Boyfriends 9 year old daughter suddenly doesnt want to see him.

[Elif]

So my bf was married some 9 years ago and had a kid. They got divorced some 7 years ago or so. The kid has been living with the ex and her new man ever since.

 

After the kid started school a year ago the contact has gotten less and less. (They had also argued about which school the kid should go to). The kid is either sick or.. something comes up... We were supposed to go to the zoo last fall but the morning was rainy.. so when my bf went to pick her up from the exs workplace.. she said the kid cant come because she didnt take anything for the rainy weather for her. (it stopped raining later)

 

He has not seen her for a couple of months. The last time they.. were together nothing seemed abnormal. After that shes supposedly been sick.

 

So my bf is on vacation now and they were supposed to go to the summerhouse for some days.. up to a week.. and before that go to the zoo (along with my bfs younger sister who is a couple of years older). But suddenly the mother says that the kid does not want to go with him and doesnt really want to see him. On the phone the kid just said "I dont know" to everything. The ex said she is trying to get her to go but she will only go to the zoo tomorrow.. nothing else... (they were actually supposed to meet today but he was told yesterday that she doesnt want to go..)

 

 

Does anyone have any experience when young kids are starting to pull away? Could the mother be saying something? Is it a good idea to try to force the kid to spend time with his father? How to stay positive in such a situation?

[Tayla]

Since you didn't mention if they have a court ordered parental agreement. Its best to stay neutral.

 

IF they do have an agreement then she is violating his parental rights for visitation. Sick or not, he is an equal partner in parenting.

 

He needs to contact a lawyer. This is not acceptable co-parenting methods.

[introverted1]

Does the daughter have friends/activities she'd be missing ou ton by spending time with your bf?

 

Has your bf tried suggesting alternate plans -- ice cream on a week night, or breakfast on Sunday, to see if a more limited visit would be welcome?

 

It's not unusual for kids to do this, unfortunately. It is one of the reasons men stay in marriages for the kids, imo. Mom remarries, there is another "dad" in the picture, and the real dad's time is limited to fun outings like the zoo. That works when the kids are very young but, as they get older, they are looking for a different type of connection with their parents and sometimes that connection is hard to build on a visitation schedule.

 

Are you included in the time with your bf's daughter? How is your r/s with her?

[elaine567]

I am a bit worried that she is always "sick", I would get social services or the equivalent involved.

I would worry that she is being abused.

[almond]

I am a bit worried that she is always "sick", I would get social services or the equivalent involved.

I would worry that she is being abused.

 

I think that's quite a conclusion to jump to with so very little to go on.

 

Involving social services at this stage would cause more harm than good in my opinion, as there is absolutely no evidence of abuse. Unless there are any other signs, this would be a terrible idea. Good luck successfully co-parenting after you've called child services on them! This should be a last resort, and there should be a little more to go on before you go accusing people of child abuse.

 

OP, I think the first step would be for your partner to have a civil and honest chat with his ex, and explain that it hurts him to not see the child. He should ask her if she is able to help with this. She may be able to provide some insight and hopefully work with him to get the child more on board with visiting.

[anika99]

So this could have a lot to do with the type of relationship your bf has built with his daughter. How present was he in her life after he split from her mother. If he was a hands on dad that spent time with his kid every single week, and he was reliable, dependable and nurturing then his kid not wanting to see him now would be worrisome.

 

 

However if he was a guy who after the divorce didn't make an effort to stay connected with his kid through consistent weekly visits and he didn't make his relationship with his daughter a top priority then it's not surprising if his daughter doesn't feel much of a need to see him now. If he's a father that only cares to see his daughter every few months or so then he's virtually a stranger to her and she probably feels uncomfortable with his visits. You reap what you sow.