Should I worry if my son seems closer to my fiance than me?

[Ciera.]

Hey!

So I used this forum 2 years ago in reference to my new ldr. In the end I wanted to make sure we were very solid before moving my son to another country, and even then I had to apply a relevant passport and a visa for my son so it wasn’t until February this year that we moved from Portland with its population of 600,000 in the city alone to Connemara, Ireland, home to just 32,000 people, or 32,002 now (a big change)!

One of the scariest things I've ever done, along with having my son, and both have proved to be the best things I've ever done! We have a whole new life here and I am so in love! I've always been a marriage sceptic if I'm honest, I've seen my mum married and divorced 3 times but when he asked me to marry him a just fortnight ago I didn’t have a doubt in my mind!!

 

Aside from being with my fiancé another thing I've loved about the move is I no longer work unsocial hours at two jobs meaning I get to spend more time with my son than I ever did before!

My son's 9 (not far off 10) he's a really really great kid, he's honest, well mannered, clever, calm and determined, he's also a somewhat shy lad, cautious with new things. He was having some problems back in the States really hating school. Since we've moved he's been happier. He started at this tiny little local school, after his first week I had a meeting with his teacher (who actually taught my fiance and his brothers back when) and she said was he's quiet but there's absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet, its not a flaw it’s a personality trait' she actually said that some of the most decent well rounded men she knows were quiet at school, my boyfriend being one of them. Like I swear it took self-restraint not to lean over the table and kiss her!! It's fight I've been trying to fight for him!

 

He's been doing really good here, Ro is a farrier but his family own a horse stables and all his brothers are involve in the business meaning they and their families live close. Two of them have kids around my sons age and it's so nice to see him playing with other kids cause he's always tended to hang back socially.

Rohan is so good with him as well, he's taught him to ride a horse, to forge a horseshoe, takes him to rugby club. They both weren't well last month and I came home to my son cuddled up to him on the sofa while my fiance was reading a book to him and I swear it melted my heart! Melted my heart! I'm pretty independent and I don't need a man but I love having Ro in my life and also love that my son loves having him in his! He's recently started referring to him to 3rd parties as "my dad" on occasion.

 

However theres this nagging feeling, and I feel stupid thinking it and stupider saying it but I sometimes feel……. I've always thought me and my son were close, we've always been a team, but I had him at 16, I worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table and I have always felt I've missed out on time with him and now that I've had the opportunity to spend much more time with my son, I worry that maybe he doesn't feel we're as close as I thought we were, that maybe he feels like Rohan almost understands him more than I do, that seems so weird to say its not like anything between us has changed, but since moving here he's desperate to spend time with Ro, and he seems to talk to him more about stuff that’s bothering him.

 

I thought maybe im being silly, or maybe he's just enjoying having a man in his life, but theres apart of me that thinks.. My fiance is really gung-ho, charming, genuine, buthe's also quite a quiet guy, soft hearted, personality wise he's much more alike my son than I am, I've actually got a leaving card from my best friend stating I'm "a little loud, a little reckless and a lot of fun"! Honestly I was never out of trouble growing up and I can't even remember the last time I had to tell my son off for anything, he's such a great son! But I'm not his friend I'm his mum, and I think like if in this big hard world the you can't count on your mum to understand you best then who can you count on!

 

I wouldn’t bring it up to him cause he's 9! He shouldn't be worrying about stuff like that, I guess I'm just after advice? Do you think its just a phase? Or should I be doing something more to get in his head? For him to be happy is what I want more than anything in this world!!

[casey.lives]

no .. boys are looking for a masculine role model.

[Dutchman1]

Dear Ciera,

I loved both my parents, but my dad was always my best friend.

Consider yourself a lucky lady.

Congratulations, I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride, and have a great life the three or more of you.

 

Hugs

 

Dutchman 1

[Ciera.]

no .. boys are looking for a masculine role model.

 

Dear Ciera,

I loved both my parents, but my dad was always my best friend.

Consider yourself a lucky lady.

Congratulations, I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride, and have a great life the three or more of you.

 

Hugs

Dutchman 1

 

Thanks guys! :)

 

 

So you think just more a case of boys being boys than any kind of distance in my relationship with him!?

[d0nnivain]

Your FI is like a shiny new toy while you are the favorite teddy bear. You are his mom & have always been there for him giving him stability & consistency. But now there is a man. . . a man who's interested in him, who listens & who does manly things. He has the best of both worlds. Celebrate their relationship because doing so will strengthen your bond with them both!

[Dutchman1]

Threads like this make me feel soooooooo good.

 

Hugs

Dutchman 1

[Ciera.]

Thanks guys this has made me really happy! Can't lie I was worried I was putting myself out there for a bit of a bashing, thought people would think I should of tried harder to make more time back in the States, guess that's a bit of irrational self doubt.

 

 

I'm really really happy they both get on so well, I feel incredibly lucky on that front! Its just been little stuff like Chet was particularly nervous before his first rugby game and I try to sit down with him and be encouraging but I never seem to have the right words, where Rohan seems to find them easily. I feel like as his mom I should know what to say. It don't want to let him down.

But I guess maybe it is just a guy to guy thing. I've always been his mom afterall whereas he's never had a man in his life so obviously having that now is a really big deal to him!

[Shepp]

I really wouldn't worry at all - this is a guy you've moved thousands of miles to marry not some meaningless fling.

 

There's tons of single mums that do a great job, I'm sure your one of them! But as a guy, particularly as a young lad there's something special about the relationship you have with your dad!

And you know you don't have to be a father to be a dad!

 

You'll always be his mum, you'll always be in his corner but particularly if he can me somewhat shy it probably is a confidence boost to not just have his mum in the corner but this new 'cool' guy who encourages him, wants to spend time with him ...it might be at the moment that resonates stronger with him cause he expects you to support him but having your fiancé do so is still new and maybe unexpected..

[Grumpybutfun]

This is a natural reaction to having to share his attention after years of being his sole interest. Imagine all this change Chet is going through and here is this big man who pays him attention and loves his mum. I bet your boy is just ecstatic to have a male who gets him....so many young men do not. As a father, I'm can honestly say I hang the moon for my son and daughters....I am their Poppy and they love me and hang on my every word, hang off my body and I shower them with attention but their mother is everything to them. She is their light.....the one they always can go to for nurturing and warmth. We make a great team, and my kids adore me but I know who their world revolves around and it isn't me.

This is normal and good for your son. You are so lucky you found someone who loves your son enough to invest time into him.

Best,

Grumps

[Ciera.]

There's tons of single mums that do a great job, I'm sure your one of them! But as a guy, particularly as a young lad there's something special about the relationship you have with your dad!

And you know you don't have to be a father to be a dad!

You'll always be his mum, you'll always be in his corner but particularly if he can me somewhat shy it probably is a confidence boost to not just have his mum in the corner but this new 'cool' guy who encourages him, wants to spend time with him ...it might be at the moment that resonates stronger with him cause he expects you to support him but having your fiancé do so is still new and maybe unexpected..

 

This is a natural reaction to having to share his attention after years of being his sole interest. Imagine all this change Chet is going through and here is this big man who pays him attention and loves his mum. I bet your boy is just ecstatic to have a male who gets him....so many young men do not. As a father, I'm can honestly say I hang the moon for my son and daughters....I am their Poppy and they love me and hang on my every word, hang off my body and I shower them with attention but their mother is everything to them. She is their light.....the one they always can go to for nurturing and warmth. We make a great team, and my kids adore me but I know who their world revolves around and it isn't me.

This is normal and good for your son. You are so lucky you found someone who loves your son enough to invest time into him.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thanks guys, that all makes me feel better!

 

 

Don't get me wrong I feel super super lucky to have met my FI, I'm very thankful for how he and my son get on and I am genuinely the happiest I've been in my life, lifes good.

I'm probably just overthinking, I worry about Chester, he had a rough time back at home, he was bullied badly back home. He has a genetic condition that gives him a bright white forelock of hair, something his fathers brother had too, I know from knowing him that once he gets to 18 its something girls will fawn over, but anything that makes you stand out in primary school can be tough, and Chets a shy boy anyway! I had no idea he was being badly bullied till the school called me in cause it had got to a stage they were genuinely concerned. Your taking about a 7 year old kid, and I had no idea, I knew he didn't like school but didn't dream stuff was that bad. Maybe I should of noticed, but I didn't. He simply told me he didn't want to worry me. That broke my heart.

 

 

Things are so much better here, he's a village school and doing well, Ro's nephews go there & he has them to play with out of school, and he's playing for his rugby team. He's really settled. And that's great!! He's def seems much more likely to go to my fiancé with a problem or a concern which probably stuck with me more because of 'before', I don't he's my son, I don't want him to feel like he can't come to his mom! ..But I think looking at it more logically now, he just sees us in different roles! He seems to want to protect me more.

 

And as role models go.. I couldn't choose a better one than Ro!!

Edited September 29, 2015 by Ciera.