Jump to content

what are your reasons to NOT have children?


minimariah

Recommended Posts

i think the decision to NOT have children is one of the major ones during one's life -- that means, pretty much DAILY taking care and making sure you don't end up pregnant; using various forms of contraception. so basically... the conscious effort is great - i always wondered about folks who decided not to have kids but are able to (they aren't infertile or ill or things like that).

 

so what are your reasons?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just never really wanted them. Plus, even tho I'm progressive-minded I'm not convinced that bringing children into my kind of situation would ultimately be very responsible and/or very good for them ....life would distinctly be more challenging.

 

I've never had to work really hard at BC btw. W/BFs it's always just been condoms, but I've never had any kind of scare which sometimes makes me wonder. And in recent times there's really no risk w/my GFs and 'alternative' hetero sex, so ....

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think if you only want one or two, you have to be careful with sex 99% of the time. Otherwise you could end up with 10.

 

I always knew I didn't want any. I didn't want to spend my life looking for a partner I could tie down, prefer to select men based on other attributes (though lost some who wanted family), never wanted the financial sacrifice. Most of all though, I think children are incredibly boring to look after. All the socialising you have to do with parents you would never want to talk to out of choice. Bleh, no thanks.

 

I'm free to have the social life and ties I want. Spending the best years of my life to come second, third, fourth to everyone else. Just never appealed. You wouldn't believe the number of women that confide in me that they never really wanted any, some say they didn't like theirs until they were older. A lot of men are bored out of their minds with having a family. The number of people who say their best years were in their 20s before they had children...

 

No wonder more and more women are child free.

 

Not for me.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I was living my dream during my childbearing years and wasn't about to set it aside. I was having too much fun. And I never wanted kids anyway. Even as a child I didn't like babies or toddlers, though kids my own age, yes, of course. Didn't like dolls except Barbie. It was just never on my long list of things I wanted to do. If I'd been financially well off, I might have considered adopting a teen when I was in my 40s, but only because so many need help and no one seems to want them.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I also didn't marry until I was over 40. I never wanted to have kids without being married to the dad.

 

I always thought I was too selfish to have them. I didn't want to give up caffeine & soft cheeses to be pregnant. I didn't want to give up sleep to tend to a crying infant all night. I didn't want to give up my free time to attend little league, scouts etc. & have my social schedule revolve around kid based activities.

 

By the time I was married, it was too late. I suppose I could have done IVF but again I was too selfish to pay those costs, go to the daily treatments & gain 50-100 lbs from the painful shots.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I love my family as it is and I don't feel unfulfilled by the absence of children. I like some kids, especially my one friend's daughter, but I've never had a mothering interest towards them. Any future life I envisioned for myself never had parenthood involved in it. I like my "me" time quite a bit, and at this point in my life I can enjoy both a comfortable routine and do spur of the moment things alone or with my SO.

 

I think my SO's parents were secretly hoping that we would change our minds about kids, but they came to terms with it years ago and have never made it an issue. My own mother really wanted to go into the military, but her parents forbade it and I know it's one of her bigger regrets. I think she'd have been far happier living an independent lifestyle when she was a younger woman, rather than getting married to a significantly older man because she was pregnant. Not really surprising that both my sister and I are happily unmarried and have no kids.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare

I'm 35/F and currently single so it seems pretty likely I won't have kids, unless a major unexpected life change knocks me over the head.

 

For me it was never like a dead-set decision, but more that I never felt compelled to actively pursue that path, never felt that "clock ticking" or stirrings to become a mother, and over time I've gradually seen the window of opportunity shrink.

 

Very honestly, I have enough trouble managing my own life (finances, etc) that it would be irresponsible to add children to the mix. Also, I can acknowledge that if I did have kids right now, it would be motivated largely by 1) a desire to please my parents - I do wish they could enjoy grandkids, and 2) a desire to feel "normal" and fit in with mainstream society. Neither are justification for bringing a brand-new human life into this world.

 

I won't pretend I feel completely cool and confident about this issue. I've had my nights of working myself into a cold sweat over this. Having children vs. not having children really is a huge decision with impacts that reverberate throughout your adult life. I have worries about what it's going to be like to not have a family as I get older - what will my support system be, who will I spend holidays with, etc?

 

More fundamentally, I wonder about missing out on one of the most fundamental experiences of life. Biologically, this is our purpose, to reproduce, even if we've advanced scientifically and intellectually beyond that.

 

I think any woman who claims to be totally unconflicted about these things either is lying to herself or her audience, or has never explored herself deeply. Not saying there aren't women who are totally confident in their childlessness, but I just think it's a complicated issue for everybody.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think any woman who claims to be totally unconflicted about these things either is lying to herself or her audience, or has never explored herself deeply. Not saying there aren't women who are totally confident in their childlessness, but I just think it's a complicated issue for everybody.

 

I can say that you are completely wrong. I've always known I never wanted kids and I spent my younger years asking people to stop trying to convince me as if I didn't know my own wants. The same way that some women are adamant that they want them, some of us are adamant that we don't. I consider myself lucky because this is one issue I've never had to question my decision on.

 

People think differently and find different issues conflicting

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Madame_Noire
i always wondered about folks who decided not to have kids but are able to (they aren't infertile or ill or things like that)

 

A perfect definition of the childfree there. It grinds my gears when parents call themselves that, usually on social media because they have managed to get a sitter and some how get a date night with their partner! Then it us people who have chosen not to have children that are looked down on.

 

I have a couple of friends who have children. They always seem to moan to me about how badly behaved or how much of a nightmare the kids are but then in the next breath say they would not change it for the world. One friend said she loves her kids but hates being a mother. I understood that. That is on par with saying you love your salary and the lifestyle it gives you but you hate your job. This friend moans to me about her man not helping with the kids (three children, two under the age of 2) all unplanned. All he does is play computer games all day and she has to be hands-on with the kids. It was her birthday and their anniversary respectively and he didn't so much as well wish her on those days. She confessed to me that she would have left, had she not have had the youngest two. Now she feels stuck with him because she lives in his house. She wants to lose the baby weight, but he will not motivate her and he is the one who does all the cooking, he will go into a mood if she tries to better herself and wonder who she is trying to impress!

 

I have another friend who wants to have a baby to her FWB who lives in another city and only sees her once every 6 months. He calls and see her when he wants to and often goes days and weeks without contacting her. She wants another baby because she will be losing child benefits for her eldest soon and she does not want to lose her council/government provided free house. She will have three kids, by three different fathers if she traps this one. She said she wants to stop taking her pill because she is in her late 30s and wants another kid by this guy because she is madly in love with him. I have asked her if he is going to commit, she does not answer. I have asked if he has told his friends and family about her, again no answer. They have been FWB for 5 years now. She has a teenage daughter who is a major rebel, says that she will kill herself if she is sent to school and does not come home when she is supposed to and says she hates her mother and now living with another family member. She also has an autistic 6 year old son. She believes that we are not on this planet to serve ourselves, her job in life is to be a mother. She thinks that by having as many kids as possible she will not be lonely and your kids will later grow up to look after you and be your friend! She wants another baby because her eldest is playing up and being disrespectful and now my friend wants to do what she wants to do for once... BRING ANOTHER INNOCENT CHILD INTO THIS MESS!!

 

Both of these friends are on anti-depressants. Both have said they thought they were doing the right thing having kids because they thought that would be their purpose and give them real reason for living. Maybe they wanted to fill a void in their lives. These friends will vent about their lives and kids and then ask to tell me to have kids too. What, so I can be as miserable as them? No thank you.

 

I have a colleagues that have children and they make comments on me saying that I am selfish for not having kids! They ask me who will look after me when I am old, I tell them the same nurse as them when their kids dump them in a home. That shuts them up. I have one colleague who does not have kids, middle aged and single. She cannot understand why I am in a relationship and not popped out any kids yet. However, her neice keeps dumping her kids on my colleague for several days. I told my collegue 'and they say it is the people who choose not to have kids that are called selfish!'

 

Who exactly are the childfree being selfish too by not bringing in unwanted children into the world? I think it is more SELFLESS to adopt or foster a child. Being a parent is a thankless job, you give up your freedom, sleep, money and your relationship is put on the back burner to bring up kids for the next 18-30 years for your kids to grow up and resent you (see above with one of my friends)

 

There are millions (not literally LOL) reasons why we do not want children:

 

* The world is a horrible and evil place. Sometimes you are lucky if you get home in one piece nowadays.

 

* I had a horrible upbringing with the woman who gave birth to me, she clearly bred children to get a free house and benefits and now that we have left home and in work (she has never worked, lived on credit cards and raised us on credit) she thinks that it is time we paid her back! I have cut her off and refuse to answer the phone to her. She was not very loving or maternal and when I was a teen, I often wanted to run away or come of age so I could leave and be away from her. I am not going to be one of those people who has a kid to overcompensate and make up for the sh*tty upbringing I had.

 

*I like my sleep and relaxation time

 

*I cannot stand noise, especially not the sound of a toddler having a tantrum or a newborn crying.

 

*If you have kids in the UK, you get benefits, child benefits etc. I have seen so many cases where people are contacted by the a governement body asking for any overpayments back.

 

*I am very much a free spirit, I do not want or like to be tied down, especially by a child and we live in a nanny state where the media and government tries to dictate how to live your life and raise your child at th best of times. Also, I not want to be one of those women who has a kid then splits with the father and then goes on to say how much of a waste of space and useless MF he is.... well, I chose him!

 

* My partner and I are in our early 30s now, surely if we wanted kids by now, we would have had them by now. We no not want marriage we are happy as we are and we are heading towards being together 7 years now.

 

*I can afford to work part time. All the money I earn is my own and I am not in debt. I do not want anything from the government. I am anti-establishment.

 

*I do not have to be in competition by default with other parents especially on social media and/or in real life. 'Look at what my child did/can do... PROUD MOMMY!'

 

*I will never have to stay with my partner for the sake of the kids.

 

*I will never have to deal with Child Support.

 

*I can enjoy my relationship without having to rely on a babysitter or having to worry about the kid walking in on us or stopping the flow of things!!

 

Google 'I hate being a parent/mom/dad' It is quite sad some of the posts I have found on there. Commonly they say that they were told that the should have children because it carries on the lineage and it is what people do. When they have the kids, they say it was nothing like they expected. It is not like you can give them back.

 

Also, being a parent is not a job. It is a lifestyle and biological choice. Although, you do get paid because here in the UK there is always someone in the news that has a brood of children and has never worked a day in their life, they just get state handouts. Whereas the taxpayer will comment on the article saying they either cannot afford to have children or any more because they pay income tax that pays these people to 'breed' professionally.

 

I often hang out with my friends and they have their kids in tow, I am not cold to the kids, but my friends often shout or tell their kids off in front of me and I feel awkward.

 

Here in the UK, it is now a bone of contention when someone has several kids or a kid in general. That and the Royal Family! LOL

 

Sorry for rambling. This is a very personal subject for me.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think any woman who claims to be totally unconflicted about these things either is lying to herself or her audience, or has never explored herself deeply.

Disagree.

 

I wanted to have my tubes tied in my early 20s and no doctor would do it.

 

I NEVER wanted children for a variety of reasons; I was raised by an alcoholic who was also the child of an alcoholic. I had a horrific adolescence involving multiple molestations and rapes and I never wanted the chance of inflicting upon a child that which was inflicted upon me.

 

I have also really, really hated the physicality of pregnancies. Meaning: Seeing pregnant women, small infants, and the physical act of labor makes me nauseous.

 

The only difference that occurred for me was that I met and married someone in my very late 40s that made me a stepmom of some teenagers. I feel I skipped the horrific part of not having children and got the relative run part - also with the knowledge that they'll be off to college shortly.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

If my father wasn't so evil I might have wanted children. But he was. It made me cautious of the world. I never felt safe growing up and knew that safety would be a priority when settling down. Having a child wouldn't be a smart thing to do in case my marriage didn't work out. I didn't want to be a struggling single parent who works all the time then comes home and has to deal with kids.

 

I guess it was a long term decision I made when I was six and my parents divorced. If I came from a wealthy family and I'd always have money no matter what then I might have had kids. IDK.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

Quite simply, for as long as I can remember, I have never wanted children. Being a mother has absolutely no appeal to me.

 

Since I was a kid myself, I have declared that I would't be having any. Over the holidays (among my many nieces and nephews) my father mentioned "when you were 10 years old, you said you wouldn't be having kids, but would have a horse. You were right!"

 

I do not enjoy babies or children

I do not see any appeal in being a mother

I live a very independent life, and wouldn't want to be burdened with a child.

I am career oriented and driven, these days I tend to leave the house at 6:30 am, and return at 9:30 pm - absolutely no time in my life for "raising a family"

 

I have never felt any sense of "loss" for not having children. I feel pretty fulfilled in my life.

 

I have examined my choice a few times, because, really, something you set your mind to as a kid might change - but even when I TRY to question it, I always come back to nope, don't want kids, no way.

 

And I don't think I am particularly "special" or breeding material ;) Always thought if my mind did change, fostering or adopting are great options. Help a life rather than bring a new one forth.

 

When dating a new guy, I always made it clear EARLY on, that kids are not for me. Luckily I met a guy who feels the same way, and is happy with our childless home.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

Oh, and as for the birth control part of it - AVOIDING getting pregnant is pretty easy to do (even if you are very sexually active) and WAY less work than a kid would ever be!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare
I can say that you are completely wrong. I've always known I never wanted kids and I spent my younger years asking people to stop trying to convince me as if I didn't know my own wants. The same way that some women are adamant that they want them, some of us are adamant that we don't. I consider myself lucky because this is one issue I've never had to question my decision on.

 

People think differently and find different issues conflicting

 

Fine, then... I can respect that. I only wish my feelings were as clear-cut as yours. (**Being genuine, not sarcastic or snotty.)

 

I could be wrong, but I would guess that the minority of childless women have the confidence about this that you do. To me the issue is such a minefield (and as you note, there's a ton of external pressures involved) that it's impossible to imagine having no doubts or confusions about it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

^^^ I have more female friends that do not have children, then ones that choose to have kids.

 

I disagree that they are conflicted. Like myself, they have been pretty steadfast in this.

 

Now, out of the handful that did choose to have children, a few of them always knew they wanted some, and a couple, weren't sure that they really did want any, but choose to - I am not sure how much pressure from husbands and family played role, but I know it made a difference.

 

Very few women are pressured to NOT have kids. Many are pressured to have them.

 

I have heard the drunken confessions, the doubts and second thoughts - once you have kids you are stuck with them forever!

 

I have not heard the same level of conflicted emotions from the women I know who choose to be child free. Its not a choice many get pressured into, so for me, its logical that they feel convicted in that choice.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Fine, then... I can respect that. I only wish my feelings were as clear-cut as yours. (**Being genuine, not sarcastic or snotty.)

 

I could be wrong, but I would guess that the minority of childless women have the confidence about this that you do. To me the issue is such a minefield (and as you note, there's a ton of external pressures involved) that it's impossible to imagine having no doubts or confusions about it.

 

There have been a handful of major decisions in my life that have been based on absolute certainty. When I just knew. This is one of them.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have also really, really hated the physicality of pregnancies. Meaning: Seeing pregnant women, small infants, and the physical act of labor makes me nauseous.

.

 

Interesting, I thought I was the only one that found pregnancy repulsive. There was a former colleague who used to come to work heavily pregnant wearing very tight fitting clothes (I'm sure they were still comfortable) I used to find looking at her a bit repulsive. What child birth does to the body is a bit :sick:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I went through a lot of child abuse growing up. Maybe that's why I NEVER even considered having my own biological child. Never understood why people wanted to have children. Never felt the urge to reproduce.

 

But DID and still do wish I could adopt--an orphan. In my mind it was always a little girl that I'd want to adopt and save. In my mind I always wondered why people want to create more lives when there are so many who are already abused and neglected. I alway wished my parents adopted an orphaned girl instead of bringing me to life. Lately I'm starting to feel that maybe it was my way want to save myself.

 

During my affair with xMM, I told him once that I always wondered what it FEELS like to be a mother. I told him I feel so awful that I have no idea about what it feels like to have a child. He said "of course you already know; it feels just like being in love--except you become the caregiver…".

 

There was a time, when I was late in my period and thought I was pregnant and panicked thinking I got pregnant by him. After I got my period and the fear dissipated, he wrote to me "a small part of me almost wished you got pregnant so we could build something together that would last forever"--word for word.

 

Those words had an immense effect on me.

For the FIRST time in my life, I thought I caught a glimpse of what wanting a child feels like.

I actually felt that desire--to create a child in the image of that one person I'm in love with.

 

I now don't complain about why people want to have kids--I understand why.

 

It must be something really wonderful for a woman to look at a child and see the reflection of the man she loves.

I imagine it's incredible.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I also didn't marry until I was over 40. I never wanted to have kids without being married to the dad.

 

I always thought I was too selfish to have them. I didn't want to give up caffeine & soft cheeses to be pregnant. I didn't want to give up sleep to tend to a crying infant all night. I didn't want to give up my free time to attend little league, scouts etc. & have my social schedule revolve around kid based activities.

 

By the time I was married, it was too late. I suppose I could have done IVF but again I was too selfish to pay those costs, go to the daily treatments & gain 50-100 lbs from the painful shots.

 

Give up soft cheeses? That's unnatural.

 

Well, when I was young enough to have them, fair to say I had no idea how much trouble they were, but if I had known, the whole sleep thing would have shut it down because I have always had too many sleep disturbances as is and just struggle to get enough sleep to function on a normal basis.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

There are a lot of people who definitely wants kids; there's a lot of people who definitely want kids but have no idea how much of a change it is; there are lots of people who never wanted them; and there are a lot of people who don't know if they want them or not or wish they could have another 20 years to sort it out. I say better to regret not having the than to regret having them, if that is a possibility in your mind. And when I say "better," I mean for the kids themselves.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77

I love kids (my gorgeous little niece especially) but I don't think I'd have the patience, time or inclination to have one of my own. I haven't been as categorical as others but I guess when comes down to it, something else always seems to get in the way, be it career, finances, emotional state of mind or the right partner.

 

Now I'm nearing 40 and everything pretty much lines up (settled in my career, great partner, stable financially), I just realise that actually, the something else always getting in the way was me! I love being 'fun' auntie, though...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot
...

Here in the UK, it is now a bone of contention when someone has several kids or a kid in general. That and the Royal Family! LOL

 

Sorry for rambling. This is a very personal subject for me.

Then combining two of your favorite subjects...

 

"An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed." -- Victoria (05/24/1819 – 01/22/1901) Queen of England

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
blackcat777

I have never wanted kids, never even thought about them, really (my 20s are almost over :sick: ). I am horrified by pregnancy and helpless infants. I want to run away when people try to hand me a baby.

 

I'm sure this has LOTS to do with the horrors my mother put me through as a child, telling me I should have been aborted (I remember this as early as 3rd grade), and eventually stopping in the middle of the road during a drive one day, throwing my school books all over the road, kicking me out of the car and then driving away. :lmao: It was the best thing she ever did for me, though.

 

I always thought that when kids were old enough to start reading and asking questions, it would be a blast to teach them things. I just am so horrified and squicked out by the baby stage because I have no idea what to do. I know a lot about what not to do... but feel pretty helpless at the thought of a helpless screaming thing. I'd be terrified to hurt it...

 

The only thing that has ever made me contemplate giving birth has been a handful of profound experiences with psychedelics. Is it a crime to throw away millions of years of evolution? I've felt my consciousness merge with my boyfriend's and felt what it might be like to create a new, curious being made out of love. I've felt during the throes of insane sex of wanting to bond with someone eternally.

 

(I suppose I'm one of The Conflicted. :D )

 

I grew up in destitution. If I had a kid, I'd have to have ONE so I can afford it, in terms of time and money. I'd need hired help around the house.

 

I would never raise a child in America. I don't wish to discuss politics, and I will leave it at I own a pair of George Orwell pajamas. ;)

 

I'd want to homeschool... and would I go nuts, eventually, doing that?

 

tl;dr My boyfriend is the only person who ever made me remotely consider the idea. I told him the decision is in his hands, if he wants to do it, he should just take me down and do it one day. :eek:

 

We've also discussed alternative forms of legacy... philanthropic, scientific, artistic pursuits... Maybe I'll do something with troubled teens one day... I really, really, really would love to purchase/preserve/protect as many square acres of rainforest as I can, and that's something everyone's children would benefit from.

 

I still have to jump a few income brackets to pull that one off... but I'd have to jump a few income brackets to have a kid of my own, anyway.

 

I think there's nothing more terrible than bringing an unwanted child into the world... speaking as an unwanted child. I dealt with so much depression and self-harm through my teens and early twenties, and somehow managed to come out of it all and find ways to respect myself and live happily. So many more people go down a road of numbing themselves or repeating their parents' mistakes.

 

These threads are really therapeutic for me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I cannot speak on this from a personal side. ( I have two sons).

 

Can tell you that when my former friend chose the path of remaining childless, she said: I love rescuing animals, singing, and being a good wife. Where would my figure go if I had a rugrat? I told her... she was definitely making a solid decision. She had alot to offer the world.

 

So to those who chose that path and gave more of your time to this world, I thank you.

I chose to think most of these decisions turn out just right in the end, because we adjusted our sails and crossed those channels in life.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
Standard-Fare

It's interesting that a number of people here are citing bad childhood experiences, esp. negative experiences with their parents, as their reason for not wanting kids themselves.

 

While the stories are sad, they do add to the argument of - Don't have kids unless you're certain you want them and certain you can provide them a loving, safe environment.

 

I do think so many people just go through the motions with having kids (whether by accident or planning), feeling like it's a box they're obligated to tick off. That ignores the ENORMITY of what the decisions results in: A brand-new human life, with all its complexity and needs and sometimes pain, that will be around long after you yourself are not.

 

What gets tricky for me is that I do 100 percent feel grateful that I was born, and feel that life is worth living despite its pain. So it feels a little weird to block the possibility of another new life that I'd hope would be just as rich.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...