Tree lover Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 My older FWB got me pregnant eight months ago. I think we must have used defective condoms, but he is not a very nice man. So, I basically had to uproot myself and move back home to get away from him. I'm expecting a little boy and I was very excited until recently. He will not sign adoption papers, and I have a restraining order against him so hopefully he is out of the picture. Now though, I'm getting really nervous about having my son alone. I was wondering if anyone else has been through this. I don't want to raise my son around an abuser. He is very physically violent and sometimes he can be verbally abusive as well. The last time I saw him he kicked my legs out from under me and threatened to slit my throat... It's very scary. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 If you can't provide your son a healthy & loving home, put him up for adoption. You should put his needs above yours. If you keep him, make sure that you go after child support payments. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I was married when I was pregnant with my eldest child. Needless to say, our M broke up when she was 9 months old. It was sad and difficult but that was 22 years ago. You can absolutely do this. I'm happy for you having a baby boy. I didn't care if any of my children were boys or girls. I ended up with 2 of each. It's lovely being a mum. Children are the most beautiful things on earth. Ok. It wasn't easy. But I bought my first home by the time she was 2.5y. And another. Financial security was paramount for me. I was a SAHM until she was 18 months because I wanted to bond with her and breastfed her till she was almost 4yo. After a rocky set of teen years, we are very close. She now has her own DS and is incredibly appreciative of all my efforts raising a child as a SP. She is in a good relationship, so she appreciates my efforts all the more. I joined a great breastfeeding organization in Australia which promotes positive parenting techniques. It was a life saver on so many levels. When DD was 4yo I found a wonderful book that I know changed my life "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen Covey. You and your son are a family. YOU guys will Rock if you can get your head together. You're resourceful. You'll be Fine. Great even. Best wishes Lion Heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) Hey tree lover love your handle. I love trees, really. Anyway im a single mom I had my child at twenty. Hopefully you have a supportive family and if you're worried about money there are various outlets single mothers can tap into I dont know where you're from but if you live in Canada there would be many things I could tell you. And here is something to think about, while the idea of collecting child support sounds nice I gave mine up the father of my child was highly abusive death threats like yours and attempts and when I left I choose not to seek child support I didnt want the window for him to bring violence in my Childs life he was willing to walk away totally because hes paid nothing and its years later with him having zero involvement he wont ever get rights to her. Just saying its something to think about sure its loss of money but in the end what I got out of it was better a happy child and freedom of not being connected to that terror people who haven't been in an abusive relationship might not understand how great a gift it is to have a person like that walk away. If you do live in Canada def drop me a msg if you dont seek out every possible method you can claim money on your behalf. My daughter is eight I started with nothing living in a single room with no job with my baby. Eight years later im working, living in a large flat with our own rooms and many pets and belongings and the money struggles have now ended. If I can do it so can you. Keep family close Edited May 1, 2015 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 If you can't provide your son a healthy & loving home, put him up for adoption. You should put his needs above yours. If you keep him, make sure that you go after child support payments. You need to get as much info with the laws in your country regarding child support. Normally, you apply for child support on the paying parent, meaning you will have to name him as the father of your child on the birth certificate. It might be a catch 22 situation as putting him on the birth certificate entitles him 50% parenting rights. He may choose to be a part of your son's life or even go for 50% custodial rights through the courts. Is he aware of your pregnancy? He can go after you even if you choose not to name him on the birth certificate. Paternity can be obtained through the courts. Again, I'm not sure how things work in your country so get help in getting this info. Please study all your options here, your decision will determine your son's future. If you choose to raise your baby by yourself, is there help from the government? At least for the first year while you nurse your baby or until you are able to earn money yourself? Don't be afraid of being a single mom, its a lot of hard work but you are not the only one. Be strong for your baby. Best of luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted May 3, 2015 Author Share Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) I'm in the US. He knew I was pregnant but the night he told me he was going to slit my throat I ran to my parents' house while he was asleep and haven't spoken to him since. My dad got pretty angry last night because I am considering using my ex's name for my son's middle name. He just started yelling at me about how he can't believe I would even consider using that name for his grandson and where was my head. I didn't think it's be such a big deal, but apparently, I was wrong. I am considering it because I want him to have some connection to his father... I don't think that's a bad thing. I go into more detail about him in the abuse section, by the way. Edited May 3, 2015 by Tree lover Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Given the background of this man, I wouldn't recommend naming him as the father. I understand that you would like your son to have that connection with him but is this really wise? You know he is not a good person, he has threatened you, he has physically hurt and abused you, what good will this be for your son? You should keep him away, as far away as possible. Your father is very angry for a reason, this guy is no good for you or your son, you already have a preview of how he is as a person, and how he will be with you and your baby. This is not good OP, its a very serious matter. Run in the other direction, and keep your baby safe. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I had my sweet little boy on the 10th. Mother's Day he was four pounds 12 inches. He is so handsome! He has a lot of the man who got me pregnant's features, but a lot of people are saying he looks just like me. He sleeps pretty well, and he makes some really cute noises that melt my heart. I am so in love with him. I didn't name the man as the father, but I was told I'm going to probably have to in the future. Part of me wishes his father could see him, but I know I have to keep him safe. I am beyond happy 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I had my sweet little boy on the 10th. Mother's Day he was four pounds 12 inches. He is so handsome! He has a lot of the man who got me pregnant's features, but a lot of people are saying he looks just like me. He sleeps pretty well, and he makes some really cute noises that melt my heart. I am so in love with him. I didn't name the man as the father, but I was told I'm going to probably have to in the future. Part of me wishes his father could see him, but I know I have to keep him safe. I am beyond happy Congrats glad to hear it Im also glad to hear you're giving some serious consideration to what I suggested it is better to have 1 healthy loving parent than an abusive atmosphere just because a dude makes a baby doesn't mean he's going to be a good father. Ps I gave my child her fathers last name because I thought I needed to hold onto some connection as well its eight years later no reason for her to have that name and one of my biggest regrets I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 Luckily, his middle name is David, so it is a pretty common name. That way if there's not a reason to ever say it's his daddy's name I won't have to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 4 pounds and 12 inches sounds significantly premature... Is he OK and healthy? What's his prognosis? I want to talk about the "father" issue a bit. You seem to have this wistful feeling that you want your son to have some chance of a connection to his father, however please be careful to separate your fantasy of "a father for your son" from the reality of who this sperm donor really is. When you think of your son having this connection, you are probably wishing for some kind of a positive influence on his life, an image that will fulfill something, so that he doesn't have an empty space where you imagine that "father" to be. However, you need to understand the reality: this man is violent and abusive - he will not be a positive element in your son's life, and no amount of wishing and connecting them with middle names is going to change his nature, or protect your son from the danger that he represents. (This is why your own father was so upset.) Look, as a man and a father, I'm the first to stand up for the idea that a biological father should have the right to be a part of a child's life, to make informed decisions about what role he will have, etc. (Along with a responsibility to provide support...) But the safety of the child comes first, absolutely, and if this guy is violent, that trumps all. By some stroke of bad luck, you have fathered a child with someone who should not be allowed to be in that "father" role. While you may hope that your son will find other positive, male, father-type surrogates as he grows up, you will need to give up the fantasy you attach to his biological father, and see the reality in order to protect your child from this biological father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 He was just a little early. He is really small, and had some lung problems the first day, but they cleared up. He is healthy right now though. I will admit he scared me being so small, but we are pretty sure he is alright. I do realize this man was very mean to me. I remember all the mean things he would say to me, and the fact he hit me and told me he was going to kill me. It scares me still. I know I have to keep my son away from him to save him from the abuse. It's difficult for me because I thought I could change him, and I thought the baby would change him, but that's not the case. I thought having a baby would help him not be so angry all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
palmbreeze Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'm a single mom. My son's father is in jail....that makes me sound like total trash I know. My son is now three and let me share some things... Negatives: It is hard work, I'm not going to lie. It's up to you to be strong, to be there, to keep patient, to provide him support, to work hard, to keep the house clean, to provide education/entertainment/safety for your child. It's rough stuff! At times I don't know if my patience will last. You work eight hours a day, and the baby is up crying at night. I'll look at other families and get jealous. Remember they may have a mommy and daddy, but are they happy? Positives: I have my little boy all to my self! We may not have that cute little mommy and daddy family...but boy are we happy. There is so much love with just the two of us. We have SO much fun together, we can do whatever we want whenever we want. You never know how strong you are until you're faced with difficulty. I'm so proud of myself for being an awesome single mom! I rock it! Tips: Goal for each and every day is to smile and have fun. Don't bog yourself down with everything that needs to get done, or the bills that need to get paid. Have fun! Smile! Girl, those dishes will be there tomorrow. Let people help you and have some time apart from each other. My son and I are attached at the hip. I have him stay with my parents one night a week just so we have time apart. You can do it! Your son will be better off with one loving parent who will teach him the ways of the world and who will love him every single day and be a good role model! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 For perspective, I am divorced with a 2-year-old, I have a full-time job, and it is easier than being married (in a bad marriage with a baby) was. If I'd been single the whole time, the hardest thing would have been the full-time daycare expense. And I didn't even have a violent or physically abusive husband. He had some issues, and he certainly wasn't supportive in any way, but it was not as bad as you've described your situation with your ex. So yes, single parenthood would be more do-able than parenthood with a violent person. Do you have some grown men in your life (preferably family members or longtime family friends) who can be good male role models? If so, set up regular hang-out times with them starting when your child is 1.5 years or so. That will go a long way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 One of my parents' friends asked yesterday where my son's father was. I just looked at my dad to help me and he just said he's not a very good person. It was so embarrassing. I don't know how to handle that... Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 One of my parents' friends asked yesterday where my son's father was. I just looked at my dad to help me and he just said he's not a very good person. It was so embarrassing. I don't know how to handle that... Do you have any single-parent friends? How would you advise them to handle that situation? I think, deep down, you know how you would best handle this situation. You're a mama now, and it's probably time for you to learn to handle certain situations, rather than turning to your dad for support so often. Personally, I don't think it was a very big deal at all. Maybe the person made the comment with an element of disdain, but you've got to hold your head up high and not let these sort of comments get under your skin. Most likely, it was just a very normal question that people ask all the time, and didn't intend to embarrass you at all. God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 One of my parents' friends asked yesterday where my son's father was. Did they put it like that or was it more like "Where's Dave (or whatever the heck his name is)?" Besides them being nosy asses...its a huge difference Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I'm living with my parents again after my son's father attacked me outside of my apartment. I find the situation very embarrassing because I'm a very successful independent woman. I keep to myself in the basement most of the time because I feel like we are imposing on my parents, but I know we aren't. They had friends over and we were upstairs. Then their friend said something to the effect of "where's this little boy's daddy?" I was so embarrassed. I can't believe I got involved with him in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Workaholic Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 One of my parents' friends asked yesterday where my son's father was. I just looked at my dad to help me and he just said he's not a very good person. It was so embarrassing. I don't know how to handle that... You and your dad handled it perfectly Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'd get into the habit of saying something like "He's not in the picture" etc. Remember he's provided genetic material. You don't want your beautiful son to grow-up thinking he's got 'bad genes'. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now but my cousin is now in his 40's & still gts that horrible sinking feeling when people say "Don't you look like your father?" & things like that. His father is not a good man so he hears "You look like him, does that mean you are like him?". He's a terrible person. Keep him out of your sons life but don't get into the habit of saying negative things about him around your son. It sounds like your Dad is happy to be a male role model for your boy. That's great! I hope you & your son grow to be a lovely couple. There's a very special bond between kids & single Mums. Treasure every moment. Time goes so fast. When our children were born our wish was for them to be 'Healthy, Happy & Kind'. Just love him! That's my best advise. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Congrats on having a healthy child! What a blessing. As a protective parent, keep your guard up when it comes to taking the high road. Just as you have changed in your life, so too may this guy. You are both young, many years to come. So leave that option open for your son to know the father. He may turn his life around...and that is possible. Until he does though, stay diligent in being the loving parent. Your heart is big enough to share it with this child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tree lover Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 My dad adores him. So I'm glad he'll have him. If I don't have him, my dad does. I don't want other people around my son though. It makes me uncomfortable. Is it unreasonable to not want people I'm not related to around him? Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 My dad adores him. So I'm glad he'll have him. If I don't have him, my dad does. I don't want other people around my son though. It makes me uncomfortable. Is it unreasonable to not want people I'm not related to around him? I don't think it's unreasonable. It's part of the maternal instinct. Especially when they're babies. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I don't want other people around my son though. It makes me uncomfortable. Is it unreasonable to not want people I'm not related to around him? If you're temporarily wanting to keep him sheltered if he's sick, that seems like a good thing. But I don't think it's realistic or healthy for the child in any way to keep him so isolated for other reasons. Socially, he'll really benefit from being with others. And I believe health-wise, too...don't kids build up their immune systems by being exposed to different things (people, germs, situations)? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) I have worked with a lot of single parents in abusive situations. First congrats on getting away from him and protecting yourself and your baby. It's not easy to be a full-time single parent but it sounds like you have some people in your life who can help. That is awesome. I think it's good you didn't list the dad on the BC because you don't want him to find you two IMO. If he isn't listed he will have to find you and then go through the paternity process to get your child in his life. This will make it easier for you too to make decisions for your child, travel, etc. As any single parents working with an ex how hard this can be sometimes to pick a school, a sports activity, get a passport, or go on vacation. I would also try to seek some legal resources. You may be able to do this at a DV resource near you. Also a lot of lawyers do free consultations. The reason I'm suggesting this is to set things up so there is no way this guy can get back into your lives. A lot of men use the legal system to continue the abuse and control. I would also find out what is the norm in your area. My area is a strong 50/50 area and this is becoming more common. It's not necessarily the stereo type of the dad having no rights and the mom getting everything. I know one woman in my area where the first wife got a RO and the second wife was sent to the hospital due to the abuse of a guy and the court wouldn't allow any of that in the custody trial. The guy got 50/50. I would also be careful in the future about online dating or anything this guy can use to track you down later. I know someone whose ex even posed as guys online to bait her. As far as not having people around your baby that is your call. I am not really a germ-a-phobe in any way so I was all for that stuff but I usually asked people to wash their hands to hold my child when they were very young. By age 6-12 months most diseases become less threatening. Edited October 13, 2015 by Miss Peach Link to post Share on other sites
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