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Son Lost his girlfriend in a wreck, Drinking,Depressed all hygiene is gone.....


Mom22Boys

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Hello, I am new here and need some help. My 17 year old son was in a 3 year relationship with his girlfriend who was the same age. Well a month ago, He was taking her home from a movie and My sons car was struck by a drunk driver. His girlfriend died on scene and my son was airlifted and spent a week in ICU and another week in regular care of the hospital. Well he is just now back to going to school. And things are not well, He is drinking a lot and we are not sure where he is getting the alcohol is coming from. He is depressed and cries uncontrollably lately and his hygiene is gone. He doesn't shower for days and wears the same cloths even to school. He is pushing away friends at school and getting into fights. And is very near getting kicked off of the Football and baseball teams. On the Football team he is the starting QB or was before the wreck. And baseball he was there CF'er. He was/is a very well liked kid at school. My husband and i are unsure what to do at this point. We are lost.

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He need a lot of professional help.

 

Often head injuries cause aggressive behavior later as well.

 

He went through a lot.

 

He's not going to be bouncing right back from that.

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seekingpeaceinlove

^^^^ THIS^^^^

 

Get him into counseling/therapy immediately. Frankly, it should have happened already.

 

I cannot imagine the suffering he is experiencing right now. He is not able to cope and therefore trying to numb the pain with alcohol. He is really in a dangerous situation right now and it would be a damn miracle if he can get through this on his own.

 

Intervene with professional help NOW. DO NOT WAIT.

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We tried to get him to go to counseling and he wouldn't go, Down right refused. And I know people will say force him but it isn't that easy with a 6'2 175lb 17 year old.

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Why are you coming to an internet forum for advice on this serious issue. Go find professional help for your family. Take control of your house and stop your underage son from drinking.

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Tell him over & over again that you love him & that you want to help him. Monitor him about the drinking. Point out the irony he's drinking to get over the pain caused by a drunk driver. Use some tough love techniques but get him into counseling. Under the circumstances perhaps the doctors who put his body back together after the accident can recommend a therapist who will come to your house so you can sort of ambush your son. If you can even though that must be in enormous pain too ask the GF's parents to talk to your son. I have to believe that even in their grief that they don't want 2 lives to be lost. Reach out to his school too; they may have some suggestions.

 

Hang in there. This is overwhelming stuff for anybody. Your son probably has enormous survivor's guilt & you are probably crawling the walls trying to help him.

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I can't begin to imagine the pain your poor son is in right now. Besides the gut-wrenching grief he quite likely suffers from (survivor's) guilt which can be utterly debilitating.

 

Speak to your family doctor. They will likely have some experience with what your son is going through. He or she may be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Keep strong, Your boy needs his loved ones around even if he's trying to push people away right now.

 

Good luck.

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Tell him over & over again that you love him & that you want to help him. Monitor him about the drinking. Point out the irony he's drinking to get over the pain caused by a drunk driver. Use some tough love techniques but get him into counseling. Under the circumstances perhaps the doctors who put his body back together after the accident can recommend a therapist who will come to your house so you can sort of ambush your son. If you can even though that must be in enormous pain too ask the GF's parents to talk to your son. I have to believe that even in their grief that they don't want 2 lives to be lost. Reach out to his school too; they may have some suggestions.

 

Hang in there. This is overwhelming stuff for anybody. Your son probably has enormous survivor's guilt & you are probably crawling the walls trying to help him.

 

I didn't even know they would make house calls. This has truly been a struggle lately that i never though my son would ever be going through. I thought about getting the girls parents involved but i am afraid it would do more harm then good.

 

I can't begin to imagine the pain your poor son is in right now. Besides the gut-wrenching grief he quite likely suffers from (survivor's) guilt which can be utterly debilitating.

 

Speak to your family doctor. They will likely have some experience with what your son is going through. He or she may be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Keep strong, Your boy needs his loved ones around even if he's trying to push people away right now.

 

Good luck.

 

He keeps having nightmares and he has said he keeps remember her fading away as they pulled him from the car to bayflite him away.

 

Consider the possibility that he's suicidal.

 

Take proper precautions to limit his access to things that might facilitate a plan.

 

I can't even think about that, We haven't been letting him close any doors or lock them.

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I can't even think about that, We haven't been letting him close any doors or lock them.

 

You need to think about that. Don't leave him home alone. Remove all sharp implements and tools and rope from the home. All medications, poisons, etc should be out of his reach.

 

You can't stop someone completely if that's their mindset but you can make it more difficult.

 

You can ask him if he's having any thoughts of hurting himself or others. From what I understand a positive answer is enough to commit him against his will and once he gets medicated he'll be on the road to recovery.

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You need to think about that. Don't leave him home alone. Remove all sharp implements and tools and rope from the home. All medications, poisons, etc should be out of his reach.

 

You can't stop someone completely if that's their mindset but you can make it more difficult.

 

You can ask him if he's having any thoughts of hurting himself or others. From what I understand a positive answer is enough to commit him against his will and once he gets medicated he'll be on the road to recovery.

 

He is still on antibiotics and pain killers from the wreck. Can't just throw it out.

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He is still on antibiotics and pain killers from the wreck. Can't just throw it out.

 

The antibiotics aren't an issue. The painkillers- might want to give those to him on an "as needed" basis.

 

I was also referring to other medications that might be around the house.

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Please accept my sympathies for your loss. As she was with him nearly all his teenage years, she must've been like a member of your family. Perhaps it can help your H and yourself to get the assistance of a trauma counselor for you and tools you learn can also help your son, mainly in how you interact with him.

 

Also, since he'll need some follow-up and and guidance on ceasing or re-upping his meds, get his doc a heads-up as to what's going on and the doc can do a quiet psych eval along with the physical stuff. Yeah, sometimes you have to be sneaky. If the doc can do house calls, bonus. IMO, do whatever you need to do to get him in front of a competent doctor who can assess this. If he hasn't been examined for head trauma (he should have been), the doc can bring a neurologist in to rule out, or in, organic causes for his behaviors.

 

Yeah, it's tough when loved ones won't cooperate. With the right tools and persistence, though, my bet is this can be resolved. Best wishes for a positive outcome for your family.

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I am so sorry for the loss of this girl and the suffering of your son and families. Our family lost two young members in a horrific car crash last year. Our other family member--a survivor--seemed to be functioning but ended up having a complete breakdown--survivor's guilt, PTSD, and more.

 

 

Please get medical attention for your son as quickly as possible. Right now he needs Medical Professionals to treat him. School, sports etc need to take a back seat to his Mental Health.

 

 

Take Care.

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I honestly don't know if shrinks make house calls but you have to ask. I mean what else is there? I also think if the ask comes from another doctor -- your family physician, or somebody who is treating your son's other injuries, at least for the 1st encounter, it may be possible.

 

 

I'd gently talk to the girl's parents. They may want something concrete to do, something they can fix. I'm sure they loved your son as much as you loved their daughter. If they can't bear the thought or are so overwhelmed, drop it immediately. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. As mom, think about what you'd do if the situation was reversed -- she lived, your son died & they needed your help to get through to their daughter. If I am totally off base, leave them alone.

 

 

Are their any teen grief support groups locally? Ask at the hospital or your church. They do have these things

 

 

Another thing I thought of, check if there is a crime victims' advocacy group in your state. They often have resources available to victims. Your son is as much a victim as his late GF.

 

 

{{{{hugs}}}} my heart is breaking for you all.

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I will try and talk to them tomorrow, We are going to see them at the memorial for there daughter at School. I will try and get by to his doctor and ask as well. Son isn't eating a lot and that is a battle to get him to eat. He hasn't been to church since this all happened. And I am not sure if there is a support group I will have to look and see.

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While I think he definitely needs professional support (counseling, support group), I also think that it is normal that he'd be having a very difficult time one month out from such a tragic loss and life event. It's only been a month. He's not coping well, but anyone would be deep in mourning and struggling at this point. I say this only to give some perspective, not to suggest he doesn't need help. He isn't coping well and needs help.

 

If he is still seeing doctors for his physical recovery, that's a good place to start. If possible, accompany him to a visit and mention your concerns in his presence.

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Her parents agreed to come over tonight. And his school guidance counselors and administrators think it is best if I just pull him from school.

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acrosstheuniverse

I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

However, I second that this isn't an unusual or extravagant response for somebody who has only been bereaved for one month. If this was six months to a year down the line I'd be concerned, but at a month it would be strange for someone not to be in the depths of grief. Poor hygiene, anger, drinking, loss of appetite, all of those are normal responses to something that is probably the hardest thing he's had to cope with so far in his life.

 

The concern I'd have is worrying in case his grief gets so severe he does something to harm himself or tries to end his life, for that reason I feel it would be helpful for you to try and get him some kind of psychological support. Most bereavement counsellors in my country at least don't take clients on for at least two or three months after a death as until that point it's pointless doing any intensive therapy as shock often hasn't worn off and the person is still in too much of a whirlwind to be able to focus on it. But due to his age and the tragic circumstances I'd imagine most counsellors would be willing to bend those rules.

 

If you can, make sure he knows of some support services he can use if he needs to talk to somebody outside of the family, in the UK we have a charity called Samaritans who support people internationally via their e-mail address, you can find that easily on google. They provide confidential non judgmental emotional support to anybody going through distress. I don't know if you have an equivalent service in your country but if not, he can contact them at any time of the day or night and usually receive a reply within 4-12 hours. He may feel more able to speak to an anonymous stranger in that way, than to confide in someone he knows in person. And at least he can reach out without having to tell anyone else in his day to day life he's done so: never underestimate the pressure felt by men, especially young men, when it comes to talking about their feelings.

 

Reaching out to his late girlfriend's parents is a tough one, I'd imagine it could go either way. On one hand they might truly want to reach out and help to support him as I'm sure he's a big part of their lives. But on the other hand, they may not wish while so deeply bereaved to be trying to take on his overwhelming pain too, especially if they have their own complex feelings about him surviving while their poor girl lost her life.

 

As for school, I'm surprised the school recommended he be removed from class for now, for most bereaved kids and teens maintaining routine and structure and social support is absolutely crucial, although it'd be helpful if school are understanding and supportive and cut him some slack regarding his grades. What will he do if he's off school? Chances are, he'll spend most of his time at home, on his own, in his room, lots of time to ruminate and think. It's important to maintain a routine even while grieving or depressed or it's easy to slip into a vicious cycle where normal everyday activities are avoided because they're too difficult to face up to... before you know it, you're in a situation where you're doing none of the things that might give you pleasure or social support and your life shrinks until all you're doing is hiding away. I would encourage him to stay at school as far as is possible.

 

Finally I'd encourage you and your partner to get some individual counselling if it's an option. You are going to go through an incredibly hard time watching the person you love most in the world suffering beyond your worst nightmares. As a parent I imagine there are few things worse than seeing your child go through unimaginable pain and being completely unable to take it away. The more support you can get for yourself, the better you'll be placed to stay strong around him.

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Her parents agreed to come over tonight. And his school guidance counselors and administrators think it is best if I just pull him from school.

 

OK. Pulling him from school sounds like he will be more isolated. It sounds to me like they are washing their hands in the face of this strategy.

 

You poor thing.

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Thank you all, School was about as helpful as I thought they might be. My husband and I do not know what we are going to do honestly. He hasn't said or done anything yet that would suggest he might harm himself but it is a fear we have.

 

Her parents came over and my son couldn't even look them in the eyes and just cried uncontrollably. I do not know if it made a difference or not. Lately he has been having pretty bad nightmares associated with the wreck.

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MuddyFootprints

I don't think you should pull him from school.

 

It sounds like the school is trying to take the easy way out.

 

Educational and social support is crucial.

 

Don't let them push him away from that.

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Her parents came over and my son couldn't even look them in the eyes and just cried uncontrollably. I do not know if it made a difference or not. Lately he has been having pretty bad nightmares associated with the wreck.

 

 

He is probably tormented by guilt. It doesn't surprise me that he couldn't look at her parents. If he listened to them, if he heard them, that it's not his fault, maybe, just maybe, that is the 1st baby step in his healing.

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