Step Son smoking cigarettes, What's your thoughts ?

[Blue08]

My 15 year old step son is stealing cigarettes, out of my purse and out of my van, and since he is stealing and being sneaky about what he is doing it is causing him to lie.

 

I found out he was stealing cigarettes out of the van, so I took them out and put them in my purse, and kept the purse by me, except for when I went to use the bathroom. He stole one when I walked away, then after I came out he made up a reason to go outside.

 

It makes me upset, one because he is almost 15 and is involved in A LOT of sports, two, stealing from me and going through my belongings, and 3 he thinks I must be stupid, bc he doesn't do it out of his father's stuff, or truck.

 

So I feel that his father should say something, but he has not, but I did take a sticky note and put on the cigarettes and told him directly that I know, stay out, and I count them, but he still took one. I'm frustrated!!! I just don't know what to do or say, If it were my son I would immediately sit him down and talking with him.

 

He also got caught chewing tobacco at school and his dad never said anything to him about it.

 

What should I do, I know I am not his parent, but I do not want him going through my belongings and I don't feel that it is me being a "mom" it's common courtesy?

[carhill]

I'd separate the smoking part from the stealing part. While a risk, smoking is a choice, one you apparently choose, and he's apparently followed, for now anyway, and not uncommon among young people. The stealing part, well that can get illegal and have long-term consequences.

 

If the boy is living with you in your adult household, you're entitled to enforce house rules on him whether he comes from your loins or not. It would be no different if a boarder was stealing from you. Of course, it should be a team effort, with his father and biological mother also enforcing boundaries. If they feel stealing from you is not a problem, then, well, you have a problem to address with the adults.

[anika99]

I think the stealing issue is secondary to the smoking issue and that the two issues are connected. The reason I say this is because as a teen I started smoking while my parents were still smokers (they both quit later on). Once I was good and addicted to the nicotine I would "steal" cigs from my parents and from my uncle who lived with us when I didn't have the funds to get my own smokes. Generally I wasn't a thief. I knew stealing was wrong and I would have never taken anything else that didn't belong to me. The reason I would steal cigarettes was two-fold. First I had an addiction that needed to be fed, secondly I knew that my parents weren't going to give me a cigarette if I asked them for one. I wasn't allowed to smoke and I got punished whenever they caught me, as if they could punish away my addiction. Yes it was wrong to steal cigs but my biggest problem was the addiction and I needed help with that problem the most.

 

So I guess the question is, which issue do you want to address? Is it your stepson's addiction or is it the theft of your cigarettes? If your greatest concern is that he not take your cigarettes I think your only option is going to be hiding your pack out of sight. Perhaps a better approach would be to realize that you and his father have both set a bad example for him and now he has taken on an addiction that could be life threatening. You could let this be your wake up call that it's time to quit and then as a family you could all research safe and effective ways to give up smoking.

[carhill]

Well, if the father sees no issue with his son dipping at school, then step-mom and dad are going to be at loggerheads on the smoking/dipping issue. However, it is entirely within step-mom's purview to enforce boundaries on her purse and van.

 

Suffice to suggest that step-son isn't totally feeding his addiction out of step-mom's purse and van; he's got multiple sources, likely including adults buying for him and getting from other kids at school.

 

While I'm a life-long non-smoker, I grew up in the unfiltered blue haze and a lot of my teenage friends smoked. It was pretty normal back in the 60's, as was 'do as I say, not as I do' parenting, which we teens generally ignored, especially surrounding vices like cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. Teen rebellion and all that.

 

Hopefully, his petty theft stops at mom's purse. When it becomes easy to lie and steal, well, that can become a slippery slope of a habit, one which can find one in the back of a squad car headed for a night of concrete and iron. Sometimes that's what a young person needs to establish boundaries. Sometimes not. Hopefully he'll get the lesson, since boys tend to be risk takers. It's what we do.

[Blue08]

Thanks for your advice guys! I know, I feel terrible that we set a bad example. We don't smoke in front of the kids, in the vehicles, at home, we tried to hide it. Obviously it did not work. I started smoking about a year and a half ago and We have both tried about 4 times to stop, and well I failed. We both have appointments for the Dr's for October 8th, for something to try and help.

 

I know he is stealing and snooping because he is addicted. The issue with him taking cigarettes from me is because it is illegal and I don't want to be the reason he is able to smoke.

The addiction is causing him to be snoopy through our stuff and I don't like that because then he is going through our drawers, our bedroom, or wherever he wants.

He is lying now, and being manipulative and I understand why, so when he is being weird and making excuses to go "sit with the dog outside" or "going to go play catch by himself" I know what he is doing. Am I suppose to just let him or tell him he can't go outside? Your right all I can do is keep mine away, but he just might get them from some where else

[Blue08]

Last year he also begged and pleaded to not to go to his mother's and he was even crying. So his dad did not force him and he was able to visit whenever he wanted to. He only visited her every couple of months for a night or two at a time.

Then recently he claims he misses her so much and wants to go visit her and leaves on sunday in which we were keeping his sister because his mother was not going to be there, and now he wants to start visiting her again on his old schedule.

The whole thing seems fishy, I believe they smoke also, and he might know where their stash is also.

Everything seems fishy, I don't even know this boy anymore, and I don't know the right way to go about it.

[carhill]

Pretty normal for a teenage boy; he'll work one drill site until that hole dries up, then move to another. Your instincts are probably correct.

 

How much time do you and his father spend at his sports events? If sporadic, I'd suggest ramping it up a bit. Be interested. And watchful. Never underestimate kids.

[Blue08]

His father is at all sporting events, I am at most of them, unless my son has a sporting event at the same time. Do you think I should say something directly to him about going outside, or just keep pretending I don't know, and just keep my stuff locked away?

[anika99]

Thanks for your advice guys! I know, I feel terrible that we set a bad example. We don't smoke in front of the kids, in the vehicles, at home, we tried to hide it. Obviously it did not work. I started smoking about a year and a half ago and We have both tried about 4 times to stop, and well I failed. We both have appointments for the Dr's for October 8th, for something to try and help.

 

I know he is stealing and snooping because he is addicted. The issue with him taking cigarettes from me is because it is illegal and I don't want to be the reason he is able to smoke.

The addiction is causing him to be snoopy through our stuff and I don't like that because then he is going through our drawers, our bedroom, or wherever he wants.

He is lying now, and being manipulative and I understand why, so when he is being weird and making excuses to go "sit with the dog outside" or "going to go play catch by himself" I know what he is doing. Am I suppose to just let him or tell him he can't go outside? Your right all I can do is keep mine away, but he just might get them from some where else

 

So both you and your bf are well aware of the hold a nicotine addiction can have on people. Why aren't you and your bf addressing the fact that your stepson has a very serious addiction? Why aren't you helping him? You both have an appt with a doctor to help you quit, why not include the boy in on this? It can be a family endeavor. Of course he needs to want to quit so you and his father will have to have a discussion with him about this. Telling him he might die in 30yrs from lung cancer won't have much effect on him as kids can't ever picture things that far away. You can talk to him about how smoking will negatively impact his life right now. Tell him most girls who dont' smoke will find his habit nasty and they won't want to hang out with him. Tell him when he gets his first job he will end up wasting his hard earned on money on cigarettes because smoking is an expensive habit. He won't be able to save for his first car or buy himself a cool bike because the bulk of his money will be eaten up by smoking. I don't about where you live but where I live (Canada) the average price of a pack of smokes is about $13 so a pack a day habit costs about $400/month. Tell him about the valuable time he will lose going to buy smokes, thinking about smokes and finding places to smoke where he won't offend non smokers. Help him get to a point where he sees smoking as a very negative force in his life and then offer to help him quit. If he is fully addicted lectures and punishment are not going to do anything. He needs help.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

You both should switch to vaporizing - save money and your health, what's he going to do? Steal your e-cigarette?

Edited October 2, 2015 by Jacob_Duluoz

[whichwayisup]

Two separate issues here, his smoking (which is stupid and bad, but teens are teens, the more you ride him on that, the more he'll smoke) and his snooping/stealing. That is awful and has to stop. DO talk to your partner, his father about it! He has to know that his son is stealing. This behaviour will turn worse if he continues stealing and snooping. Consequences... He needs to suffer some so he'll grow up and understand what he is doing is wrong.

[Blue08]

Thanks for all the advice! I will look into E cigarets, I am not really sure what they are. His father had a talk with him yesterday, and he said he was not doing it anymore, but we will see. His father also told if he needs help we are here to help him. He hid in his bedroom the entire evening, the only time I saw him was when he came home from a friends.

I think his dad also needs to let him mother know, so that she can keep an eye out at her house.

It's tough being a step parent, because you get the "your not my mom" card pulled, although he doesn't say it, I know what he is thinking. Even over simple things like taking shoes off in the house, or watching how speaks in front of the little ones, or even keeping the door open when his gf is here. It's difficult to find my place because I'm not his friend, I'm not his mother, but I am the responsible adult who cares for him. So, I usually go through his father and hound him about having consequences and boundaries.

[lookin ahead]

Thanks for all the advice! I will look into E cigarets, I am not really sure what they are.

 

 

Honestly, anything you inhale that is not supposed to be inhaled is bad for your lungs, i see this all the time you still get nicotine no matter how much they glorify it, it doesn't matter how you inhale it, no matter how fancy you put it vapor or not, smoking is bad and it leads to all sorts of issues not just respiratory but cardiovascular concerns as well. I would recommend to really just focus on quitting. My grandfather smoked all his life since he was 13, and at 60 he quit.

 

Focus on quitting, once you quit, and get rid of the cigarettes it will help, because it is pointless to give him a lecture when someone in the household smokes even if your an adult, teenagers are very rebellious and they can grab onto the whole "if you do it, why can't i" scenario.

[UpwardForward]

I'm guessing he is in trouble in the spirit. Or going through a bad emotional time.

 

When I was going through my hairy divorce, I found out my sons had begun to purchase & try pot.

 

When I discovered the marijuana, I told them they were going to build up their bodies, not tear them down.

 

Made them cease contact from their neighbor-supplier, and asked their father to pay for gym memberships.

 

But it goes w/o saying - to expect kids to do things we do. I'm not a smoker, nor was my husband.

[Blue08]

well I found chewing tobacco, and like 3 vapor things in his room. Seems like this is going on a lot longer than we have known. Not sure what to do, I think his father may be completely fine not knowing anything, idk.

Maybe I should just stay out of it and let them figure it out or not.

Maybe I am an over bearing parent but I do keep tabs on my son, and I check things out, put parental controls on our electronics, and has a bedtime, chores, has to do homework etc.

I'm under the impression he has never done this for his son. ever. He just assumes everything is fine but he doesn't look.

I think as a parent, and I knew that he had products that needed to be purchased by persons 18yrs or older, I would want to know WHO is getting this for him!

For all we know he could be smoking pot also, I know some of his friends do, and two birds of a feather flock together.

[Blue08]

I really don't know what my position is here, but it really bothers me. ( please tell me if I am wrong)

He is a seems like a good kid, or is he good at covering it up.

When his father and I 1st got together he was failing school, and I was the one who told he needs to get his grades up, and needs consequences.

So his dad did ground him and talk to him about it.

There was also unexcused absences on his report card, not like one or two, like 10 for one class, I told him father he should look into and never did.

He is allowed to have his phone in his room, computer, etc. all hours of the night and there was a porno issue in our house, and I said they only reason I caught it was because I check, and his father doesn't.

He found out he was having sex in our home, I said he should talk with him, he never did.

There was a note from the school addressed to his father, it sat on the counter for months, I finally opened it, and he got caught chewing tobacco at school, and yet again never talked to him about it.

I'm frustrated that he doesn't take the time to figure out what is really going on and want to lead him in the right direction!

Is this any of my business or not, I feel like it's not, but like I said I am frustrated that he is absent in those areas.

His father has his own business and my step son has the idea he is just going to work for him when he is 18, and he doesn't need to college. I'm involved in the business and I know that my husband can't afford to hire him for $10.00 an hour the way things are right now. I feel like he is setting him up for failure. ugh!

[Jacob_Duluoz]

See her step son is already way ahead of her with the technology. Inhaling oil vapor with nicotine in it is way better for you than inhaling smoke. Also, people try to quit cigarettes and then fail at alarmingly high rates, hence the substitution. I started smoking at 16, quit at 26, started again at 27 and now switched the vaporizer at 29, 173 days and going strong. I don't even really want a cigarette.

 

Your best bet is to be very honest with him like an adult rather than try to control him. People tend to do things because they want to do them, not because you pressure them.

[turnera]

I'd be taking my husband to a counselor and telling him in front of the counselor your concerns. Find out WHY he won't act like a grownup and a father. Maybe that's how his own dad was. Maybe he feels guilty for the divorce. Maybe he has low self esteem and thinks (erroneously) that his son will like him more if he becomes his friend. Maybe he flat out doesn't care.

 

The problem is that this kid is going to end up living with you two for the next 20 years if he doesn't see some discipline and goals.

 

As for cigarettes, no offense, but if you're going to give the bad example of being an adult who smokes, I don't see how you have much leverage in this issue, regardless of whether he's stealing and lying. He'll be doing that with EVERYthing eventually anyway, not just cigarettes.

[carhill]

Is he essentially full-time in your care?

 

If so, set your own ground rules, starting with your personal stuff. His initial response would be the litmus test as to whether to shut his phone or internet access off. No talk, just do. Remember, this is your stuff he's stealing. That has consequences.

 

In parenting, someone has to be 'the bad guy'. Fortunately, I got parented by a team of bad guys so there was no mercy nor one parent to play off the other. Your case is different, since you're a step-mom. Still, pick your hill and die on it. When the kids run the household, it's anarchy on hormones with undeveloped brains.

 

If you put your foot down, meaning solid boundaries and clear consequences, what's the worst that could happen? Think about that.

[turnera]

His father is at all sporting events, I am at most of them, unless my son has a sporting event at the same time. Do you think I should say something directly to him about going outside, or just keep pretending I don't know, and just keep my stuff locked away?

As far as YOUR relationship with his son, I suggest you read up on Authoritative Parenting. You don't even have to be doing the parenting; just knowing the stuff and how it should work, you'll be able to find many situations in which you can practice it, to his benefit. I can help with that if you need it. Basically, with teenagers, it's speak directly to them, completely honestly, use logic, no emotion or judging, explain consequences, GIVE consequences (without emotion or judging), and be consistent.

 

He needs to respect you guys and right now, you're not giving him much to respect. Because, to a teenager, respect means giving rules and boundaries and the resultant consequences, so as to keep HIM from making a mistake as all teenagers do.

 

Characteristics of the Authoritative Parenting Style

[Blue08]

He has been here mostly full-time, but lately he has been going to his mothers more often. I would say I spend more time with his children than he does, his son mostly.

I think the more I push the more he is going to pull away.

The girl my husband was last with, a long time ago, "tried to be his mom" and it seems like his father defended with him.

She tried to get the kids not watching t.v at bedtime, which I agree because he stays up until the a.m on school nights, and well we know what happened with that relationship.

It seems to me like he wants me to do mom things like wash his clothes, make his food, give him rides, pick his friends up, try to manipulate me into buying him things talk his dad to buying him things but as soon as I say something simple like take your shoes off, it's your not my mom card.

And recently he has been a lot more distant from me, I'm thinking it's not going to go so well.

I will stand my ground and be a positive influence on him, and maybe one day he will see that I was just looking out for him.

I try and be positive, I do homework every night and my son sits with me and does his as well, I have tried to encourage him to join but he laughs it off.

I have talked to him about college, and how important an education is, and just says "I'm not going, I am going to work at the shop"

Everything I say he knows better and disagrees. So frustrating! Teenagers, now I know why my dad did the things he did!

I understand that I smoke, and it's horrible I started after my divorce and I should not have, I wish I never did. I am absolutely willing and planning on quitting again, it's just so tough, really. My brain gets so foggy to the point I feel like it is dangerous to drive, I also have homework and I can not THINK!! ugh! I know they sound like excuses but they are real.

[Blue08]

Thanks! I will read about it.

[Blue08]

My other thread was about my step son smoking, and not fast forward a few weeks, my husband had a talk with him and grounded him so that he is not allowed to go any where but he is allowed to have friends over. Well he had a friend over the other night and I smelled smoke when they came in. I told my husband about this. Then 2 days ago his dad was at work and he went outside & i knew what he was doing because he was not dressed to go outside and it was freezing, I looked out the window and I saw him walk behind the garage and there is not anything for him to be doing out there. He came in just few min. later.

His mother also found him searching things on you tube like how do you tell your parents you dip. and his father never told his mother that he has been sneaking cigerates.

I guess my question is what would you do as a parent?

I'm so frustrated because my husband doesn't know what else to do and I'm like so you do nothing?

He is 15! so for another what 3yrs he is going to be hiding?

His friends coming over here are NOT working he is STILL smoking, and now, HERE and I do not condone that nor am I an idiot and I don't like looking the other way like I don't know.

If it we were me and my son, and I already had the soft gentle talk & he continued to do it. I would go in there demand the cigarettes or go through his room and tell him and his friend this **** is going to stop now, and I would be on him like flies on **** to make sure. Seems a little harsh I know, but I think when he gets older he might thank me for caring for trying.

ugh I hate it, I think the thing that frustrates me the most is I feel like his dad is not doing very much on keeping tabs on him, and he falls for the usual teen manipulation.

[LuckyLady13]

Take it from someone who has been smoking 25 years as of this year. You can't keep him from ever leaving the house. He's going to sneak this every time he leaves. My father smoked, so did mom, so neither said anything to me other than my father telling me I'm as stupid as he is. That's it!

 

Doing nothing obviously doesn't work but punishing him and trying to be on him like, as you said, flies on **** isn't going to work either. He has to go to school, you have to let him out of the house eventually, he's going to have friends.

 

Looking back on my own situation, I so wish my father would've talked to me about it. I mean really sat down and talked to me about it. I probably wouldn't have listened to a thing my mother would've said because I just had no real respect for her but I had a lot of respect for my father.

 

At 15, your step son is very close to being an adult, out on his own and he's testing the adult waters in such a bad way right now. He's making decisions for himself and this just happens to be a bad one. This is serious. It's not like being mad at a puppy for peeing on the rug. He may very well be setting himself up, like me, for 25 years of heartache over this.

 

I really wish my dad would've talked to me. And talked to me like the adult I was becoming. I was 17. Not too far off from your step sons age. All these years later, smoking is such an integral part of my being and personality that I wouldn't recognize myself in the mirror if I quit. I think, at the age your step son is right now, and the age I was, you don't want this to be one of the first adult decisions he makes. He's at such a sensitive age as far as finding his personality as an adult!

 

He's setting himself up for disaster, just like I did.

 

I wish you luck!

[anika99]

As I said on your other thread, you can't punish away an addiction. Your stepson is addicted to nicotine so he is past the point of grounding and lectures. What happened with you and your partners plan to quit smoking yourselves? If you can't quit what makes you think it's so easy for the kid to quit?