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Bf's baby momma texted me


Iceshowers

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I'm really torn right now. I feel like what I did was the right thing, but I feel really sad.

 

I've been dating a guy who is a single parent and I'm a single parent aswell. On my end, I have minimal "baby daddy drama" as I really keep it in check and do not talk to my baby's father if it isn't about the baby (he will try to send me other type of texts- like that he loves me and such, but I don't respond to it). I just separated from my baby's dad this mid year and my baby is 4yro (never married). The guy I'm dating has been separated from his baby's mother for 2 years (give or take), yet they talk as if they're best friends. He knows alot of personal stuff about her (like health issues after the breakup, her relationship problems with her new baby daddy, that she had a stillbirth recently, that she's selling her home, and etc.) It seems like a perfect relationship for their kid, right? Except when she has her moments, she will threaten to take his daughter away from him (they were never married and there's no court order, they're doing visitation on their own terms). And just recently, when she found out he was dating, she started a verbal fight infront of his daughter and him and cursing him out and saying I'm a skank/whore (I wasn't there). Threatened that he'll never see his daughter again and that she's going to block him on her phone (all within that fight). Even her daughter cried and threw a tantrum (she's 5) because she didn't want to go with her mother. He texted and called me crying that night.

 

I started to develop real feelings for him. He also goes out of his way to fix my car, help me with yard/house work, and treats me well. Until this weekend when I found out he pretty much is on call for his baby's mother. I was driving to my moms, and he was with me, and he says "You're going to hate me, but can we stop by baby momma's house, I have to leave her extra key in the box since the realtor needs a copy" (she texted him for that favor since she was out of town until later that same day and had an open house). For some reason, that made me rethink the whole relationship. I asked why he has a copy and if she has one of his house (btw, I live like 5 mins away from her, and he lives 10 mins from us). He says that her last baby daddy is an ex-military and suffers from ptsd and threatened to take their daughter away and hit her while he was moving his belongings from her house, and refused to give the key back. So she asked the guy I'm dating to change her locks and he happened to keep a key (why and how, I didn't ask).

 

Told him later on that day that I can't put my son and myself in their drama circle since he has no boundaries with his baby's mother. Told him that I actually thought I was someone special to him since he went out of his way for me, only to realize that he does it for his baby's mom aswell. We didn't discuss "we're done", but the convo pretty much ended that way without having to say it. He tells me that if his kids (he considers her oldest son his son aswell eventhough they're not related, because he raised him since he was 2) were in danger, he will do anything to fix whatever his baby momma needs. And I get that, to a point. But also at that moment, he defended her and didn't even try to compromise with me. Also sent me a screenshot of a text convo they had regarding her military baby daddy.

 

Am I being irrational and quick to judge or did I do the right thing? Right now, both my head and heart are butting heads. In my head, I did the right thing since I refuse to jump into unwanted drama. But my heart is hurt that I won't see this relationship go any further. I will most likely see him again Wednesday night to give him back the things he left at my house and pick up my things from his house (I haven't confirmed with him yet, but I will mention it Wednesday if nothing else has happened).

Edited by Iceshowers
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It is SO refreshing to see a single mom putting their child above some guy. I applaud you! So, yeah, you have absolutely done the right thing. Not only for your child, but for yourself as well. He may be a nice guy but he has no boundaries whatsoever and baby momma knows it and exploits it. If you had a long-term relationship with him, this situation would haunt you for years. The deeper you get in, the harder it is to leave.

 

I had a friend who had 3 horrible kids and an angry ex-wife. As his friend, I heard about them constantly. I also heard about the gf's he lost because of how things were. He was really interested in dating me but that was never going to happen. Very nice guy but his world was continual drama. I never regretted my decision.

 

Please don't second-guess yourself. Your instincts are telling you to bolt. Don't look back.

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It is SO refreshing to see a single mom putting their child above some guy. I applaud you! So, yeah, you have absolutely done the right thing. Not only for your child, but for yourself as well. He may be a nice guy but he has no boundaries whatsoever and baby momma knows it and exploits it. If you had a long-term relationship with him, this situation would haunt you for years. The deeper you get in, the harder it is to leave.

 

I had a friend who had 3 horrible kids and an angry ex-wife. As his friend, I heard about them constantly. I also heard about the gf's he lost because of how things were. He was really interested in dating me but that was never going to happen. Very nice guy but his world was continual drama. I never regretted my decision.

 

Please don't second-guess yourself. Your instincts are telling you to bolt. Don't look back.

 

After their last fight when he was left crying, he actually asked me to give him the name of my family law lawyer/friend (I work at a law firm) because he need to get his rights as an unmarried father. Before it came to this point though, just a few days before, I told him to get his rights 'cuz he was complaining to me about something his baby momma didn't do for their daughter. He denied it saying they're civil and he's not going to hate her. Told him it's not about hate, but I work with the law and I know how he has zero rights (in our state) and he's depending on being friends with baby momma in order to keep things civil/friendly. That was actually something else I brought up to him last night, that how he expects me to listen to him nagging and complaining about his baby momma, but yet he's defending her and doing things for her, and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

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Yes 1000% you did the right thing !! Don't doubt it for a moment and like above poster said Congrats for being a strong woman with her head on her shoulders and can see past 'her feelings'.

 

Leave it all behind! Life is hard already as it is and the next man entering your life should enhance it not complicate it. This one is immature and still hung up on his ex.

 

Good for you !! Start this new year on a clean slate! make space in your life for a new man!

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Yes, he needs to get those things worked out but, seriously, he has to be told that? He's a child if he thinks that situation will work out long-term. He and his ex are just using the kids as yoyo's. Ridiculous. Getting legal rights has nothing to do with fighting, but his perception of that tells you everything.

 

He has too much growing up to do. This guy will make you nuts, and you would eventually lose all respect for him.

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I'm curious how he has any less paternal rights as a married versus unmarried man, in any state. Explain please.

 

I don't do that level of Baby Momma Drama. General bitchiness, yes. Fighting over schedules, yes. But dragging me into the fray? Nooooooope.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I'm curious how he has any less paternal rights as a married versus unmarried man, in any state. Explain please.

 

I don't do that level of Baby Momma Drama. General bitchiness, yes. Fighting over schedules, yes. But dragging me into the fray? Nooooooope.

 

I'd really like to know this as well, since you work with the law,

In any state, I'd like to believe that custody isn't marriage bound at all.

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I'm curious how he has any less paternal rights as a married versus unmarried man, in any state. Explain please.

 

I don't do that level of Baby Momma Drama. General bitchiness, yes. Fighting over schedules, yes. But dragging me into the fray? Nooooooope.

 

It definitely varies from state to state. Back in around 2008, family law changed in Florida where they cut off custody off their books and switched it to time sharing/visitation. Where both parents HAVE to work together for the child. Obviously it doesn't work in every situation, but for the most part, they give dads a good chunk of time if he's fit to be a good parent (and if it works out well. Some parents are too far for it to be half/half). In marriages, the dad is presumed the biological father of the child (unless the child was of pre-marriage), so his PATERNAL RIGHTS are established through marriage. An unmarried father, has to establish his rights by court order (like getting paternal rights for the court to give him visitation of his kids). Funny thing is, the court doesn't care if it's the father or not when it comes to child support though.

 

So in short words: the mom pretty much has custody of the child until he takes her to court for child visitation. There's some things that she can't do of course, like take the child out of the country without his consent or proof that she has 100% custody (especially if he signed birth certificate).

 

But this is just a one scenario, it's different for everyone and every state.

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I'd really like to know this as well, since you work with the law,

In any state, I'd like to believe that custody isn't marriage bound at all.

 

Custody is not marriage bound, but the dad is presumed the BIOLOGICAL father (keyword, biological). So, the court is "sure" that it's his kid. They don't want to give the wrong father rights over a child. So an unmarried man, has to establish those rights, with DNA testing, to determine it's his child. That's pretty much the biggest difference. Other than that, it goes through the same stages (divorce is a bit different since they do divorce, custody & child support all at once. While an unmarried parent can just do visitation/custody and not child support or vice-versa). (Again, I'm stressing this is just Florida).

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The above is generally true, but if your bf is named on the birth certificate as the dad, then I believe his paternal rights are established that way.

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The above is generally true, but if your bf is named on the birth certificate as the dad, then I believe his paternal rights are established that way.

 

Not unless they swore at the hospital that he is the father (which I asked the guy I'm dating, and he doesn't even remember. I didn't do it with my baby's dad, so I don't know the extent of what happens there. I just know that that is an option). The birth certificate limits the mom on taking out passport to take child out of country, as I stated above.

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But anyways, to get away from the legal side... we texted regarding talking about us and not keep it on limbo. He said since I mentioned him getting his stuff the other night, he figured this was it, which I told him fine, but I'm someone that smooths things out so there's no misunderstanding.

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True, when you tell someone to get their things, there's little doubt where things are headed. Regardless, you shouldn't waiver from your decision. It is the right one. As hard as it will be, it will be much harder to stay with him.

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I think you're right.

 

I wasn't worried about the conversations and friendships ONLY until the point they fight like that. That is too much emotional investment still. It's fighting or closeness, not both. (No fighting preferable, always.)

 

He can't help if she is crazy but he can refuse to involve himself at all when it doesn't involve the children if she is.

 

My boyfriend's ex wife asks for him back all the time. He said no before, but now just ignores it and doesn't respond at all because the no didn't stop it. She asks for help with all kinds of things and he generally ignores that. I pretend I don't know she's asking for him back to avoid that drama and occasionally respond myself to help her with what she needs if it's something that ultimately will benefit his child. He doesn't allow a friendship because she can't respect boundaries, so he has to enforce them further away. If your guy can't enforce boundaries when she can't respect them, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

 

I'd be clear on why, as well.

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  • 2 months later...
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Boyfriend and I of 5 months have decided to have him and his daughter sleepover my house (and I have a son). The kids are 5 and 4. The kids have met before, they love each other alot (call each other best friends) and they go to the same school. We have agreed not to sleep over when we have our kid's days, but this past weekend, we had a comedy event planned Saturday night (without the kids) and we didn't get home until past midnight (while family watched both the kids), then Sunday I had planned an Easter party for a bunch of kids, and it wouldn't have made sense for him to leave my house with his sleeping daughter at 1am to come back at 11am to my house. It was the first time she has slept over my house.

 

We all get along, his daughter and I, and my son and him.

 

When his daughter went back to her mother's house on Monday evening (him and I dropped her off on our way to the gym), his daughter told her mom that she spent the night at my house. Her mom knows about me already, but never liked me (she hasn't even met me). She calls me dumbo, hoe, hooker when she texts my bf regarding me. So today, I receive a text from her and she said she's making it clear to me that her daughter is not to be sleeping over my house ever again. I explained to her very clearly that I'm not the one she had a child with and she's barking up the wrong tree since I don't make those kind of choices (not that we had planned to have her sleep over EVER, or my son sleep over his house). Explained to her why she even had slept over and that it was a one time deal. She didn't care nor want to reason, she just kept repeating that I better have it clear that she's not to sleep over until I'm married to my bf and that if I don't understand this, she won't let her daughter's dad (my bf) have overnight privilege with her (nothing is court ordered, they have agreed to 50/50 when they separated like 3 yrs ago). This lady has 3 kids by 3 different baby daddies, never married, and says her daughter can't sleep over until I marry her father... told her it's very double standard that she had many guys around her 3 kids (which bf doesn't even get a say in it when she brings guys she just met around his daughter) and that I'm to wait until marriage for his daughter to stay the night.

 

I understand it's her daughter and she has the right to concern herself on who her daughter sees, but bf and I been seriously dating/committed for months now and her daughter loves me. When she sees me (even around her mother) she runs to me and hugs me. She talks about me to her mother (which she probably dislikes since I'm still the "hoe").

 

I felt she was attacking me. I know it isn't my fight, and it isn't my daughter, but she came to me threatening that what needs to go on in MY house and how she expects her daughter's DAD should be taking care of HIS daughter. I responded back to her claims each time, but stopped at one point because she was being extremely immature. She didn't even bother asking what happened in the weekend or getting to know me or even acknowledged that her daughter was happy after spending a fun filled weekend with us.

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Had you posted here before you responded, I would have advised you to respond differently. What I said to an EX's ex-wife when she confronted me about her child sleeping at my house was:

 

I understand you may have concerns about your son's safety. Rest assured he will be under his father's supervision when he is here. Beyond your child's safety, you have no reason to contact me. Please direct all future inquires or concerns to your EX.

You cannot directly engage her. You can't win so don't bother.

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She certainly does have a right to say "no sleepovers." The goal is to try to minimize the number of strangers a child is exposed to in order to minimize the risk to the child. And her point about not doing it unless and until you're married, I think is just fine. She doesn't want her child to grow up like she did, having different baby daddies. She wants to teach her kid that you get married first. And she also, by doing that, minimizes the chances that her ex, your bf, who she probably knows way better than you do, will just introduce and expose their child to a whole line of people, which is very confusing to a child.

 

You need to respect the wishes of this child's mother, yes, even more than that of the father, because she's the mother. And yes, I agree with Donnivain that she should be talking to him or to the court, but they probably have a bad relationship now and he probably likes to defy her and get around her rules and she probably full-well knows that and thought she might have better luck appealing to you woman to woman. I don't think she did anything wrong.

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How'd she get your number if she doesn't even know you?

 

Their kids go to the same school. It's pretty easy to get the number of another parent - especially if they have class contact lists.

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amaysngrace
Their kids go to the same school. It's pretty easy to get the number of another parent - especially if they have class contact lists.

 

Oh. Well then that sucks.

 

Did you break them up? Is that why she calls you a hoe?

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Your post from late December gives so much context to this current problem.

 

Sweetie, you were put in this position because your boyfriend doesn't have appropriate boundaries with her. I mean, she calls you hideous names and he's still friends with her!! They have chatty conversations and he knows the ins and outs of her life. Now, if she was a kind person and was sweet to you, perhaps this friendship could work. But she's an utter cow to you and your boyfriend tolerates her behaviour.

 

Anyway, for starters block her number and make sure any emails etc from her are sent straight to Junk mail. But unless your boyfriend steps up, this will be your future. Don't you want better for yourself?

 

Oh, and I would strongly advise not keeping your and his kids too close. Unless this gets sorted out, the relationship will not be strong and you will potentially have two very hurt children on your hands.

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Oh. Well then that sucks.

 

Did you break them up? Is that why she calls you a hoe?

 

No I did not. They have been separated/broken up about 2-3 years if not more (she has an almost 2 year old by the last baby daddy, plus add 9 months of pregnancy, so that should be the time frame). She calls me a hoe because she can't look herself in the mirror and see the truth lol. I don't know to be honest. I have one child with one man, who I was with for 5.5 years.. so a hoe is definitely not what I am. (Plus I have very low number of sexual partners, 6, for a 28 year old, I would think). She is just mad that is all.

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Your post from late December gives so much context to this current problem.

 

Sweetie, you were put in this position because your boyfriend doesn't have appropriate boundaries with her. I mean, she calls you hideous names and he's still friends with her!! They have chatty conversations and he knows the ins and outs of her life. Now, if she was a kind person and was sweet to you, perhaps this friendship could work. But she's an utter cow to you and your boyfriend tolerates her behaviour.

 

Anyway, for starters block her number and make sure any emails etc from her are sent straight to Junk mail. But unless your boyfriend steps up, this will be your future. Don't you want better for yourself?

 

Oh, and I would strongly advise not keeping your and his kids too close. Unless this gets sorted out, the relationship will not be strong and you will potentially have two very hurt children on your hands.

 

Well, he has actually stopped since I've brought it up to him. I let him come to his own conclusions on his own, there's no point of me forcing someone to realize what they're doing wrong, and he did after she kept calling me names and being unfair to him and threatening him regarding not seeing his daughter because I was in the picture (he hasn't had a relationship since they broke up, just random hook ups or casual dating). And I know it's stopped because he sends me text screen shots (on his own, I don't ask), shows me texts/emails from her, and I have seen his phone on my own. I definitely was going to leave him if it kept up, but he did his part and put her in her place by defending me and making it known she's out of line.. she just won't let go at the fact she's miserable and lonely. I mean this chick was talking to a new guy while she was just going through the break up with her last baby daddy (I learned this recently lol).

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Well, he has actually stopped since I've brought it up to him. I let him come to his own conclusions on his own, there's no point of me forcing someone to realize what they're doing wrong, and he did after she kept calling me names and being unfair to him and threatening him regarding not seeing his daughter because I was in the picture (he hasn't had a relationship since they broke up, just random hook ups or casual dating). And I know it's stopped because he sends me text screen shots (on his own, I don't ask), shows me texts/emails from her, and I have seen his phone on my own. I definitely was going to leave him if it kept up, but he did his part and put her in her place by defending me and making it known she's out of line.. she just won't let go at the fact she's miserable and lonely. I mean this chick was talking to a new guy while she was just going through the break up with her last baby daddy (I learned this recently lol).

 

I'm really pleased to know that he's pulled back on all the contact with her. And it was wise of you to let him come to that conclusion on his own.

 

Now, let's see what he will do about her contacting you directly.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You can't fight crazy. I wouldn't have even responded, not your battle. Forward the text and any others to come to your BF, let him deal with it...

 

Mr. Lucky

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