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If your adult children didn't want kids...


BettyDraper

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My mother is very unhappy with my decision not to have kids.

 

My cousin is very close to my mom and she has told my cousin that she feels responsible for my choice. My mother and I will never be close because she was quite vicious to me for a long time. I forgive her but I can't and won't forget her actions. My cousin says that my mother mourns the loss of the opportunity to share the experience of pregnancy and birth with me as a woman. She was also especially looking forward to her daughter's grandchildren; I have one brother who has a son.

 

I didn't make this choice to hurt my mom. I made it for other reasons but I will admit that my mother's treatment of me certainly impacted my decision.

 

My question is would you be upset if your adult children didn't want kids? Why or why not?

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I don't have kids & due to my age, now I can't. I know when she died my mother was sad for me that I am childless.

 

 

Just stop talking about it & eventually your mother should just accept your decision, well, maybe not accept but at least not give you grief to your face about it.

 

 

I know one of my mom's concerns -- which does weigh a little on me -- is that an only child who doesn't have kids, there will be no one to advocate for me when I'm old.

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I don't have kids & due to my age, now I can't. I know when she died my mother was sad for me that I am childless.

 

 

Just stop talking about it & eventually your mother should just accept your decision, well, maybe not accept but at least not give you grief to your face about it.

 

 

I know one of my mom's concerns -- which does weigh a little on me -- is that an only child who doesn't have kids, there will be no one to advocate for me when I'm old.

 

She likes to tell people that my husband is forcing me not to have kids. I don't appreciate that at all.

Not every child takes care of elderly parents. You only have to look in a nursing home to see that there are many elderly people who have kids but no advocates.

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My eldest daughter has one child, who's 5. She absolutely does NOT want any more.

 

My youngest is totally against having kids. Neither she nor her partner want to have children.

 

Me?

Applause. Bravo, good for them, I totally support their decisions.

 

I'd much rather have two conscientious, clear-headed daughters who know what they want/don't want, and why, rather than two children who would have offspring simply to avoid grand-parental disappointment or...well... just because.... well...every couple has kids..... don't they?

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She likes to tell people that my husband is forcing me not to have kids. I don't appreciate that at all.

Not every child takes care of elderly parents. You only have to look in a nursing home to see that there are many elderly people who have kids but no advocates.

 

 

That would annoy me too, having mom throw DH under the bus. You need to sit her down & get her to stop saying that.

 

 

I took amazing care of my parents so my mom assumed I would get a daughter like me. But you are right, not everybody takes care of their parents.

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My eldest daughter has one child, who's 5. She absolutely does NOT want any more.

 

My youngest is totally against having kids. Neither she nor her partner want to have children.

 

Me?

Applause. Bravo, good for them, I totally support their decisions.

 

I'd much rather have two conscientious, clear-headed daughters who know what they want/don't want, and why, rather than two children who would have offspring simply to avoid grand-parental disappointment or...well... just because.... well...every couple has kids..... don't they?

 

It sounds like you are a reasonable and enlightened person.

Sadly, that is not the kind of person my mother is. Anyone who doesn't follow her traditions is deviant in some way. I wish that she would stop spreading rumors about my marriage and my decision to remain childless.

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Honestly, I think I would be indifferent. It just doesn't seem like something that would raise my hackles. If my kids decided to drop out, shoot up heroin, live on the streets, and prostitute themselves then I would be disappointed.

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It sounds like you are a reasonable and enlightened person.

Sadly, that is not the kind of person my mother is. Anyone who doesn't follow her traditions is deviant in some way. I wish that she would stop spreading rumors about my marriage and my decision to remain childless.

Start spreading a couple about her.

See how she likes that.

 

Or confront her, as my good buddy did with her father, and tell her that what she's doing is untrue, deliberate and malicious, and if she persists you will get your solicitor to send her a stern note.

 

One or the other.

Both within your rights.

Choose the 'lesser of two evils'.

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Adult children owe their parents zero grandchildren.

 

I agree with this. Adult children only owe their parents independence; freedom from having to look after their kids once they are are certain age. I hate to see adult kids who beg their parents for money or run to their parents for every little thing. My parents already did their job of raising me. Now it is time for them to enjoy the last part of their life without worrying about how I'm doing.

 

I also believe that adult kids and parents both owe each other respect.

I had to teach my mother that just because she is my parent, she doesn't have the right to be rude or nosy. I have also humbled myself and apologized when I wasn't kind to my mother.

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I know my mother was disappointed that I didn't want kids for the longest time, but with all due respect, I didn't care and wouldn't have them because she wanted them.

 

Start talking about how pregnancy is a parasite feeding off the host and that tends to stop people from talking. ;)

 

My mom is very happy I have now had a child but I was not interested in doing so until my mid 30s and with my husband. Any other scenario I was find missing it.

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Agreeing with the rest of what has been written. My son is intellectually disabled and unlikely to have children. As for my daughter, while I would like grandchildren, I would respect her choice if she decided not to have them.

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Try acknowledging the parents desires. (empathy) then calmly explain that its a choice that came with many challenges. Ultimately your life choices settled on marital dedication with love in your heart for the kinfolk that are here or in the making.

It respects the other persons desire and clarifies your side as well.

While its always the couples decision , an open chat doesn't hurt to cement the decision.

If she still persists tell her a dog or a cat is the closest addition to your household. ( Provided you care to have pets)

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Try acknowledging the parents desires. (empathy) then calmly explain that its a choice that came with many challenges. Ultimately your life choices settled on marital dedication with love in your heart for the kinfolk that are here or in the making.

It respects the other persons desire and clarifies your side as well.

While its always the couples decision , an open chat doesn't hurt to cement the decision.

If she still persists tell her a dog or a cat is the closest addition to your household. ( Provided you care to have pets)

 

If your adult children did not want kids, how would you react to their choice?

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My question is would you be upset if your adult children didn't want kids? Why or why not?

 

Sorry your mother and yourself have an apparently strained relationship......

 

Unfortunately my exW and myself were unable to have children so I can't say with certainty what I would have told them but I can share what I experienced as an adult child and that was having parents who put zero pressure on the whole progeny thing. My mother was still alive when I got married and I don't recall her once mentioning 'so when is my first grandchild?', rather she was happy to see me happy. When we got married she was, hmm, 78. Heh.

 

Why or why not? Well, my socialization was that children were parented then sent forth into the world to live their lives and make their own choices and, if one loves them, to support such choices as having children or not. Sure, they're always one's children but they are also adults. I can thank my mother and father for that lesson.

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Sorry your mother and yourself have an apparently strained relationship......

 

Unfortunately my exW and myself were unable to have children so I can't say with certainty what I would have told them but I can share what I experienced as an adult child and that was having parents who put zero pressure on the whole progeny thing. My mother was still alive when I got married and I don't recall her once mentioning 'so when is my first grandchild?', rather she was happy to see me happy. When we got married she was, hmm, 78. Heh.

 

Why or why not? Well, my socialization was that children were parented then sent forth into the world to live their lives and make their own choices and, if one loves them, to support such choices as having children or not. Sure, they're always one's children but they are also adults. I can thank my mother and father for that lesson.

 

That's okay. The relationship made me a stronger person. I think my mother has a hard time not being in control.

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I wouldn't be worried about it for my own personal reasons but it would bother me for my son's sake. I believe that children are very important because they anchor us and give us "family". So I think the decision not to have kids is everyone's right - I almost made that decision myself - but they bring so much to life that can't be described.

 

In your case, I can understand your decision but I hope you know that you can change your family history through children. But your decision is none of your mother's business and she has no right to spread lies or truth about this subject.

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If your adult children did not want kids, how would you react to their choice?

 

Kinda water over the bridge since They welcomed two children with open arms.

 

If ( hypothetically) Either of my adult sons said they didn't wish to have children, I would have the Typical open chat on it. Which would be what brought them to that decision . And yes I'd convey my view point because ppl in my family openly express concerns or listen , its one of those dynamics where we don't put people in their "place", but welcome them to have a place in their different views and beliefs. We respect varying life choices.

Kinda like how my niece unloaded about how she was infertile... we all supported her thru that sad time... just as we respect choices to not have... there are some that cannot... so openly sharing does wonders...

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I wouldn't be worried about it for my own personal reasons but it would bother me for my son's sake. I believe that children are very important because they anchor us and give us "family". So I think the decision not to have kids is everyone's right - I almost made that decision myself - but they bring so much to life that can't be described.

 

In your case, I can understand your decision but I hope you know that you can change your family history through children. But your decision is none of your mother's business and she has no right to spread lies or truth about this subject.

 

I am already anchored by my husband and he is my family. ;)

 

I know that children do not always bring joy to life because of what I experienced with my mother. I have also spoken to many of my mommy friends before I made my choice. They have told me the real story about motherhood, instead of pretending that it is all wonderful Kodak moments. I greatly appreciate that about my mommy friends. They tell me that I will always have more disposable income, more time with my husband, a body that has not been ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth and endless freedom. My mommy friends have even said that they are jealous of my life. :laugh:

 

My mom is just too ignorant to understand that not everyone has to follow her path. I'm just happy that she has moved far away so I don't have to see her more than once a year or less.

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Kinda water over the bridge since They welcomed two children with open arms.

 

If ( hypothetically) Either of my adult sons said they didn't wish to have children, I would have the Typical open chat on it. Which would be what brought them to that decision . And yes I'd convey my view point because ppl in my family openly express concerns or listen , its one of those dynamics where we don't put people in their "place", but welcome them to have a place in their different views and beliefs. We respect varying life choices.

Kinda like how my niece unloaded about how she was infertile... we all supported her thru that sad time... just as we respect choices to not have... there are some that cannot... so openly sharing does wonders...

 

What would make you question the reasons for your sons' hypothetical decision?

 

I don't see what's wrong with conveying a viewpoint, as long as it is done respectfully and there is no manipulation. Spreading rumors is unacceptable and so are statements such as "You're just doing that to please your spouse!" or "You will regret that when you get older!" Comments like that are presumptuous and ignorant. I'm very careful about what I share with others as I don't want to be judged or have my disclosures used against me like they have in the past.

 

When people respond aggressively to my choices which have nothing to do with them, that is when I feel the need to put them in their places. I have stopped talking to certain people because they repeatedly made rude comments about my decision. I don't understand that since I don't make snide remarks about those who decide to have kids.

Edited by BettyDraper
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did you mention your age? maybe this is something that will change w/time and maturity? it's really only after a certain age (perhaps 41+) that most women can really say 'no children' and it's the absolute truth. in any event, the worst possible reason to have kids is for anyone other than yourself or your spouse. you don't owe your mother or father or in-laws anything. they'll be long dead while you're still bringing up a baby. it's your decision, and it's too bad she doesn't respect that. my mother had her first (and only) grandchild at age 68 - much older than average for a grandparent, and she could have cared less if her kids never had kids. it's your life; some parents don't dictate their childrens' lives and others do...

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It always amazes me when people say they receive rude comments about not having kids. I did not have mine until I was 36, and I never really heard anything negative. Maybe I did receive comments and it just flew over my head, lol.

Almost all of our friends are childless, some for life, some because the time is not right... I don't even bother asking people if they plan to have kids because I think it is a rude question.

 

More and more people are choosing to not have kids. The U.S. birth rate has greatly decreased and is continuing so. I believe it is becoming quite a common choice.

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did you mention your age? maybe this is something that will change w/time and maturity? it's really only after a certain age (perhaps 41+) that most women can really say 'no children' and it's the absolute truth. in any event, the worst possible reason to have kids is for anyone other than yourself or your spouse. you don't owe your mother or father or in-laws anything. they'll be long dead while you're still bringing up a baby. it's your decision, and it's too bad she doesn't respect that. my mother had her first (and only) grandchild at age 68 - much older than average for a grandparent, and she could have cared less if her kids never had kids. it's your life; some parents don't dictate their childrens' lives and others do...

 

If wanted children, I certainly would not wait past the age of 35 due to a higher risk of birth defects and difficulty conceiving. I would have had children already since I married in my late twenties. Some people can make proactive plans about huge decisions.

 

Your "maybe you'll change your mind when you become more mature" comment is condescending and ridiculous. I am a married woman in her early 30s who can be completely sure about not wanting children. I am not 19 or 21 and single. If I felt that there was a chance that I would change my mind, I would not have married a man who had a vasectomy before we met. Other people have made comments similar to yours but they always have nothing to say after I mention my husband's vasectomy.

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It always amazes me when people say they receive rude comments about not having kids. I did not have mine until I was 36, and I never really heard anything negative. Maybe I did receive comments and it just flew over my head, lol.

Almost all of our friends are childless, some for life, some because the time is not right... I don't even bother asking people if they plan to have kids because I think it is a rude question.

 

More and more people are choosing to not have kids. The U.S. birth rate has greatly decreased and is continuing so. I believe it is becoming quite a common choice.

 

I agree that it is a rude question because nobody can ever tell who is struggling with infertility or who has decided not to have kids.

 

It's also ignorant and presumptuous to make comments like "You'll change your mind" or "Is your husband okay with that?"

 

One of my dear mommy friends said it best: "If people with kids pressure you about your decision, take it from me that most of them are just jealous of you or they weren't brave enough to make the same choice."

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