and I know it's unpleasant to hear people do that...but it's delivered with the very best of intentions.

 

For me, if I were acting for your ex, I wouldn't see you including a crave to change your child's surname to yours as something that would strengthen your negotiating position. I would see it as something I could pick on (slightly) in court as part of portraying somewhat controlling behaviour. eg "My client is concerned that this particular crave - for a change of surname - is more about (you) wanting to control as many aspects of (child's) life as possible than it is about focusing on what's actually best for (child's)." Common sense suggests that in most cases it's probably best that the child share the same name as the parent they're living with.

 

It's obvious from the way you write that you're a devoted and committed father who wants to do what's in his child's best interests....but I think you should tread carefully when it comes to using popular negotiating tactics in a matter like this. Your lawyer might advise you differently of course, but personally I would caution anybody against resorting to popular negotiation ploys such as "ask for more than you want" in matters relating to children. Asking for lots of things you don't really want isn't always a strong negotiating ploy in any event...because sometimes what can happen is that the other person will make concessions that relate to the things you don't really want. Then withhold what you do want on the basis that "I've already conceded X, Y and Z. You're being unreasonable now."

 

She genuinely believes that I have no parental rights because I'm a man and because she has physical custody.

 

If she didn't turn up to the previous hearing, that suggests she doesn't have legal representation. Often it takes people going to a lawyer about matters like this for them to start to get the message that no, your ex does have parental rights, and unless there's a very good reason for him not to get contact a court will almost certainly grant contact.

 

There's so much garbage that has happened that would take so long to type out.

 

There always is in these situations.

 

If you remember way back in the day when I pasted a thread where she was having my daughter call her boyfriend daddy, the same man who my daughter witnessed multiple times beating my ex.

 

That's a child protection issue. Have social workers been involved? Is there still domestic violence going on in this household?

Edited by Taramere
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No, that D bag is gone. The same dude that she cheated on me with and then told me that he had raped her. That guys gone.

 

 

Her new boyfriend seems like a good guy, although he tends to avoid me like he is afraid of me or something. But he does seem like a good guy.

 

I am legally the father. Declaration of paternity and DNA test confirms it. I just need a court order to have me placed on the birth certificate.

 

I was not placed on the certificate when she was born because I was never told when or where Ex was when she was in labor. Found out about the birth of my daughter on Facebook.

 

Ok, good the abuser's gone, and with the rights granted you by law as your daughter's father you should be fine on the custody. :)

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Keenly, another suggestion. The picture in your avatar is absolutely adorable, but I really don't think it's a good idea to have it on a public message board. Especially not given that you've posted details about the case. I think it would be an idea to take it down.

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