What in the heck do you do for childcare when not millionare?

[jakrbbt]

Parents, what do you do these days for childcare so you can work? Can everyone just be using grandparents?

 

I am a lawyer. I make a decent but not high income. I have one child, who is two years old (and not potty trained yet). My parents are too old to be even part-time caregivers on any regular basis.

 

Two days of day care for my son costs $650 per month. Added to my $100k+ student debt, and other bills, that's stretching my budget, but I've been doing it so far.

 

Full-time, 5 days would be $1200. My ex theoretically should split the cost, but he is basically unemployed. And if he's even going to work, he's in a bind, because he probably can't come anywhere near to affording the child care to cover his work days.

 

What do most people do? Say you work at 8, and your child starts school at 8:30. How do you get them to/from school? Does everyone just have a stay-at-home spouse again? Ideas (besides getting a stay-at-home spouse) welcome.

[WaitingForBardot]

We used au pairs for the first four years. It wasn't free, but it was significantly cheaper than any of the alternatives. It was a bit of a crapshoot though: two of the girls were great with the kids (although one of them really clashed with my wife), one was so-so, and the last one was a disaster. We ended up just paying her off and sending her home before her contract was up. And of course you need a room in your home for them.

 

Even considering the issues with the one girl, we would have done it again if we'd had more kids.

[jakrbbt]

I can't imagine an au pair being significantly less than $1200/month.

 

My ex-husband and I share theoretically 50/50 (though he'd probably be ok with contributing to an approved au pair and just having her live in, and watch son in, my house).

 

It's really less expensive than day care? May I ask whether you have some starting-point you recommend-- where to research au pair options?

[WaitingForBardot]

We used an agency that specialized in bringing au pairs to the US. We paid them somewhere around $2000-2500 for each year's placement and we paid the girls a stipend of ~$50-75 week, plus room and board. These numbers are for >20 years ago so no doubt they are low, but at the time our total out-of-pocket expenses were about half of what we'd have had to pay for daycare locally.

 

Do a search for au pair, au pair placement, au pair agency, or the like, and you should come up with something.

[xxoo]

In the US, childcare for lower income families is subsidized. If the combo of your student loan and childcare is too much for your to afford on your income, check with your student loan people or the daycare people for information on possibly getting one or the other reduced.

 

The schools in my area have before and after school programs, for a fee, so that working parents can drop their kids off and pick them up outside of school hours.

 

If your ex is out of work, why isn't he caring for your child?

[TaraMaiden2]

I may well get blasted for this. Someone's not going to like my reply, but:

 

You think before you conceive.

You calculate and investigate costs and decide: Do I work, or do I raise a child and cut my hours?

 

I'm awfully sorry to say it, but I have zero sympathy.

Why have a child if you can't afford it?

 

Here's the crappy deal you've made yourself:

 

You can't afford to stop working because you have the natural overheads anyone has - living expenses which need to be paid for.

(Very few of us can budget AND incorporate easy-access savings. We tend for the most part to live to the limit of our means. Which means we don't have a strategy which allows for unforeseen circumstances which will pull on our resources....)

 

You can't afford to keep working because basically, you're now just working to pay someone else to raise, care for and look after your child's needs and you actually gain very little benefit or satisfaction from your job, because essentially, you're working for no pay. And you miss your child growing up.

 

The above question is a good one:

Why can't your ex raise his son, if he's not working?

 

Really, I honestly wish more folks would think this through.

Raising a child to adult age, costs in excess of a quarter-of-a-million.

It's up to you to find that money.

 

I stayed home.It was a conscious decision made all the much easier because my H. earnt a sufficiently high salary for us to be able to afford that.

 

I'm sorry for your child that you find yourself in such a predicament. Because he will either be raised by a stranger (or several, until you find the ideal) or by you, with a significant reduction in the advantages money can provide.

[veggirl]

I'll be staying home with a future child. We already have a plan, pay off all debt now, so that we can live off of his salary. Folks I've known who have to have both partners work have always had family / grandparents watch. I've also known people who were able to alter their work schedules, for ex my friend works in a hospital and now works Sat/Sun and 3 days during the week so they only need 3 days of childcare (provided by her mother).

[Els]

I may well get blasted for this. Someone's not going to like my reply, but:

 

You think before you conceive.

You calculate and investigate costs and decide: Do I work, or do I raise a child and cut my hours?

 

I'm awfully sorry to say it, but I have zero sympathy.

Why have a child if you can't afford it?

 

Here's the crappy deal you've made yourself:

 

You can't afford to stop working because you have the natural overheads anyone has - living expenses which need to be paid for.

(Very few of us can budget AND incorporate easy-access savings. We tend for the most part to live to the limit of our means. Which means we don't have a strategy which allows for unforeseen circumstances which will pull on our resources....)

 

You can't afford to keep working because basically, you're now just working to pay someone else to raise, care for and look after your child's needs and you actually gain very little benefit or satisfaction from your job, because essentially, you're working for no pay. And you miss your child growing up.

 

The above question is a good one:

Why can't your ex raise his son, if he's not working?

 

Really, I honestly wish more folks would think this through.

Raising a child to adult age, costs in excess of a quarter-of-a-million.

It's up to you to find that money.

 

I stayed home.It was a conscious decision made all the much easier because my H. earnt a sufficiently high salary for us to be able to afford that.

 

I'm sorry for your child that you find yourself in such a predicament. Because he will either be raised by a stranger (or several, until you find the ideal) or by you, with a significant reduction in the advantages money can provide.

 

Are you freaking kidding me? The OP isn't exactly feeding her child ramen because she can't afford decent food and having the 16-yo pot-smoking neighbour kid babysit him. Based on her post, she's getting decent daycare for him and earning enough to support him even if she has to make personal sacrifices. The fact that she's asking for advice doesn't automatically make her a terrible parent or mean that her child is in dire straits. Lots of people were raised by parents who weren't rich and didn't have everything 100.00% figured out, and turned out just fine.

 

OP, a lot of people I know do rely on relatives (grandparents are often happy to help or even insistent on doing so), but the few I know who don't, hire an au pair. The idea is that you are providing them with room and board, so that gets deducted off the actual money you pay them. It isn't perfect, but I've heard that it does have some advantages over traditional daycare, for instance it's a more familiar environment for your child as he will be taken care of at home. You need to go through proper agencies with reputable references though, don't go for the cheapest one you can find.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Elswyth

[BlueIris]

I had au pairs and nannies too. Au pairs were on one year contracts so the advantage to having a nanny is that you can keep her for a long time.

[TaraMaiden2]

Are you freaking kidding me? The OP isn't exactly feeding her child ramen because she can't afford decent food and having the 16-yo pot-smoking neighbour kid babysit him. Based on her post, she's getting decent daycare for him and earning enough to support him even if she has to make personal sacrifices. The fact that she's asking for advice doesn't automatically make her a terrible parent or mean that her child is in dire straits. Lots of people were raised by parents who weren't rich and didn't have everything 100.00% figured out, and turned out just fine.

.....

No, I'm not 'freaking kidding' you.

 

The OP is doing ok, but not really great. Her income is not high. Her budget is stretched, but she's "doing it so far".

However, she realises this is far from ideal, and further, knows that greater expenditure is going to be required.

Stretching her to her limit, or over-reaching her budget.

Otherwise, what would be the point in posting?

 

From the timbre of her post, it sounds as if she is seeking to return to a 5-day working week.

She's asking how on earth she can actually afford to do so, given (I presume) that any raise would not be commensurate with her outgoings.

 

Salaries are still not keeping level with the rate of inflation/actual coat of living.

I'm sure even those who had no such issues, have seen their salaries apparently dwindle in the face of rising costs.

Budgeting is nothing new to anyone, in this day & age.

 

I gave my opinion, having 'been there, and done that'.

And I think I'm entitled as much as anyone else is, to respond in a way I deem honest....

[carhill]

OP, difficult question. Of course there are plenty of folks out there who aren't millionaires dealing with it. The last company party I went to was a sea of babies and all the parents I knew there were both working so they're dealing with it somehow. One single mother with a cooperative ex who has three children couldn't come to the party because, well, it was too expensive to travel there with the kids and one of her teenagers needed braces and those were, in her words, like buying a car, so priorities had to be set.

 

What to do?

 

Ex. Is he a co-parent and legally responsible? Does he pay child support? Yeah, I get that he's basically unemployed. However, he's employable. That generates support for the child, like meeting day care costs. He could also, while unemployed, care for the child personally, presuming he's not inappropriately distant to your location. Part time or contract work can, even if not steady, help out.

 

The same potential can apply to yourself. Beside the usual budgetary fine-tuning, look for contract work that could match up with your current and anticipated needs, like when you go back to a five day regular employment work week.

 

What do other people at your company or law firm do? Friends do? Network. Sometimes other folks have stumbled across or worked out ideas which hadn't occurred to you. They may know people who can help. On that note, companies vary widely in how they approach their employees in the child care area. Since you're apparently young and mobile, cast around for other opportunities which better align with your current situation having a two year old son.

 

What suggestions do your parents have? They may be old, sure, and in your opinion not up to caring for a two-year old, but they have a lifetime of experience and wisdom. They can offer solutions which can make sense or bookend on others suggestions and help you form a plan of action. The best part is they probably know you better than anyone and I presume love you as well.

 

Personally, I was never blessed with the gift of children but I did set things up to allow for that possibility, both as a single man and while married. Basically, I drew from some advice from my father and watching how a cousin raised his two kids.

 

From dad came the economics; he was an accountant and, yup, funded an entire household on his income. When times got tight, he spent many a night in his office doing people's taxes on the side and selling investments for commission in addition to his regular job. I always thought him taking me to the bowling alley for a burger was fun but he was actually networking to sell investment products.

 

From my male cousin came the practical stuff. He was married but his wife was, like yourself, a professional and working in an office all day and he didn't want his kids in day care so he took them on jobs with him. Back then, 'jobs' were a little two man company who did landscape installation and maintenance for what would become known later as Silicon Valley. When they'd put up a big building for the computer folks, he'd hire guys to install the landscape and his kids would be with him in his truck or strapped to him physically (when they were infants) while he wandered the job site. This was long before men were widely acknowledged as active daily caregivers and parents of children. Back then, SAHM's were common.

 

You'll make it. Billions do and an infinitesimal amount of them are millionaires. They're folks like you and me making our way through life, just like your son will. Good luck!

[nittygritty]

I hired a college student that I knew that went to night school as a nanny when my kids were little. She didn't live with us though.

[pteromom]

A lot of parents around here do in-home daycare, or have a daytime nanny who comes to their home. If you have a community Facebook group, you should be able to ask for referrals in your area.

[stillafool]

I really don't get this idea of having the grandparents watch your kids for you. Haven't they already raised their own kids? Perhaps they want a life of their own in their older years. I'm sure they love their grand kids but I think alot of new parents take advantage of their parents when it comes to their kids. I hear my friends complaining about this all the time. I really think if you have to factor in grandparents being your childcare you should definitely not have kids because you can't afford them.

[Bittersweetie]

I have a friend who had twins on her own, and she used an au pair. It worked out well for her. I'm not sure of the costs but I do know that the au pairs have a 45-hour limit on their work week, which sometimes was challenging for her (when she added up commute time to working time, it was more than 45). She ended up working from home one day a week to cover.

 

Daycare is super expensive where I live. Other options around here other than daycare centers are in-home places. Also, many people do "nanny-shares," where one nanny watches two children of similar age in the same neighborhood. They switch houses periodically and stuff. If you go that route though, I think a lot of rules need to be in writing so no one takes advantage.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I really don't get this idea of having the grandparents watch your kids for you. Haven't they already raised their own kids? Perhaps they want a life of their own in their older years. I'm sure they love their grand kids but I think alot of new parents take advantage of their parents when it comes to their kids. I hear my friends complaining about this all the time. I really think if you have to factor in grandparents being your childcare you should definitely not have kids because you can't afford them.

 

I have to say I agree. I know for a lot of grandparents, they actively WANT to take care of the kids. But I still think that to rely on them, i.e. not as a nice additional occasional perk but a constant expectation, shows that you're not in the right place yet for a kid. I get the love thing, I have nephews and if I weren't working full time and they needed taking care of it would make my week to be able to spend time taking care of them, even though they're hard work. But if my sibling had kids with the assumption that I would provide free childcare to enable them to keep working... well, I'd have a problem with that. And I don't see why it would be any different for the parent/child relationship. Worse if anything as parents are usually older and enjoying their retirement or winding down by the time their kids have kids.

 

I don't have kids yet, I do want them, but I wouldn't plan to have one without being confident I could sort the childcare out myself, I would start off from an assumption of having zero support from parents and take it from there.

 

However, I understand it a little more when parents have planned for taking care of their own kids, but due to an unexpected change in circumstance find themselves relying on them if they're willing. For example I'm sure when OP had a kid she didn't expect to he separated from the kid's Father and from the sounds of it, raising the child mostly alone.

[Minnie09]

Daycare is incredibly expensive in the US, compared to let's say most European countries. Nannies (or au pairs) make sense if you have more than one child. With only one child, the nanny solution (live-in or live-out) is equally (or more) pricey than daycares. Anyhow, there will be cheaper options if you look around, but those options will be in-home private daycares, at somebody's house. Some of them are certified and will still be a little bit cheaper than daycares. But you won't find anything for less than $25 a day per child. It's a bummer that your ex is not pulling his weight here, but look at it that way: only 3-4 more years, and then you can send your child off to school. For free. And by then, your income will have increased also, so it's just a few more years......but yes I understand the predicament, and that's why I've never understood why here in America people have so many kids, compared to other western industrialized countries, given their high childcare expenses.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I feel your pain OP. Child care is very expensive in Canada as well.

 

I stayed home for the first 2-3 years and then needed to get back to work if only part time for my own sanity and that of my children's. It was very challenging both financially and physically even with a full-time partner to help. I can't imagine doing that again on my own.

 

Apart from some of the suggestions mentioned about an au pair and home day care, the only thing I can say is that sometimes having children requires one to make changes in their work schedules. I know it's not feasible for everyone of course but I have many girlfriends who've put in requests to shift their hours to accommodate that of your their children's daycare. Sometimes you just don't know what's possible until you ask

 

That's what I did as well. On the days I just couldn't get out in time for whatever reason, that's when I enlisted the help of my parents and/or my in-laws. Asking them to help out in those moments where I was really stuck and for only short periods from time to time made all the difference.

 

Good luck.

[TaraMaiden2]

Registered childminder: (25 hours for a child under 2)

UK average: £104 per week

London average: £146 per week

 

Day nursery: (25 hours for a child under 2)

UK Average: £115 per week

London average: £152 per week

 

Part-time nanny: (25 hours)

UK average: £200-£275 per week including tax and NI contributions

 

Au pair: ‘Pocket money’ of around £70-£85 per week plus room and board.

(Au pairs are generally foreign students studying English in the UK, and subsidising their living expenses by working.)

 

There are further costs for different services, as you scroll down the page. Taking currency conversions into account, how do these prices compare with those in the USA/Canada....?

 

From here.

[loveweary11]

Thinking back to my own childhood/single mom struggling, what about one neighbor that watches everyone's kids for a profit? An illegal daycare, i guess they would call it now.

 

 

We called it neighbors helping neighbors.

 

I went to one and look how I turned out. Oh wait..!!!

 

Seriously though, perhaps there is someone in the neighborhood who can help everyone outby making a small living taking care of the kids?

[juicygirl]

Look at your budget and get rid of anything you don't really need. Examples daily trips to starbucks,netflix or over priced cell phone plans. Get a side hustle. Work from home doing freelancing, ebay shop,cake business,phone sex(lol)or whatever it is you're good at etc extra cash is always good. I would ask the ex to help out if he is at home all day.

 

I had two young children and childcare would have been £1300 each. It didn't help that I had a night job at the time which I had to quit due to childcare issues. If you are determine you can and will find a way. Now I work from home. When the child turns 5 it's so much easy because they're off to school.

In a perfect world everyone would get married at 25(be together forever), have great jobs with £100k plus income and a huge white house with a swing in the garden.

 

I feel your pain. Just hang in there.

[stillafool]

The ex should definitely take care of the child while you are a work if he is unemployed. This shouldn't all be on you.

[Tayla]

There are three community churchs in our area that have daycares. Affordable and trustworthy. its 65$ a week with a monthly donation towards supplies... some bring tissues, some donate diapers and wipes. Point being that such exist and are reliable. Most of the labor is volunteers who go thru training and certification.. our state requires that much. Cpr, safety, and proper attendence to the group...

The parents do have to volunteer 4 hours per month to projects... raking the lawn, Mundane things yet it offsets some paid labor otherwise...

 

Maybe ask around if such exist in your area...

[jakrbbt]

I may well get blasted for this. Someone's not going to like my reply, but:

 

You think before you conceive.

You calculate and investigate costs and decide: Do I work, or do I raise a child and cut my hours?

 

I'm awfully sorry to say it, but I have zero sympathy.

Why have a child if you can't afford it?

 

Here's the crappy deal you've made yourself:

 

You can't afford to stop working because you have the natural overheads anyone has - living expenses which need to be paid for.

(Very few of us can budget AND incorporate easy-access savings. We tend for the most part to live to the limit of our means. Which means we don't have a strategy which allows for unforeseen circumstances which will pull on our resources....)

 

You can't afford to keep working because basically, you're now just working to pay someone else to raise, care for and look after your child's needs and you actually gain very little benefit or satisfaction from your job, because essentially, you're working for no pay. And you miss your child growing up.

 

The above question is a good one:

Why can't your ex raise his son, if he's not working?

 

Really, I honestly wish more folks would think this through.

Raising a child to adult age, costs in excess of a quarter-of-a-million.

It's up to you to find that money.

 

I stayed home.It was a conscious decision made all the much easier because my H. earnt a sufficiently high salary for us to be able to afford that.

 

I'm sorry for your child that you find yourself in such a predicament. Because he will either be raised by a stranger (or several, until you find the ideal) or by you, with a significant reduction in the advantages money can provide.

 

Perhaps I've given incomplete information. First, I do work full-time, technically a 5-day week, but as a lawyer with mostly project-based work I can tweak the hours a bit.

 

Second, I am not willing to quit my career to stay home. I'm the only parent who does work. Me quitting my job would be as irresponsible as if your husband had quit his.

 

And the answer can't simply be that women who have kids must stay home. If they want to, fine. But all or most of them, as a necessity? We'd never have a Hillary Clinton. (Yes I know, you dislike her, but she's only one example). I have a meaningful and viable career and am trying to strategize to see whether, among other things, I'll have to leave it for a higher-paying but less fulfilling one with less time for family. Right now mine is a good trade-off. (I'm also saving for private school, that's in my budget-- education is very important).

 

But daycare costs more than a four-year university tuition in most states. That's why I'm wondering--there must be some clever solution others have found. Most can't afford that.

[TaraMaiden2]

Perhaps I've given incomplete information. First, I do work full-time, technically a 5-day week, but as a lawyer with mostly project-based work I can tweak the hours a bit.

 

Second, I am not willing to quit my career to stay home. I'm the only parent who does work. Me quitting my job would be as irresponsible as if your husband had quit his.

 

And the answer can't simply be that women who have kids must stay home. If they want to, fine. But all or most of them, as a necessity? We'd never have a Hillary Clinton. (Yes I know, you dislike her, but she's only one example)

I really don't care one way or the other about her, being British.... and I understand that she's quite wealthy... however, I don't know what her standing was when Chelsea was a child, but note she only has one kid. Maybe having a bigger family would have interfered a little too much with her political aspirations....

 

I have a meaningful and viable career and am trying to strategize to see whether, among other things, I'll have to leave it for a higher-paying but less fulfilling one with less time for family. Right now mine is a good trade-off. (I'm also saving for private school, that's in my budget-- education is very important).

 

But daycare costs more than a four-year university tuition in most states. That's why I'm wondering--there must be some clever solution others have found. Most can't afford that.

 

You see, I really am torn by the total unfairness of it all. I mentioned this some time ago in another post:

Even in this high-tech modern age of the high-flying, advanced 21st Century, we still haven't managed to work out a comfortable, workable and effective strategy, globally, which permits women to HAVE children (worth noting we're the only gender that can) AND have a successful, rewarding lucrative career too. Without having to go through hoops and hardship to cater for the offspring.

 

Men do not have that problem to consider.

They just don't.

They're wives could be juggling a workload which requires commitment, dedication, concentration and results, while nursing morning sickness, cramps, bloating, nausea, water retention, an unreliable bladder, food cravings and general physical and hormonal changes which would on their own be enough to drive most folk insane.

 

Meanwhile, their menfolk have the audacity to tell their colleagues - "Hey guys, it's happened, I'm a dad, because WE'RE pregnant!"

 

Yes: Are we growing breasts which leak, a belly which will expand to 8 times its normal size and possibly develop stretchmarks, as well as going through all of the above? I don't think so!!

 

Yet women are the ones who have to make the contingency plans and adapt to the conditions such a pregnancy imposes.

It seems we also have to carry a substantial load of guilt too...

 

Ain't modern life grand?

 

This is why sadly, we still can't "have it all" even though we should be perfectly entitled to. Just as our partners can.

 

Makes my blood boil.

(Oh, can you tell...?!)