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Is it fair to be an only child?


wed4ever

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My wife and I are thinking about having another child. We have a 1.5 year old right now. A friend recently asked when we are having another one and said that it wouldn't be fair to our daughter if she was an only child. It got me thinking.

 

Wife and I are a bit older and kinda want to get past the raising baby stage so we can go back to life as normal. Wife wants to do foster care or possibly addopt someday. She's more into the idea of that than I am though.

 

So I don't know. It's really scary making a baby. The first one is 100% healthy and happy. I'm thinking it's best to cash in the chips while I'm up. I know too many people who have children with some sort of disability. That wouldn't make me love them any less... probably more. But it would be a major life changer beyond just having kids in general.

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My son is a one-and-only child; at 32, he seems to be a perfectly *normal*, healthy, well-adjusted adult: college grad, career on-track, owns his own home, has substantial banked savings, and a retirement plan in place.

 

He was raised with 3 step-siblings (in two other households); don't know if that helped, hurt, or even mattered one iota.

 

When his father and I married, we did plan on the typical "2 or 3 kids...we'd like both a girl and a boy, so if we end up with the first 2 being the same sex, we'll try for a third."

 

I jokingly (?) tell my son that I changed my mind after giving birth to him, because I knew such perfection could never be duplicated. :love:

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I jokingly (?) tell my son that I changed my mind after giving birth to him, because I knew such perfection could never be duplicated. :love:

 

Yeah jokingly? My little girl is the most precious thing in the world. Only a parent could understand what we are talking about.

 

I'm not worried about her socially because we go to extra lengths to have her around other kids her age to interact. In a couple of years we will enroll her in some sort of day care a couple times a week or more to have her around other kids. My wife is a sahm.

 

When she is older she will go to regular school. No homeschooling or anything like that.

 

I think I'm worried that years down the road I will regret not having more kids. It's now or never. I won't do it when there is more than a couple year age gap between the two.

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Well I'm one of three, and I don't think it would have been any disadvantage at all if I had been an only child. At times, as the girl between two boys, I'd have done anything to have been one.

 

More siblings equals more complications.

Siblings give absolutely no guarantee of a healthier youth, lifestyle or development.

What counts, is how YOU treat your child, how YOU bring them up and what influence YOU have on them.

 

Tell you what - have more than one child, and if you see it's going pear-shaped, put the subsequent ones up for adoption.

 

No, ridiculous, right?

 

It's just as ridiculous to consider having other children 'just' because you think it's 'unfair' to only have one child. The thought is ludicrous.

I would ask your friend - female, no doubt - (putting all this in front of them) why exactly having an only child, to whom you can give everything and focus on uniquely, is such a 'cruel thing to do. (I always think such recommendations come from people who subconsciously think "They're not as burdened as I am, and I resent it.")

 

I'm one of three, but guess who's been left 'holding the can' when it's come to caring for an elderly parent?

That's right. Me. On my own.

 

Rather than worry about your child being an only, have good contingency plans in place to pay for your elderly care and respective funerals, so that the task of loving and supporting you in your twilight years does not bear heavily on your daughter's shoulders. That way lies resentment and a bond that may prove onerous and unwanted to her, instead of loving, considerate and heart-felt.

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...I think I'm worried that years down the road I will regret not having more kids. It's now or never. I won't do it when there is more than a couple year age gap between the two.

 

 

Ahhhhh...until *they* make 100%-guaranteed-to-be-accurate crystal balls, that's one you'll never know ahead of time.

 

When my son was 8 (and I was 31), I had an opportunity to have another child in a "it's now or never" situation; I chose not to.

 

I'd looked in to getting my tubes tied when I was about 25; at the time, they told me I was too young and they wouldn't do it. At 32, I looked into it again, and they were fine and ready to go ahead with it.

 

*Oddly*, it was I who backed out...the thought of really, really, permanently never having another child completely freaked me out...which was weird, 'cuz I really was always sure he'd be the only One.

 

 

Honestly (and it sounds awful to admit out loud and is even worse to put in writing), the thing that held me back was I knew I always wanted to be A mom, just didn't want to be a mom-several-times-over. I remember the ONE thought that kept me from permanently disabling my baby-maker was

 

 

"What if something happens to him [i.e, he dies] and I'm no longer 'A mom' in this world?!?"

 

I don't know if actually thinking that at the time, makes me an awful person...or just an awfully practical one. In any event, everything worked out, he [safely and healthfully] remained an only child, and because I didn't do it then,

 

I got to go through the joys of losing my baby-maker, naturally...hot flashes, night sweats, inexplicable weight gain, and all.

 

 

:D

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Could I also add (in light of mrldii's post) that while I completely realise you are considering being a parent to a second child, your wife is the one who would have to do the 'hard work' of bearing and giving birth to...

If it's only a possible idea in her head, and not a definite, indescribable, unstoppable yearning, then consider the impracticalities of her task ahead.

You're getting to a stage where your little girl is blossoming into a new toddler... she is changing daily, and reveals new aspects of herself which are a delight, marvel and pleasure.

 

Add a new baby into the mix, and trust me, believe me, her progress will become of 'secondary' importance.

I'm serious.

She will be just as precious, but your attention will naturally have to be divided, and understandably so.

But the older sibling gets sidelined. I've seen it happen, I've had it happen, it even happened to my 2 girls - something I bitterly regret, but could not help or change.

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Bittersweetie

I'm an only child. I never felt I missed out on anything or lacked anything from my parents because of it. My son is going to be an only child and I have no issue with that fact.

 

It's one of my pet peeves when people say that it's "unfair" or "wrong" to make a child an only. Like having siblings is the cure-all. My H has two brothers and they do get along very well. But both my parents had siblings that they barely spoke to...drama created from all the siblings. And like Tara, my dad was the one taking care of my elderly grandmother...my uncle did nothing. Until my grandmother was finally settled in a home, then he did come to visit, took her out to lunch, and of course to her he was the best son ever.

 

If two parents both want to add to their family because they want another child, then great! Go for it. But to do it just so that there current child will not be an only? I just don't see the reasoning there.

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I'm an only child and I would never have another only by choice.

 

 

As a kid I never had a built in playmate.

 

 

In my early 20s I didn't have enough money on my own to throw my parents a nice 25th wedding anniversary party. I felt so guilty about that.

 

 

As an adult when they got sick I was the only caregiver with no respite.

 

 

When they both passed away I was all alone in the world. There is not another human being on the face of this earth I am directly related to by blood. It was a horrible realization & still makes me profoundly lonely.

 

 

There were up-sides to being an only but they are outweighed by the downsides.

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I'm an only child and I would never have another only by choice.

 

 

As a kid I never had a built in playmate.

Neither did I. I did have two brothers who often would have nothing to do with me though.

 

In my early 20s I didn't have enough money on my own to throw my parents a nice 25th wedding anniversary party. I felt so guilty about that.

When my parents celebrated their 30th, we had to pool our resources, and even then the funds were insufficient. It doesn't matter how many siblings you have, there's no guarantee everyone will pitch in.

For their 50th, my eldest brother chose to not attend. So that's not really a valid argument either...

 

 

As an adult when they got sick I was the only caregiver with no respite.

Me too.

Even though I have 2 brothers. Did you see the advice I gave the OP regarding that very matter?

 

When they both passed away I was all alone in the world. There is not another human being on the face of this earth I am directly related to by blood. It was a horrible realization & still makes me profoundly lonely.
I'm sorry you feel this way, and there's nothing I can do to relieve your loneliness. However, many people feel lonely even within the heart of a family, so again, it's not really comparable...

 

 

There were up-sides to being an only but they are outweighed by the downsides.

This I totally disagree with. There is good and bad perceived on both sides.

I wasn't deliberately arguing with you to prove you wrong; I just wanted to clarify that simply because you have had the experience you've had, it doesn't necessarily get better or improve with more siblings.

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I'm an only child and I have to admit that I'm gutted that I don't have a sibling

 

I used to play with animals instead of children, I never learnt how to fight or stand up for myself, I'm never going to be a blood aunty, I've spent the last ten years caring for my mum by myself, feeling SO alone because, despite my family loving my mum, NOBODY was going through the same pain as me. It just sucks.

 

There are positives, but having a mutual being by your side must be pretty special. However, I do know that families don't always get along, but they normally pull together when times get tough.

 

Please have another. :)

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Also, as a teacher of young children, there's nothing more magical or entertaining than watching children play together! :)

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I am the youngest of two. My mom miscarried before my brother. My brother is 14 months older than I and through unfortunate events that have affected his health he is bed/wheelchair bound.

 

For all intents and purposes I am an only child.

 

Even when he was well, he was not around. When my dad died he took zero hand in making arrangements or being there for my Mom. On the contrary, the red carpet was rolled out to make "alone time" for him and dad. I was the one, at 22, picking out my father's casket because Mom wasn't strong enough.

 

Having a second child is no guarantee that she will have a life long companion to navigate the hard times. Nothing comes with that guarantee.

 

In terms of adopting, I do like that idea. I love it when a couple is able to give a child a loving home that they may not have had otherwise. Especially if they get an awesome sister in the deal.

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I disagree with all of this because:

I used to play with animals instead of children, I never learnt how to fight or stand up for myself,

That's not because you didn't have siblings, it's because your parents didn't attend to your needs. And you really don't need siblings to fight with and learn to stand up for yourself! You lament the absence of siblings, then talk about having to use self-defence modes against them? Really??

 

I'm never going to be a blood aunty,

That really doesn't make any sense... If you have friends with kids, you can be their 'aunty'. I was, and am....

 

I've spent the last ten years caring for my mum by myself, feeling SO alone because, despite my family loving my mum, NOBODY was going through the same pain as me. It just sucks.

ad already stated ad nauseam, having siblings all too often has no effect in this area.

 

There are positives, but having a mutual being by your side must be pretty special.

What, the one you wanted to learn self-defence against?

 

However, I do know that families don't always get along, but they normally pull together when times get tough.
And sadly, this is also utter bull.

Most families divide their loyalties and take sides, when the going gets tough.

 

Please have another. :)

see below....

 

...... Having a second child is no guarantee that she will have a life long companion to navigate the hard times. Nothing comes with that guarantee. .....
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Also, as a teacher of young children, there's nothing more magical or entertaining than watching children play together! :)

 

I was also actively involved with the care, well-being and supervision of young children, both in pre-school and in the primary years (4 - 11).

 

So in response to this comment, up to a certain age, yes. But then they get all possessive, entitled and selfish. Kids have to be taught the concept of sharing and caring. It actually doesn't come naturally.

and to actually support an aspect of your argument here, lone children were different, measurably, to those who had siblings: They were MORE selfish, because at home, they didn't HAVE to share anything with anyone else.

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My 25-yr-old son is an only child and I don't think it matters to him one way or another. Remember, there's no guarantee that siblings will get along or even like one another. My son has seen others with their siblings and doesn't idealize the situation. He has made some very close and lasting friends over the years and I believe that he looks at those people as his siblings. Basically, I never got the impression that he ever felt like he was missing out on anything.

 

I, on the other hand, would've liked to have another child or two but never did because I never developed a stable relationship that made me feel comfortable with it. I completely love my son and we have a very special bond. I often thought that what I have with him would be hard to duplicate.

 

What I've noticed with only children who aren't raised to be spoiled and entitled is that they tend to reach out to others and tend to develop lasting friendships with others, and they tend to be very social. If you guys don't really want to go through the baby thing again, I wouldn't do it. Don't worry about what other people say. They couldn't possibly know how your daughter will feel about it.

Edited by bathtub-row
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I think it may be nicer for the kid to have more siblings or at least one.

Many only child feels lonely,no one to relate to other then their parents.

 

I like your responsible thinking as a men.

Having kids is something serious. So dont do it based on what others say.

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I don't think it unfair, better or not, its just life. If you have a good parent/s who love you, that's all any kid can ask for!

 

After that its a personal choice. I definitely want my son to have siblings, if I'm blessed with the opportunity to have more children.

I have two younger half brothers, as kids I hardly ever saw them, I lived with my dad, they lived with their mum & stepdad. You could never say we were close, they weren't my playmates, my best friends, or my partners in crime. I never thought anything of having brothers, I had friends I was close to.

 

However as an adult, I cant imagine my life without them! I share a small house wit them, they help me raise my son, they are now absolutely my best friends (and playmates, and partners in crime too :p)

I left home at 16 and went travelling, I had barely spoken to them in the four and a half years or so I was abroad. They'd never even met my son. I was nearing the end of my visa in Africa, but I only came back home cause I was messaged on facebook to say that my littlest brother was in hospital. And when I did go home, my older little brother was surprised I had! That's how not close we were!!

Once I came home I realised they were actually good guys, and we had common ground! Its weird because the 'family' that I thought I didn't have (and if i'm honest I wanted), had been there all the time. I just didn't see it.

 

I want my son to have siblings because I wouldn't want to deny him the chance of the relationship I have now with my siblings, whether he is childhood friends with them or whether it takes him by surprise sometime later in life.

I believe now that there is a bond there, between siblings, which means a great relationship is always a possibility.

I also think its important as you get older to have that person there who can remind you about that really embarrassing thing you did as a kid!

 

Someone can be perfectly happy as an only child, there wont been a gaping void, but maybe that's because you don't know what you're missing if you've never had it!! I'd miss my brothers like CRAZY if I didn't have them now!

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GunslingerRoland

Nothing wrong at all with having an only child. The one thing I'd say though, is it works better if you have a social network of other friends with kids. So that if you go travelling you can go with another family so your kid isn't lonely, and can set up play dates easily.

 

 

One thing though, there is some irony that you are scared to have a disabled child yet want to foster/adopt children. Most (basically all) children in the foster/state adoption system have a special need of some type.

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I disagree with all of this because:

 

That's not because you didn't have siblings, it's because your parents didn't attend to your needs. And you really don't need siblings to fight with and learn to stand up for yourself! You lament the absence of siblings, then talk about having to use self-defence modes against them? Really??

 

 

That really doesn't make any sense... If you have friends with kids, you can be their 'aunty'. I was, and am....

 

 

ad already stated ad nauseam, having siblings all too often has no effect in this area.

 

 

What, the one you wanted to learn self-defence against?

 

And sadly, this is also utter bull.

Most families divide their loyalties and take sides, when the going gets tough.

 

 

see below....

Wow, you really are a negative soul! Jesus! I wouldn't like to be around you near Christmas!

Firstly, saying that I played with animals was because my parents didn't attend to my needs is utter bull! My parents were AWESOME! My dad always took me to museums, play dates, the park. He always played with me when he had the chance, even down to making animations with my toys or teaching me how to draw. My mum always tended to my needs and played when she could, too. I'm not sure if you actually have children, but I'm 100% sure that NO parent has their child attached to their hip from birth to adulthood. It's called life.

 

See, it's funny how a lot of my friends have said throughout the years that I lack certain skills because I've never had sibling rivalry. Once again, it's life! Go and study some human psychology before your throw negative points around. We learn from experience.

 

I'm not even going to entertain the rest of your comments. The OP wanted an opinion from an only child. I'm an only child, therefore I commented MY views and experiences, not yours.

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Wow, you really are a negative soul! Jesus! I wouldn't like to be around you near Christmas!

Firstly, saying that I played with animals was because my parents didn't attend to my needs is utter bull! My parents were AWESOME! My dad always took me to museums, play dates, the park. He always played with me when he had the chance, even down to making animations with my toys or teaching me how to draw. My mum always tended to my needs and played when she could, too. I'm not sure if you actually have children, but I'm 100% sure that NO parent has their child attached to their hip from birth to adulthood. It's called life.

 

See, it's funny how a lot of my friends have said throughout the years that I lack certain skills because I've never had sibling rivalry. Once again, it's life! Go and study some human psychology before your throw negative points around. We learn from experience.

 

I'm not even going to entertain the rest of your comments. The OP wanted an opinion from an only child. I'm an only child, therefore I commented MY views and experiences, not yours.

 

Glad you spoke up, I thought the way this poster dismissed others opinions and experiences was pretty rude.

I'm an only child too and you really have no idea what it's like unless you've been there.

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Wow, you really are a negative soul! Jesus! I wouldn't like to be around you near Christmas!

Firstly, saying that I played with animals was because my parents didn't attend to my needs is utter bull! My parents were AWESOME! My dad always took me to museums, play dates, the park. He always played with me when he had the chance, even down to making animations with my toys or teaching me how to draw. My mum always tended to my needs and played when she could, too. I'm not sure if you actually have children, but I'm 100% sure that NO parent has their child attached to their hip from birth to adulthood. It's called life.

 

See, it's funny how a lot of my friends have said throughout the years that I lack certain skills because I've never had sibling rivalry. Once again, it's life! Go and study some human psychology before your throw negative points around. We learn from experience.

 

I'm not even going to entertain the rest of your comments. The OP wanted an opinion from an only child. I'm an only child, therefore I commented MY views and experiences, not yours.

 

You're right. Jesus wouldn't like to be around me near Christmas....

 

That's ok, we can agree to disagree.

I'll take my ball and go play with someone else, and leave you all alone with your angry thoughts....

Merry Christmas!!

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As a kid I never had a built in playmate.

 

No guarantees you wouldn't have had a built in bully rather than playmate.

 

In my early 20s I didn't have enough money on my own to throw my parents a nice 25th wedding anniversary party. I felt so guilty about that.

 

No guarantees a sibling would be able or want to help with that.

 

As an adult when they got sick I was the only caregiver with no respite.

 

I have a sibling and that's my situation. In fact, I will next be caregiver to my sibling.

 

There were up-sides to being an only but they are outweighed by the downsides.

 

No guarantees about that.

 

I'm an only child and I have to admit that I'm gutted that I don't have a sibling

 

You might be just as gutted if you did have a sibling. How about if they were abusive, a drunk, stole from your parents, whatever?

 

See, it's funny how a lot of my friends have said throughout the years that I lack certain skills because I've never had sibling rivalry.

 

Like sibling rivalry is a good thing? You can find plenty of cattiness and competitiveness among your acquaintances, coworkers, classmates I'm sure.

 

There's a lot of idealizing of siblings on this thread. I've even seen that kind of idealization from parents who have siblings with whom they have terrible relationships - they imagine that THEIR family will be the Brady Bunch. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, no guarantees. I've seen sour relationships as often as I've seen good ones.

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Ok...this being such a mish mosh of positive and negative posts...I'll share my thoughts and experience

 

I'm from a family of 4 children...2 brothers and 1 fabulous sister...there isn't one day that I'm not thankful for having my siblings in my life...we've had some wonderful times, some sibling rivalry times, and some times where we've been at odds with each other...but when it comes down to it, we're glad we are there for each other ...no matter what happens...often times an inspiration to each other.

 

I have 2 young children...boys...they are a handful at times/very energetic...but they are so happy to have each other. To see them sitting so close to each other sharing and giggling together makes me so happy I could almost cry...it's a relationship one can't understand unless you've seen siblings interact who truly love each other...allowing for some sibling conflict along the way.

 

OP ... you're at a transition state with adding another child to your family...I say go for it... with all you've got...and foster that connection between the children.

 

One of my kids has an "only child" friend...he loves to have my kids over because he feels like his has siblings...they are that close. A child who's never had siblings doesn't know what they are missing...I know some do not agree but I'd really miss my siblings had I not had any. Having a child later in life ... you can do amneo to verify genetic defects with the pregnancy. Adoption is risky as well as you don't know if the biologic parent was a drug addict etc...completely changing the family dynamic.

Edited by StBreton
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I love both my brothers, but I definitely like one more than the other....

Odd how personalities can change... as youngsters I would have put them in the opposite camps.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I'm an only and I never minded as a kid. Only as I have grown older do I miss the siblings I never had. This is especially true now that my parents have passed. I have a persistent feeling of being an orphan in the world.

 

I have 3 children. They are independent but close. I love watching them interact with each other. Sure, there are times they squabble, but there is also a bond. The bond is far stronger than the squabbling. Yes, when you have another child, your attention is divided. But, in my experience, your love doubles.

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