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Ex wife decides everything


Onlyafterdark

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Onlyafterdark

After 2 years of breaking my heart on Ls 18 mnths ago i finally left my wife of 14 years . I now believe i was a victim of her BPD personality, after much advice on Ls thats what conclusion ive come to.

 

Anyway now im out of her life she finds any way she can to still try to destroy me, she moved a new guy in with my kids after 2 nights of knowing him.

Yep nothing i could do about it i know but for me that was way to soon. I met a new lady myself, lovely person, and ive been moving on. She wasnt introduced to the kids for 6mnths.

 

Even though my ex is supposedly happy shes been horrible with my kids, i went to my boss had a rota drawn up best i could so i have my kids 3 days a week.

Tues wed thur for 3 weeks and mon wed fri for the 4th week. I work all the other days so it was best i could do. At xmas she caused a mass scene at my home turned up drinking forced the kids on xmas day to go with her, they had to stay at their nans house whilst her family all got drunk.

My son told me all about it, wasnt nice.

 

Anyway at xmas my days at work changed for one week due to the festive period, i asked if i could alter my days at this point but she turned round and threatened if i didnt pick the kids up normal days dont see them again. Ive done mediation it doesnt work with her ok at the meeting being all concerned mum etc then a real bitch again after. Its like living on eggshells, blocks my kids ipods so i cannot phone them. Doesnt tell me how the kids get on at dentists anything.

 

Only gets in touch when sumerts not going her way, trys to change days on me like now trying to force me to have them wknds even though she knows i work.

Forced maintenance which i feel is unreasonable when i clothe feed the kids at mine. She gets all these benefits rent free etc and has them 1 day extra than me. Really isnt fair !

I dont begrudge paying for my kids before anyone says it.

My son seems like hes scared to tell her anything ask for his haircut etc always asks me and i do it to.

Ive talked to him about his feelings as i know theres something hes hiding but he wont let me in. His behaviour at times is aggressive when hes at mine yet i feel im the loving caring parent somebody shed some light for me at my wits end now !!!

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dancingsunflowers80

Hi @onlyafterdark - I'm so sorry to read that you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are doing your best to protect the kids and be a good dad to them even in this tough situation. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Blessings,

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

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casey.lives

children from broken homes suffer, you're just finding out all the little long-lasting, life-altering ways. Teach your son to express his OWN needs. confidence is the illusive quality divorced children lack.

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I sincerely hope you didnt allow ppl who post here to decide your marital life choices. No one here should be diagnosing someone without a license. Take most comments made with a grain of truth.

 

The x is living her life. Together though there needs to be a more common goal in parenting the children. Is there no communication to achieve healthy choices?

Have you considered counseling? Sounds like you have been carrying the victim stance and need guidance in moving on from that. You sound like a loving father who is protective.

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littleplanet

Well OP,

 

I've never been through anything like this, though I've heard lots of horror stories from people who have.

You have to put aside the big EX on your ex, as best you can. She's still your kids' mother.

Be creative as you can, deflecting as much as you can from your own home life. That is the thing you have control over. At least you get to make that time and space as positive in your kids' lives as you can.

Emphsize on being as actively involved in their lives as possible - during the time frames you're allowed, and in the ways that create as little fuss as possible.

In this way, not only do you remain bonded with them, but also, while they're with you and in your care, they see you and trust you to have their best interests at heart.

 

Marital breakups are tough on kids - but kids are resilient, flexible and astonishingly forgiving. Just go on being the consistent and trusted adult parent in their lives. Long as you love and care about them, and they know it - they will respond. In spades.

 

Focus as little as you possibly can on your ex - her erratic and unfair behavior.....and whatever other troubles she has in her life. Until you can ever achieve a positive co-parenting attitude, it's a dead end, otherwise.

No doubt she's hurting, blames it on you - and this takes time to overcome.

Sometimes, lots of time.

Think on your feet, trust your instincts......sounds to me like you're a pretty decent dad. All to the good.

Go with what you have and can make and keep positive.

If that's all you can do for the present - it can still get the job done.

You still have kids to raise - and you're blessed.

Keep them close to your heart - and keep her as far away from messing with that as you can.

 

The devil may be in the details.....but a little bit of heaven is never too far away. A positive, loving parent is the greatest resource in a kid's life.

Good luck!

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Onlyafterdark

I thanku all for your kind words, this has been the hardest thing ive ever done.

I did try mediation but tbh i had to pay 60 quid a session and couldnt afford this.

But at the mediation it was hard to sit there and hear the lies coming out of her mouth.

Acting all the caring parent it wound me up, plus i decided no matter what i do she will whenever she feels like it stop me seeing my kids.

No matter what i cannot afford to contest anything with her its a dead end for dads, ive read stories googled lots and it seems these ppl can remove contact mess you around whenever they want trust me ive a friend whos spent 13k fighting.

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dancingsunflowers80

Hi @onlyafterdark, just wanted to let you know of a nonprofit that offers free counseling over the phone. It might be worth the call for the professional opinion to help guide you during this time in your life. It's 1-800-a-family. Blessings to you, hang in there.

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

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mrs rubble

I've been in your shoes, my ex fought all the way with our son and custody/access and caused all sorts of grief....he acussed my mother of assaulting our son and my older child of sexually assaulting him (all false allegations that were cleared by the police.) He told our son that I had "stolen" his house and that I only loved my older son, he told our son he was going to kill his older brother.....so you can imagine how messed up the poor kid was!!

I was at my wits end on several occasions, depressed and sometimes suicidal. A really good CBT helped me to look at each issue going on and helped me to find ways to deal with my struggles, she was a godsend.

 

Our son initially lived with me and saw his dad on alternate weekends.

He would come back from his father's place angry, violent and non-compliant.

He used to tell me all (the rubbish) his dad had said to him. It was just awful. I took him to all sorts of counselling and anger management.

He was continuously battling me and saying he wanted to live with his dad, so eventually I said "OK then" and he went to live with his dad,

although it broke my heart to let him go, It was a very peaceful time for me and my older boy!!!

After about a year of living with his dad, he'd had enough of his dad's yelling, abuse and constant drunkeness and one day walked 15km to my house after his dad had abused him (aged about 11). He refused to ever go back and he's only ever goes back to visit with me or his paternal grandfather (who he does visit at least once a week!!)

I struggled with his behaviour for years, but I've remained constant and loving and he's finally turning into a fine young man that I'm so proud of.

 

I hope sharing my story will show you that although you can do nothing about your ex's behaviour, if you remain constant and loving there is a good chance of a good outcome.

Also seek help wherever you can, don't be shy to reach out and talk to people, because you never know what a fresh outside pair of eyes will see.

 

Wishing you the best of luck.:)

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She is just doing what she does best and that is to continue the abuse anyway she can as a way to keep everything under her thumb, under control.

 

It depends on the age of the children and the local laws. In some places children past a certain age can decide where they want to live.

 

There is no way they will emerge from this unscathed ... it's a situation of simply picking the least evil thing and hoping for the least amount of damage.

 

As such, you need to detach from the situation and find a way in which you can live with her existence into your life without going bonkers.

 

PS: I'll state it again.

She will always try to control you, she will try it through the kids ... and the intensity will get higher the more it looks like you are moving on with your life.

Ideally she wants you lonely and miserable ... to get some satisfaction and to also know that she can have you as a backup.

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DivorcedDad123

Although you may not have custody,you CAN give the kids a safe haven when they're with you. Be the one who they feel at ease with,without anxiety,pressure,alcohol abuse,etc.,, One day,they'll figure it all out on their own.

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whichwayisup

My god, take her to court! Hire a PI and gather evidence that she is drinking around the kids and is unfit many of times. Fact is, if she truly is BP, no way should she have final say on everything.

 

How do the kids feel about it all? Are they stressed out and having problems coping? If so, then maybe one solution to think about is family counseling.

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Onlyafterdark

Thanks for the replies guys, the ones about her having control and will alwas want it sound exactly what i thought and my new GF.

My son age 11 has now got more and more angry, it feels to me as though hes protecting his mum. When i say things to him like do you think its fair your mum denies me contact , taking away your ipods etc.

He facetimes her when hes at mine and panics when he forgets. But if i ask is it because mum shouts he doesnt answer. Hes told my mum he wants to run away told her hed like to end his life. Ive been into school spoke to my doctor nobody will help , i have real concerns for him. By the way im in the uk

My daughter age 8 says she wants to live with me says she doesnt feel loved at home, but are they telling me this because they feel its what i want to hear?

Im so confused different advice off ppl

Ive read up on bpd and it says they can manipulate their children too and i see things in my son like her now .

Even tho im not with her im still walking on egg shells even got her new fella txting me with quite subtle threats. I think shes doing to him what she did to me as she claims im abusive txt messaging her. But im bound to get angry when shes playing games with the kids am i right or wrong

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GorillaTheater

My son age 11 has now got more and more angry, it feels to me as though hes protecting his mum. When i say things to him like do you think its fair your mum denies me contact , taking away your ipods etc.

 

I think you need to knock off making comments like this to your kids. Of course he's going to try to protect his mom, because he loves you both and is caught between the two of you. He's a kid trying to navigate terrain that would be hard to do as an adult.

 

Your best bet, both long-range and short-range, is to be the rock-solid, stable, supportive dad who they can come to and feel safe and loved. They'll know who has their best interests at heart, especially over time.

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Thanks for the replies guys, the ones about her having control and will alwas want it sound exactly what i thought and my new GF.

My son age 11 has now got more and more angry, it feels to me as though hes protecting his mum. When i say things to him like do you think its fair your mum denies me contact , taking away your ipods etc.

He facetimes her when hes at mine and panics when he forgets. But if i ask is it because mum shouts he doesnt answer. Hes told my mum he wants to run away told her hed like to end his life. Ive been into school spoke to my doctor nobody will help , i have real concerns for him. By the way im in the uk

My daughter age 8 says she wants to live with me says she doesnt feel loved at home, but are they telling me this because they feel its what i want to hear?

Im so confused different advice off ppl

Ive read up on bpd and it says they can manipulate their children too and i see things in my son like her now .

Even tho im not with her im still walking on egg shells even got her new fella txting me with quite subtle threats. I think shes doing to him what she did to me as she claims im abusive txt messaging her. But im bound to get angry when shes playing games with the kids am i right or wrong

 

First of all congrats on the fact that you are somewhat winning this.

 

Now, about the rest :

- your son - you need to create at your home the safe environment that he needs to express what he feels deep down.

So stop asking him those questions that force him to look at his mother in a bad light.

Boys grow up to be like their dad, to replace their dad and instinctively they will bond and protect their mothers.

He knows his mom is messed up ... but he needs to come to this realisation himself.

What you are doing right now is essentially asking him to 'strike' his mom.

So make at your home the safe environment he needs to eventually express this on his own.

When he is old enough, he will be able to go in front of a judge and say 'i want to live with dad' and the same will be true for your daughter.

- your daughter - girls always bond more with their dad because they grow up to be their mom and instinctively replace them.

As she grows older, her mom will realize that she is not her little avatar, her personality will expand ... and she will become a threat to her mom.

Her mom will try to control her more, and this will push her more towards you.

So long and steady will win this battle further for you.

- your ex-wife - she will continue this stuff, but you need to find a way to detach.

Be 2 personalities ... let her see that she is winning, but when out of sight ... put her out of mind and be that person around your kids too.

And never mention BPD, unless you want her to go full out nuts.

- overall strategy - you might want to start keeping a journal online, with timestamps and all that [on a website so there is no doubt that you did not mention].

Track everything that you can in there, get more involved with the kids teachers, doctors ... etc ...

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Onlyafterdark

@Radu

Yes this does make sense, in my heart i know hes protecting his mum. Its just hard to see

When i know what shes doing if you get me. I went from being a 7 days a week father who stayed at home did everything for the kids to 3 days a week.

She does all the little games, taking their ipods off them i purchased to facetime me etc .

You know those moments im sure other men have had these too when you get angry using the kids as weapons, ive txt messages stating how horrible she is, she then shows my son them. Gets her new fella to threaten me, im trying to be so careful as she is one nasty piece of work, its a hard thing to accept this person i spent 14 years with did so much for time and again i went back to her after she threw me out. Cheated lied etc and yet now im trying to move on and be happy she has to use my children. The system to is so unfair, in the uk they do not pay benefits to both parents, so this means i pay her maintenance, she recieves child benefits, her own wage, her fellas wage, working tax , child tax benefit. Her rent is mainly paid yet i have to struggle by paying all my bills rent etc and have my kids half of the time and pay for then when they are with me its just so unfair. Im at the point maintenance will not listen soon il have to give up the home i had for me and the kids and go live with my mum. Who has only a 2 bed flat. So the reality is my kids will suffer again

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