Child's mother being unreasonable, completely lost as to how to handle it.

[Keenly]

Hello again.

 

 

My ex and I have a beautiful daughter together. We both love her very much.

 

We share days. Specifically the one in question is I get every other weekend. Friday and Saturday.

 

Last night she asked if I could switch from Friday and Saturday to Saturday and Sunday so that she could take my daughter with her to her sisters house so they could have dinner.I did not respond because I knew it would start a fight. I was right.

 

 

This morning I responded with "if it's all the same, I'd like to keep the schedule. "

 

She proceeded to freak out on me, telling me I'm a horrible father, how her recent ex is better than I am at everything ( she's lying to herself to hurt me with that one) and basically that I'm inconsiderate and a terrible human being and I burn boxes of puppies for fun.

 

 

Maybe not yet last one, but you'd think so with how bad she treats me when she doesn't get her way. Now, I'm not inflexible, I'm just a guy who prefers a plan, a routine, a schedule. She on the other hand is impulsive, does without planning, and spontaneous to a fault.

 

My plans don't matter when she wants to change dates. Usually I just go with it. Usually it's not a big deal. Last week she asked for the same switch and I agreed. This week she asked for me to have her midday instead of Tuesday, no problem. But this time I have plans on Sunday morning that aren't child friendly. In fact it's the same thing I've been doing every Sunday for 6 plus months, and she knows this.

 

I offered the compromise of I pick her up from school early Friday, we have a few good hours, I'll drop her off at her sisters house so they can have dinner and she can bring her back for bed when they are done. She didn't accept that compromise.

 

My question is how do I deal with such an irrational human being? She loves to fight and I don't. She likes drama and I can't stand it. She fights dirty and I fight rationally. We just don't mix with disagreements, and she likes to start them first thing in the morning.

 

 

Right now my only recourse is to established scheduled court ordered visitation, but I can't believe I have to do that when we could just keep the schedule we already have and not fight. At least that's my idea of happiness.

 

Any advice? For this situation or the future ones where she freaks out and calls me a terrible father because I want to switch to the schedule?

 

Thanks in advance. Sorry for any autocorrects.

[d0nnivain]

Other than your preference for schedules, why are you objecting to the change? If you have a good reason like plans fine. If you are just doing it to be contrary, adjust the schedule. Bargain with her for something you want -- a longer weekend next time, a schedule change of your own, etc.

[Keenly]

Other than your preference for schedules, why are you objecting to the change? If you have a good reason like plans fine. If you are just doing it to be contrary, adjust the schedule. Bargain with her for something you want -- a longer weekend next time, a schedule change of your own, etc.

 

The argument itself is irrational.in nature, as I'm very flexible and almost always change days for her convenience because it doesn't bother me. This time.though, we're meeting early in Sunday and I can't accommodate her change. She took me saying no as some kind of disrespect or something.

 

We have an established schedule, soon to change as she starts more schoo. The issue is that she will try and alter the schedule. Very frequently. And usually at the last minute. This time I got about 30 hours notice, which is rar. Monday for example, she called me at work to change the day on the day of.

 

She usually asks for changes 3 hours before the scheduled time is supposed to take place, which I see as careless and a lack of foresight.

 

Usually like I said I roll with it. This time I said no, and she started calling me names, a horrible father, etc. Etc.

 

 

I didn't say this. But I feel like she has 23 days out of the month that she could have dinner with her sister, who lives like 4 miles away, but she chose a day that is my day, and that I wouldn't agree makes her mad because I didn't submit to her will.

[writergal]

Hello again.

 

 

My ex and I have a beautiful daughter together. We both love her very much.

 

We share days. Specifically the one in question is I get every other weekend. Friday and Saturday.

 

Last night she asked if I could switch from Friday and Saturday to Saturday and Sunday so that she could take my daughter with her to her sisters house so they could have dinner.I did not respond because I knew it would start a fight. I was right.

 

 

This morning I responded with "if it's all the same, I'd like to keep the schedule. "

 

She proceeded to freak out on me, telling me I'm a horrible father, how her recent ex is better than I am at everything ( she's lying to herself to hurt me with that one) and basically that I'm inconsiderate and a terrible human being and I burn boxes of puppies for fun.

 

 

Maybe not yet last one, but you'd think so with how bad she treats me when she doesn't get her way. Now, I'm not inflexible, I'm just a guy who prefers a plan, a routine, a schedule. She on the other hand is impulsive, does without planning, and spontaneous to a fault.

 

My plans don't matter when she wants to change dates. Usually I just go with it. Usually it's not a big deal. Last week she asked for the same switch and I agreed. This week she asked for me to have her midday instead of Tuesday, no problem. But this time I have plans on Sunday morning that aren't child friendly. In fact it's the same thing I've been doing every Sunday for 6 plus months, and she knows this.

 

I offered the compromise of I pick her up from school early Friday, we have a few good hours, I'll drop her off at her sisters house so they can have dinner and she can bring her back for bed when they are done. She didn't accept that compromise.

 

My question is how do I deal with such an irrational human being? She loves to fight and I don't. She likes drama and I can't stand it. She fights dirty and I fight rationally. We just don't mix with disagreements, and she likes to start them first thing in the morning.

 

 

Right now my only recourse is to established scheduled court ordered visitation, but I can't believe I have to do that when we could just keep the schedule we already have and not fight. At least that's my idea of happiness.

 

Any advice? For this situation or the future ones where she freaks out and calls me a terrible father because I want to switch to the schedule?

 

Thanks in advance. Sorry for any autocorrects.

 

Record every single incident like this. Try to keep your communication with her via text or email so that the conversation and the tone is documented. Otherwise, you're stuck with she-said/he-said and no proof if the conversation was just verbal. If you keep track of the communication digitally, then you can always go before a family court judge with the documented communication to support your stance, which is that you have a schedule and a life too, and that it's unreasonable for your ex to expect you to drop your plans, to accommodate hers.

 

Stand your ground as much as you can with her. Yes, she is your child's mother but that doesn't mean she's necessarily rational. It sounds like she's very entitled and tries to take advantage of you when she can, and play victim. Yikes.

 

I think the only way to deal with irrational people is to remain consistent with your words and actions, no matter what threats she makes against you. Oh, and detach yourself from her emotionally if you can, when she makes her empty threats. She's trying to intimidate you to do what she wants whenever she wants it. I think the compromise you made for Friday was perfectly reasonable. She didn't like it because it was reasonable, and because it wasn't her way. Right?

 

10 Ways to Deal With Irrational People

[candie13]

consistency is best when being forced to stay in contact with people who are not reasonable.

 

understand yourself

first of all, start with yourself: understand what your flexibles and your non negotiables are.

 

break the fighting pattern

Ideally, when it comes to interactions, stay facts focused and do not get into discussions. why is she telling you about her ex? it's her own business. Gently ignore anything that is not linked to organizing at best both your lives around your little girl, while keeping an open attitude. She seems to love provoking and hurting you. Well... she can't keep up a fight on her own. I think if you change your communication style and stop reacting / responding, it won't fuel up the fight. Any fight.

 

try some subtle manipulation

it's hard to get out of that negative spiral, but do not react. I think your attitude is good.

 

next step is to understand what her weaknesses are. Some women are vain. some women want to feel worthy or the best of moms... Try to understand how to best approach her to soften her down, appealing to those feelings, instead of fighting and striking back. I think if you get out of this "fight" mood, stay rational and understand exactly which buttons to press to smoothen the relationship, you are gonna be fine.

 

Not sure if it will make all your problems disappear, but for sure, the RS with your daughter's mom will be easier to live... take... she can't be mad at you forever, if you don't fuel this vicious circle.

[Keenly]

This incident has been all on digital mediums it's good there.

 

 

She does play victim a lot, but when she does it she always insists that I'm the one playing victim, she says sarcastic snarky backhanded things implying that. As she's doing it. Who knows what's really.going through her mind.

 

 

I've detached myself emotionally from her, but if we are being honest the things she says to me, specifically about being a bad parent, really do hurt, no matter.how detached I am. I love my daughter to the end of the earth and to hear her mother tell me I'm just a useless deadbeat sperm donor, that that is all I amount to in her and my child's life, just hurts. It hit me like a truck that that is all I am to her.

 

 

I wish I had a partner in this, the being a parent thing. So far it's just been me. I don't even have the child's mother to teach me thing. That's another thing she brought up is that I suck at doing parent stuff, but I told her to educate me rather than insult me about it. She works with kids, I've had zero child experience before my daughter. She condescends to me about it.

 

I try not to fight back because this is the game she plays but how.many times should I get kicked before I get up and fight back?

[SammySammy]

Record every single incident like this. Try to keep your communication with her via text or email so that the conversation and the tone is documented. Otherwise, you're stuck with she-said/he-said and no proof if the conversation was just verbal. If you keep track of the communication digitally, then you can always go before a family court judge with the documented communication to support your stance, which is that you have a schedule and a life too, and that it's unreasonable for your ex to expect you to drop your plans, to accommodate hers.

 

Stand your ground as much as you can with her. Yes, she is your child's mother but that doesn't mean she's necessarily rational. It sounds like she's very entitled and tries to take advantage of you when she can, and play victim. Yikes.

 

I think the only way to deal with irrational people is to remain consistent with your words and actions, no matter what threats she makes against you. Oh, and detach yourself from her emotionally if you can, when she makes her empty threats. She's trying to intimidate you to do what she wants whenever she wants it. I think the compromise you made for Friday was perfectly reasonable. She didn't like it because it was reasonable, and because it wasn't her way. Right?

 

10 Ways to Deal With Irrational People

 

^^^ This.

 

Stick to the judge's orders.

 

Document everything.

 

Keep all communication short and cordial.

[Keenly]

On the order right now I'm listed as 0 percent visitation, as that's what we agreed to in the beginning ( I didn't handle being a father well at first, but that's long since past) and for the past year it's been " normal " schedules.

 

I called the court and asked for information because as soon as she threatened to not let me.see her as some kind of punishment for not bending to her will o was ready to go to court to get that percentage closer to 30 percent.

 

 

I've never missed a single dime of Child support. I've always been there when I'm needed. I always stick to my scheduled days, except once when my dad was visiting and I hadn't seen him in 8 years ( she freaked out about that too)

 

She will add days, take away days, do whatever she wants, but if I asked to have her on a day that we didn't schedule as mine I get a resounding no.

 

My daughter lights up when she sees me.and we have so much fun together.I told her she would be punishing our daughter, the innocent victim, in order to make me feel bad.

[writergal]

On the order right now I'm listed as 0 percent visitation, as that's what we agreed to in the beginning ( I didn't handle being a father well at first, but that's long since past) and for the past year it's been " normal " schedules.

 

I called the court and asked for information because as soon as she threatened to not let me.see her as some kind of punishment for not bending to her will o was ready to go to court to get that percentage closer to 30 percent.

 

 

I've never missed a single dime of Child support. I've always been there when I'm needed. I always stick to my scheduled days, except once when my dad was visiting and I hadn't seen him in 8 years ( she freaked out about that too)

 

She will add days, take away days, do whatever she wants, but if I asked to have her on a day that we didn't schedule as mine I get a resounding no.

 

 

Then your first order of business is to increase your child visitation rights to as much as 50%. Take the emails/texts as your evidence of her threatening you to change your plans to suit hers, and get a public defender to help you with arranging a court date. You are your daughter's father and you deserve a balance of power. Your ex should not have all the power in this dynamic. That's not going to help you when your daughter gets older, if you are legally at a 0% visitation. Get that number increased as soon as possible, so that you take back your power as a father. You are a good guy Keenly. You need the courts to give you visitation rights.

[Keenly]

Then your first order of business is to increase your child visitation rights to as much as 50%. Take the emails/texts as your evidence of her threatening you to change your plans to suit hers, and get a public defender to help you with arranging a court date. You are your daughter's father and you deserve a balance of power. Your ex should not have all the power in this dynamic. That's not going to help you when your daughter gets older, if you are legally at a 0% visitation. Get that number increased as soon as possible, so that you take back your power as a father. You are a good guy Keenly. You need the courts to give you visitation rights.

 

Pretty much the plan so far. Except the 50 percent will be closer to 30, as that's all I can maintain at this present time, and I'll be letting them know I don't want child support decreased based on decreased custodial parent time.

 

My support pays for my daughters monthly tuition with a little extra, so I prefer to keep it that way.

 

 

Other than that I just need to know how to deal with irrational in your face arguments. I've tried being nice. I've tried ignoring it but that's hard when your honor is being dragged through the mud right before your eyes.

[candie13]

This incident has been all on digital mediums it's good there.

 

 

She does play victim a lot, but when she does it she always insists that I'm the one playing victim, she says sarcastic snarky backhanded things implying that. As she's doing it. Who knows what's really.going through her mind.

 

 

I've detached myself emotionally from her, but if we are being honest the things she says to me, specifically about being a bad parent, really do hurt, no matter.how detached I am. I love my daughter to the end of the earth and to hear her mother tell me I'm just a useless deadbeat sperm donor, that that is all I amount to in her and my child's life, just hurts. It hit me like a truck that that is all I am to her.

 

 

I wish I had a partner in this, the being a parent thing. So far it's just been me. I don't even have the child's mother to teach me thing. That's another thing she brought up is that I suck at doing parent stuff, but I told her to educate me rather than insult me about it. She works with kids, I've had zero child experience before my daughter. She condescends to me about it.

 

I try not to fight back because this is the game she plays but how.many times should I get kicked before I get up and fight back?

 

K, you cannot count on her for that sort of help.

 

Learn to separate the two:

1. organization matters

2. educational matters

 

As she is not helping you out, I suggest you cut her out from any matters linked to educational matters as long as they don't interfere with organizational matters.

 

get empowered on educational matters

You want to be a better dad? Ask your mom. Read books. Join groups, get that information outside. I understand that your first instinct is to fall back onto her, emotionally, when it comes to raising your daughter. Don't. She is using this situation to hurt you. I am sorry about this.

 

stay matter-of-factual with her

Unfortunately, you are on your own. I understand how frustrating it must be for you, but really, stop all conversations about anything else related with when, where and how you're seeing the little girl.

 

understand toxic relationships

Every time you respond poorly to her, even if she's asking for it, you are actively destroying your relationship with your daughter's mother. That is your part of responsibility. And doing anything else is bad parenting. Don't do it

 

Remember that while she may do all the right things, her actively destroying her RS with you is the worst act of deservice she can do to her little girl. And by playing along, you are being a poor parent yourself.

 

The little girl only sees and hears you two. You two are her role model in life, that's how she thinks two people who love eachother are supposed to act.

 

find the middle ground

I think you have a really tricky situation in front of you:

 

1. show consistency, almost as if you were training a dog:

- Stand your ground on your non negociables and be consistent about it. That means, if Sundays are off, she needs to understand that unless there's a matter of life and death, Sundays are off. Make extra sure that if she pressures you or gives you a hard time, you are not giving in, because that is encouraging bad behavior

 

2. use the negociables, to be able to build that relationship and smoothen the corners

- remember that ideally, you want her in your team. Really. She is the mother, she had enormous power, you do NOT want to piss her off consistently. Use the negociables - other days within the week or whatever else she wants - to soften the pill for standing your ground on the non-negociables.

 

Remember that going to court never did anyone any good and that you two have a child to raise. Unless she is absolutely a nutcase, I would think really hard and even read some books about how to manage and even manipulate toxic / difficult people. You know her. You must outsmart her. This can be an absolutely breakthrough finding for you. Maybe it's allying with her sister. Maybe it's talking to her mom and improving the RS with her family... no one is made out of stone.

 

Keep in mind your bigger goal: the mental and emotional wellbeing of your daughter. And don't let yourself get drawn into any guilt trips, that doesn't do anyone any good.

 

cheers, Keenly

[writergal]

In the U.S., you have to go to family court to increase your visitation rights. I don't think it's possible for Keenly to get his custody increased to 30% without going before a judge.

 

Otherwise, great advice to Keenly.

 

Keenly, have you been to this website for divorced parents? I think it has a lot of great information.

 

Child Visitation - Steps to Handle Problematic Exchanges

 

K, you cannot count on her for that sort of help.

 

Learn to separate the two:

1. organization matters

2. educational matters

 

As she is not helping you out, I suggest you cut her out from any matters linked to educational matters as long as they don't interfere with organizational matters.

 

get empowered on educational matters

You want to be a better dad? Ask your mom. Read books. Join groups, get that information outside. I understand that your first instinct is to fall back onto her, emotionally, when it comes to raising your daughter. Don't. She is using this situation to hurt you. I am sorry about this.

 

stay matter-of-factual with her

Unfortunately, you are on your own. I understand how frustrating it must be for you, but really, stop all conversations about anything else related with when, where and how you're seeing the little girl.

 

understand toxic relationships

Every time you respond poorly to her, even if she's asking for it, you are actively destroying your relationship with your daughter's mother. That is your part of responsibility. And doing anything else is bad parenting. Don't do it

 

Remember that while she may do all the right things, her actively destroying her RS with you is the worst act of deservice she can do to her little girl. And by playing along, you are being a poor parent yourself.

 

The little girl only sees and hears you two. You two are her role model in life, that's how she thinks two people who love eachother are supposed to act.

 

find the middle ground

I think you have a really tricky situation in front of you:

 

1. show consistency, almost as if you were training a dog:

- Stand your ground on your non negociables and be consistent about it. That means, if Sundays are off, she needs to understand that unless there's a matter of life and death, Sundays are off. Make extra sure that if she pressures you or gives you a hard time, you are not giving in, because that is encouraging bad behavior

 

2. use the negociables, to be able to build that relationship and smoothen the corners

- remember that ideally, you want her in your team. Really. She is the mother, she had enormous power, you do NOT want to piss her off consistently. Use the negociables - other days within the week or whatever else she wants - to soften the pill for standing your ground on the non-negociables.

 

Remember that going to court never did anyone any good and that you two have a child to raise. Unless she is absolutely a nutcase, I would think really hard and even read some books about how to manage and even manipulate toxic / difficult people. You know her. You must outsmart her. This can be an absolutely breakthrough finding for you. Maybe it's allying with her sister. Maybe it's talking to her mom and improving the RS with her family... no one is made out of stone.

 

Keep in mind your bigger goal: the mental and emotional wellbeing of your daughter. And don't let yourself get drawn into any guilt trips, that doesn't do anyone any good.

 

cheers, Keenly

[preraph]

You two should work out changes in schedule before a judge and make it legal. Getting started changing schedules is a slippery slope to having to have to much to do with each other! Ask her if she'd like to make a permanent change and have it signed off on, but tell her otherwise for simplicity's sake and for the sake of minimal contact and trying to keep your life organized, you will stick to the schedule. If you want, you can even have it written in that each of you will have three "asks" a year but no more to keep the amount under control. And asking doesn't mean getting. It just means you can't keep bombarding each other with that. Let's face it, two people with lives are never going to be completely happy with their schedule, so that's why you can't open that can of worms.

[Tayla]

Keenly, utilize your rational side. Take your concern to the family courts and get the visitation adjusted. Your daughter is proof that you have a loving bond. The court liaison will note that when you are evaluated . They do that so they can see just how much you are involved as a parent. Your support payments are not an issue at this point, nor should she counter. Point being , things in writing have a lesser chance of being misconstrued. File joint custody so she can't go whacko and take her out of state without your consent. I disagree that you should be the bendable one... You both need to sit down with a mediator. Sometimes action is needed for the long haul to work. Have you considered a court appointed liaison for the first six months? Its a fee based service , they monitor all communication and check to make sure both parents are moving into better behaviors and decisions on visitation. My son kept the guardian ad litem and for 80 bucks a month , he gets all the reports and doesn't have to deal with any phone calls or rants from her. The guardian ad litem calls and works it out if feasible. Its amazing how a third party sets things straight.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've been through this, and still currently go through this crap with my ex.

 

1) What state are you in?

2) Depending on 1), in a majority of states: CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS ARE IRRELEVANT TO CHILD CUSTODY.

3) Repeat: 2) to yourself

 

Depending on your state, I will have to speak generally:

 

1) File a parenting plan or visitation rights depending on your state. Most likely, it will be a parenting plan.

 

2) When filling out a parenting plan, specify the times and dates you want your daughter. Be specific. Think long and hard. Do not **** this step up.

 

After reading this though....

 

On the order right now I'm listed as 0 percent visitation, as that's what we agreed to in the beginning ( I didn't handle being a father well at first, but that's long since past) and for the past year it's been " normal " schedules.

 

I called the court and asked for information because as soon as she threatened to not let me.see her as some kind of punishment for not bending to her will o was ready to go to court to get that percentage closer to 30 percent.

 

 

I've never missed a single dime of Child support. I've always been there when I'm needed. I always stick to my scheduled days, except once when my dad was visiting and I hadn't seen him in 8 years ( she freaked out about that too)

 

She will add days, take away days, do whatever she wants, but if I asked to have her on a day that we didn't schedule as mine I get a resounding no.

 

My daughter lights up when she sees me.and we have so much fun together.I told her she would be punishing our daughter, the innocent victim, in order to make me feel bad.

 

1) What state are you in?

2) Have you already gone to court for visitation?

3) Did SHE file a parenting plan? How do you get 0%? Just being alive and in court on the day of the proceedings gives you more than 0% if you ask for it...

4) Do not associate child support with child custody. At all. Period. Trust me on this. Women try to play this card all the time, it gets them in contempt and you can use that against her to take your child should it every go that far. Example: (Woman says 'I'm not letting him take her because he hasn't paid child support in 2 months!'. You have a court order saying you're supposed to have him that weekend. You call the cops. She is now in contempt and could possibly be prosecuted for KIDNAPPING. Doesn't look good when you go back to family court for custody proceedings.)

5) DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. SAY MOSTLY NOTHING. TAKE IT FROM ME AND MY EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOY. I loved my baby momma. I still do. She hated me. She still does. I'm quite intelligent and can get my point across very easily, but around her, I blubber like a drunk baboon. Because of this, I've had to resort to texts and emails only. I suggest you do the same.

 

I feel for you, I do. But, she lawfully has 100% custody and doesn't have to let you see your daughter at all. She still is however.

 

Unless you get to court and get those court orders showing you having custody on the times she's trying to play games, or trying to adjust her schedule to something outside of what is outlined on those court orders, you have no legal course of action. In fact, she could quite literally never let you see her again, and you can't do **** about it with 0% on the court order.

 

Get your butt to court and get some custody so you can get some of your rights as a father BACK.

[angelcake]

They are correct; visitation and child support are treated as two separate issues and one has nothing to do with the other in the court system.

 

Also, courts are all about facts and what is established. Right now it has been established that you have 0% visitation. So the fact that you get to see your daughter at all makes the mother look like she's bending over backwards to be accommodating and helping to foster a relationship between you and your daughter. Brownie points for her in court.

 

Your best bet is to either try to work out a parenting plan with the mother and have it documented in court, or else petition the court with a proposed parenting plan and try to get it approved. That's where having records comes in; showing that you are being supportive monetarily and spending quality time with your daughter.

 

Sorry but the ball is just not in your court...yet. But you do have the potential to change that and make it a reality. Best wishes to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Keenly, what you need to do IMMEDIATELY is to get yourself a legal leg to stand on. Right now you don't have that, and you are at the mercy of your ex. NOT a place you want to be going forward; not if you want an ongoing relationship with your daughter.

 

If you are in the US, then most judges will give you 50-50 custody with your child. Stop talking about how it won't work with your job. It didn't work with my job either, but I figured it out. Priorities. MAKE IT WORK. She's your daughter; your job (and anything else) is way behind on the list of what matters.

 

Right now you don't have any legal stance to tell your ex anything. That's what you need to fix. And Now.

 

Then, when you have that, you have a choice how to deal with the things you are stating in the thread. In my experience - and I have gone through several years of a divorce and 50-50 custody of the kids - it's to everyone's advantage to work it out. If he needs to change the schedule that was dictated in our divorce, I almost always have no problem with it. Same with him. We work together to co-parent. It's in your daughter's best interest.

 

Fighting with your ex needs to go away, because the only thing that matters is your daughter. If your ex won't work with you, then you need the legal recourse behind you, and you can then just ignore such messages from her if she refuses to work with you. If you do that, and she knows you have the same rights that she has with your child, my guess is that she will come around.

Edited July 24, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[elaine567]

I think it really depends on why 0% visitation was granted in the first place. Has much changed in your situation from a legal perspective?

You, "didn't handle being a father well at first, but that's long since past", OK but the fact is, your child's mother got 100% rights.

 

Whilst you may have stepped up to the plate, in that you now see your daughter, will a court feel confident enough to grant you visitation rights?

I know that as a father you deserve to see your daughter, but no court is going to want to put your daughter at risk, upturning a 0% is I guess a bigger deal, than say going for a change from 30% to 50%.

 

You need to look very closely at your situation and look objectively, is there any reason the court would still agree the child is better off with its mother 100% of the time?

If that is indeed the case, then maybe better not to poke the hornets nest. Better to accept what you have, than lose it altogether.

If you cause trouble and go to court and lose, the mother may get very annoyed and she may decide to uphold the court and give you 0% visitation rights and you would then lose your daughter.

 

Be careful here.

[SammySammy]

Keenly, what you need to do IMMEDIATELY is to get yourself a legal leg to stand on. Right now you don't have that, and you are at the mercy of your ex. NOT a place you want to be going forward; not if you want an ongoing relationship with your daughter.

 

If you are in the US, then most judges will give you 50-50 custody with your child. Stop talking about how it won't work with your job. It didn't work with my job either, but I figured it out. Priorities. MAKE IT WORK. She's your daughter; your job (and anything else) is way behind on the list of what matters.

 

Right now you don't have any legal stance to tell your ex anything. That's what you need to fix. And Now.

 

Then, when you have that, you have a choice how to deal with the things you are stating in the thread. In my experience - and I have gone through several years of a divorce and 50-50 custody of the kids - it's to everyone's advantage to work it out. If he needs to change the schedule that was dictated in our divorce, I almost always have no problem with it. Same with him. We work together to co-parent. It's in your daughter's best interest.

 

Fighting with your ex needs to go away, because the only thing that matters is your daughter. If your ex won't work with you, then you need the legal recourse behind you, and you can then just ignore such messages from her if she refuses to work with you. If you do that, and she knows you have the same rights that she has with your child, my guess is that she will come around.

 

Sometimes that's easier said than done. My daughter turned 22 a few days ago. I drove two states away to spend a birthday weekend with my daughter. My daughter is an adult, about to graduate from college, has her own job and her own place.

 

My ex - who I've been divorced from for twenty years - did everything she could to disrupt our weekend. Some of the things she did were ridiculous. I have not said one word to my ex since my daughter was 14. I've only communicated with my daughter since that time. I don't provoke or interact with my ex-wife at all. Yet, after all of this time, she's still hateful and vindictive.

 

Keenly needs to consistently show he wants to be a part of his daughter's life. He needs to make sure all of his actions are positive, productive and DOCUMENTED in case he has to go to court again (which happened in my situation - I won). But, don't count on less drama from the ex. Unfortunately, he can only control his behavior.

[elaine567]

We share days. Specifically the one in question is I get every other weekend. Friday and Saturday.

 

Last night she asked if I could switch from Friday and Saturday to Saturday and Sunday so that she could take my daughter with her to her sisters house so they could have dinner...

But this time I have plans on Sunday morning that aren't child friendly. In fact it's the same thing I've been doing every Sunday for 6 plus months, and she knows this.

 

I know you are pissed off and feeling frustrated and annoyed, but your position here is not of strength.

 

This could be interpreted by some, as meaning YOUR Sunday plans are more important than spending time with your daughter.

Your ex is providing a nice family environment for your daughter, 90% of the time, and you are ruining things by refusing to be flexible...

 

As your visitation rights ATM are nil, I advice you tread very carefully here.

[Keenly]

I think some of you are taking the ball and running with it.

 

 

My ex is not evil, per s. Just very impulsive and very irrational. She wants me to have a good relationship with my daughter. She's not going to take her away. In fact she kind of needs me in the picture. Which is why this behavior makes no sense at all.

 

This is just the way she is and how she's always been. She's good for about two weeks, she will start a big argument over a non issue, like this, and then three days later all of a sudden it's like nothing happened and she never brings it up again, until the next argument.

 

There is no reason why the percentage is currently at zero. The judge asked asked me what percentage of the time I had her in my custody at 3 months old and my response was zero because that was the truth. My daughter and I didn't start spending regular time together until she was about 1.5 years, but since then I'd say a lot of bonding has taken place.

 

 

There isn't really anything in my life that would prevent me from getting this from the courts should I pursue it.

 

But that's not necessarily the point of the thread. Remember, we are dealing with an irrational person. She doesn't want to keep me from my daughter, she wants me to always say yes to everything she says always drop my plans to accommodate her last minute changes, and she wants feel like she's the better parent because she needs that.

 

This is less about visitation rights, as those haven't interfered really, and while she does threaten to keep her from me, she never does, because like I said in 3 days she is going to instantly forget that any of this ever took place. It's maddening.

[autumnnight]

I know you are pissed off and feeling frustrated and annoyed, but your position here is not of strength.

 

This could be interpreted by some, as meaning YOUR Sunday plans are more important than spending time with your daughter.

Your ex is providing a nice family environment for your daughter, 90% of the time, and you are ruining things by refusing to be flexible...

 

As your visitation rights ATM are nil, I advice you tread very carefully here.

 

I actually see it this way:

 

This Sunday morning things has been a regular, predictable part of his schedule for 6 months, and his ex KNOWS it. HER dinner plans with a sister who lives 4 miles away came up less than two days ago.

 

So she is impulsively asking for HIM to change a known pre-scheduled event for something she can do anytime.

 

Maybe I'm jaded, but I wonder if it was on purpose.

 

Keenly, It sounds like you have a pretty consistent record of going with the flow and being flexible. It sounds like she just flew off the handle.

[Keenly]

I actually see it this way:

 

This Sunday morning things has been a regular, predictable part of his schedule for 6 months, and his ex KNOWS it. HER dinner plans with a sister who lives 4 miles away came up less than two days ago.

 

So she is impulsively asking for HIM to change a known pre-scheduled event for something she can do anytime.

 

Maybe I'm jaded, but I wonder if it was on purpose.

 

Keenly, It sounds like you have a pretty consistent record of going with the flow and being flexible. It sounds like she just flew off the handle.

 

This nails it exactly. I'll go into more detail In a second as I need to clarify the confusion I caused by using visitation and custody interchangeably.

 

 

Custody is at 0%. Visitation is wide ope, subject to our own agreements amongst ourselves. Hopefully that clears some thing up.

 

 

But yes, the quoted is what's happening, and what continues to happen. Since I am a schedule.oriented person, nearly every single aspect of my life is planned at least a few days in advance ( yes, I know. A really exciting way to live life) it's just the type of person I am. She knows this.

 

Her being the exact opposite means I get asked for changes at least twice a month. Usually I'll comply because I don't really do that much throughout the week, so the time changes are pretty much non concerns for me at that point.

 

In this case, and in very few others relatively speaking, the change does in fact affect my schedule. It doesn't matter that my scheduled activity is purely recreational, because I have 4 other people that depend on me being there. She chose a day that she KNEW would interfere with my plans, and I think she chose it on purpose because she wanted to start the argument that happened.

 

She literally does that, that is not just me saying it. I've known her for almost 5 years now and she will intentionally pick fights for the sole purpose of creating drama and " excitement ", a large percentage of the reason we are not together anymore.

 

 

I just don't know how to deal with he, because she is like a brick wall with claws. She doesn't listen to facts, historical evidence of our past interactions, she doesn't follow her own agreements (I have the text that she agreed to Fridays and Saturdays, but during the argument she tried to say it was never Friday and Saturday, even though she sent me the text agreeing to those times) and I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I have a person I'm tied to for another 16 years, and she loves to fight and uses me as an emotional punching bag. Kindness doesn't work, because she flip flops with her attitude so much, regardless of kindness from me. Speaking calmly and logically doesn't work, as when I do she accuses me of playing victim.

 

I have no idea how to quell these earthquakes when she causes them..

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This nails it exactly. I'll go into more detail In a second as I need to clarify the confusion I caused by using visitation and custody interchangeably.

 

 

Custody is at 0%. Visitation is wide ope, subject to our own agreements amongst ourselves. Hopefully that clears some thing up.

 

 

But yes, the quoted is what's happening, and what continues to happen. Since I am a schedule.oriented person, nearly every single aspect of my life is planned at least a few days in advance ( yes, I know. A really exciting way to live life) it's just the type of person I am. She knows this.

 

Her being the exact opposite means I get asked for changes at least twice a month. Usually I'll comply because I don't really do that much throughout the week, so the time changes are pretty much non concerns for me at that point.

 

In this case, and in very few others relatively speaking, the change does in fact affect my schedule. It doesn't matter that my scheduled activity is purely recreational, because I have 4 other people that depend on me being there. She chose a day that she KNEW would interfere with my plans, and I think she chose it on purpose because she wanted to start the argument that happened.

 

She literally does that, that is not just me saying it. I've known her for almost 5 years now and she will intentionally pick fights for the sole purpose of creating drama and " excitement ", a large percentage of the reason we are not together anymore.

 

 

I just don't know how to deal with he, because she is like a brick wall with claws. She doesn't listen to facts, historical evidence of our past interactions, she doesn't follow her own agreements (I have the text that she agreed to Fridays and Saturdays, but during the argument she tried to say it was never Friday and Saturday, even though she sent me the text agreeing to those times) and I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I have a person I'm tied to for another 16 years, and she loves to fight and uses me as an emotional punching bag. Kindness doesn't work, because she flip flops with her attitude so much, regardless of kindness from me. Speaking calmly and logically doesn't work, as when I do she accuses me of playing victim.

 

I have no idea how to quell these earthquakes when she causes them..

 

She may be the greatest person alive but without the legal recourse concerning your custody, all she has to do is change her mind.

 

Lots of guys went into marriages without prenups thinking similar thoughts. Then when she changed her mind on a whim, they lost a lot of stuff.

 

Once bitten, twice shy.

 

Get to court. Continue your relationship with your daughter and with her as it is. But please submit a parenting plan so you have a PLAN B in case she goes irrational longer than 3 days.

 

EDIT: Maybe an example will help? Because this almost happened to me...

 

Mother has 100% custody. She gets her dream job and hunk man across the country. She decided to move and take your daughter with her. With 100% custody, she doesn't need your approval or even to let you know. She can just move and leave.

 

With AT LEAST some custody on an order, she no longer can just leave with your daughter when she chooses to. You have a say. You have rights as her father and with custody (albeit the percentage is unknown, but we're shooting for 50/50).

 

I know you have a handle on things. I know you're level headed. I know you plan **** out. Don't assume. Go to court. That way, if **** DOES hit the fan, you have a backup plan and you get to continue seeing your daughter, regardless of your relationship with your ex.

Edited July 24, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes

[BlueIris]

I’d suggest writing up a proposed parenting plan using the online forms for your jurisdiction, tell her that you’d like to come up with a plan together, especially now that daughter is going to be in school more. Tell her that this plan was what you were thinking and listen to her position. When she disagrees (which she will- so don’t get mad if she does), ask , “ok. I want to work something out that works for everyone. So, what would you have in mind that will work for you and <daughter>?” Don’t force an immediate decision. Maybe suggest that she think about it and say you will too, and that you’d like to talk about it again in a week or two. Put your finger down and work with her on this. You have 12 years to go. Best to work on co-parenting now.

 

In my experience lots of the parents who have an awful irrational bad-guy co-parent are also being war-like, without even realizing it. At minimum, they’re entrenched in good guy/bad guy thinking themselves and that’s VERY hard to overcome internally. Read through the list of names and labels you’ve assigned to her and consider the possibility that you could both adjust your thinking and your interactions. It’s not evil to not like your ex, but own that it might be a two-way street and resolve to shift yourself for your daughter’s sake. Kids. Gotta love 'em. They force us to change even if they don't intend to.