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Parenting when you don't live with your children


Toucans

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I hope nobody will judge me for any of this but I really need some advice on how to make things better.

 

Five years ago my partner left me for another woman and ended up getting married to her within six months. He didn't earn very much money, I had a full time job and my wages were good but he was in debt and bad with money. Taking care of the bills and the mortgage with two incomes was a bit of a struggle but on my own I found it really hard. One week I ended up not being able to eat for days and we had no electric. Child minding fees were huge and it was one of the worst times of my life. I'd give the children food and bought them things they needed but when the electric was cut of I asked their dad to look after them for a few weeks as he had moved in with his mother and his wife.

 

I ended up getting a tax rebate and I thought he'd just give the children back but he refused to. I went through court to try and get them back but they decided they would be ok living with him. Because I'd asked him to look after them, they were living in a nice house and obviously it didn't look very good because I had weeks where I couldn't even eat or have the electric on.

 

My daughters see me a lot and sleep over all the time. We get on really well and always have a great time. I am doing well with money now, moved in to a much cheaper place and I'm living quite comfortably and pay their dad maintenance.

 

Recently my daughters have been telling me that their step mother is always shouting at them. Their dad now works nights so they don't see him very often but they are constantly being shouted at by her. My oldest was in tears yesterday because her step mother keeps telling her she's asking stupid questions, telling her she should use her brain. She went home from school early one day and was told that she was lying and she wasn't really ill.

 

They've told me that all their dad and she does is argue and that one day their dad took her car and house keys off her and wouldn't let her leave the house. My youngest daughter has an ulcer above her tooth, I think it may have been an abscess and it had puss in it but she told me her dad got a needle and popped it which I found quite horrifying! He keeps buying big dogs even though the child he has with his wife is terrified of them. There are so many things they tell me and they keep crying about it.

 

They were only 5 and 7 when they went to their dads and when court asked them who they wanted to live with they just got upset because they didn't want to upset either of us. I try talking to him about all the things they say to me that they're upset about but he just ends up getting a bit annoyed or that they don't listen and are naughty.

 

When they are with me they are as gold as gold, occasionally they can be a bit naughty but I think lots of children can be sometimes. I know I'm not there when they say their dad and step mother do these things but all I know is they seem really upset lately. They hardly see their dad as he is in work and I don't think their step mother pays them the attention they need from their mother.

 

I don't know what to do to try and sort this out. Whenever I try and bring things up with him he looks at me like I have no right as I don't have custody. I'm thinking about going to court again to try and get them back but I don't want the kids being upset again. Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this? I'm really ashamed and embarrassed to be a mother who doesn't have custody. I hope you all don't think I'm a terrible person :(

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GunslingerRoland

So he has 100% custody? That is pretty rare for fathers...

 

If your financial situation is in order, you could look into retaining a better lawyer who should at least be able to get you partial custody. You may be able to hire a PI and get enough information to help you out, but it's tough because it seems like the negative things happen inside of the house.

 

But beyond that, just be the mother than you can be to them given the situation and remember that they are getting older and regardless of what the government says the custody is, they will have more say sooner than you know on their own situation.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this? I'm really ashamed and embarrassed to be a mother who doesn't have custody.

 

no need to be, you did what was best for your children. take it to the court, reapply for custody & keep trying until you get one.

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