Grandparents getting on my nerves!

[wed4ever]

I have a little girl, about 18 m.o. I'm pretty laid back on just about everything. My wife and I give our parents (both sides) a lot of space and freedom to enjoy their grandbaby.

 

I, (we) just ask one thing. Not to give her sweets. They totally defy our requests all the time and it's starting to irritate me.

 

What's worse is my daughter is starting to learn how to whine. I know she's going to hit that stage nomatter what but its truly been expedited by the grandparents. I see a huge difference in her behavior after just one day with them. This time it's going to be a whole week!

 

So they spoil her and I have to be the one to come in behind them and clean up the mess? I'd rather spend the little time I get with her playing instead of having to put her in time out. My time is precious too, you know?

[GunslingerRoland]

That may sound like a small request, but every one gives kids sweets.

 

 

It's going to be a hard thing to push back against, unless there is a medical reason for it.

 

 

Look at it like this Grandparents are supposed to spoil a child, that is what they do. Your daughter will learn pretty fast, that she can get away with more with the Grandparents, but all kids do. As long as the stay firm, she'll learn the difference very quickly.

[Art_Critic]

then make the request again of them, back it up with a reason and stress that it is an important request.. they are just doing what GP's do but need to listen to you guys on this..

 

on a side note: putting an 18th month old in time out... yikes...I've never been a believer in time out but 18 months seems a bit young to be doing that.

[wed4ever]

Look at it like this Grandparents are supposed to spoil a child, that is what they do.

 

Funny, that's the same thing my mom told me. I disagree, but who am I to say. I'm just the dad.

 

I know it's a really petty and there are much worse things coming down the road. But still.

[wed4ever]

 

on a side note: putting an 18th month old in time out... yikes...I've never been a believer in time out but 18 months seems a bit young to be doing that.

 

I don't, I was saying that figuratively to make a point.... but she's not far off.

[Art_Critic]

I don't, I was saying that figuratively to make a point.... but she's not far off.

 

Thanks for clarifying that....

 

IMO.. when it comes to sugar that can be a big deal.. my Son was never a big candy eater but he got a cavity in his front baby tooth as they were softer than normal, also; sugar just winds a child up, until the child gets a bit older it is always better to reduce the amount of sugar and fructose corn syrup in their diet.

 

There is plenty of time for them to start eating candy.. my Son didn't eat his first piece of candy till he was almost 3...

[acrosstheuniverse]

OP, have you actually sat the Grandparents down and told them, without beating around the bush, that while the child is with them, you expect them to abide by your decision, as her parent, not to give her candy?

 

They may not realise that you're serious about this.

 

As her parent, what you say goes. I think if you sat down and told them in no uncertain terms that the candy issue is non negotiable, it would have to be some pretty epic flagrant disregard for your authority and the quality of your relationship to then go against this.

 

If it gets to the point where you are telling them straight 'no sweets' and they are giving her sweets, you're going to have no choice but to stop allowing them unsupervised contact. It may seem a little extreme, but if they're disregarding your authority on this, what else? I wouldn't leave my child in the care of somebody who was ignoring what I requested of them as the child's parent. Grandparents or no grandparents.

[wed4ever]

Thanks for clarifying that....

 

IMO.. when it comes to sugar that can be a big deal.. my Son was never a big candy eater but he got a cavity in his front baby tooth as they were softer than normal, also; sugar just winds a child up, until the child gets a bit older it is always better to reduce the amount of sugar and fructose corn syrup in their diet.

 

There is plenty of time for them to start eating candy.. my Son didn't eat his first piece of candy till he was almost 3...

 

For sure. Sugar to a child is like cocaine to an adult.

 

A two year old kid isn't ready for it IMO. They can't handle it. I can see that clearly in my young one.

[wed4ever]

OP, have you actually sat the Grandparents down and told them, without beating around the bush, that while the child is with them, you expect them to abide by your decision, as her parent, not to give her candy?.

 

Maybe not to that extreme. They abide till the next time they come over and it starts over again.

 

Honestly my wife is the weak link in the whole thing. She is really afraid of offending her mom and dad. We've talked about but it just goes full circle. She tries, so that is good enough for me, for now.

 

The point is, and I told her this when baby was first born, that it's important to give the grandparents some sort of boundary early on because you need to establish your authority over the child. Yes candy is petty, but what about 3, 5, or 10 years from now? Something more serious might come up but you already established your pecking order. That's what concerns me more so.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Maybe not to that extreme. They abide till the next time they come over and it starts over again.

 

Honestly my wife is the weak link in the whole thing. She is really afraid of offending her mom and dad. We've talked about but it just goes full circle. She tries, so that is good enough for me, for now.

 

The point is, and I told her this when baby was first born, that it's important to give the grandparents some sort of boundary early on because you need to establish your authority over the child. Yes candy is petty, but what about 3, 5, or 10 years from now? Something more serious might come up but you already established your pecking order. That's what concerns me more so.

 

 

I'd say you're absolutely right to be worried about that.

 

If it goes back to square one every time they come round, then every time they come round you say 'remember, the no candy rule we discussed last time still stands' when they are there. Sure it won't make you the most popular member of the family there and then but as you say, it's a matter of establishing that you are the parent, not them, and this is about your child's wellbeing.

 

Sucks that your wife is the weak link. These are the kinds of parenting issues that can drive a real wedge between couples that is hard to repair. Especially if one party is being a pushover, what are you supposed to do? Guess you'll have to be bad cop until your wife finds her backbone or the grandparents finally realise you're not screwing around with this.

[basil67]

I can't help but wonder if the issue with your wife is that she doesn't agree with your stance and doesn't feel it's worth making waves over. Nobody much is going to make waves with their parent if they feel the issue isn't such a big thing. So what does your wife think of this? Do you give her space to offer an honest opinion - or do you push your opinion on her?

 

I think you can keep your place in the pecking order by acknowledging that candy is a treat from grandma but we don't get treats every day.

 

You made references to worrying about what type of liberties you imagine the grandparents could give the kids in future. Are they old hippies who are likely to give the kids weed or something?

[wed4ever]

So what does your wife think of this?

 

I think you can keep your place in the pecking order by acknowledging that candy is a treat from grandma but we don't get treats every day.

 

Yeah, that seems like it would work great with a 4 year old. No problems there. Telling that to my 18 m.o. is different. Which is why if they would just wait until she's older this wouldn't be so irritating.

 

My wife agrees 100%. At least that is what she tells me.

[jellybean824]

It seems to be universal-grandparents love to spoil their grandbabies! That's not to say that you as a parent have no voice in this matter. Establishing boundaries may not be comfortable, but it is necessary as a parent. It sounds like your LO has contact with both sets of grandparents. You (as the father) may need to sit down with your parents and outline the expectations of keeping your LO. Your wife may need to do the same with her parents. It is completely acceptable to have expectations and boundaries. Make them reasonable; at the same time realize that grandparents will (almost) always try to overdo the sweets, etc. If this is a pattern that continues, you may have to back off on "grandparent time," at least temporarily. Your time with your LO is precious. Ultimately you have the responsibility to make sure your child is given a well-balanced upbringing.

[wed4ever]

That's not to say that you as a parent have no voice in this matter.

 

I did a lot of thinking as to why I'm irritated by this whole thing. Then it hit me. I feel like I'm not respected as a parent by just about everyone... and to a much lesser degree 'sometimes' by my wife.

 

My wife is a sahm. I have a very good paying job that supports us comfortably but I work 6-7 days a week. Luckily I don't work extremely long hours so I get to come home and spend an hour or two with family and put my little girl to bed, almost every night, which I'm exceedingly thankful for.

 

But look, I work hard and everyone else spends (my) (our) money doing whatever it is they do during the day. A lot of the time the house is a mess when I come home. I can tell you there are a lot of weekend trips that are taken going to see family and friends (without me because I'm working).

 

So yeah, let me vent, it pisses me off when I just ask one simple thing and people can't do it.

[turnera]

Why aren't you venting to your wife?