Found a text on child's phone

[candycane82]

So my daughter's father and I got divorced last year due to his addictions but he has since gotten sober, has a job, is contributing to her and all the other kids. We have been spending time together and he comes to visit when he has his other kids.

 

 

This weekend his daughter, 12, left her phone at my place and didn't realize it until we were about to drop them off. It's a 2 hour drive from my place to where we met their mom and where their dad lives right now. I said I would mail it. When I got home with my daughter, I looked at her sister's texts. Mainly between she and her mom. Now I can't stand her mother and never have. Known her as long as I've known my ex and she's a psycho. She sometimes treats her kids like crap honestly. But I found a text his daughter sent her mom and it disturbed me but I'm not sure if I should tell her dad about it.

 

 

She texted her mom that she doesn't like it when their stepdad 'hurts' her little brother. Her mom asked her what happened. She said that their stepdad pulled him down the stairs and basically choked him. (The brother is 7). Her mom responded that "first off you guys don't need to talk to (stepdad) the way you do. Not that you said anything but your brother needs to respect him. He's done more for us than I have and way more than your dad has ever done." Her mom then said that she talked to her husband and he said he did pull him down the stairs. The daughter said her mom needs to listen to them when there is more abusive things going on and that she doesn't think her stepdad would do that and loves them. Her mom said that sometimes parents "hit their breaking point."

 

 

I wasn't there. The daughter said she didn't see anything but heard it happen. Then she kind of just brushed it off after her mom said that. I'm not sure if I should tell their dad about it or show him the texts. I took pictures of the thread before I mail it back. The kids do exaggerate at times but this doesn't seem like exaggerating.

 

 

I'm just wondering what others would do as I'm not a stepparent anymore and I did look at her phone without asking.

[GorillaTheater]

If I understand things correctly, I think you may have enough to go to CPS or the appropriate child protective agency in your area.

 

 

I don't say that lightly. Having CPS involved with your family can be very difficult at best. But it doesn't appear that you can trust the adults involved to address the situation. The first priority has to be the welfare and safety of that poor kid.

[candycane82]

I was more wondering if I should tell their dad or not. I don't want him to flip out and do something stupid to risk his sobriety and he's on probation. He's currently in a halfway house and doing really well but I think he should know about this. I'm just not sure if he'll get mad I looked at her phone too though.

[GorillaTheater]

Take it to the authorities. Let them sort it out.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If I understand things correctly, I think you may have enough to go to CPS or the appropriate child protective agency in your area.

 

 

I don't say that lightly. Having CPS involved with your family can be very difficult at best. But it doesn't appear that you can trust the adults involved to address the situation. The first priority has to be the welfare and safety of that poor kid.

 

THIS!

 

Having worked for many years in domestic violence and child abuse agency, you can NEVER be too careful regarding these things. If there are no issues to worry about then nothing will happen to the people involved.

 

Wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? I can't tell you how many abuse issues go unreported because people are too afraid to "rock the boat".

 

ROCK THE F*CKING BOAT and let the professionals deal with it. If nothing else, hopefully the report will scare the man into watching what he does now that eyes are on him.

[candycane82]

It's not that I don't want to rock the boat I don't know how to approach it to their father. I took pictures of the text thread. It was sent Nov 29 so that's when whatever happened, happened.

 

 

Yes his daughter does exaggerate and she has flat out lied to her about things I have said (I saw those texts too) but I don't think she would say that to her mom.

 

 

Their dad is 2 hours away and things get mistranslated via phone and text so I wasn't sure if I should wait until I see him this weekend or text him the threads and see what he wants to do. I just don't want him to react emotionally and do something stupid like take matters into his own hands and get arrested while he's on probation.

[CarrieT]

Take screen shots of the texts - make sure you have documentation of what you saw before you let the phone leave your hands.

 

And then - yes - take it to CPS.

[candycane82]

Take screen shots of the texts - make sure you have documentation of what you saw before you let the phone leave your hands.

 

And then - yes - take it to CPS.

 

 

 

As stated, I have pictures of the thread. It's from 29 November. I really think their dad needs to know about it first but I don't want him to let his emotions take over and do something irrational like go after the stepdad or something. But I did take shots with my phone and haven't mailed it back yet but am today.

 

 

But I didn't see anything happen. Even their daughter says she didn't see it but she heard is what she says in the text. I just feel bad I looked at her phone but sometimes when she talks about being home - she never says there's violence but more her mom and stepdad will send them to friend's houses often so they can have friends over and drink.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was more wondering if I should tell their dad or not. I don't want him to flip out and do something stupid to risk his sobriety and he's on probation. He's currently in a halfway house and doing really well but I think he should know about this. I'm just not sure if he'll get mad I looked at her phone too though.

 

Why are the mothers in this situation trying to watch out for the backs of the ADULT males than the seven year old being dragged and choked?

 

Seriously?

 

Go to CPS. I really don't say that lightly.

[dreamingoftigers]

THIS!

 

Having worked for many years in domestic violence and child abuse agency, you can NEVER be too careful regarding these things. If there are no issues to worry about then nothing will happen to the people involved.

 

Wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? I can't tell you how many abuse issues go unreported because people are too afraid to "rock the boat".

 

ROCK THE F*CKING BOAT and let the professionals deal with it. If nothing else, hopefully the report will scare the man into watching what he does now that eyes are on him.

 

The bolded is not necessarily true AT ALL.

 

However, in this case, I would say it is 110% worth the risk.

[dreamingoftigers]

I just don't want him to react emotionally and do something stupid like take matters into his own hands and get arrested while he's on probation.

 

That's his responsibility. It's up to him to behave sanely and value his sobriety enough to keep it.

[jen1447]

If you're prepared/determined to do this, it's actually a criminal matter and not a parental one. (An attack on a child is criminal whether your ex agrees or not.) Given that and his unreliability I'd skip the part involving him altogether and just contact law enforcement. Tell them exactly what you found and what your concerns are and they'll tell you exactly what the law allows and what should be done, and they'll even contact CPS for you if that's the appropriate course of action and get the ball rolling. Your involvement in it might begin and end w/turning over what you found.

[candycane82]

Why are the mothers in this situation trying to watch out for the backs of the ADULT males than the seven year old being dragged and choked?

 

Seriously?

 

Go to CPS. I really don't say that lightly.

 

I'm not looking out for his back. Okay? I'm not their stepmom anymore for one. I only know what her daughter texted her and she didn't even see anything as she stated herself. She said she heard. I don't know if her brother told her he was choked. I'm not sure. The stepdad told her mom he pulled him down the stairs when she asked per the texts.

 

 

Don't [] judge me when you don't know me. Okay? All I know is what I saw from texts from November. I wasn't sure how to handle it since I looked at the kid's phone who isn't even my kid and isn't my stepkid anymore and wasn't sure what I could do since it's not my phone. I was wondering how to approach it with their dad. If he goes off the handle then they absolutely have no one but their crazy maternal grandmother. That was my point.

 

 

I really don't appreciate someone judging me when you have no clue what my life is like right now. I also have my daughter to worry about and really don't need their mom retaliating against me because she would know it was me if they show her texts. I just don't need a [] show to start either.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

I wish someone called CAS when my mother strangled me. I was too scared to so. I can certainly appreciate not wanting to get involved due to fear of reprisal. However, this is the safety of a child we are talking about.

[TunaCat]

Nothing else matters except the SAFETY of that seven year old right now.

 

Someone needs to stick up for that boy regardless of reprocussions. That boy deserves SOMEONE who will stick up for him, and be the ADULT in this situation.

[CC12]

No, don't tell her dad. Since you have a hunch that he will react inappropriately, he can't be trusted with this information. Take it to CPS if you feel you must act on this. Hopefully you have more evidence of abuse/neglect than these unclear texts.

 

Also what made you decide to snoop through a pre-teen's private texts with her own mother? You had no business doing that. You don't even give any good reason for doing it. Like if you had previously felt that she was in grave danger with her mother and you had no other choice than to snoop, then maybe I could understand it. But then again, if you suspected abuse/neglect in the first place you should have done something about it or called CPS long ago. You wouldn't have needed some texts (that were possibly taken out of context) to prove it.

 

Anyway, the most you should do is report it to CPS. You aren't the mom, you're not the stepmom, you're not even dad's girlfriend (if I'm understanding correctly.) You're in no position to make any changes other than leaving it up to the appropriate authorities.

 

And please stop snooping.

[candycane82]

Again - no one saw him get choked. His sister said she 'heard' commotion. Their dad messaged the stepdad to keep his hands off his kids. The stepdad said he never put his hands on the kids. That when his kid or anyone's kids disrespect him, he will yell at them. He said that he pulled him up the stairs because he got up twice after his bedtime and kept coming downstairs and not listening. Apparently, he must have talked back. I don't know. We weren't there. Their dad said scold them all you want but keep your hands off. The stepdad said that the mom was outside smoking when it happened that night and that they and the kids all sat down and talked about respect and not talking back to adults and parents. Their dad said ok.

 

 

I talked to a friend who has dealt with DHHS in our state and she said they won't do anything if there is no evidence of abuse. If the kids are clean, well fed and the parents have stabled jobs, they won't even investigate it.

 

 

The only thing that still seems weird about the story is why their mom was texting his sister about this if she was outside smoking. She tells her mom. Her mom asks what happened. Then her mom must have talked to the stepdad and said they aren't supposed to ever talk to him like that. The daughter says in cases where there's something more abusive you should listen to us but we know he wouldn't do that and we love him and you. The mom says she listens to them but that the son exaggerates a lot and that parents reach a breaking point like when she spanks him or grabs him by the arm.

 

 

Honestly there is no proof of anything and the way DHHS handles crap around here, it wouldn't do anything to report it. I've seen other cases where they mishandled situations. And my ex's oldest son got given back to his abusive stepdad and they told him he would have to move to that state in order to have his son - which means he would have to leave the other three kids and start where he has no family, no job, no support. The mom took off again so the stepdad has guardianship and shouldn't when he was the reason the kid is the ward of the state.

 

 

I told their dad we need to talk to them next time we have them and they need to know that if anything bad happens at all they need to call someone. But I've researched about it in my state and it won't do anything. It won't even get investigated honestly. But at least the stepdad knows now that their dad knows.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not looking out for his back. Okay? I'm not their stepmom anymore for one. I only know what her daughter texted her and she didn't even see anything as she stated herself. She said she heard. I don't know if her brother told her he was choked. I'm not sure. The stepdad told her mom he pulled him down the stairs when she asked per the texts.

 

Ffs. You have texts showing clear abuse. And your general response has been more focused on trying to protect the kid's father from not losing his sobriety or acting all nuts. That's his responsibility. Yours is to report what you know so that if there is an abuse cycle going on, the child can be protected. The mother on the other side is clearly more concerned with the "stepfather being disrespected." Come on.

 

It doesn't matter if you are their "Stepmom" or not anymore. If I picked up a phone and saw those texts between ANY kid and parent, I'd report. Wouldn't even blink. No one reported for me when I was severely abused as a child and look how I turned out. I'm "judgmental." Because that's what's important.

 

Don't [] judge me when you don't know me. Okay? All I know is what I saw from texts from November. I wasn't sure how to handle it since I looked at the kid's phone who isn't even my kid and isn't my stepkid anymore and wasn't sure what I could do since it's not my phone. I was wondering how to approach it with their dad. If he goes off the handle then they absolutely have no one but their crazy maternal grandmother. That was my point.

See above.

 

I really don't appreciate someone judging me when you have no clue what my life is like right now. I also have my daughter to worry about and really don't need their mom retaliating against me because she would know it was me if they show her texts. I just don't need a [] show to start either.

 

Seriously?

You are thinking of turning a blind eye because

 

1. It's not your phone

2. It's not your stepchild

3. You are afraid of a hypothetical.

4. The adult male in the situation might compromise himself.

 

Think about it. Would you want what was happening to the little boy to happen to your daughter?

 

Let's say custody got twisted into something messed up where she was being raised by her father and a "stepmother" and the stepmother felt the desire to drag your daughter down the stairs and someone else knew about it.... Would you be okay with that?

[candycane82]

No, don't tell her dad. Since you have a hunch that he will react inappropriately, he can't be trusted with this information. Take it to CPS if you feel you must act on this. Hopefully you have more evidence of abuse/neglect than these unclear texts.

 

Also what made you decide to snoop through a pre-teen's private texts with her own mother? You had no business doing that. You don't even give any good reason for doing it. Like if you had previously felt that she was in grave danger with her mother and you had no other choice than to snoop, then maybe I could understand it. But then again, if you suspected abuse/neglect in the first place you should have done something about it or called CPS long ago. You wouldn't have needed some texts (that were possibly taken out of context) to prove it.

 

 

Anyway, the most you should do is report it to CPS. You aren't the mom, you're not the stepmom, you're not even dad's girlfriend (if I'm understanding correctly.) You're in no position to make any changes other than leaving it up to the appropriate authorities.

 

And please stop snooping.

 

 

Apparently you didn't read the most recent post I made in which I did tell him and forwarded the pics of the text. He was pissed. He messaged the stepdad and said nothing to the mother. The stepdad explained to him what happened. He said he didn't lay hands on the kids. The son kept coming downstairs after his bedtime and must have mouthed off so he yelled at the kid and then took him back upstairs. Then said he and the mom had a talk with them about respect. I don't know if that's true and even the daughter said she didn't see anything. No there's no other evidence of abuse than those texts which is why I can't report it. As I stated, DHHS here won't even investigate if there's no evidence of neglect or abuse. If the kids are well fed and clean they won't even bother.

 

 

I already explained why I went through her phone. She left it at my place. I had to mail it back. She had been talking about how her mom and stepdad were always either going out or having people over and sending them to friends' or relatives so I checked to see if that was true. I didn't expect to see that text thread pop up about her talking about her stepdad. Without seeing the texts, you can't really comment. I never thought they were in "grave" danger. I know her mom treats her like my mom did me and I can't stand parents who emotionally abuse their kids. I've seen her make her daughter cry, pull her into custody disagreements and so on. I've been with their dad for 3 years until we got divorced. I paid child support, took care of them, sat there and helped her get through when her mom would do that.

 

 

Again I explained how CPS here acts - or doesn't act - on allegations. So I'm not wasting my time on reporting it when all there are is the texts. I don't have to explain to you the relationship dynamic of her father and I. We are together but we don't live together right now. It's pretty complicated when we got divorced last year and with the kids - not that it's any of your damn business. What changes am I trying to make? Did I say I was making changes? No. I was just looking out for the kids like I've done for almost 4 years.

 

 

You know what - you're not my boss. I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me to do. If I want to snoop on any phone in my apartment, I will snoop. Especially if I think something's going on.

[loveweary11]

Wish they even had CPS when I wasva kid.

 

Was beaten daily by stepfather. Had to move into my car at 16 to avoid it.

 

Callled the cops once, they came by, laughed and I got beaten much worse.

 

Definitely help the kid out.

[BettyDraper]

Apparently you didn't read the most recent post I made in which I did tell him and forwarded the pics of the text. He was pissed. He messaged the stepdad and said nothing to the mother. The stepdad explained to him what happened. He said he didn't lay hands on the kids. The son kept coming downstairs after his bedtime and must have mouthed off so he yelled at the kid and then took him back upstairs. Then said he and the mom had a talk with them about respect. I don't know if that's true and even the daughter said she didn't see anything. No there's no other evidence of abuse than those texts which is why I can't report it. As I stated, DHHS here won't even investigate if there's no evidence of neglect or abuse. If the kids are well fed and clean they won't even bother.

 

 

I already explained why I went through her phone. She left it at my place. I had to mail it back. She had been talking about how her mom and stepdad were always either going out or having people over and sending them to friends' or relatives so I checked to see if that was true. I didn't expect to see that text thread pop up about her talking about her stepdad. Without seeing the texts, you can't really comment. I never thought they were in "grave" danger. I know her mom treats her like my mom did me and I can't stand parents who emotionally abuse their kids. I've seen her make her daughter cry, pull her into custody disagreements and so on. I've been with their dad for 3 years until we got divorced. I paid child support, took care of them, sat there and helped her get through when her mom would do that.

 

 

Again I explained how CPS here acts - or doesn't act - on allegations. So I'm not wasting my time on reporting it when all there are is the texts. I don't have to explain to you the relationship dynamic of her father and I. We are together but we don't live together right now. It's pretty complicated when we got divorced last year and with the kids - not that it's any of your damn business. What changes am I trying to make? Did I say I was making changes? No. I was just looking out for the kids like I've done for almost 4 years.

 

 

You know what - you're not my boss. I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me to do. If I want to snoop on any phone in my apartment, I will snoop. Especially if I think something's going on.

 

While it's true that you don't have to do anything that LS members tell you to do, I don't understand the point of asking for opinions that you don't even care about.

[candycane82]

While it's true that you don't have to do anything that LS members tell you to do, I don't understand the point of asking for opinions that you don't even care about.

 

Other people gave valid opinions. You didn't. The situation is done and over. Moving on.

[candycane82]

Wish they even had CPS when I wasva kid.

 

Was beaten daily by stepfather. Had to move into my car at 16 to avoid it.

 

Callled the cops once, they came by, laughed and I got beaten much worse.

 

Definitely help the kid out.

 

Go back and read my most recent posts about the situation. Apparently there may not have even been any abuse. If I can I'll even post the conversation she had with her mom. But their dad talked to the stepdad who said he never choked the kid, never hit him he just yelled at him because the kid mouthed off to him after he was told to stay in bed. That is very believable because that kid mouths off to everyone when he doesn't get his way. He has said some very hurtful things to me in the past when I wouldn't let him have his way with video games (kid's a huge video game addict).

 

 

I'm not sure what the daughter heard she never said.

[AMarriedMan]

I talked to a friend who has dealt with DHHS in our state and she said they won't do anything if there is no evidence of abuse. If the kids are clean, well fed and the parents have stabled jobs, they won't even investigate it.

 

What on Earth does the parents having stable jobs have do with the necessity of a child abuse investigation?