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24 YOF too co-dependant on mom. ?


aloneinaz

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There's plenty of people on this site who have good opinions on many subjects. I'm also hoping maybe someone here has dealt with this issue before and came up with something that worked.

 

 

My GF's 24 YO daughter is extremely co-dependent on her Mom. She's lived on her own off/on for the past few years w/room mates or families that she baby sat their kids.

 

 

Her issues are she has no motivation. She's lazy. She indicates that she's depressed and has ADD. She can't manage money at all. She was 80lbs overweight. So, she totally got upside down financially, her car broke down and the family she was living w/asked her to move out. She had no where else to go so she moved into my home where my GF also lives. Her Mom took over her money management to teach her AGAIN. Her problem is she doesn't have any real friends, no BF and as such is depressed and self medicates by spending $ and coping with food.

 

 

She moved in here 6 months ago and was suppose to be here for a month or two. Her Mom and I got her set up with a therapist, psychiatrist and weight watchers. She has lost 30lbs and has been exercising some. But that's where she stops. She only addresses 1 facet of the areas she needs to address. She's a complete slob which is why the family asked her to leave but she didn't admit that to us. She's VERY lazy. While she works long days, she comes home and stairs at the TV for hours before bed. She does the same thing on the weekend. She'll sit in her room all day both days and stair at the TV vs. doing something productive. She doesn't exercise on the weekend nor work on addressing her other issues or take any initiative to do anything around this house unless asked. She continually has the bedroom she's staying in looking like a bomb went off despite both of us ragging on her. She still doesn't have a car but uses her Mom's car often and then her Mom uses mine.

 

 

My GF and I have rarely fought in our almost two years together until this has happened. I keep telling my GF that she's enabling her and NOT holding her accountable. Her daughter when challenged immediately blames her depression, ADD and starts crying saying she just wants to give up vs. saying "your right, I need to stop being so lazy and put a much better effort into taking charge of my life". When talking to her about these things it's like your talking to a 13YO. It's like she stopped maturing at that age. She's gotten comfortable here and will be content to stay here for as long as she could.

 

 

Now, I'm sure she has some depression due to where her life is at 24. She has been put on an anti-depressant. Where I struggle is she never misses work, will go out immediately with a friend when asked (which is rare) and will do anything we invite her to do with us. She goes out shopping and all the other things people her age do. Only when she gets held accountable for being lazy, not doing a better job finding opportunities to meet new people, exercise more, do more around here, not be the total slob she is does she play the depression card and plays to her Mom's sympathies. I keep tell her Mom that some of what she's saying may be true but.. she's also playing you like a piano so she can keep getting away with it.

 

 

Anyone have anything similar to this and what strategies did you do to get the child to take ownership of their life, grow up and be a mature adult?

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she works- theres a plus.

she does things when asked-theres a plus

she has shown effort in losing weight- theres a plus.

she entrusts her parent- theres a plus

she takes her meds - theres a plus.

 

So aside from the negative terminology of calling her behavior lazy, and considering her the problem, try this. Establish adult rules and take steps to ensure she understands and works towards accomplishing them while in your home. Plants like manure in growing... people...not so much. So accentuate her positives instead of labeling her .

 

Sorry that its creating stress in your relationship, what has your gf got to say about this current living arrangement? Has she acknowledged your viewpoint?

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Her mother agrees with my assessment of her daughter. She KNOWS her daughter needs to do a much better job of taking charge of her life to achieve her independance and fully address all her bad habits that have put her in this place. Her Mom also has battled her about her poor cleaning habits her whole life w/out success.

 

Her Mom is very stressed out about her daughters plight. She's a great, loving Mother but agrees she's probably enabled her for too long. She tries to be firm and straight forward w/this girl but when the girl is held accountable for her not doing enough or much of anything to address her issues, then she melts down, cries and makes excuses. At times I think this girl just needs more tough love. My GF knows her daughter has lived here too long and is just as tired of her BS as I.

 

I'm just looking for what others have done in helping kids like this find some motivation to break their bad habits, push themselves out of their comfort zones and address their issues so they can get on their feet and be happy, independant kids w/out leaning on their Mother for everything.

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encourage. listen. direct. and sometimes set goals . thats a viable method. Consider that her potential is there. Utilize it without the negativity.

 

Has she been spoken to as a contributing houesehold member? Sometimes when we treat people like adults they grow into it.

 

I think you may be expecting her to be at a particular place in her adult life. Ask her if those are her expectations too?

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she works- theres a plus.

she does things when asked-theres a plus

she has shown effort in losing weight- theres a plus.

she entrusts her parent- theres a plus

she takes her meds - theres a plus.

 

I couldn't agree with Tayla more...

 

Here's my 2 cents:

 

- This girl works and tries to lose weight > I don't see laziness here. I know tons of people who go straight for the TV after work. Nobody calls them lazy?

 

- When you got into a relationship with mother, you signed up for her kid as well. There's no complaining after.

 

- You have an extremely negative attitude towards this child, calling her lazy. You know nothing about her upbringing, or the things she might have gone through.

 

- Money management is something you get TAUGHT by your parents. If it doesn't happen, or a child is spoiled, situations like this occur. Do not blame it all on the kid.

 

- ADD is serious. I have it. I take supplements to suppress attention deficits. My parents made the mistake of continuously calling me "extremely smart but lazy" and "never wants to stick to one thing" without doing any digging into ADD or (in my case) high IQ. You should not brush this off as lazy. Here I am at 28 and I just NOW am slowly becoming independent of my dad's money for the FIRST time.

 

- It's none of your business she doesn't have a bf, or many friends. You are not her social keeper. I have had periods of YEARS witout bf or without multiple friends. So what?

 

IMHO, you just don't like her living with you. period. And you have the right to not like her living with you. It's your home and you are not the biological parent, nor did you adopt this child. But let me tell you this. If you keep this negativity up, the mother is ALWAYS going to choose her child. They will move out together. OR, in a scenario where the mother is just as negative as you, the child moves out without any further help from you and the mom, and then you two will have caused another troubled person in this world, who is at this point perfectly functional.

 

I honestly despise all the parents who talk about their children as if they didn't raise them. I believe in you reap what you sow.

 

There's nothing wrong with this girl.

Edited by SerCay
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I couldn't agree with Tayla more...

 

Here's my 2 cents:

 

- This girl works and tries to lose weight > I don't see laziness here. I know tons of people who go straight for the TV after work. Nobody calls them lazy?

 

- When you got into a relationship with mother, you signed up for her kid as well. There's no complaining after.

 

- You have an extremely negative attitude towards this child, calling her lazy. You know nothing about her upbringing, or the things she might have gone through.

 

- Money management is something you get TAUGHT by your parents. If it doesn't happen, or a child is spoiled, situations like this occur. Do not blame it all on the kid.

 

- ADD is serious. I have it. I take supplements to suppress attention deficits. My parents made the mistake of continuously calling me "extremely smart but lazy" and "never wants to stick to one thing" without doing any digging into ADD or (in my case) high IQ. You should not brush this off as lazy. Here I am at 28 and I just NOW am slowly becoming independent of my dad's money for the FIRST time.

 

- It's none of your business she doesn't have a bf, or many friends. You are not her social keeper. I have had periods of YEARS witout bf or without multiple friends. So what?

 

IMHO, you just don't like her living with you. period. And you have the right to not like her living with you. It's your home and you are not the biological parent, nor did you adopt this child. But let me tell you this. If you keep this negativity up, the mother is ALWAYS going to choose her child. They will move out together. OR, in a scenario where the mother is just as negative as you, the child moves out without any further help from you and the mom, and then you two will have caused another troubled person in this world, who is at this point perfectly functional.

 

I honestly despise all the parents who talk about their children as if they didn't raise them. I believe in you reap what you sow.

 

There's nothing wrong with this girl.

 

 

I appreciate the feedback from both who contributed to this thread. Both of you have made some key points. I do wonder why both of you are so offended w/me using the word "lazy"? Pls educate me as to what a non negative word to use in describing her un-motivated behavior?

 

 

Yes, me and my GF have tired of her living w/us past 6 months when she was only going to be here for a month or too. She's become complacent and comfortable here. Why am we tired? She doesn't show any respect towards my home but is continually being a slob and not listening to her mother or I in keeping her room clean or cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. There's been far too many conversations w/her on this subject for her not to correct this poor behavior IMO.

 

 

I'm not judging her current social situation but rather describing it as an overview of her mental state as a result of it. I've been a huge advocate in helping her thru this period.

 

 

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you suggesting there's nothing wrong with this girl. I think you're to close to this situation in what your described you've gone thru. Most people learn from past mistakes in what's caused there issues. The then put in the hard work to address the problems to put them behind them once and for all. Sitting and watching mindless TV for 3-4 hours each night and for 16 hours each weekend IMO isn't helping her broaden her social network. Not taking advantage of all this free time to do some additional exercise, read some self help books, set some goals, look for a new roommate and a car or other productive things to help get her on track is not demonstrating a strong desire to fix this on her part.

 

 

She takes absolutely NO initiative in doing anything on her own. She wants everyone to fix her for her. Her Mom has to direct and push her to do anything. She won't do it on her on. YES, her Mom is questioning where she failed as a mother that her daughter is in this spot at 24.

 

 

Back to the reason I started this thread. I'm looking for advice or ideas on how to further help this good kid get to WANT to take ownership and direction of her life and lose her co-dependent behavior towards her mom.

 

 

To further point out my obvious frustration w/her and my shortcoming in being descriptive of this situation is not helping. I get the comments, agree w/some of them but let's talk about ideas to help this kid.

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Alone in az,

 

My problem with the word lazy is that it doesn't apply...she is working and functional.

 

Here's my advise:

 

- Start treating her like an adult

- For a while, do not mention her mess in the kitchen, we've all had a roomy like that. Stop cleaning her room. Keep the door closed.\

- Get to know her. Let her mom do social outings with her and have a bit of fun together, and TRULY get to know the person she is. And to find out WHY she is depressed in a friendly way. There's always a story. Guessing doesn't do the trick. Show true interest in her person.

- Instead of a shrink, look for a life coach, someone who helps people look for what they want from life.

- If she likes pets, buy her one and tell her that it's her responsibility to take care of it. It will bring love and joy in her life. Which I believe she needs right now, since you and you gf are not acting from a place of love but from a place of annoyance.

- Start eating healthy as a family, eat at the table together at night and join her on her diet. The best weight loss successes are achieved as a family.

- Stop managing her money. Make her pay a fair amount for food and rent every month and be firm about this. She can eat and stay, but has to pay for it. All other things she does with her money, she should know for herself.

 

See where things go from here, I think she will brighten up. Sometimes people need a little push to find out who they are for themselves.

 

Honestly, I think you are going too soon. This girl isn't ready at all to be living on her own. My guess is that her mom has been very protective when she was growing up, that's why she likes it in mom's home.

Edited by SerCay
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I couldn't agree with Tayla more...

 

Here's my 2 cents:

 

- This girl works and tries to lose weight > I don't see laziness here. I know tons of people who go straight for the TV after work. Nobody calls them lazy?

 

- When you got into a relationship with mother, you signed up for her kid as well. There's no complaining after.

 

- You have an extremely negative attitude towards this child, calling her lazy. You know nothing about her upbringing, or the things she might have gone through.

 

- Money management is something you get TAUGHT by your parents. If it doesn't happen, or a child is spoiled, situations like this occur. Do not blame it all on the kid.

 

- ADD is serious. I have it. I take supplements to suppress attention deficits. My parents made the mistake of continuously calling me "extremely smart but lazy" and "never wants to stick to one thing" without doing any digging into ADD or (in my case) high IQ. You should not brush this off as lazy. Here I am at 28 and I just NOW am slowly becoming independent of my dad's money for the FIRST time.

 

- It's none of your business she doesn't have a bf, or many friends. You are not her social keeper. I have had periods of YEARS witout bf or without multiple friends. So what?

 

IMHO, you just don't like her living with you. period. And you have the right to not like her living with you. It's your home and you are not the biological parent, nor did you adopt this child. But let me tell you this. If you keep this negativity up, the mother is ALWAYS going to choose her child. They will move out together. OR, in a scenario where the mother is just as negative as you, the child moves out without any further help from you and the mom, and then you two will have caused another troubled person in this world, who is at this point perfectly functional.

 

I honestly despise all the parents who talk about their children as if they didn't raise them. I believe in you reap what you sow.

 

There's nothing wrong with this girl.

 

 

Well to be fair to the OP the "child" in this situation is a 24yr old adult. ADD is real but it's not actually a reason to not be self sufficient and independent as an adult. My own 2 kids were completely independent by the age of 20 and my youngest son has ADD.

 

 

However I do agree that this girl does not appear to be lazy. She works long days full time, she works out, she helps out around the house when asked. She spends her free time in front of the tv including the weekends. That sounds like she is battling depression or emotional issues. No healthy 24 yr old actually wants to spend their weekends locked in their bedroom watching tv. That doesn't indicate laziness, it indicates depression.

 

 

If the mess in her bedroom is not actual filth, like dirty dishes and old food, then close the door and don't worry about it. Her messy room isn't hurting you or your house.

 

I think that if the goal is to help the girl overcome her issues then perhaps you need to be more patient and understanding. If the goal is just to get her out of your house, well that's easy. She has a job and she can go pay for room and board somewhere else. Just ask her to leave. Overall she doesn't sound like a bad person to me though.

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]Well to be fair to the OP the "child" in this situation is a 24yr old adult.[/b] ADD is real but it's not actually a reason to not be self sufficient and independent as an adult. My own 2 kids were completely independent by the age of 20 and my youngest son has ADD.

 

 

That's where a lot of my frustration comes from. She's 24, not 18-20. She has copious amounts of time to do some further self improvement in the specific areas that are causing her depression. Her Mom and I are both happy that she's continuing to lose weight through Weight Watchers. We make sure she goes to the weekly weigh ins and meetings.

 

 

In my un-professional opinion, her weight is what's caused much of her issues and un-happiness. She became un-happy after HS and started self medicating w/food and packed on all that extra weight. This then snow balled her un-happiness. She was so big that she had obviously no attention from boys. Some of her "friends" kind of disappeared as well since they didn't want to be seen with a "fat" friend. In her Mom's defense, she has been trying to get her to change her horrible eating habits, join weight watchers and exercise for the past 3 years but the girl had no discipline to do it. When she moved in here, it was MANDATORY that she did this as a condition of living her.

 

 

][/b]

However I do agree that this girl does not appear to be lazy. She works long days full time, she works out, she helps out around the house when asked. She spends her free time in front of the tv including the weekends. That sounds like she is battling depression or emotional issues. No healthy 24 yr old actually wants to spend their weekends locked in their bedroom watching tv. That doesn't indicate laziness, it indicates depression.

 

There's no doubt that a component of her issues are depression. I fully agree with that. She's clearly a high functioning person with her depression though. Things she has to do, she does. I agree. But that's where it stops. She's possesses no discipline, motivation nor desire to PUSH herself forward further. If she reaches a point of being un-comfortable, she stops vs. continuing on. These are the things her therapist and us are working with her on.

 

][/b]

If the mess in her bedroom is not actual filth, like dirty dishes and old food, then close the door and don't worry about it. Her messy room isn't hurting you or your house.

 

 

This is what I can't agree with. To allow her to do this IMO isn't teaching her life skills. Her Mom is a very, clean neat and organized person. She's beat on this kid for years w/no luck. Let's also recognize that this trait has caused big problems in her early life. She was already asked to leave one home due to her sloppiness. Her Mom's best friend will no longer let her stay at her house and watch her pets due to her trashing her home too. Her sister won't live with her for the same reason. To allow this behavior in my mind is to enable her. When her car was running, I couldn't get in it. It was like someone emptied a 55 gal can of trash in it. It smelled terrible and was.. you get the picture.. I also understand it can be a trait of a depressed person but.. she was just as big a slob when she was happy thru most of HS.

 

 

][/b]

I think that if the goal is to help the girl overcome her issues then perhaps you need to be more patient and understanding. If the goal is just to get her out of your house, well that's easy. She has a job and she can go pay for room and board somewhere else. Just ask her to leave. Overall she doesn't sound like a bad person to me though.

 

 

She's not a bad kid, what so ever. She's a very pretty girl and if she was at an average weight for her height, she'd get plenty of attention from the boys.

 

 

Our goal is two fold, help her get back on her feet and most importantly, address her demons that have caused these bad habits that's lead her to where she is at 24. I think both her Mom and I have been patient w/her. Again, she was only to live here for 1-2 months or until she found a new room-mate. We've now passed 6 months with no firm exit plan as yet.

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your plans sound valid for helping. So set up a chart and ask that she decides what goals will get her there. Have you all sat down and made a list of reasonable expectations?

 

6 months does seem reasonable to get her re-organized and set on a life of independent living.

 

Her Mom sounds like a good role model.

 

Guiding someone is healthy.

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If she is co-dependent on her mother then there are two people at fault here: the daughter and the mother. Is the mother willing to change her behaviour? Have either of you read any books on co-dependency?

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your plans sound valid for helping. So set up a chart and ask that she decides what goals will get her there. Have you all sat down and made a list of reasonable expectations?

 

 

Yes, but we could do better as well.

 

 

 

 

6 months does seem reasonable to get her re-organized and set on a life of independent living.

 

Her Mom sounds like a good role model.

 

Guiding someone is healthy.

 

 

This was my core reason for becoming frustrated with her daughter and Mom. For the first couple of months, she didn't do ANYTHING. Her Mom had to jump her butt to get going on the weight loss. So, she's done much better with that but fails to address the other areas of concern. She only addressed her weight issue, became grossly complacent in all the other areas like searching for a room mate, a used car or anything else. She sits back and waits for US to push her to do it. No initiative.

 

 

This went on for the past two months w/me GENTLY reminding her Mom that she's getting complacent, isn't keeping her word in the cleaning area or EVER doing anything around here w/out being asked. It's like its easier for her to just live here vs. her Mom having to deal w/her moving out, finding a car and becoming independent again. Less stress for her Mom. I then remind her Mom in a nice manner that she TOLD me she'd only live here for a couple of months yet it's now been 6 months w/no exit plan in sight. At times, I have to fight myself to NOT feel taken advantage of a bit.

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If she is co-dependent on her mother then there are two people at fault here: the daughter and the mother. Is the mother willing to change her behaviour? Have either of you read any books on co-dependency?

 

 

I agree with this and may just look for a book on co-dependency. Ultimately,

the Mom is at fault to SOME level. She's had to deal with her and her daughter by herself for the last 8 years. The daughters Dad isn't in the picture and from what I understand, really never was. Her Mom is a sweetheart. Very kind, sweet and I believe gets manipulated by her daughter when she's being held accountable. The daughter melts down, cry's makes all kinds of excuses for not doing this or that. I've told her Mom she needs to ratchet up her "hard ass" Motherly love skills.

 

 

Thanks for the replies so far everyone. :)

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If she is co-dependent on her mother then there are two people at fault here: the daughter and the mother. Is the mother willing to change her behaviour? Have either of you read any books on co-dependency?

 

One other point.. MY GF's work friend is a TERRIBLE enabler to her 22 YO daughter. She only works like 15 hours a week. Her Mom basically pays all her bills for her w/her money. She pays no rent. Isn't going to school. Her Mom is always pissed cause she lays around all day and doesn't contribute to cleaning the house or other chores. She's not held accountable for it. The irony is she's bitches to my GF about her daughter, but we think she secretly likes her still living at home. I just think she's doing this kid zero favors.

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This went on for the past two months w/me GENTLY reminding her Mom that she's getting complacent, isn't keeping her word in the cleaning area or EVER doing anything around here w/out being asked. It's like its easier for her to just live here vs. her Mom having to deal w/her moving out, finding a car and becoming independent again. Less stress for her Mom. I then remind her Mom in a nice manner that she TOLD me she'd only live here for a couple of months yet it's now been 6 months w/no exit plan in sight. At times, I have to fight myself to NOT feel taken advantage of a bit.

 

I think you've become too involved and need to take a step back and let them work out their own issues. The daughter is well into her adulthood and you've only been on the scene for two years. You don't need to parent another adult. It's not your job to make her lose more weight or be less lazy or be better with her finances. Just let her be. Her mother can try to help her if she wants to, but honestly it sounds like she's keeping her **** together for a person with all the issues that you listed.

 

Can you try to look at the daughter as less of a project that needs fixing and more like an adult tenant in your house? Because she does pay rent or contribute financially (right? I feel like you definitely would have included that in your OP if she were freeloading off of you all these months.) You don't need to spend your time or energy "fixing" another adult.

 

I assume some of your frustrations come when your girlfriend complains about her daughter, and then you jump in and go, "Well here's what you should do..." You try to help but that results in you trying to control the life decisions of another adult. Sometimes you just need to listen and not try to fix it.

 

Also, can you imagine yourself at 24 years old? How open to criticism and direction would you be from some dude that only started dating your mom somewhat recently? I would think you would not be open to that sort of thing at all. Try not to overstep boundaries.

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I think you've become too involved and need to take a step back and let them work out their own issues. The daughter is well into her adulthood and you've only been on the scene for two years. You don't need to parent another adult. It's not your job to make her lose more weight or be less lazy or be better with her finances. Just let her be. Her mother can try to help her if she wants to, but honestly it sounds like she's keeping her **** together for a person with all the issues that you listed.

 

Can you try to look at the daughter as less of a project that needs fixing and more like an adult tenant in your house? Because she does pay rent or contribute financially (right? I feel like you definitely would have included that in your OP if she were freeloading off of you all these months.) You don't need to spend your time or energy "fixing" another adult.

 

I assume some of your frustrations come when your girlfriend complains about her daughter, and then you jump in and go, "Well here's what you should do..." You try to help but that results in you trying to control the life decisions of another adult. Sometimes you just need to listen and not try to fix it.

 

Also, can you imagine yourself at 24 years old? How open to criticism and direction would you be from some dude that only started dating your mom somewhat recently? I would think you would not be open to that sort of thing at all. Try not to overstep boundaries.

 

 

She is not paying any rent and contributes a bit to groceries. I ok'd that as she needed to save up to buy another used car. My frustrations are not based on $. I'm trying to help her get back on her feet. I don't typically engage directly with the daughter about her issues unless the daughter asks. My only interaction with her is when she's not cleaning up after herself.

 

 

Yes, my GF is VERY frustrated with her daughter and would prefer her to be on her own. W/this girls complacency, BOTH our fears are that she'd live here happily until we kicked her out. It's like she refuses to grow up and be independent. It's simply easier for her to live with and be co-dependent on Mom.

 

 

We are trying to get her to find a new female roommate. This we believe would accomplish her feeling better about herself (not living w/mom and her bf at 24) and would provide an opportunity to meet new friends and expand her social circle.

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Lois_Griffin
Also, can you imagine yourself at 24 years old? How open to criticism and direction would you be from some dude that only started dating your mom somewhat recently? I would think you would not be open to that sort of thing at all. Try not to overstep boundaries.

Did you not read the OP? They're living together and the daughter moved into THEIR house. That kind of makes it his business. Especially when the over-indulged 24-year old 'child' leaves a stinking mess all over the house for he and his girlfriend to clean and he and his girlfriend are the ones paying the bills.

 

You'd damn well better believe I'd be 'involved' if I had to put up with this crap from a 24-year old supposed adult who expects me to support them but shows me ZERO respect.

 

Geez. No wonder young people are so screwed up, lazy and self-entitled nowadays. Everyone is so busy falling all over themselves over-indulging them and slapping every medical label they can FIND on them to explain away their unacceptable behavior.

 

Suggestions to get her ass in line?

 

Yeah - a timeline of how much longer she's got to live there before you boot her lazy ass out.

 

See how easy that was?

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Did you not read the OP? They're living together and the daughter moved into THEIR house. That kind of makes it his business. Especially when the over-indulged 24-year old 'child' leaves a stinking mess all over the house for he and his girlfriend to clean and he and his girlfriend are the ones paying the bills.

 

You'd damn well better believe I'd be 'involved' if I had to put up with this crap from a 24-year old supposed adult who expects me to support them but shows me ZERO respect.

 

Geez. No wonder young people are so screwed up, lazy and self-entitled nowadays. Everyone is so busy falling all over themselves over-indulging them and slapping every medical label they can FIND on them to explain away their unacceptable behavior.

 

Suggestions to get her ass in line?

 

Yeah - a timeline of how much longer she's got to live there before you boot her lazy ass out.

 

See how easy that was?

 

I don't know why Lois Griffin but somehow I can't help but wonder if you are a parent or if you have ever known someone with psychological issues before?

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"This is what I can't agree with. To allow her to do this IMO isn't teaching her life skills. Her Mom is a very, clean neat and organized person. She's beat on this kid for years w/no luck. Let's also recognize that this trait has caused big problems in her early life. She was already asked to leave one home due to her sloppiness. Her Mom's best friend will no longer let her stay at her house and watch her pets due to her trashing her home too. Her sister won't live with her for the same reason. To allow this behavior in my mind is to enable her. When her car was running, I couldn't get in it. It was like someone emptied a 55 gal can of trash in it. It smelled terrible and was.. you get the picture.. I also understand it can be a trait of a depressed person but.. she was just as big a slob when she was happy thru most of HS. "

 

So obviously years of trying of harping and complaining and asking and begging has done nothing to change this girls messiness, yet you still believe this is something within your control? It's not. All you are accomplishing by trying to change this bad habit of hers is to drive yourself nuts.

 

 

I was a very messy teenager and young adult too. Getting in trouble for having a messy bedroom was the story of my life when I still lived at home. This continued until I got into my late twenties. At that time I started to be bothered my own mess and that's when I changed. Nothing anyone said or did before that had a hope in hell of making a difference because until the messiness started bugging me, I didn't have a problem with it. The girl isn't bothered by her messy room and so she is not going to change it. She probably doesn't even see the mess at this point, so you are fighting a losing battle here.

 

 

Again, as long as there isn't actual filth and dirt in her room, close her door and put it out of your mind. You trying to control this situation and control her is actually YOU being codependent. You can't fix another person. Either the girl wants to change or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you have to accept that and decide what you are going to do. Either put up with her or kick her out. The choice is yours.

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"This is what I can't agree with. To allow her to do this IMO isn't teaching her life skills. Her Mom is a very, clean neat and organized person. She's beat on this kid for years w/no luck. Let's also recognize that this trait has caused big problems in her early life. She was already asked to leave one home due to her sloppiness. Her Mom's best friend will no longer let her stay at her house and watch her pets due to her trashing her home too. Her sister won't live with her for the same reason. To allow this behavior in my mind is to enable her. When her car was running, I couldn't get in it. It was like someone emptied a 55 gal can of trash in it. It smelled terrible and was.. you get the picture.. I also understand it can be a trait of a depressed person but.. she was just as big a slob when she was happy thru most of HS. "

 

So obviously years of trying of harping and complaining and asking and begging has done nothing to change this girls messiness, yet you still believe this is something within your control? It's not. All you are accomplishing by trying to change this bad habit of hers is to drive yourself nuts.

 

 

I was a very messy teenager and young adult too. Getting in trouble for having a messy bedroom was the story of my life when I still lived at home. This continued until I got into my late twenties. At that time I started to be bothered my own mess and that's when I changed. Nothing anyone said or did before that had a hope in hell of making a difference because until the messiness started bugging me, I didn't have a problem with it. The girl isn't bothered by her messy room and so she is not going to change it. She probably doesn't even see the mess at this point, so you are fighting a losing battle here.

 

 

Again, as long as there isn't actual filth and dirt in her room, close her door and put it out of your mind. You trying to control this situation and control her is actually YOU being codependent. You can't fix another person. Either the girl wants to change or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you have to accept that and decide what you are going to do. Either put up with her or kick her out. The choice is yours.

 

I get what your laying down and I'm not try to control her. What I am doing is setting expectations that she needs to live by. If she can't, then she's going out the door. She's 24 years old and as you said, an adult. I'm not going to ever accept shutting a door and dealing with it. Not going to happen. She can move out w/her Mom before that happens.

 

 

Sorry to sound harsh.

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I agree with this and may just look for a book on co-dependency. Ultimately,

the Mom is at fault to SOME level. She's had to deal with her and her daughter by herself for the last 8 years. The daughters Dad isn't in the picture and from what I understand, really never was. Her Mom is a sweetheart. Very kind, sweet and I believe gets manipulated by her daughter when she's being held accountable. The daughter melts down, cry's makes all kinds of excuses for not doing this or that. I've told her Mom she needs to ratchet up her "hard ass" Motherly love skills.

 

 

 

 

I'm not surprised to hear any of that.

 

 

It's unfortunate that you can't really do much. It's up to your girlfriend to change how she deals with her daughter. If she doesn't do that then there will continue to be problems with the daughter even after she leaves your house. If nothing changes, can you deal with it? That's the question to ask yourself.

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I get what your laying down and I'm not try to control her. What I am doing is setting expectations that she needs to live by. If she can't, then she's going out the door. She's 24 years old and as you said, an adult. I'm not going to ever accept shutting a door and dealing with it. Not going to happen. She can move out w/her Mom before that happens.

 

 

Sorry to sound harsh.

 

 

Doesn't sound harsh to me. It's your house and you have a right not to live with slobs.

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littleplanet

My, how times have changed.

I recall younger years.....being a slob, broke-ass, unmotivated - and all the rest of it. I recall knowing many people my age who did this as well.

One big difference:

 

We didn't do it at home.

Um....we moved out - to do all that.

 

And why was that? Because we all knew damned well that this sort of behavior would never go down at home.

So we took our lumps on the way to growing up enough to stop being lazy slobs, and got on with life (with the elders' blessings.)

..........from a comfortable distance.

We weren't add-ed, aided or abetted by anyone to anything different.

 

OP, you must love your GF an awful lot to put up with the nonsense.

And it is nonsense.

 

There used to be this thing: social pressure. You had the choice to become a dead-beat. But all the good people worth knowing would gradually begin to shun you like a leper.

So.....in the interest of self-respect, and yearning for some kind of a reasonably decent social life, you stopped being a dead-beat.

And if this sounds ridiculously impossible, then I'd wonder that the sins of the mother weren't all over that daughter's shoulders.

Have we become so insensitive and myopic that we've forgotten the ways and means of challenging someone we care about, to actually make the changes in their life that serve their own interests? (and yes, ours as well.)

 

I left home at the age of 16.

Not to rebel, or be cool, or anything else.

I left because I had to.

And from that moment onward, I was the captain of my own ship.

Not because I thought that was cool....but because there was really no other choice. It was sink or swim. And after floundering around for awhile, instead of drowning.....I eventually made it to the shore.

On my own. By myself.

(with a little help from me friends)

 

It sounds so easy. It wasn't, actually.

But what helped me immeasurably, was that there were standards.

That I respected.

(which, um.........leads eventually to self-respect)

 

I was lucky.

No-one slapped an ADD label on me - for being nothing more than lonesome and depressed. They expected me to learn how to stop doing that.

So I did.

 

24 is adult.

Which means - exactly that.

Not dependent.

Not eternally stuck on 13.

Adult child is an oxymoron.

There has got to be an awful lot of shame inside a person who is 24, and a decade behind their lifeline.

Shame isn't there just to turn your cheeks crimson.

It's your own damned conscience telling you to get a move on.

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My, how times have changed.

I recall younger years.....being a slob, broke-ass, unmotivated - and all the rest of it. I recall knowing many people my age who did this as well.

One big difference:

 

We didn't do it at home.

Um....we moved out - to do all that.

 

And why was that? Because we all knew damned well that this sort of behavior would never go down at home.

So we took our lumps on the way to growing up enough to stop being lazy slobs, and got on with life (with the elders' blessings.)

..........from a comfortable distance.

We weren't add-ed, aided or abetted by anyone to anything different.

 

OP, you must love your GF an awful lot to put up with the nonsense.

And it is nonsense.

 

There used to be this thing: social pressure. You had the choice to become a dead-beat. But all the good people worth knowing would gradually begin to shun you like a leper.

So.....in the interest of self-respect, and yearning for some kind of a reasonably decent social life, you stopped being a dead-beat.

And if this sounds ridiculously impossible, then I'd wonder that the sins of the mother weren't all over that daughter's shoulders.

Have we become so insensitive and myopic that we've forgotten the ways and means of challenging someone we care about, to actually make the changes in their life that serve their own interests? (and yes, ours as well.)

 

I left home at the age of 16.

Not to rebel, or be cool, or anything else.

I left because I had to.

And from that moment onward, I was the captain of my own ship.

Not because I thought that was cool....but because there was really no other choice. It was sink or swim. And after floundering around for awhile, instead of drowning.....I eventually made it to the shore.

On my own. By myself.

(with a little help from me friends)

 

It sounds so easy. It wasn't, actually.

But what helped me immeasurably, was that there were standards.

That I respected.

(which, um.........leads eventually to self-respect)

 

I was lucky.

No-one slapped an ADD label on me - for being nothing more than lonesome and depressed. They expected me to learn how to stop doing that.

So I did.

 

24 is adult.

Which means - exactly that.

Not dependent.

Not eternally stuck on 13.

Adult child is an oxymoron.

There has got to be an awful lot of shame inside a person who is 24, and a decade behind their lifeline.

Shame isn't there just to turn your cheeks crimson.

It's your own damned conscience telling you to get a move on.

 

 

Thanks for the replies so far everyone. I know this is a complicated matter and issue that has no easy resolution.

 

 

My GF understands and is recognizing more now that she's culpable in some of this girls co-dependency. She's a loving mother with a huge heart. She feels "bad" that this girls father has been absent from this girls life and is a real POS. Her second husband (girls step father) was also not good to this kid and contributed to her low self esteem. I know she feels like her mother didn't defend her enough to her ex-step father. As a result, she's over compensated in allowing too much of this behavior from her daughter. We had a long conversation about my belief that's she enabling her daughter too much. While she agrees with this, she also is worried that her daughter will "give up" and hurt herself or kill herself. I think she's catastrophizing her thinking. I'm gently suggesting to her that SHE has to be firmer in holding expectations and accountability with her daughter or nothing is going to change. I bought a book suggested to me by several people on co-dependency for her. The woman at Barnes and Noble said it's THE book to help in situations like this. Now the hard part is my GF has to follow thru with reading it and making changes.

 

 

Her daughter and I had a "come to Jesus" meeting a few days ago that included her Mom. We all sat down and discussed the situation. I made it CRYSTAL clear that I would NEVER accept her slob behavior in my home. I also made it clear to her that it was horrifically disrespectful to me and her Mom while we are trying to help her get back on her feet and allowing her to live in my home for free to save $. The daughter agreed it's a big problem for her and she's trying to address it. I made the point that this is been going on for years yet she's not valuing her mothers opinion in not addressing it. We also discussed that this negative behavior has already caused her to lose her last place she lived at as the family asked her to leave their home as a result.

 

 

I'm letting things settle down for a few days and then will address an exit strategy with her Mom with a deadline for her to be out of this house. My GF has a lot on her plate with long days and stress. I really think it's easier on her to simply let the daughter live here vs. all the work it's going to take to get her back out, back on her feet. I need to stay on her so SHE doesn't continue to be complacent with this situation.

 

 

Littleplanet-

 

 

I get what you're saying. You and I are clearly from a different generation. I was told to leave my house in my late teens. I was making plenty of $ to live on my own and was being greedy and staying there to have more $ to spend. My Mom said "oh hell no".. It's time to leave the nest and stand on your own two feet. I moved out. Like all kids that age, I struggled with $ to pay my bills. I lived paycheck to paycheck. I went days of eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cause that's all I had in my apartment. But I learned from the experience and it made me a better person. It allowed me to understand the importance of managing a budget.

 

 

This generation of kids has had everything given to them. The don't understand the value of money and what it takes to earn it. They do feel entitled and expect their parents to do everything for them. They want everything NOW and don't want to work for it.

 

 

My neighbor is a great guy. He has two middle teen boys in HS. He is recovering from a brain tumor and is on disability. I see him out mowing his yard, struggling. I help him. We've gotten to know each other well. I one day asked why his kids are not out there doing the yard work. He actually looked horrified at the suggestion. He said they are both great students and he'd rather have them in the house studying. He made other excuses for them as well. He then bought one of the kids a used car. I've never seen those kids take the trash can to the street nor do anything else around that house. And, we wonder why are kids are turning out the way they are..

 

 

As I mentioned before, this is becoming such a huge problem for many parents. It doesn't help that my GF's work buddy has a 21-22 YO in the same boat. As I mentioned, this kid is also simply complacent in living w/her parents, working 15 hours a week, not doing much around the house unless asked and expecting her Mom to pay most of her bills. Her Mom bitches to my GF all the time about it but never addresses or corrects the behavior from her daughter. My GF thinks her Mom still likes her home, living w/her.. What's sad is she's not recognizing how bad this is for her daughter.

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I agree with some of the others. Hell yeah after a long a$$ day I'm going to relax and watch some TV or surf the web. I don't see an issue with that. I'm 26 and sure don't feel like doing anything after being away for 11-12 hours and forcing myself up early. Plus, you need to realize not everyone is a career person. Some people work to live. I think people put too much emphasis into needing to have a huge career. Not everyone does. The only real issues I see here are your GF's daughter needing to take steps to be on her own again. She HAS lived on her own for a few years, so it's not like she lived with mama till 25 type of thing. She made some stupid decisions, everyone does and it could be MUCH worse. It sounds like she might benefit from having a counselor or something. I admit I am not the neatest person in the world. I am busy and away most of the time, but my husband and I live with our own messes because we're not in someone else's house anymore.

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