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Sleeping with Parent?


optomistic_nonsense

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optomistic_nonsense

Hello!

 

So, in my personal opinion, this is just odd to me and not normal behavior...

 

My ex husband and I have joint custody of our five year old son (soon to be six), although my husband and I are with my son 60% of the time.

 

Lately, my son has been telling me that his (bio)father asks him to sleep with him at night.

 

This sleeping-with-dad thing seems very strange to me. I feel like it's unhealthy and just wrong. This may just be a matter of opinion here but does anyone else agree (or disagree)?

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Initiated by the kids -- mom/dad I'm scared / had a nightmare can I sleep with you seems OK.

 

 

Initiated by the adult seems off to me.

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optomistic_nonsense

I had the same sentence go through my mind - if it was my son asking, ehh...ok, whatever. Still think he's at an age where he needs to sleep in his own bed. Initiation by dad....hmm...weird.

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Initiated by the kids -- mom/dad I'm scared / had a nightmare can I sleep with you seems OK.

 

 

Initiated by the adult seems off to me.

 

 

I agree with this, but also to the OP.. you have to remember that it is a 5 year old telling you his Dad is asking him.

 

If your Son told you he wanted to sleep with his Dad and initiated it I'm sure your Son would feel you would tell him to not do it..

 

Keep it all in perspective..

 

If your exhusband has always been a decent Dad then why would he stop now ?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I do not think a child should be coerced to sleep with a parent for the parent's preference (unless there are some extraordinary reasons, for instance medical need).

 

I do think it is perfectly fine for a 6 year old child to want to sleep with his parent, and harmless to do so at the child's preference.

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SycamoreCircle

Is it possible the ex-husband feels that sleeping together strengthens their bond? If I was sharing custody of my child with an ex-wife, I'd be a little insecure about my relationship with my child.

 

I know as an adult, I think back fondly on sleeping with my mother. Of course, I was asking to do it. But if I had a child, I would find it a peaceful, loving proposition.

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Modern society rules verses cultural society rules. Hard to decipher.

 

Some folks reside in one room abodes. Some folks have modern luxury to afford separate living arrangements. If the young person has been accustomed to a particular method of rest, then most will be accepting of it in terms of a habit.

 

We are talking strictly sleeping and not other odd rituals.

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pureinheart
Initiated by the kids -- mom/dad I'm scared / had a nightmare can I sleep with you seems OK.

 

 

Initiated by the adult seems off to me.

 

Ditto......

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optomistic_nonsense

To Art Critic -

No. The ex has not always been a decent dad. He doesnt spend much time with him. He passes off our son to his mother the majority of the time (which in all honesty makes me more comfortable knowing my son is with his grandmother). Even for the small amount of time we were together when our son was born, going out to play sports with his buddies was of more interest to him.

 

My son almost acted embarrassed to tell me. I dunno. Yeah he's 5, could've been HIM asking to sleep with dad, could be the other way around. If it was in fact dad initiating it, I think its wrong.

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still_an_Angel

If sleeping with his dad was not a practice before, why has it changed? I would look more into it coz it seems strange.

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I know the family courts wouldn't approve of it. I was one who went and slept with parents in storms or just because my sister (roomie) was being a jerk. But if possible, best to try to make kids feel secure even in their own room. I had a hard time as an adult not being afraid at night and partly because I wasn't alone in a room until I was like 12. You have to try to convince them that they're safe in the walls of the home, not just under your wing. I'd ask the kid some questions directly about it and find out as much as you can.

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  • 2 weeks later...
NoMoreJerks
Hello!

 

So, in my personal opinion, this is just odd to me and not normal behavior...

 

My ex husband and I have joint custody of our five year old son (soon to be six), although my husband and I are with my son 60% of the time.

 

Lately, my son has been telling me that his (bio)father asks him to sleep with him at night.

 

This sleeping-with-dad thing seems very strange to me. I feel like it's unhealthy and just wrong. This may just be a matter of opinion here but does anyone else agree (or disagree)?

My current bf's son used to sleep -- even the age of 10, until the age of 11 -- in his dad's bed. It was convenient for his dad because (according to him) he didn't want to get up at night and rush to his son's room every time he heard a little noise. A bit weird, considering that a 10 year old who makes some noises because of a nightmare is not something that you rush off into his room for, to make sure he's not dying or ill or whatever.. but that's just me. My (very doting) parents never did that with me and I am still very much alive and kicking. However, I really do suspect that the real reason was that he felt lonely (when not dating) and so it was convenient to get his kid to sleep in the same bed (and his kid wanted it too, so great, works for both of them!). A lot of parents get into unhealthy habits with their kids to make up for an emotional void (in them, or for their kids) after separation, etc. That stopped when we started dating, as I was obviously not about to share the bed with bf and his nearly teenage-aged son!). His kid is now 11 and acts like a baby, cries during the night because he is on his own and his dad has to get up 3 times a night to put him back to sleep (unless the kid does it on purpose whenever I sleep over). Imagine that. At 5 years of age, it is not too bad/too late. Though if you suspect anything sexual or whatever, you should try to investigate it somehow (without accusing him of anything just yet). Also, sometimes children do the whole 'it was my dad's idea" thing, to legitimize it. Does your son want to do the same with you? Has he ever suggested sleeping in your bed ? If so, maybe he is saying this in order to show that another adult -- his father -- has allowed it, that it was actually HIS idea, so it can't be that bad, and why can't you do the same? At any rate, this is NOT a good thing for your kid, even if there is no "bad" motive behind it. Get it to stop, otherwise your kid will grow up into a teenager who still demonstrates behavioral traits of a toddler.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
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  • 2 weeks later...
fizzylifting

While going through the divorce with my ex, she would consistently invite our 8 and 10 year old to co-sleep with her. She did this to use them as a guard against me and I believe it also created a strong bond between her and them. Another side effect has been that now after the divorce we split custody and the kids always ask if they can sleep with me and I have to say no.

 

So, I think you should consider if your ex is doing this to strike out against you or somehow disrupt the sleeping arrangement at your own home.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I see my kids a few times a week, these past few weeks less since they bene out of town with their mom. My 5 and my 3 yr old sometimes ask to sleep on the bed and I don't mind, I love having them with me.

 

Sometimes I have asked them also, I miss them sometimes, I feel bad sometimes, I feel like im losing out on their life sometimes. I feel like its just a matter of time before they get older and wont want to be with me, or want to spend as much time. The day will come when they will have better/funner things to do with their friends than be with their boring dad.

 

I dont mind letting them lay on the bad watching tv or watching videos on ipad while I doze off.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I wouldn't discuss it with the 5 year old anymore as he might begin to internalize it and feel confused if its wrong or if his Dad is bad, or if he is.

I have heard fathers struggle alot with divorce and he may be feeling guilty for breaking up a home...he may see his child growing up fast and wanting to cling to this time.

Either way soon this child is going to get to that age where he wants his space, and will pull away on his own.

If both of you were living together still and asked your 5 year old to sleep in your bed with you it wouldn't be wrong right? It would be for bonding. Same thing here Id guess

Id let your ex know he brought it up to you.

But unless your gut is telling you otherwise...I think hes still small enough that its ok...and since he doesn't live with his Dad it is likely seen as a sleep over and fun to camp out together for sleep.

He may leave your son with his family for legitimate reasons...for them to get to see him too as they may request that...making it easy for him to run a few errands or find life balance. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with your son necessarily, maybe thats a little harsh, but you livevut so u would know..just an unbiased opinion here.

Women are better it seems running here and there with kids...Dads seem a little more awkward with it as Ive seen in ny circle of friends and the kids.

Women can be better multitaskers at times.

I think its too easy to jump to conclusions that something shady is going on. I think his Dad wants time with him and didn't see the harm. He misses him I think.

Coparenting is about trying to be friends and trying to get along and support the other parent in their decisions and making things light and easy so the kids feel good energy and hence feel safe.

Your both navigating tough delicate waters raising a child not under the same roof. You will both make mistakes or do something the other wouldn't do or disagree with.

Thats ok and natural.

Try and be open and calm and gentle in conversation, its hard on every one but it doesn't have to be hard if everyone just tries. I hope this can get sorted but seems minor imo.

Edited by privategal
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  • 1 month later...
BlessYourHeart

I don't see why isn't a big deal.. unless you feel that your ex husband would do something inappropriate. He could have a hard time adjusting to an empty bed? He could just want to love on his child.

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Maybe the son is clinging on to his dad even harder cuz of the separation...

 

I don't care what other people think, "joint custody" isn't a picnic for the kids. They miss having both parents under the same roof.

 

BTW, I wouldn't raise it with my kid...probably gonna stress out the kid even more cuz the kid might think that on top of the divorce, now more time with dad will be taken away.

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5 yr old? Are you kidding me?! That is total cuddle material and it has nothing to do with divorce or being clingy.

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GunslingerRoland

My 6 year old likes me to lay down with him while he goes to sleep... I don't think there is anything strange about that and I usually oblige him.

 

But I leave him in his own bed once he's asleep.

 

I'm not sure why you would want your children in bed with you... unless it's to do with the convenience of breast feeding that a lot of women opt for.

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You should definitely ask your ex about it. Maybe 'so what son's bedroom like at your place? Is he liking it? Is he having trouble sleeping at night in a different house?' - a non-accusatory way, so you can suss out what's really going on.

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  • 2 weeks later...

To be upfront I am a big supporter of attachment parenting which often includes sharing a bed with the kids.

 

But IMO I like to allow the kids to lead that choice. So if you son is 5 and wanted the extra security sleeping with the parent in their bed I would be find with it. I doubt any kid is going to be doing that into their teenage years. At some point kids want their own bed and room so it works itself naturally. I let dd sleep in the bed because she was afraid of the dark and nightmares. Now she likes her own bed. But she did it when she felt ready.

 

Now I don't believe it should be something the parent pushes for. I also don't believe it should with people outside the immediate family (such as GFs, second wives, etc.). So if it is HE pushing it regularly I would have an issue with it if your son WANTS his own bed.

 

On the other hand if it was a temporary thing such as they went on a vacation (and shared a hotel bed), are moving and didn't set up the rooms yet, etc. then that would be fine to me.

Edited by Miss Peach
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5 yr old? Are you kidding me?! That is total cuddle material and it has nothing to do with divorce or being clingy.

 

My boys are older than this and we still cuddle and watch movies and fall asleep. Not all the time but they still like to be close to momma bear. Could be your ex just says "hey bud you sleeping in here tonight cause I'll put an extra blanket on the bed" completely innocuous. I've asked that question myself because I've got a cover stealer in the family ...a source of snicker fodder ...no weirdness at all. Most of the time the kids wake up and go in their own rooms ... We have healthy boundaries.

 

I'll say this ...pre divorce kids got a certain amount of cuddles in. I find that kids almost need to make up for the deficit of not seeing me when it's my parenting time. They truly have an emotional bank. It's more pronounced the first day of new visitation week.

 

Funny when I go on vacation and the pups go to a dog sitter ...they do the 1000 kisses routine that first day we're back. It's really adorable ...the day after that it's back to a few kisses a day.

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DrReplyInRhymes

Honestly, this is a tough question. I've heard accounts from both sides.

 

Personally, I live in a 1 bedroom apartment. My son is younger than 5yo.

 

I usually read to him or we read a book together and then I hum the tune of "hush little baby, don't you cry" until he falls asleep unless we're having fun and its a weekend, then its usually some fun activity followed by a family movie and falling asleep.

 

He gets the bed when I have him. I sleep on the floor in the living room.

 

Sometimes, if he's scared or something, he'll ask me to sleep in the bed with him, but I haven't been sleeping in the same bed for about 6-9 months now?

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My girls often snuggle up with me and my better half. Nothing like a kick to the `nethers` to get you ready for Monday morning!

 

No big deal. (No they are not in their teens)

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