We Decided to Kick 19 yo Daughter out

[sumdude]

It's a long story. i know we may sound awful, it was a hard choice.

 

I met my now wife about 4 years ago. We've been married two now. Her then 15 yo old daughter moved in with us early on. She's had a lot of issues. Her biological father was awful, sexual abuse verbal abuse, her aunt was physically and emotionally abusive. My wife lost custody of her and her sister for a few years when they were young so wasn't able to remove or protect them from that family.

 

A few months after my stepdaughter moved in she overdosed on the anti depressants, likely a suicide attempt. She was also cutting. She said she had voice telling her to do it. She survived the overdose and then went into intensive treatment first at a local mental institution, they put her on meds then she came home and we had in home therapy regularly. It wasn't enough, then she went to the big state institution for a few weeks. While there we worried she would try to run away or do something rash so we made the panic decision to get the courts involved. This really complicated things, now every decision went through a legal process, she had a court designated lawyer etc etc.

 

She came home and she claimed she couldn't deal with high school so we put her in a special school for kids with issues. Her senior year she stopped taking her med then barely graduated, we had to push to get her diploma with special status. She seemed better. ok even. We let her go to the beach with a couple friends of hers we knew for the weekend. Well she went nuts there. Found some guy on the internet and ran off on a sexual fling. They had no idea where she was. Well she finally made it home. We thought she was going to go to community college. Well soon after she overdosed on her meds again, different meds. Much scarier situation. She survived and went into the mental health unit for a while.

 

She decided when she came out she would move into a family's house where they rent rooms cheap to kids with troubles rather than move home. She then never went to scheduled therapy appointments etc. Of course there was a guy there at the house and they soon became involved. She managed to live there for 6 months but only worked for about 6 weeks of that before quitting her job. She was kicked out and we said she could move back in but had to do her share in the house and either start some school or at minimum a part time job. For 2 months she simply lazed around, sleeping all day, then eating and TV, followed by up all night chatting, texting interneting with guys and people till 5 AM. On weekend going away and coming back Tuesdays. Lots of lying and covering up. She would act so very nice but then when pushed to do something would nasty backtalk her mom.

 

So her mom gave her a deadline of 2 more months to see some effort or she's out. We had a lot of conversations and tried to support her in every way we knew. She won't go to therapy and take her meds so does she need help or not? Can't make her.

 

The deadline came and nothing changed so she's out. She came and got the last of her things last night and wouldn't talk to us. I'm hoping we made the right choice by no longer enabling her and pushing her to find a way to make her way in life. She's moved in with a friend and family for now. She's blown up most of the friendships she's had. We're pretty sure she has a sexual addiction and maybe other addictions. She's been diagnosed with everything from bi-polar to mild schizophrenia. But living with her I don't buy it anymore. She is quite the actress. If anything addictive personalty and borderline personality disorder. Not many meds for those.

 

I love her and hope this works out for everyone. We couldn't live like that anymore and she wasn't getting anywhere as long as she was being enabled. Breaks my heart to do it though, saw no other options.

Edited March 27, 2015 by sumdude

[badpenny]

A very good friend of mine had to do the same with her son. he began to drink, take light drugs and mix with the 'wrong kind of people'. He came home one morning (early hours) to find his parents had changed the locks and left all his belongings - well packed, not in any disarray - in boxes and cases, on the verandah (they live in Oz.)

They satyed indoors and ignored his rantings, cussedness and foul language for an hour, until he got the message that they were not going to engage with him, in any manner or means.

 

He left, taking all his stuff with him, and they didn't hear from him for a month.

 

My friend says it was the longest month in her life, and she wept buckets.

 

The kid's doing good now, and is 'back in the fold'.

 

But he had no medical or psychological issues. He just went off the rails, rather.

 

So I fully understand and can sympathise entirely with your actions.

She's 19. She's an adult.

The rest is on her.

 

I hope things turn out ok for you, but I hope you will not beat yourselves up over this, because you don't deserve to do that to yourselves.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly this girl is in rough shape, her childhood and so much suffering (abuse etc) has affected her. She has a mental illness and needs to be on many meds to help her function better and lots of counseling. Obviously at 19 she can refuse treatment... Look into it, there are cases of parents going to court so they can give consent on what to do with their child, in patient hospitals or mental health units.

 

I feel for you and your wife, this is awful and painful to have to go through.

 

I hope she realizes soon that you both love her and she gets the help she desperately needs.

[sumdude]

Thanks WWIU.

 

The hardest part of it all. What's chemical and what's behavioral? She's been through a lot of both types of therapies. We've spent so much of our energy and resources the last few years to get her everything she needs. I'm not sure the psychtropic meds were been helping or making things worse, hence why she would OD on them and now refuses to take them. We did find out she has a thyroid disorder which in some ways ruled out the bipolar because the symptoms can be very similar. I hope she keeps taking the meds for that. We tried every way from Sunday to get her help. She would skip all the appointments, if we made her go it means nothing if she's not willing to do the work needed with the therapist. She is quite bright and charming and is good at manipulating people. It gets to where you do not know what to believe that comes from her mouth in the poresent or the past. In the end it's about her and what she is willing to do. What I see is someone who doesn't want to put in the effort to do much of anything other than entertainment. That is the root of it and a behavior. In many ways she is a lot better than she was a couple years back. Now, if she really wanted to get better and have a good life she would use everything at her disposal, which is a lot but she won't do it. She clearly has compulsions but what can we do? It's hard to live with because we don't know who she is seeing or talking to and if they are coming to the house when we are out at work.

It's one of those damned if we do and damned if we don't situations.

Edited March 27, 2015 by sumdude

[amaysngrace]

That young woman has been traumatized repeatedly and you and her mom expect her to function normally by calling her a manipulative liar and sending the message to her once more that she's not worth it by throwing her away AGAIN?

 

Yea...good luck with that...

[darkmoon]

if she never bothers with you again - how will you feel?

 

asking only as she is not a kid, you can not control her, i left home at seventeen, suddenly suburbia lost interest, so bonds were broken

[wizer]

Are you looking for advice? Or just someone to sympathize with or someone to pat you on the back and say "hey you did the best you can"?

 

I don't know, with all her issues I probably would have given her more than 2 months.

 

Why did mom lose custody of her when she was young? Why did the courts feel that her abusive father was a better place for her to be than with your wife?

[sumdude]

That young woman has been traumatized repeatedly and you and her mom expect her to function normally by calling her a manipulative liar and sending the message to her once more that she's not worth it by throwing her away AGAIN?

 

Yea...good luck with that...

 

I wish it was that simple.... and no. I did not call her that to her face. But it is true, she is manipulative and she does lie. I'm not making that up. As far as throwing her away again, never threw her away in the first place. She is not accepting anything she's been offered and scoffs at it and us. We have run our of options as she refuses to go to therapy or do much of anything.

[GoBlue]

Raising children has never been easy and you do the best you can. There is one universal truth in this world (other than taxes and death!) and that is choices carry consequences. Too many parents enable their children to continuously make terrible choices because they enable them by "protecting" them from the consequences. No one who truly loves their children want to see them in pain. Every good parent wants to EQUIP their children for life not "enable" poor life choices. Do you have a family therapist that you see? Have you looked into the possibility of a support group of some kind? Hold strong, pray for her every day, and be ready to help when she is truly ready for change. Blessings!

[sumdude]

Are you looking for advice? Or just someone to sympathize with or someone to pat you on the back and say "hey you did the best you can"?

 

I don't know, with all her issues I probably would have given her more than 2 months.

 

Why did mom lose custody of her when she was young? Why did the courts feel that her abusive father was a better place for her to be than with your wife?

 

I needed a place to vent, maybe get advice all of the above. Not exactly something you can have a casual conversation about.

[sumdude]

Raising children has never been easy and you do the best you can. There is one universal truth in this world (other than taxes and death!) and that is choices carry consequences. Too many parents enable their children to continuously make terrible choices because they enable them by "protecting" them from the consequences. No one who truly loves their children want to see them in pain. Every good parent wants to EQUIP their children for life not "enable" poor life choices. Do you have a family therapist that you see? Have you looked into the possibility of a support group of some kind? Hold strong, pray for her every day, and be ready to help when she is truly ready for change. Blessings!

 

I doubt the decision every day... but ran out of choices other than continue as is where she will not grow or push her out of the nest and hope she can fly.

[amaysngrace]

I wish it was that simple.... and no. I did not call her that to her face. But it is true, she is manipulative and she does lie. I'm not making that up. As far as throwing her away again, never threw her away in the first place. She is not accepting anything she's been offered and scoffs at it and us. We have run our of options as she refuses to go to therapy or do much of anything.

 

Okay she's not accepting things as quickly as you'd like but I think you need to realize that every time she was traumatized it's very possible that her emotional growth was stunted at that age.

 

So while she may look like a 19 year old woman on the outside she may be using the coping skills of a small child.

 

I know it's easy to get frustrated with her but acting as if this is all her fault is not the best way to handle you frustration.

 

Neither is putting a time limit on overcoming issues that took years to create.

 

At 19 her brain isn't even fully developed yet. And that's any human brain. Throw in the emotional damage she's acquired and it's extremely unrealistic for her mom and you to put such stringent expectations on her.

 

How about being neutral towards her and just accepting her for who she is?

Edited March 31, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Uncalled for hatefulness

[GorillaTheater]

Sumdude, I think that you and your wife have done everything you could have reasonably done to help your daughter at home. The deadline you gave her was reasonable and her past problems aside, at some point she needs to start taking some responsibility for her life.

 

Nothing's stopping you from continuing to help her, but you don't need to do so under the same roof. Turmoil like this can kill a marriage.

 

God Bless, man. This is hard stuff to deal with.

[Tayla]

Since you have tried your way and she has tested you with her way, try this! stop correlating that you are "enabling", you aren't. far too many people confuse guidance and support and place it in the "enabling" category so that they can have an out. The daughter is clinically ill. I personally think as parents you both really did try and find ways to help. (not enabling). now go get counseling for yourselves ( meant with good intentions) , i think you"ll find that there maybe some resources to help this matter be more manageable. i feel for all involved as a dear friend of mine lost her son, he had some mental challenges. He didnt deserve to be outcast, yet society seemed to dictate that stance. So try to be the solution, and not the one standing at the coffin saying that you shouldn't have enabled her. I sincerely hope the daughter gets the support so needed.

[beach]

I see you did everything you could to guide her while she was a minor - only to have her rebel and be more destructive.

 

It's sad, because now she's an adult and in house round the clock help is only available to her if she asks for that help. And many times when a person isn't in their right mind they aren't capable of making a sound decision.

 

You and your wife now need to take care of yourselves, your marriage.

 

The daughter is an adult (although very sick) and until she gets miserable enough to change things - change isn't likely to happen.

 

My hardest nights were when my kids were defiant and unreasonable and I had to ask them to leave (because they were old enough and unreasonable enough with me to cross the line). As a parent I worried! As a person I knew I wasn't going to allow them to mistreat me.

 

Nothing about it is easy. Hugs to you both.

 

But she is an adult and it's time to take care for your marriage.

[Tayla]

I see you did everything you could to guide her while she was a minor - only to have her rebel and be more destructive.

 

It's sad, because now she's an adult and in house round the clock help is only available to her if she asks for that help. And many times when a person isn't in their right mind they aren't capable of making a sound decision.

 

You and your wife now need to take care of yourselves, your marriage.

 

The daughter is an adult (although very sick) and until she gets miserable enough to change things - change isn't likely to happen.

 

My hardest nights were when my kids were defiant and unreasonable and I had to ask them to leave (because they were old enough and unreasonable enough with me to cross the line). As a parent I worried! As a person I knew I wasn't going to allow them to mistreat me.

 

Nothing about it is easy. Hugs to you both.

 

But she is an adult and it's time to take care for your marriage.

 

You are aware that this adult is clinically ill?? its not the same as a standard case of rebellion. The daughter IS not capable of making decisions that are healthy. She is ill. Please understand the difference.. thank you.

[beach]

You are aware that this adult is clinically ill?? its not the same as a standard case of rebellion. The daughter IS not capable of making decisions that are healthy. She is ill. Please understand the difference.. thank you.

 

I understand that. The daughter is legal age though and therefore the parents have no legal right to make decisions for her anymore.

 

Unless they get a court order...

[minimariah]

I love her and hope this works out for everyone.

 

for the life of me, i can't see how can this possibly work out for "everyone" including your step - daughter.

 

i admire your W if she, as a mother - sleeps peacefully at night knowing she kicked out her mentally ill & troubled daughter. but then again, this woman did lose the custody so i'm assuming she isn't the world's best mother. and again - she did have a kid with an abuser, so i'm assuming she isn't great at recognizing & dealing with abusive behavior. so no wonder this is all too much for her.

 

what you did is wrong, if you ask me. but not everyone is a fantastic parent, not everyone puts their child first and not everyone can deal with the aftermath of this much abuse & damage.

 

hopefully, that poor girl will find her way out of the hell i know she must be in.

Edited March 27, 2015 by minimariah

[todreaminblue]

It is a hard situation you find yourself in, you have known your wifes daughter for four years...you obviously love your wife but i am not so sure about loving the daughter ...she sounds like a handful...do you feel resentment as a step parent for having to go through this.....

 

 

does your daughter have an ongoing case worker as she was court ordered?

 

i hear you when you say push the daughter out of the nest and see if she can fly...that would be a fine analogy if you felt that she was capable of living life productively on her own.......

 

here is another analogy...you are in a boat and the girl in question is sitting in the boat with you anxious and overwhelmed because she cant swim at all......do you push her out to drown as it is too much effort to keep her in the boat......or do you involve life guards to help her to swim first before you push her out.......

 

the background to yoru post needs more info...why did the mum lose custody ...why did the mum not continue to fight her ass off to get her two daughters who were young and vulnerable out of a sexually verbally and emotionally destructive living situation..why did the mum give up......i am assuming 11 years went by.....in a sexually abusive house .....its par for course the girl is going to have major issues.....

 

i understand the daughter is not your biological child......but she is to the mum......

 

it si a parents responsibility to not chuck a fledgling out of a boat when the outcome is drowning......i think as a family ...you wholly need the support of the courts and or professional life guards......family counselling ....i am really sorry you are facing such a hard time

 

 

i do believe however the mum needs to step up for the 11 years of damage done in her absence .......getting counselling and supportive anchors for the whole family to weather the storm thats coming......your step daughter is that storm...marriages have many.......if you all pull together seek out help from professional compassionate mental health authorities...dont give up....keep trying till you get the help you need for you and your family......give her a life jacket...of support.....and to help guide you in decisions ...before you tip her into a raging sea of an unknown life...its not enabling....its parenting......

 

 

 

 

and it is the mothers responsibility to make sure her daughter knows how to survive ....no matter how hard it is...no matter how thankless a job it is...thats being a mother....support the mother......insist on getting help and guidance from the very best of support you can find..to help you and your marriage survive as well.......explore those 11 years of absence..it is the elephant that is trampling a girls future......those years shaped her...unshape those years they are important....stand by the mother(your wife) who in turn can stand by the daughter to help her become a productive member of society ...and not have a rootless existence with a sad and lonely ending somewhere unknown to you and her mum.........deb

Edited March 27, 2015 by todreaminblue

[amaysngrace]

i admire your W if she, as a mother - sleeps peacefully at night knowing she kicked out her mentally ill & troubled daughter.

 

I actually think that seeing her mom on the daily must be a really big trigger for her. She's probably better off not living with her rather than being reminded daily of how little her life has always been valued by her mother.

 

And now step-dad says so too.

 

That mom should remember the phrase "dysfunction breeds dysfunction" every time she wants to be angry with her daughter for turning out the way she did. Especially now since she gave up. Again.

[minimariah]

I actually think that seeing her mom on the daily must be a really big trigger for her.

 

oh, absolutely.

 

at the end of the day - the abuse this girl went through is her mother's fault. this woman failed to recognize abuse her child went through, she failed to report it, she failed to protect her child from it and she failed at being a parent good enough to NOT lose the custody.

 

i assume this young woman resents her mother deeply and you really can't blame her. also, the way her mother is getting rid of her isn't surprising at all - i don't think she's capable of dealing with issues that run this deep.

 

i'm just seriously baffled. not at the OP really, the kid isn't his. i'm baffled at the mother - you would think she learned the lesson the 1st time around but i guess not.

 

you know, i know a story similar to this... my dear friend (he recently became a neruosurgeon) was kicked out by his parents (stepfather + mother) for being an addict.

 

he got the help he needed + got clean and never spoke with said parents again. the funny part? they can't stop bragging about him. i hope this girl's story will have the same ending as my friend's.

Edited March 27, 2015 by minimariah

[Auspecial]

Since you have tried your way and she has tested you with her way, try this! stop correlating that you are "enabling", you aren't. far too many people confuse guidance and support and place it in the "enabling" category so that they can have an out. The daughter is clinically ill. I personally think as parents you both really did try and find ways to help. (not enabling). now go get counseling for yourselves ( meant with good intentions) , i think you"ll find that there maybe some resources to help this matter be more manageable. i feel for all involved as a dear friend of mine lost her son, he had some mental challenges. He didn't deserve to be outcast, yet society seemed to dictate that stance. So try to be the solution, and not the one standing at the coffin saying that you shouldn't have enabled her. I sincerely hope the daughter gets the support so needed.

 

I feel that OP and wife have been at wits end for a long time and trying their best. But based on what he has written I think its very possible that the daughter may never function as they want her to. I don't mean this to sound as negative as it does, because I know its heartbreaking but it may be a reality that needs to be accepted. Then , if she does happen to get better and more functional, that's just a bonus.

 

I don't see this girl flourishing out on her own.

[Tayla]

I feel that OP and wife have been at wits end for a long time and trying their best. But based on what he has written I think its very possible that the daughter may never function as they want her to. I don't mean this to sound as negative as it does, because I know its heartbreaking but it may be a reality that needs to be accepted. Then , if she does happen to get better and more functional, that's just a bonus.

 

I don't see this girl flourishing out on her own.

i whole heartedly get what you are saying . The daughters normal is not the same as the parents expectations, there inlays the challenge. So you are right to

give some supportive words.

 

todreaminblue... loved your version of the boat! how true to get life guards...

 

Hope the op comes back,would be interested to see/ read how things are going...

[sumdude]

Are you looking for advice? Or just someone to sympathize with or someone to pat you on the back and say "hey you did the best you can"?

 

I don't know, with all her issues I probably would have given her more than 2 months.

 

Why did mom lose custody of her when she was young? Why did the courts feel that her abusive father was a better place for her to be than with your wife?

 

Her mother was a victim as well. She went in for treatment for anxiety and depression. This was used against her when it was railroaded through the courts as she was portrayed as an unfit mother due to psychological issues vs. the military officer father. Attempting to prove the abuse in court was impossible. Put a 5 and 6 year old on the stand? Mom's word vs. officer in a small county in the south? Her mother scraped and saved and fought and 3 years or so later finally won back custody of her daughters from that beast.

[sumdude]

oh, absolutely.

 

at the end of the day - the abuse this girl went through is her mother's fault. this woman failed to recognize abuse her child went through, she failed to report it, she failed to protect her child from it and she failed at being a parent good enough to NOT lose the custody.

 

i assume this young woman resents her mother deeply and you really can't blame her. also, the way her mother is getting rid of her isn't surprising at all - i don't think she's capable of dealing with issues that run this deep.

 

i'm just seriously baffled. not at the OP really, the kid isn't his. i'm baffled at the mother - you would think she learned the lesson the 1st time around but i guess not.

 

you know, i know a story similar to this... my dear friend (he recently became a neruosurgeon) was kicked out by his parents (stepfather + mother) for being an addict.

 

he got the help he needed + got clean and never spoke with said parents again. the funny part? they can't stop bragging about him. i hope this girl's story will have the same ending as my friend's.

 

How easy it must be to sit on that horse and simply blame the mother. Then again I didn't paint the entire picture which would take a long time. Here mom was abused in the same situation. More often than not trying to report and prove abuse fails. The burden of proof is on the victims who already live in fear. Her mom fought to get her back and persevered and did. She's been with her mom for the last 13 or so years. Her sister was also abused and is flourishing. There is also a complete person and personality outside of the past. She is not completely defined by it. Yes it clearly has affected her in many ways. But there is also a 19 year old who doesn't seem to want to work at anything. She has been through months and months of intense therapy and counseling over the years. It was provided for her. Now she simply refuses to get more treatment since she is now an adult and doesn't have to. We have also sought counseling. Her own psychologist had to let her go and find someone else since she would miss every appointment.

Edited March 28, 2015 by sumdude