Only child syndrome

[Iceshowers]

So my child, who is MY only child, has a really hard time sharing and playing with others.

 

Quick overview: He has 4 OLDER half siblings from dad's side, but he doesn't see them often, plus they are reallly much older than him (between 6-16yrs apart). He isn't in daycare. Adults watch him (family) and play with him. When he does play with kids, it's usually his age or a bit older (or much older like his half siblings). He shares with me just fine (I'm not with dad's side so I don't know how he is with them).

 

The issue I'm running into is that he doesn't like his younger cousin. His cousin is 16 months old and my 4 year old son runs away from him and constantly tells me he doesn't want his cousin near him or to be with him. It bothers my sister alot, but I explain to her it will take some time to get used to since this isn't what he has grown up with so far. I broke up with dad this year and have bought my own house and my sister is moving in with us, but I don't want too much fighting between us because my son isn't used to little kids or sharing.

 

I talk to my son often when he acts that way and tell him to stop being like that and explain that the baby just wants to play and share his toys with him. I punish him by taking away a toy or not taking him to an outside activity until he learns to be nicer to others and the baby. I carry my nephew often and bring him around my son so he sees that he shouldn't be scared of him and say things like he doesn't want him around. I talk to my son about his cousin even when the baby isn't around. My son is also very possessive with his toys, since he never had to share before.

 

Can anyone give me tips on how to help my son share and show/teach him how to want to play with his baby cousin?

 

He is also going to be starting daycare soon, so it'll be a total change for him and I'm afraid of a bad reaction from him.

[bathtub-row]

Personally, I think his behavior is odd. My son is an only child and he never acted this way. As a matter of fact, he loved babies when he was young. He still does. I think you may be looking at this the wrong way. Instead of this being an issue about him being an only child, it's possible that your son just has selfish tendencies that you need to continually correct. He cannot function in the real world being this way so you must be persistent.

 

I guess what may work is that instead of sending him to his room, sit with him and the other child he's playing with for awhile and instruct him. It may be good to let him select one toy that's off-limits to anyone else and maybe that'll help him feel more in control.

 

The daycare will probably help him a lot since he'll be around a lot more kids.

[truthtripper]

The daycare will probably help him a lot since he'll be around a lot more kids.

When your son sees other kids sharing toys and happily engaging with each other, he will learn. No need to worry.

[truthtripper]

I don't think your son's behaviour is odd. I am an only child too. Him being alone with his toys for four years is all he's known. So naturally when another child enters his territory and begins playing with his toys, he's not happy. This situation is unfamiliar to him.

 

Be patient and avoid forcing him to share if he doesn't want to. This will only traumatise him and cause him to feel inferior or unwanted. He will slowly begin to learn if you are understanding and gentle. See things his way. As I mentioned before, day care should solve this problem.

[basil67]

I think punishing him for expressing his feelings is very unwise. Let's face it, he's just a 4yo who doesn't yet have a filter. Teach him how to deal with his feelings instead of punishing him for expressing them.

 

Rather than punishment, have you considered reward? Catch him at a time when he's OK being in the same room with the baby and acknowledge how great he's doing. Catch him being Ok with the baby holding one of his toys and tell him how grown up he's behaving.

 

I also wonder if you carrying around the baby will exacerbate any concerns your son has. With the divorce and moving in with your sister, he has been through a lot of recent turmoil. I think he really needs to know that he's still your no. 1. And heaps of 4yos don't yet know how to share.

 

If you're still unsure, get the opinion of a child psychologist.

Edited November 30, 2015 by basil67

[Blade96]

Please don't punish him. I have read about adults who had issues their whole life even letting SO's use their stuff cause sharing was forced on them as kids.

 

That said, maybe he's just not a baby person. I never was either. Still not. Some people aren't kid people the same way some aren't cat or dog people.

 

don't worry about it, unless he actually abuses the baby (which I never did, even today I just prefer to stay away from babies and toddlers but I never abused children)

[xxoo]

Trouble sharing is totally normal at this age. If he hasn't had opportunities to share in the past, I'm not surprised he resents the baby getting into his things.

 

Support him by explaining that some toys are for sharing and some are not. Encourage him to select some toys that are not for sharing, and give him a space to play with those toys. These are usually items that are of personal attachment (fav stuffed animals or figures) or something the baby will destroy (building blocks, etc). But allow him to choose whatever he wants at this point. Stop him after a few things

 

Then encourage him to choose some toys that are for sharing. Ask him what the baby might enjoy playing with, and what they could play with together. Possibly introduce some new toys specifically for sharing.

 

When a toy becomes a problem in the moment, give the toy a "time out" (we always used to put it on top of the refrigerator), and then keep on trucking.

[bathtub-row]

Let me clarify what I think is odd: his reaction to the baby. Most children don't take such a strong disliking to another child, especially a baby. Yes, it's very common for children to be selfish but I don't think this is related to a child being the only child. I've seen it in lots of children. He seems to have a strong response to the baby, which is something I have personally never seen in a child.

 

I will also say this. Him being only 4 doesn't mean anything in my opinion. Most phychologists agree that a child's personality and behavior is set by age 3. Given that information, you are right to take this as a serious problem that needs to be corrected. Even if he has selfish tendencies throughout life, he needs to know how to manage that. I would use punishment as a last resort, but I would use it if nothing else gets through to him.

[truthtripper]

Let me clarify what I think is odd: his reaction to the baby. Most children don't take such a strong disliking to another child, especially a baby. Yes, it's very common for children to be selfish but I don't think this is related to a child being the only child. I've seen it in lots of children. He seems to have a strong response to the baby, which is something I have personally never seen in a child.

 

I will also say this. Him being only 4 doesn't mean anything in my opinion. Most phychologists agree that a child's personality and behavior is set by age 3. Given that information, you are right to take this as a serious problem that needs to be corrected. Even if he has selfish tendencies throughout life, he needs to know how to manage that. I would use punishment as a last resort, but I would use it if nothing else gets through to him.

Four year olds cannot self-discipline themselves so punishment is not an option. The only way they can learn is through gentle explanation combined with play

and imitation.

[Iceshowers]

Thank you all for the input. I will talk to him more and not punish him for this. I will try to reward him for the good things he does.

 

bathtub-row: He really isn't selfish, because he shares with me just fine (without me asking, he offers me toys, food, etc.) and he shares fine with adults he plays with. He just has trouble with younger kids, and/or kids he can't communicate with (like babies). He understands when adults or older kids communicate with him and he's able to talk to them and they understand, or they talk to him and he understands.

 

He didn't always have this reaction towards babies. He actually ADORED babies when he was younger. He's just getting like this for the past year since the baby cousin was introduced into his life. Again, he has no younger kids he plays with, so HE isn't the baby anymore.

 

Also, he's somewhat shy and reserved with people he's not comfortable with. So when the baby is around, he withdraws and just plays on his own in a room. From watching him, I think the fact that he never had to share his toys with a child that didn't understand his demands, and that the baby pretty much does what he wants (obviously because he's a baby, but my child doesn't understand that's why his cousin does these things), is what he can't come to terms with.

 

It just worries me because it really frustrates him when he can't come to a self conclusion about what to do with his younger cousin. He does not understand that a baby still is learning and can't comprehend what he does or says (in a way). One day, he was going to the bathroom, and the baby followed him, so he ran and closed the door behind him (didn't hurt the baby, the baby is slower at walking than he is), and was mad and voicing his opinion. I went to him and found him saying "I'm so mad!" and I asked him why. He says it's because he didn't want the baby following him.

 

Though just about two months ago, he was playing with the baby and enjoying it. But we were spending alot more time with my sister/nephew than we are now (until they move in), and I think also the big gap in seeing each other, could have held the progress back.

[Keats]

As an adult there are plenty of people I dislike and totally refuse to talk to beyond anything but a cold polite - hello, whilst I'm sat next to them.

 

The only difference between your child and me is that I'm 31 and have emotional and social control and your child is 4 and has a tantrum.

 

And tantrums are normal.

 

I would advise that you change your perspective and instead respect and embrace your child's feelings and preferences. Don't control him or punish him for normal behaviour.

 

You have to handle the disapproving ways of adults.

 

You love and understand your kid. Other adults don't. Therefore they will judge you and it will influence you to reprimand your child unnecessarily because your child is deemed a - nuisance or naughty.

 

Don't focus on other adults and even other kids. Focus on your kid.

[bathtub-row]

It doesn't seem to me then that he has issues with sharing. I think his dislike is toward the baby. I guess just sit back and see what transpires. Regardless of his reasons, you can respect them while teaching him acceptable behavior. Coddling behavior that a parent perceives as problematic is the reason why there are so many entitled brats in this world. I personally don't think not wanting the baby to follow him is abnormal, however, the best rule of thumb is that if his actions disturb you, then you should guide him so that he understands acceptable social behavior.

[xxoo]

 

Also, he's somewhat shy and reserved with people he's not comfortable with. So when the baby is around, he withdraws and just plays on his own in a room. From watching him, I think the fact that he never had to share his toys with a child that didn't understand his demands, and that the baby pretty much does what he wants (obviously because he's a baby, but my child doesn't understand that's why his cousin does these things), is what he can't come to terms with.

 

It just worries me because it really frustrates him when he can't come to a self conclusion about what to do with his younger cousin. He does not understand that a baby still is learning and can't comprehend what he does or says (in a way). One day, he was going to the bathroom, and the baby followed him, so he ran and closed the door behind him (didn't hurt the baby, the baby is slower at walking than he is), and was mad and voicing his opinion. I went to him and found him saying "I'm so mad!" and I asked him why. He says it's because he didn't want the baby following him.

 

It's great that he could verbalize how mad he was!

 

Supervision is paramount, along with gentle guidance and reassurance.

 

I've heard so many stories, as an adult, of older siblings who HATED the baby (and I think that may be the dynamic here, even though it is a cousin). I recently heard a story on This American Life, told by an adult woman, about her regret regarding how she treated her younger sister. She remembers thinking when the baby was born how much she hated the baby....and she remembers being just as sure that the baby hates her, too. That's a funny thought now, but at the time, she really believed it. She grew up to be a normal, loving, empathetic person.

 

I really think it's the age as much as anything. 4 was hard with both of my kids. Very emotional age, on the cusp between baby and child. But please do talk to your pediatrician about it if you are concerned about it being a developmental issue.

 

One thing I told my little ones was, "You don't have to like everyone, but you must be kind." Focus on kindness. Praise kindness toward others, and tell your child that he is kind. Tell him that he is good at sharing. I fully believe in this little strategy: if we tell our kids that they are [helpful, adventurous eaters, kind, generous, hardworking, etc], they believe it and live up to it.

[turnera]

As for what to do, I suggest that the four of you - both kids and both moms - sit down in a circle and play together. Let him see in action that the sky isn't going to fall if he spends time with the toddler. Continue this every week or so so he starts to become familiar with it.

 

Aside from that, I'd investigate into whether the toddler did something to scare your son, intentionally or not. It's a far bet something happened and he's just not old enough to verbalize what happened. You could maybe sit him down with crayons and paper and color together, and bring up the subject of when he first met the toddler, and both of you draw out how you remember the event going; he just may draw out something you don't know about.

[GunslingerRoland]

Most 4 year olds don't want much to do with a barely toddler. A 4 year old is pretty protective of their environment typically and toddlers are pure destructive to that.

 

 

You can always try to arrange more dates with children his own age though, but I wouldn't worry much about the toddler thing. They'll be at ages where playing together is easier soon enough.

[Iceshowers]

I asked him to help his cousin take something to the bathroom a few mins ago. He said he's afraid of babies. I asked him why and he said "they speak weird to me". So language barrier is a big reason I think.

[turnera]

That's exactly why I suggested spending time with the two adults and the two kids - so he'll spend more time with the toddler, but in a 'safe' environment. The longer he's around the toddler, the more normal the toddler will seem to him, and the more he'll see there's nothing to be concerned about.

[truthtripper]

I asked him to help his cousin take something to the bathroom a few mins ago. He said he's afraid of babies. I asked him why and he said "they speak weird to me". So language barrier is a big reason I think.

Perhaps you can explain to him that all of us were once babies, including himself(show him photos of himself as a baby) and that as we grow, we slowly and gradually learn how to talk. This should help him to understand and accept the baby.

[Iceshowers]

Thank you for all the tips! It made me at ease and not worry so much why my baby acts like he does, and also gave me ways to go about the situation without punishment or getting upset (not at my baby directly, just at the situation).

 

Wanted to do an update on this weekend. Friday night as I was packing my bags to spend it at mom's house, my son said he didn't want to stay overnight there. I didn't confirm his request, nor denied it, but just explained we have to see our grandma (my mom) and say hi.

 

Well, Saturday evening while my sister was taking a bath, I had both boys with me, and my son played with his baby cousin just fine! I was with them both and encouraged my son to play with him. Since I know my son loves to be chased, I told him to play that with his cousin; and of course the baby will follow him anywhere. So they both had a blast.

 

Sunday, the same; they played chase and I even asked him to let the baby borrow one of his cars. AT first he said no, so I tried the "well, which car is it ok for a baby to play with?" And he looked for one that was bigger than his regular hotwheels and gave it to the baby to play. He grew confident and gave him 2 more without me asking.

 

I'm glad it's not a personality thing, but more a shyness and language thing he has to overcome.

[xxoo]

I love the update!

 

Kids live up to expectations. Keep a positive atmosphere, remember that he's young and learning and regression is a normal part of development, and just continue to model the behavior you want. He's going to be fine