ChattyKat Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) Am I overreacting to this or do I have a good reason to be concerned? My friend has been dating him the past 2.5months. It's great that he and her 11yr.old daughter get along well. However, I think he might be pushing boundaries. After all, she's getting close to being a teenager and will be starting puberty soon. Throughout the evening, the boyfriend paid more attention to the child than his girlfriend being her playmate giving her shoulder rides, a bit of rough housing tickling her, playing Ipad games with her and sitting on his lap. The child mother doesn't seem to be bothered by it all. There was other children close to her age there but she wasn't really playing with them Another reason for my concern is 2 of his family members are convicted child molesters. Not saying he will be too but it definitely raises the risk. I read some info on how predators "groom" their victims. Scary stuff Edited January 18, 2016 by ChattyKat Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Or, you know, winning the approval of the child is a great way to win the approval of the parent. Not to say that your concern is entirely misplaced, but it is better to give the benefit of the doubt. The actions that you have mentioned are not exactly inappropriate, and if the mother is not alarmed, you should not be overreacting either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 If its bothering your gut, say something. There was a creeper around my daughter awhile ago. My husband and I both noticed it but were uncomfortable raising it because we didn't want to "accuse" anyone. But luckily that dropped after 24 hours and we expressed it to one another. That guy didn't notice his own gf, his own newborn daughter or either one of us: but he really noticed our daughter. I posted about it on another thread. We very clearly supervised her full-on and found a way to remove him from our situation. He left other red flags on the way out as well. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CalvinJ23 Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 i can definitely see your cause for concern. I would hope that his intentions are innocent and he just enjoys the child's company or is just trying to show how well they can get along. i would raise the issue the child's mother; not to accuse anyone but more for her to increase her vigilance. you know.. better safe than sorry. it would be horrible if something find out something happened and you didn't say anything when you saw signs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChattyKat Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 i can definitely see your cause for concern. I would hope that his intentions are innocent and he just enjoys the child's company or is just trying to show how well they can get along. i would raise the issue the child's mother; not to accuse anyone but more for her to increase her vigilance. you know.. better safe than sorry. it would be horrible if something find out something happened and you didn't say anything when you saw signs. Yes, that's what I'm hoping. Maybe he's trying to be the fun "parent" to be well liked by the child so the mom will be more inclined to be in a relationship with him since they get along well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I think 11 years old is entirely too old for him to be 'tickling' her and having her sit in his lap. It's creepy behavior by someone she barely KNOWS. Jesus, your friend has only been dating this guy for a couple months so it's not like he's known this little girl for years. Honestly, it would be one thing if he'd known her since she was a baby and this is how they've always interacted for 11 years. But it's NOT. The fact that your friend already introduced him to her kid so early in the relationship is her FIRST mistake. The fact that he's got his hands on this girl too much is a huge red flag. HUGE. I've heard of many stories where pedophiles have purposely targeted single moms to date in order to get close to their kids. The fact that this guy comes from sex offenders means there's a family element that has promoted this type of sickness. Your friend is a fool. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I have a seven year old daughter and the only lap she sits on is mine and her grand parents. But again I'm overly protected with my kids. I think this days you have to be very aware of who you bring home. You even have to be careful of your own family. I would keep an eye out. Some people can hide there inner demons quite well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 If he was the dad or even a close relative that had always had a close bond, I would think nothing of it. Men are allowed to be affectionate with their children, nephews, nieces, etc. But this dude is WAY too new to the situation, in my opinion, to have her sitting on his lap or for him to be tickling her. I would mention it to the mother in a non-accusatory way. He's done nothing wrong, and as others said, maybe he's trying to stay in mom's good graces, but there are certainly other ways to do that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Child predators/pedophiles always put themselves in situations that give themselves access to children. Always. Red flags flying. I agree with Lois, it's way too soon for him to be around her child. She doesn't know him, at all. No way that I would allow any man to behave the way you have described around a girl without taking notice and being on high alert. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I just want to add that this is a tricky issue because you're weighing two VERY important considerations - the safety of a child versus accusing/branding someone as a person who wants to hurt a child. Yes, statistically most child molesters are men, and this whole situation does fit the M.O. of many abusers. But it's like one of those Venn Diagrams...just because the circles overlap doesn't mean that this guy is in the overlapping section. So be vigilant, and yes err on the side of caution for the child's sake, but also I'd tell the OP to be VERY careful how she phrases her concerns. A few unartfully chosen words could form the basis of gossip and/or totally unfounded accusations. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChattyKat Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 What would be a few good ways to word it when I bring it up? I'll be seeing them again in a few weeks. Thinking I can mention something to her boyfriend like "Don't you think she's getting old to be sitting in your lap?". Yes, it's a tricky situation since I don't want anyone to think I'm accusing him of anything. She looks young for age, can easily pass for 8-9yrs. old. And small in height than the average girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 I agree with you MightyPen. Except, she really should not have to say anything at this point in the relationship. All the mother has to do is stop allowing exposure to her child. As for talking to her friend...at lunch or something ask mom if she has noticed the amount of attention bf has been giving to her daughter? Are you comfortable with this? If so say....I was watching/reading the other day blah blah about child sex abuse, maybe I am being a bit paranoid but....better safe than sorry, yes mom? Pedophiles who target single mothers take advantage of the love goggles. They are particularly charming in relationships and rush intimacy and even marriage. Their behavior is manipulative and strategic. I understand using caution to not be offensive on some topics regarding a friend's romantic relationship. I draw a hard line on this one. The only thing standing between a pedophile and a child is a conscientious/responsible and observant adult. I won't make any exceptions or worry over hurt feelings on this issue. He should not be hanging around the girl so much after only 2/3 months anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChattyKat Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 I agree with you MightyPen. Except, she really should not have to say anything at this point in the relationship. All the mother has to do is stop allowing exposure to her child. As for talking to her friend...at lunch or something ask mom if she has noticed the amount of attention bf has been giving to her daughter? Are you comfortable with this? If so say....I was watching/reading the other day blah blah about child sex abuse, maybe I am being a bit paranoid but....better safe than sorry, yes mom? Pedophiles who target single mothers take advantage of the love goggles. They are particularly charming in relationships and rush intimacy and even marriage. Their behavior is manipulative and strategic. I understand using caution to not be offensive on some topics regarding a friend's romantic relationship. I draw a hard line on this one. The only thing standing between a pedophile and a child is a conscientious/responsible and observant adult. I won't make any exceptions or worry over hurt feelings on this issue. He should not be hanging around the girl so much after only 2/3 months anyway. Maybe I could mention to the mom how her bf has the child wrapped around his finger in such a short period of time which I think is sketchy, IMHO. And how she feels about it??? At the get-together we were at, their was other children there her age within everyone's view and she preferred to be around the mom's boyfriend. Before he came along, she would be playing with the other kids most of the time Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 You noticed. You are objective and not someone, as her friend, looking for fault. Yet something felt 'off' enough to make this thread. I think you should 'gently' bring it up to her, yes. It does not need to be accusatory, pooh on that fear. As a friend, bring it up in a gentle way that his behavior struck you a bit odd. She is in an infatuation phase with her relationship. Even mentioning something off may bring her to earth. She may very well become defensive. That's ok and to be expected. Remember, you are not accusing. You are making her see something she has been too distracted to notice. He may be innocent and his intentions pure. The fact of the matter is that neither of you know him well enough to tell the difference and being cautious outweighs any risk of offense. No loving adult should wait for a child to advocate for or protect them self. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Am I overreacting to this or do I have a good reason to be concerned? My friend has been dating him the past 2.5months. It's great that he and her 11yr.old daughter get along well. However, I think he might be pushing boundaries. After all, she's getting close to being a teenager and will be starting puberty soon. Throughout the evening, the boyfriend paid more attention to the child than his girlfriend being her playmate giving her shoulder rides, a bit of rough housing tickling her, playing Ipad games with her and sitting on his lap. The child mother doesn't seem to be bothered by it all. There was other children close to her age there but she wasn't really playing with them Another reason for my concern is 2 of his family members are convicted child molesters. Not saying he will be too but it definitely raises the risk. I read some info on how predators "groom" their victims. Scary stuff Wow, that last part certainly raises concern... but it also potentially clouds the issue as well. For we here cannot discern whether a whole family environment perhaps created BY those convicted molesters is more to blame for this inappropriate closeness with a child, than are the specifics related to this guy. (maybe he learned {admittedly, from molesters} the trait of being far too chummy with underage (girls) from the environment which surrounded him, and now sees that as the norm ). Hopefully they'll just break-up in time, and the concern can be put to rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChattyKat Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 (edited) Wow, that last part certainly raises concern... but it also potentially clouds the issue as well. For we here cannot discern whether a whole family environment perhaps created BY those convicted molesters is more to blame for this inappropriate closeness with a child, than are the specifics related to this guy. (maybe he learned {admittedly, from molesters} the trait of being far too chummy with underage (girls) from the environment which surrounded him, and now sees that as the norm ). Hopefully they'll just break-up in time, and the concern can be put to rest. He grew up in a home where his father molested the sister. The abuse started when she was about 12 until she was 15 when the father was reported & arrested. Don't really know much detail. I do not know if he ever received counseling about what had happened. Sadly, some people who grow up with abuse in the family repeat the cycle. Edited January 18, 2016 by ChattyKat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 He grew up in a home where his father molested the sister. The abuse started when she was about 12 until she was 15 when the father was reported & arrested. Don't really know much detail. I do not know if he ever received counseling about what had happened. Sadly, some people who grow up with abuse in the family repeat the cycle. Hmmmmm this post has MY alarm bells going off and I don't even know these people... Are you close enough to them to be there and observe more? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 on one hand I can see how he could be trying to win the daughter over but I must agree having her sit on the his lap at age of 11 is crossing boundries 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 The real issue here is how irresponsible your friend is being. She is letting a man she barely knows be around her daughter. She is also allowing a man with questionable family history to have inappropriate contact with her child. Raise your concerns with your friend and then say nothing more. You don't want to accuse anyone if your intuition is wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scrapbooker Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 My spidey senses are tingling all over with this story. 2.5 months of dating and he's already that familiar? A family of sex offenders? Besides my initial "what the heck is your friend thinking????" reaction..... I think next time you and she are talking, I'd just ask, "Are you comfortable with how handsy your boyfriend seems to be with your 11 year old daughter?" Then again, I'm not known for tact in this type of situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChattyKat Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 Hmmmmm this post has MY alarm bells going off and I don't even know these people... Are you close enough to them to be there and observe more? Unfortunately, no. I only see them maybe 2-3x a month tops. I saw them again recently. She wasn't hanging around him as much and chose to play with other kids more. My spidey senses are tingling all over with this story. 2.5 months of dating and he's already that familiar? A family of sex offenders? Besides my initial "what the heck is your friend thinking????" reaction..... I think next time you and she are talking, I'd just ask, "Are you comfortable with how handsy your boyfriend seems to be with your 11 year old daughter?" Then again, I'm not known for tact in this type of situation. She's a desperate idiot. Sorry to be blunt. My friend is very book smart, however when it comes to relationships and red flags, not so much. I like the example you gave of what to tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
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