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Changing My Mind On Spankings


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I came up having my butt whooped and used to be one of those guys that swore by them, and knew that I would keep my future kids in line with em as I was kept in line and turned out fine.

 

Fast forward to now, I have a 16 month old son and compared to other toddlers this age seems normal when it comes to just being a ball of mischief and mayhem. I have popped him a few times, usually just one swift pop on the leg or hand with the palm of my hand, but I try to do so sparingly and after a few warnings. It's obvious that he knows a lot of what's right and wrong now.

 

My girlfriend is more liberal with the spankings than I am and is quicker to call for the belt, usually as a warning but won't hesitate to use it if she feels necessary. Usually just a few licks, but something like playing around with an electrical outlet, or being warned about the same thing multiple times in the day may get 4-6 good belt licks to the leg. She may keep the belt close by and warn with it if he is too whiny as she tries to put him to sleep. When she makes her mind up that we have to lay the law down that usually means we are to be more consistent with spanking him. I try to stay away from the belt, if I do resort to it, I try to only do it hard enough for him to feel the discomfort. When me and her aren't around she's even given her teenage daughter the authority to get him when he gets out of line too. I think it should be reserved for the parents only if at all. Her daughter was a different kind of baby and didn't need any spanking btw.

 

Sometimes I have to catch myself as I feel like half the time my popping him is out of my own frustrations reacting to him, and if she is tired and stressed out for the day then his wrongdoing is more likely to be met with the belt. Being someone raised on getting spankings and thought I was for it, but watching her carry out these multiple lick belt sessions is really bothering me and just feels wrong. His inclinations to get into basically everything doesn't stop, and to me he's just doing what a child his age is supposed to be doing. He finds the belt to be a play thing when he's not on in trouble, walking around swinging it saying "no, no." His threshold of pain seems to be kind of high to so you almost need to make it count when you do it.

 

Keep mind that nobody is bruising him up and it's not an everyday thing, but I'm starting to think this parenting style is not the way to go, especially for a 16 month old that's just curious about the world. At this age I feel like it could be damaging to his psyche. I've hinted at this to her and I think telling her straight out would cause her to get defensive, I may bring it up by suggesting some of the things I've been reading online.

 

Down the line as he gets older I can't say I'll be opposed to spanking if the crime is bad enough, but like I said right now I feel like it's too early.

 

Your thoughts?

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GorillaTheater

Hot topic. Spanking threads can get pretty lively, so you may want to buckle up.

 

For my part, I was spanked with everything from Hot Wheel tracks to ping pong paddles. Among the stuff that may have damaged me, I don't know if that would be included, but I do have strong feelings that if you're going to spank, use only your hand and never in anger. Put them in a time out if you have to until you cool off.

 

We have spanked our kids, and I'm not rabidly opposed to it, but we have used spankings only sparingly. With some of our kids, spankings didn't faze them in the slightest and with others, a harsh glance was enough to send them off crying, so no spankings were even necessary. It's good to have lots of tools in the tool box.

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lollipopspot

So basically everyone in the house is allowed to hit this little 16 month old if he's behaving in a way they don't like.

 

I don't think this is good, and I would find other methods. I also think that when he gets to school he may hit other kids who irritate him, and that will be what he has learned at home.

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I know that it is completely possible to raise a child without any hitting whatsoever, and with that in mind can not rationalize hitting a child.

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I was spanked as a child. It was done in a methodical and orderly fashion. Random smacking/hitting never happened.

 

I did occasionally spank my own children between the ages of 2-5. They were always issued a firm NO/warning first and if trouble continued, a light pop on the bum.

I found tone of voice and 'the look' to be most effective over time.

 

The smack on the bum only came for safety purposes. Not to put the kids to bed and not if they were being kids and as such being annoying. :p

 

I am not opposed to a light spank if verbal warnings are ignored but a belt or object to hit is not necessary IMO.

 

Also, if spanking/hitting is happening in order to keep routine or the kid's out of adults hair, then something is amiss.

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loveweary11

I think my dad had spankings down to a science.

 

He'd yell at you, call you over and give you the lightest swat ever right on the ass. It didn't hurtat all, but boy did it ever make you cry and help you remember not to be bad.

 

Then there was my mom who loves the wooden spoon. Never saw her more angry in my life than when she was chasing me around the house, beating me with that thing and she broke it on me!! :lmao:

 

I actually laughed hysterically and she got very mad.

 

Then there was my step father. Waking me up at 4:30am before school to trash my room and throw me around. My friends wanted to jump him with a bat. Huge guy. Abused me terribly and caused me to move out of the house and be homeless as a senior in High school.

 

I'd say my dad's approach was the only one that actually worked.

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DatingDirection

All you're doing is teaching the 16th month to feel ashamed, and feel bad about himself, and to feel fear of you and pain. There are other ways, and even better ways to disaplne a small child. Putting them on time out in their crib, or saying no thank you very sternly. I personally think spanking, hitting of any kind should be banned in every country.

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So basically everyone in the house is allowed to hit this little 16 month old if he's behaving in a way they don't like.

 

I don't think this is good, and I would find other methods. I also think that when he gets to school he may hit other kids who irritate him, and that will be what he has learned at home.

 

Yes I can't quite articulate to her why I don't think she should give her daughter the authority (especially when she's not above a spanking herself yet-not by me of course). But it just doesn't seem right.

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I think my dad had spankings down to a science.

 

He'd yell at you, call you over and give you the lightest swat ever right on the ass. It didn't hurtat all, but boy did it ever make you cry and help you remember not to be bad.

 

Then there was my mom who loves the wooden spoon. Never saw her more angry in my life than when she was chasing me around the house, beating me with that thing and she broke it on me!! :lmao:

 

I actually laughed hysterically and she got very mad.

 

Then there was my step father. Waking me up at 4:30am before school to trash my room and throw me around. My friends wanted to jump him with a bat. Huge guy. Abused me terribly and caused me to move out of the house and be homeless as a senior in High school.

 

I'd say my dad's approach was the only one that actually worked.

 

I was whooped by a step dad from ages 12 to about 15, not as bad as yourself but some of his other actions I still hold a bit of resentment for. I was a good kid for the most part and was had a reasonable amount of freedoms until he came around and pretty much killed it all even once I became legal.

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I know that it is completely possible to raise a child without any hitting whatsoever, and with that in mind can not rationalize hitting a child.

 

^^^This, says it all.

 

My son is proving it every day with raising two children . i think my grand daughter would faint if anyone came near her with physical harm in mind... she simply doesn't fair well when she sees other kids getting spanked at the playground. She cries for them and covers her eyes... its terribly upsetting to see another child harmed... that lil girl has such compassion at her age.

 

So sorry to love weary to hear of that teen memory... you did the right thing by getting away from it.

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lollipopspot
Yes I can't quite articulate to her why I don't think she should give her daughter the authority (especially when she's not above a spanking herself yet-not by me of course). But it just doesn't seem right.

 

Well, if there were any argument for it at all it would be that it's very judiciously used and not in anger (and I'm not saying that I think spanking is a good idea by saying this, just what the most responsible approach would be). You yourself recognize that you are doing it out of personal frustration and not in a way that you prefer. A teenager is even less likely to have good judgement.

 

I'm almost scared to ask if you have any pets, because he's not learning physical restraint from anyone in the house, and I fear that the most helpless being is the one who gets the brunt of it. He'd probably hit the dog or cat if he frustrated - same as what's being done to him.

 

If you sat down with the mom and had a discussion about this, would she be open to it, or is she defensive about her parenting?

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Oh my god! Your gf is hitting her baby on his legs with a belt?! That is disgusting and it's child abuse as far as I'm concerned. He's just a baby for crying out loud. I think even most people who agree with corporal punishment would consider hitting a baby with a belt way over the top.

 

 

It's her job to child proof the house and then supervise him so that he doesn't harm himself. You are correct in that he is just doing what normal babies do. It is natural and healthy for him to explore his environment and to learn by touching. Your gf is both hurting him physically and damaging his psyche. She gives him 4-6 good belt licks? So disgusting, I want to cry for that baby. It's so outrageous to me that anybody here thinks hitting a baby on his legs with a belt is okay. If I knew your gf's name and where you live I would be calling child protective services.

 

 

I too used to believe in spanking and then changed my mind when my children were still small. However I certainly never hit my innocent little babies with a belt. I didn't hit them at all while they were still babies and I definitely never used a belt or punished them for innocent acts like touching things. I wish someone would whip your gf's legs and see how she feels about it then. Your baby is a person, not a possession.

 

 

Loveweary all of us have had wooden spoons broken on us during spankings from our mothers, lol. It's funny because those things don't even hurt and they break so easily.

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Clarence_Boddicker

I don't have kids. I was spanked as a kid. My opinion is that spanking is not needed, if the parents are firmly in control & work as a team. Set rules in advance. Explain why some behavior is not acceptable. Acknowledge acceptable & good behavior. Reward exceptional behavior. Punish bad behavior. Be consistent. Firm but fair. Do not compromise. If bad behavior earns a week of no TV, then no amount of good behavior can eliminate the one week TV ban. One warning is enough. No warning is needed for very serious offenses or repeat offences. Rules & punishment is never up for discussion, other than explaining why the rule is in effect. You commit the crime, you do the time. Most kids can be dealt with like this, if the parents are serious about it. Except for unusual cases, most bad kids are created by bad parents.

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Uh, what the heck!!?! Yes, this is child abuse! Is this for real?

 

Under no circumstances should a 16-month-old toddler be whipped! Ever!!!

 

I'm not completely on the anti-spanking bandwagon, but what you're describing is so wrong. Sorry, OP. Your family needs parenting classes. Hope your GF is able to humble herself and accept help.

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Uh, what the heck!!?! Yes, this is child abuse! Is this for real?

 

Under no circumstances should a 16-month-old toddler be whipped! Ever!!!

 

I'm not completely on the anti-spanking bandwagon, but what you're describing is so wrong. Sorry, OP. Your family needs parenting classes. Hope your GF is able to humble herself and accept help.

 

I know. That poor baby. Everybody in that house is hitting him and he is an innocent naïve little child who must be very bewildered as to why the people who are supposed to love and nurture him are hurting him instead. Hitting a baby with a belt for fussing at bedtime and touching things?!! I just can't get over how cruel and nasty that is. That baby has cruel and nasty parents. I know I'm ranting but it's because I'm so angry and I feel so helpless because the OP is anonymous and I can't report them. That baby is only 16 months old now. I'm afraid to even think how young he was when he started being hit. Way to damage another innocent child OP. You and your gf shoud both be deeply ashamed of yourselves. Your gf has a teenage daughter which means she's old enough to know better unless she has brain damage or something. I've never read another thread here that has made me this upset. Disgusting child abusers.

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anika, I agree, this is horrible. My only hope is that this is a troll thread. What I can't understand is how other posters aren't more outraged!

 

A 16-YEAR-old child doesn't deserve such treatment, much less a weak and innocent baby. There are other ways to parent, and I do agree that good parenting starts young. But physical abuse is obviously not the way. :(:(:(

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Spanking is a poor choice though when we have a mind that can utilize other methods to Discpline and guide . Based on what the OP is conveying , the mother is mimicking what she had learned, we tend to rear our children on how we were raised. Yet the irony is, as parents we also can change those antics into healthier choices of discipline, not harm. Corporal punishment is not discipline. Punishment is: "rough treatment or handling inflicted on or suffered by a person or thing.", which in itself is not what discpline is about.

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anika, I agree, this is horrible. My only hope is that this is a troll thread. What I can't understand is how other posters aren't more outraged!

 

A 16-YEAR-old child doesn't deserve such treatment, much less a weak and innocent baby. There are other ways to parent, and I do agree that good parenting starts young. But physical abuse is obviously not the way. :(:(:(

 

 

 

Me too!! To be fair to the other posters, they did advise the OP to explore other methods of discipline, but it sounded like they were just debating corporal punishment but totally missed the part where the OP stated the child is just 16 MONTHS OLD and he's being hit with a BELT. It's like he said "me and my gf physically abuse our baby. Is that okay?" and the other posters said "perhaps you should consider maybe not abusing him but if you really want to then just don't do it in anger"...LOL. It looked surreal to me.

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OP, you are so damn lucky that you're anonymous. If I had any identifying information for you or your GF, I'd be making a report right now. This is not okay and I'm flabbergasted that you even need to ASK if this is okay. I'm utterly furious right now.

 

Your child deserves so much better than you and your GF.

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A 16-month-old is not developmentally able to draw any useful "lessons" from "spanking" (or hitting or abuse or violence, as I would call it). See Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now To Stop Hitting Our Children

 

"Spanking" is ineffective and causes aggression and other side effects. And that;s just open hand "spanking'; the extended belt whipping sessions you are describing are horrifying. Why (on earth) are you allowing your gf to do this to your child? Is your gf the child's mother? I hope not as it will be easier to protect him; if she is the child's mother, you have even more work ahead of you.

 

It is imperative for you as the father to protect your child from harm and abuse (whether by his mother, your gf, or anyone else) so please make sure to do so. No more belt whippings; in fact, for this poor tortured child, no more physical discipline if any sort. Get the whole family into social services and counseling.

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Fleur de cactus

If i was you neighbor i could report you. A belt for a baby ? What is wrong with the mother ?

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whichwayisup

A 16 month old toddler should not be smacked, or be whipped with a belt! WTF.

 

Time outs work. Distraction works. Saying NO to the kids is okay. Letting the kid have a melt down is okay. Explaining to them why touching an electrical outlet is dangerous is the way to go here and also baby proofing could prevent an accident from happening. Electrical outlet covers do exist.

 

A parent who is pissed off and frustrated needs to remove him/herself from the situation, calm the F down,take a time out for themselves instead of reacting by smacking their kid.

Edited by whichwayisup
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TaraMaiden2

I can't even.... My god.

You selfish, cruel, violent bast**d.

Yes, you.

You hit your little son, and stand idly by while your GF gets to enact her sadistic feelings on her own child - and permits her teenage daughter to do it too?

 

A Belt?? For chrissakes!!

 

This is despicable.

I'm actually putting you on ignore because if this is the level of morals you have, nothing you ever say in the future, other than "My GF's Case comes up next Tuesday" is worth my reading...

 

I apologise to my fellow members for the uncharacteristic strong language.

My opinions are known: From guns to hands, any act of violence towards another person, to exert unfair and dominant control over them, is unacceptable.

Against a child, it's utterly despicable, not to say potentially criminal.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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I was spanked occasionally as a kid. I don't think it was really necessary for me, because I would take a harsh word or look pretty seriously, and getting spanked felt like too much. But some kids I knew were such lunkheads that I can see how spanking might be the only way to get their attention. It's hard to say. When you let yourself cross that line, you have to think about why you're really doing it. Is it for the kid or for you? It better be for the kid, and maybe you should check your own emotions before you decide.

 

It's obvious when you look around that many parents completely fail at discipline, and some of those are the ones whose jaws drop in horror at the idea of spanking a child. Well, fine, but if you aren't going to spank them, then at least make sure your bite is worse than your bark. My jaw drops in disgust at the sight of a child working over a parent.

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TaraMaiden2

Yeah, a 16-month-old kid is really good at doing that.... :rolleyes::mad:

 

I never smacked my kids and they're two, well-adjusted, wonderful, independent and stunningly level-headed individuals.

Musta been something to do with the (non-violent) approach we used...

 

It's is possible you know....

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