Teens who are 'good kids'- but they shut me out.

[bebe23]

Basically this. My two teenage daughters are both:

 

 

-A honor students.

 

 

-They have lined up summer jobs for themselves with little help.

 

 

-Our older daughter has been responsible so far with the car we bought her (she's contributing half from her bank account). She drives her and her sister only to school and work.

 

 

-Absolutely NO alcohol or drugs and none of her friends do. They and their friends do wholesome things like movies, horseback riding, kid-type stuff.

 

 

-Neither has had a boyfriend or even a real date (from what I know. These days all socializing is done through texts, so there COULD have been a fledgling flirtation that I don't know of.) Both girls are physically lovely. They wear little or no makeup. My younger daughter is a dancer. They dress modestly for school, Daisy Duke shorts are only for around the house and the beach.

 

 

But in spite of their goodness, I struggle with my relationship with them and how it's changed for the worse. They have a tendency to shut me and my husband out. When they were little, I had this dream that I would be the one my daughters would trust, they could tell me ANYTHING. If they were sad, depressed, stressed, they would talk to me. But they never do- they have each other and their friends. Sometimes, I can get a little out of my older daughter. But my younger one treats me in a tone of disrespect and I can't even ask her about her day, without a cold response. She rarely lets me hug her. It breaks my heart, because she used to be cuddly and affectionate.

 

 

I sometimes don't know if I'm backing off too much and I should force communication- OR if I should 'get off their cases.' I tell them constantly I'm proud of them, I trust their good choices. But they are still only 17 and 15. They still need parental care and guidance.

 

 

I'm just a maid to them now, who makes them meals. In a year, my oldest child will graduate from high school and I am worried it's going to make me a basket case. Is this normal?

[preraph]

The natural progression of going from being a child to being an adult is that you "separate" from your parents. It's a necessary part of becoming your own person. If your teens were still clingy and crying to you about everything, then there would be something to worry about. I'm sure if there was something major they couldn't figure out for themselves, they would come to you for guidance. But you're not their best friend and they're becoming young adults now. So they have to learn to make their own way. You still have to oversee them as much as you can to be sure there are no bad red flags, but this alone isn't a red flag. The good news is they will warm back up to you once they have become an adult and have been out on their own for a few years.

[xxoo]

My teen likes to work out her own problems, which is good, but she still does talk to me about her life in general.

 

I don't ask a lot of questions. In fact, I don't talk much at all! I bite my tongue a lot and just listen.

 

You can set some boundaries that enforce time with you before time with friends. I do that. Sure, you can go sleep over at so-and-so's house, but you have to go grocery shopping with me first. I want to spend some time with you.

 

On the shopping trip, she often opens up, talks about her week and whatever drama is going on, and who is driving her nuts, and who is making her laugh, etc.

 

Don't tolerate disrespect. Call it out, and tell her that you expect her to speak to you with respect, as you speak to her with respect. If my child has plans, she will lose those plans if she's disrespectful. I don't expect perfection, of course. We all get snippy sometimes! An apology and change in attitude can save her plans

 

Also, if you haven't already, get to know their friends! My kid's friends LOVE me, and will welcome me to sit with the group or stay with them while shopping. Then I can hear all their conversations ::::mwahahahaha::::

[turnera]

When my DD was about 12, I told her she could tell me anything and I would never judge her. That she's supposed to make mistakes, WILL make mistakes, and I would be there for her when she did, with NO judgment. No criticism, no 'why didn't you do this'. Those are death knells for relationships with teenagers - they are LOOKING for a reason to shut you out. So if yours did, you most likely showed them in some way you may not even be aware of that you criticized them or judged them. It's a good time to be honest with yourself; if you find that you did, admit it to yourself and to them, and say you don't want to be that way, and ask them to call you out if you do it in the future. That might open a door to them.

 

My DD24 told me recently that she didn't believe me when I told her that, she she was getting at that age where she was starting to not trust me, being 'the adult,' and trust only her friends. But when she did something wrong, I just went to her and said 'I see that this happened. Do you want to talk about it?' and we discussed it and found a solution, and things were better; and she finally believed me that I wouldn't judge her; and she hasn't stopped talking ever since, lol.

[Tayla]

Yes it is normal. Is there things that can be done to rekindle some of the emotional connection? Possibly.

 

Sorry that you are going thru this, Its a rough time to try to still guide them and not lose your place as a parent.

 

As they transistion, they know that you will be there...Remain so, and in time daughters in particular come back in a refreshing way. When we give them wings to fly, they do seem to know where home is.

[Shepp]

Also, if you haven't already, get to know their friends! My kid's friends LOVE me, and will welcome me to sit with the group or stay with them while shopping. Then I can hear all their conversations ::::mwahahahaha::::

 

 

Haha my mum defo found out more about my teen life from my, now wife, than she ever did from me! Maybe that's why she let her stay over all the time

[bebe23]

Thank you for the assurances. I don't think I was ever extremely critical at all to them growing up, I am pretty laid-back as a parent. I guess the relationship is normal and although it is not as close and open as I wish it could be, it should be better when they are older, and in college.

[kylle]

It's normal, teens want space and be able to make their own decisions. There's this phase where we simply don't want our parents to influence us.

 

Anyway, forcing communication is only gonna make things worse. Give them time and respect their choices.

[Mr. Lucky]

When they were little, I had this dream that I would be the one my daughters would trust, they could tell me ANYTHING. If they were sad, depressed, stressed, they would talk to me.

 

That's a nice role you're describing - it's just not the parent of teenagers.

 

They have to reject the structure, common sense and life experience you represent so they can achieve the successes and make the mistakes that shape adulthood. It's common to have them detach and get the feeling you're loosing them in the teen years.

 

The good news is you get them back typically in their early 20's. Career, responsibilities and eventually marriage and family help them understand Mom knew what she was talking about. The closeness often returns and your relationship with them blooms anew. And it's pretty cool to see the people they've become.

 

Be patient, loving and think long-term. The payoff comes down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[barcode88]

Let your teens make mistakes, don't shelter them too much otherwise you're setting them up for failure in life.

[littleplanet]

Thank you for the assurances. I don't think I was ever extremely critical at all to them growing up, I am pretty laid-back as a parent. I guess the relationship is normal and although it is not as close and open as I wish it could be, it should be better when they are older, and in college.

 

As you describe your daughters now, I'd say you did a pretty good parenting job.

Independence and competence come to them naturally. The maturing process is no mystery to them.

 

If you are laid back as a parent - allow yourself to learn to be more so.

It will not be such a long time from now, that you will have two young adults to relate to. As this happens, the more comfortable they can feel relating to you as adults, the better your relationship with them will be. They are well on the way to that.

 

Closeness, and open-ness......are not so automatic. Failing to achieve this does not mean you've failed them in any way.

The growth of autonomy means different things to different people at different ages.

Think of it this way. The more mature they actually are, and become, the more mature they see themselves as......it can be a perfectly natural response in them to be irritated by reminders of "childhood" (because they are no longer children)........yet they aren't fully adults either.

That transition needs elbow room.

 

When I was 16, I was nine tenths adult. That was just a circumstantial thing.

Your daughters are not running wild, acting out, displaying any particular problems. Many parents would be overjoyed to have such kids.

Sometimes, we need to learn how to be secretly proud, and recognize that we cannot play the same role in our kids lives as we once did.

 

This stage of life also commands us to look at ourselves as adults moving beyond the active nurturing stage, not necessary or needed as it once was.

We can stretch our own wings, relax, and move on as well.

Intuitively, I learned young never to define myself only or entirely in terms of being nothing more than someone's parent.

Although parenthood has been the single biggest and most important definer in my life, it must progress along certain growth lines......just as my kids have.

Both my sons fuss over me now (a little bit - and just as I used to fuss over them years ago)......and they are both marvelously adept young men.

They even know the boundaries to that "fussing" (and I know where they learned that from.)

 

Sometimes when kids mature, and it feels like they're maturing beyond their years....they can feel like strangers. This can require a shift in our own perspective.

I achieved a closeness with my father at the age of 29. I rebelled against that very idea before that. I suppose he had the patience to wait it out.

By then, we were to go on to enjoy that relationship for almost 3 more decades.

 

But we don't define our kids.......as kids. We don't raise children. We raise adults. And keeping that certain perspective in mind.....one day they do thank us for it.

After they've gained their own perspective.

[autumnnight]

This is part of the cycle. They are pulling back and trying out their own thinking, their own way of figuring things out, their independence (which for a teen at home is very linked to privacy).

 

It is likely that they will come back around as they exit this phase. My oldest went through this, and now that she is a young adult, she talks to me about pretty much everything again.

 

Teen years are....unique

[Got it]

It's the way. And it's how you will be happy when they go to college!

 

Trust me, I knew EVERYTHING in high school and never went to my parents for advice. They were old and didn't know what they were talking about.

 

The turning point was college, I suddenly realized how good I had it, what the support felt like, and how I missed the cozy nest. Definitely was a turning point in my relationship.

[Emilia]

They will warm to you again OP as the others said. Just make sure you always treat them in an age-appropriate way. I always get on better with my mother when she treats me as an adult. The distance comes when from time to time she tries to reduce me to child level. I'm 42 but she will ask me whether I have savings or live from paycheck to paycheck, tries to buy me a car, etc. I'm doing very well financially and it keeps resurfacing again and again that she wants to see herself as the provider, doesn't really accept that I'm completely independent. So just make sure they don't feel you are trying to keep them down OP. It's obviously important for them to make their own way.