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Step Parenting problems


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I met my wife when I was 21, she was 28 with a 6 year old son from a previous relationship and we now have two boys of our own 5 and 7. My step son is now 15. He has driven a wedge between my wife and I. She has gotten angry over our 8 years of marriage and told me to move out numerous times. I am currently living at my parents. I was happy before I was married. I am now on anti depressants. I am constantly told by my wife that things are my fault, she is unhappy and has been, that I am solely responsible for our current state of marriage. CPS has been involved as well as the police. My stepson has showed total disrespect towards law enforcement. He is never happy with what he gets. His mother gives him everything he wants and does not follow through with punishments. They both gang up on me, he has told me to get out of my own home and she will agree with him. I really love my wife and our two children and things couldn't be better when he is not around. I do not know what to do.

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Firedad, I'm sorry for your pain. :( From what you're saying, I think your wife is wrong to kick you out and side with your stepson.

 

Have you tried counseling? Where is your stepson's father? Are you connected to a church? I think these three resources could hopefully help you sort out your obstacles and come to a better arrangement.

 

Honestly, I feel sad for your stepson. I think there are few things more painful than having your own parents not united, while your mom creates a happy family with another man, including having kids who get to have a mom and dad in the same home.

 

In addition to looking for help from a counselor and/or a local church, I hope you can have some compassion for this boy who hasn't been given the best hand in life, and possibly isn't being given the best tools on how to handle his emotions.

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Brother I am soooo sorry you are going through this .

I actually came on here to search for step parenting advice and to just vent to feel better because I , too, am at a loss.

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He's just being what his mom taught him to be. It's who SHE is.

 

You won't be able to change it. It's a good bet she's the reason her first marriage didn't make it.

 

Focus on your kids, move on, and get divorced. If she ever gets her head out of her butt, she can come to you, at which time you can set new boundaries for behavior. But without that, you have no real marriage.

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I don't think it's realistic to place the responsibility for the failure of your marriage onto your stepson.

 

The responsibility rests with you and your wife, not with a child who hasn't reached the age of responsibility.

 

You feel that he is influencing your wife to turn against you, but it's much more likely to be the other way round.

 

Teenage boys are very protective of their mothers.

 

So what reasons does your wife give for not wanting to be be with you anymore?

 

What are her complaints?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Firedad,

 

I am surprised that at age 6 you were not able to bond with her son. This is really important. My kids were 4 and 5 when I remarried and my kids took to my H very well. His daughter was 13 and it was tougher for me. I don't think she like the whole idea in the beginning but I was able to establish a friendship.

 

Are you yelling and reprimanding her son often? He could be jealous of the younger kids. Do you know if he has hurt or threatened them? This happened to me with my older step sisters growing up. I don't have a relationship with them because of the bad memories.

 

Please speak to your wife about what the issues are with her son. Determine if they are valid. Clarify your feelings towards him. Saying you don't want him around is not a good sign. That is her son and she is not going to abandon him for you.

 

You need to look deep inside of yourself and understand your own behavior, If CPS got involved maybe its best that you stay away.

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I met my wife when I was 21, she was 28 with a 6 year old son from a previous relationship and we now have two boys of our own 5 and 7. My step son is now 15. He has driven a wedge between my wife and I. She has gotten angry over our 8 years of marriage and told me to move out numerous times. I am currently living at my parents. I was happy before I was married. I am now on anti depressants. I am constantly told by my wife that things are my fault, she is unhappy and has been, that I am solely responsible for our current state of marriage. CPS has been involved as well as the police. My stepson has showed total disrespect towards law enforcement. He is never happy with what he gets. His mother gives him everything he wants and does not follow through with punishments. They both gang up on me, he has told me to get out of my own home and she will agree with him. I really love my wife and our two children and things couldn't be better when he is not around. I do not know what to do.

 

 

Your wife tells you it's all your fault and you know it's highly unlikely that you are to blame for everything. It's also highly unlikely that your stepson is to blame. You are blaming him for the state of your marriage which isn't fair. You and his mother raised him and had a hand in what he has become. You say it's the mother's fault because she gives him everything he wants but without hearing her side of things we can't know the real dynamics in your family.

 

 

Not saying it's okay for her to spoil her son but sometimes one parent will compensate for another parent's short comings. If you favored your biological children (possibly subconsciously and subtly) over your stepson, your wife may have tried to compensate for that by favoring him. If you were too cold, too hard on him, your wife may try to counter that by being too soft and too easy on him. I'm not saying that's what is happening, there is no way for me to know, I'm just saying that there is more than just your side of the story. In any case it's not up to a teenage boy to create a happy household and happy marriage, it's up to the adults.

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  • 4 weeks later...
BlessYourHeart

I wouldn't blame it all on your step son, but I understand what you are saying. His attitude creates conflicts that cause you and your wife to fight.

 

The thing is, is that you and your wife are to be a team. A united front, and shouldn't side with the children. You should have her back and she should have yours. The fact that she will agree with your stepson that you need to leave the home you created, is a big red flag.

 

You could always show her how hard it is to deal with him on her own, and you and the two boys could move out, share custody.. just a trial separation? I'd also look into help for your Stepson, he may benefit from counseling.

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