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texting kids that you miss them


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LifeNomad

my 10 yr old whom lives with her mom and I see a few times a week got a phone a few weeks ago, I text her everday now which is great but it seems to have a double sided effect, although I can keep in contact with her it also makes me miss her more when I hear about the things they are doing.

 

 

anyways, I try to text her sometimes funny pictures or things she can relate to, but sometimes I wanna text her that I miss her so much, that im sorry for not being there, I wanna pour my heart out to her but I don't want to bring her down or make her feel bad or know that her dad is in pain without her and her siblings, I know when shes older she will hopefully reflect and understand things better but in the meantime what am I supposed to do :\

 

 

anyways if anybody has something similar they are going thru and has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

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amaysngrace

Replace "I miss you" with "I love you" and then send her a cute meme of puppies or kittens or something every day but don't make her deal with your emotional pain of missing her.

 

Let her be a kid.

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You never pour your heart out to your kids. That's none of their business and you should keep phone convos light and simple. Everything else would make your daughter feel bad. She'd start worrying about you, and children don't need the burden of having to worry about their parents. You live apart from their mother for a reason, and all you need to do now is make sure your kids are comfortable with this situation. By acting sad, you only make them anxious.

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You never pour your heart out to your kids. That's none of their business.

 

Never?? Unsure I agree with that "never" part. My Mother and I shared many moments of laughter and tears, thru out growing up and into our Adult conversation. That's what bonded us. Now there were somethings that as a Child She refrained from discussing....Luckily in adulthood I would learn of those things, and admire her more for protecting us kids from such things.

 

OP- Its definitely a struggle and I get your burden of not being there. Says alot about your goodness. Glad you found away to keep in touch. Probably gently share in a way that you sure wish you could be there and hope that she finds your silly or short messages a boast to her day. !

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Never?? Unsure I agree with that "never" part. My Mother and I shared many moments of laughter and tears, thru out growing up and into our Adult conversation. That's what bonded us. Now there were somethings that as a Child She refrained from discussing....Luckily in adulthood I would learn of those things, and admire her more for protecting us kids from such things.

 

OP- Its definitely a struggle and I get your burden of not being there. Says alot about your goodness. Glad you found away to keep in touch. Probably gently share in a way that you sure wish you could be there and hope that she finds your silly or short messages a boast to her day. !

 

Not never-never, obviously, but never THAT way.

That's the situation. They live apart. If he's suffering, tough. But he has to deal with it. It needs to feel normal for the kids that there are 2 households. There is a schedule for the parenting time, I'm sure. No need to tell the kid you wish she were with you right now, and how sad you are. He can share different things with her, but not those.

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d0nnivain

She's 10. She's a child. If you pour your heart out to her she won't be able to handle it. Parents are supposed to be sources of strength. Be her rock. Pour your heart out to a friend or here on LS but not your child. Keep things upbeat & cheery for her.

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I think its how its conveyed.

 

Best memories were when my relative called from afar and said, Sounds like your having fun, wish I could be there! Meant alot to me to hear that.

 

I think its okay for the OP to convey it in a joyful way...It gets said and the kid does appreciate the parent for validating that wish.

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LifeNomad

uggh thanks everyone I keep things silly and funny and try to connect with her on her levels but sometimesi want to tell her so many things but Im gonna wait till shes an adult and understands better.

 

 

Have a wonderful day!

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Hope Shimmers

I've gone through this for years.

 

Let her take the lead. If she texts you "I miss you" (and my daughter often does) then reply that you miss her too but will see her soon (always end on a positive). Otherwise keep in frequent contact, tell her you love her, etc.

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LifeNomad,

Yours is one of the most mature, selfless, unconditionally loving posts from a parent on this site! Your daughter is a most lucky young lady.

 

I think...it will be perfectly fine to tell her, in person, "You know, Daughter, I think you are an amazing person and, sometimes, I send you what seems like just a 'jokey' or 'silly' thing...but that's because I remembered, again, how amazing you are and how lucky I am to be your dad and how much I do love you."

 

Her own 'Higher Mind' will know exactly the message you are truly sending. She will get it, and be comforted and strengthened by it. I'm really pretty sure.

 

Wishing you and your daughter all Good and Perfect things.

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I'm in the same situation and it got harder since I moved a tad bit further away. There are times I go over a week without seeing them. It is crushing me and I know it is hard on them.

 

People telling you to keep it light in your texts just have no clue. Just being funny all the time and making it seem like everything is ok will make your kids feel like you are just fine without them. Tell them you miss them all the time and it is hard being apart from them and that you look forward to their next visit.

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I've gone through this for years.

 

Let her take the lead. If she texts you "I miss you" (and my daughter often does) then reply that you miss her too but will see her soon (always end on a positive). Otherwise keep in frequent contact, tell her you love her, etc.

 

If you miss them I dont know why you would wait for them to say it first. Tell them

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I'm in the same situation and it got harder since I moved a tad bit further away. There are times I go over a week without seeing them. It is crushing me and I know it is hard on them.

 

People telling you to keep it light in your texts just have no clue. Just being funny all the time and making it seem like everything is ok will make your kids feel like you are just fine without them. Tell them you miss them all the time and it is hard being apart from them and that you look forward to their next visit.

 

The child in Q is 10 years old. That child is incapable of processing all of an adult's emotional torment. It's fine for a parent to say I miss you once in a while but all the time will make the kid feel like s/he has done something wrong & will try to fix the parent. That is not kid's job.

 

A good parent shelter's their child from emotional harm. They don't pile it on.

 

There is a line between missing the kid & using the kid as an outlet. As long as the OP stays on the correct side of it, things should be OK for the kid.

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A good parent shelter's their child from emotional harm. They don't pile it on.

 

There is a line between missing the kid & using the kid as an outlet. As long as the OP stays on the correct side of it, things should be OK for the kid.

 

When is letting your kid know you are there when circumstances prevent you from being together considered "piling it on"? And a good parent never shelters their kid from anything. My son is 11 and pretty darn smart and he calls me and lets me know that our situation sometimes sucks!

 

Your robotic response tells me you have no business giving parenting advise

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amaysngrace
And a good parent never shelters their kid from anything.

 

Dafuq?

 

It's exactly a parent's job to shelter them from things that they are too young to deal with.

 

Why not just let them be a kid and you be the parent rather than treating them like you're friends? Kids need parents. They already have friends.

 

The tern "age appropriate" didn't just come out of nowhere. It actually has a meaning. You may want to learn about it.

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Dafuq?

 

It's exactly a parent's job to shelter them from things that they are too young to deal with.

 

Why not just let them be a kid and you be the parent rather than treating them like you're friends? Kids need parents. They already have friends.

 

The tern "age appropriate" didn't just come out of nowhere. It actually has a meaning. You may want to learn about it.

 

I knew there would be some holy roller to take that to mean literally everything. Of course I am not talking about exposing them to porn or violence you dim wit. But to shelter them to me means to keep them away from things with no explanation.

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amaysngrace
I knew there would be some holy roller to take that to mean literally everything. Of course I am not talking about exposing them to porn or violence you dim wit. But to shelter them to me means to keep them away from things with no explanation.

 

Ahh...nice. :rolleyes:

 

Here's a thought....when communicating with your child in your straight talk adult conversations maybe try to be more concise so that he doesn't read more into something than you actually intended and cause you to become insulting towards him.

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Ahh...nice. :rolleyes:

 

Here's a thought....when communicating with your child in your straight talk adult conversations maybe try to be more concise so that he doesn't read more into something than you actually intended and cause you to become insulting towards him.

 

Are you using sarcasm on me?

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When is letting your kid know you are there when circumstances prevent you from being together considered "piling it on"? And a good parent never shelters their kid from anything. My son is 11 and pretty darn smart and he calls me and lets me know that our situation sometimes sucks!

 

Your robotic response tells me you have no business giving parenting advise

 

 

There is nothing wrong with telling your child that you miss them or that you love them, but you don't "pour your heart out" as the OP said, to a child. That's like asking a kid to carry your hurt and pain. My mother used to love to pour her heart out to me and as a result I was the one who ended up hiding my feelings and my pain because I felt like I had to make my mother feel better.

 

 

And I don't know what you mean by saying "a good parent never shelters their kid from anything" WTH? That's the very essence of parenting. We protect our kids above all else. As infants we hover over them keeping them safe and as they grow we let them venture more and more into the world at an age appropriate pace. When they are children it is our job to protect them emotionally and physically. It's not their job to tend to our hurts.

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And I don't know what you mean by saying "a good parent never shelters their kid from anything" WTH? That's the very essence of parenting. We protect our kids above all else. As infants we hover over them keeping them safe and as they grow we let them venture more and more into the world at an age appropriate pace. When they are children it is our job to protect them emotionally and physically. It's not their job to tend to our hurts.

 

By sheltering I assume that to mean that you keep them from things without explaining why it is bad or why I am keeping it from them. I.E. certain video games or movies but I explain to them why I feel it is wrong to them. Sheltering to me is ..."you are not going to go here, just because I say so" or in some cases not even letting your kids experience things. For example some parents keeping them from sports because they assume they will get hurt.

 

I will always protect them that is for sure but I don't feel I will keep them sheltered.

 

Also I guess I am not sure what is meant by "pour your heart out to them". I assumed that just meant to let them know you miss them and look forward to seeing them soon. Not that you would curse their mom for putting them in this situation!

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By sheltering I assume that to mean that you keep them from things without explaining why it is bad or why I am keeping it from them. I.E. certain video games or movies but I explain to them why I feel it is wrong to them. Sheltering to me is ..."you are not going to go here, just because I say so" or in some cases not even letting your kids experience things. For example some parents keeping them from sports because they assume they will get hurt.

 

I will always protect them that is for sure but I don't feel I will keep them sheltered.

 

Also I guess I am not sure what is meant by "pour your heart out to them". I assumed that just meant to let them know you miss them and look forward to seeing them soon. Not that you would curse their mom for putting them in this situation!

 

 

Well the bolded is not the dictionary definition of sheltering and I'm pretty sure it's not what any of the posters here meant. The definition of sheltering is: to protect and to keep safe from harm. It's not: to boss and control without explanation.

 

You also seem to be a very black and white thinker who jumps to conclusions. How is there nothing in between "I miss you" and "I curse your mother"? Everyone here knows it's fine to say I miss you and wrong to say "I curse your mother". It's that gray area, that slippery slope, that posters are warning the OP about. It's when you make you children worry about you more than they worry about themselves. It's about not making your kids be your confidant or your therapist.

 

 

Like if you were laid off from your job. How would you tell your kids about that? Would you just tell them the facts and let them know it's okay because you will get another job soon and it will be fine, or would you call them up to tell them that you can't pay your bills and you don't know what you are going to do, and you can't sleep at night because you worry about becoming homeless? It's fine to tell kids what the deal is and to be truthful with the facts, but it's not okay to lean on your kids for emotional support.

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What I meant by sheltering is talking at an age appropriate level to the child. Discussing adult emotions over a divorce with a child is not good parenting.

 

Saying I miss you is fine. Saying I wish we could spend more time together, not so great because it leaves the child with the sense that it's the child's fault that the separation exists.

 

If you have an open relationship with your 11 year old good for you. The OP asked how much he should tell his 10 year old. I think less is more.

 

Kids need their parents to be their rocks. It doesn't mean living in a fantasy land but it does mean that the parent does not try to relate to the child on an adult level before the child is an actual adult.

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I appreciate this topic because I struggle with it everyday. So I understand that I didn't express myself very well at first which is exactly how it goes dealing with not seeing your kids as much as you should. :(

 

The law is so female biased and I feel I should have custody of my kids and not have to explain why that is.

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My daughter go's to my parents every weekend I always call her at 9 every night to say goodnight "I miss you, I love you, Sweet dreams" sometimes i'll say something like "I miss you when you're gone its not as fun here without you!"

 

I find as long as I sound cheerful and positive it's fine my daughter loves to know she's wanted.

 

And i'll spill my guts I have said things like "You're so special to me you're the most beautiful girl in the world and i'll always love you, you'll always be my daughter"

 

She will look up at me smile, flutter her eyes and try to look cuter

 

Just make sure when you say these things you don't say it from a dark place do it with a smile and enthusiasm :)

 

I'll tell my kid I miss her all the time but again its joyful a way even if im really missing her I could cry always joyful then cry later alone.

 

 

This weekend is the long weekend on Monday when my daughters still at my parents I will be missing her hard, and shes there every weekend at the beach I know how you feel it seems I miss a lot and my parents personal friends well they probably think im a myth lol.

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