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Struggling dad


LostBoy.

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Hey, thanks for taking a look at this...

 

Not really sure where to start, I'm 24, I have an 8 year old son & a 6 year old son.

My beautiful better half lost her life in a car accident five and a half years ago.

I now live with my boys, we don't have any family on mine or their mum's side, but we do live with 2 guys who were very very close friends of me and my late girlfriend and are the brothers I didn't have, my sons uncles.

 

I was totally lost after she died, just treading water, making it us as I went along, I never had much example of what it was to be a parent, just a dad that drank too much, but me and the boys muddled through, I couldn't ask for better kids, they taught me to be a dad and I thought we we're doing okay.

 

About 4 months ago I started dating again. I was a bit concerned how they'd react to that when I introduced her a couple of months ago but they were both pretty unfazed and took to my girlfriend well.

 

 

So now its mothers day today, normally on mothers day/special occasions, me and the boys will spend the day together. We take some flowers, plants, trinkets, cards the boys have made, down to where my late girlfriends ashes are buried.

Today though Flint, my older boy, just kicked off on me... Says like he didn't want to, what was the point, I was kidding myself, if she really cared, if we'd been enough for her, she wouldn't of left us. If she was as great as I said, she wouldn't of left us.

I told him to never talk about her like that (regrettably harsh maybe, but there's still a huge part of me completely in love with that girl, and I feel the reaction to defend her to anyone, even her son). And then he tells me basically that the only memories he has of his mum he doesn't even know if they're real or not, that Shane (my youngest) will have even less, that he knows we [me & one of his uncles] loved her and so maybe we can forgive her but that he didn't know her...

 

I just don't know what i'm sposed to say to that, what i'm meant to do now?

 

He said "he didn't know her", I cant get that out of my head. I know its true, I tried to talk about her lots and have loads of pictures of her, I wanted them to know who their mum was but clearly I've not managed that. He's right, I spent so long thinking it was cruel she was taken from me so quick, but its criminal that me and the lads got to spend so much time with her compared to her own sons.

I can tell them all the great things she did, about that twinkle in her eye, her sense of adventure, how when you were with her you felt special, invincible, how she loathed apple, but all their ever going to see is that stupid car accident!

 

I thought we were doing okay, I thought we were solid! Now I really don't know.. :(

 

 

Thanks again for sticking with me and reading this through,

~ Badger

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i was five when my grandpa died, i went into the larder all alone and then thought about him seriously for five minutes and then my mourning was over

 

i think your sons have processed death a bit like i did, just a mini/juvenile way of looking at it

 

you need to speak to a bereavement counsellor

Edited by darkmoon
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Really??

I should just leave him so mad at her?

 

~Badger

 

Its part of their process.

 

They won't always feel like that, but just now that is the feeling.

 

There is a deeper purpose to it.

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i think he will evaluate it differently when he is older, seeing really crappy luck, which is logic, not his child's knee-jerk protest atmo

 

you sound still grief-stricken, like it all happened yesterday, you are lodged in the past, but the children are not

 

if he keeps displaying anger, then all go to a family therapist, do not make him wrong, all go together

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LostBoy- You are doing a fine job. They are so young and don't understand. Keep her memory. Tell them how much she loves them and is watching over. That is was not her choice to not hold them and cook them breakfast but she will be over them eternity.

 

It is a fine balance to show them for her how much she loves them and at the same time to not focus on death, but life. Find a way that she would find; something she would do that does not involve visiting her grave.

What would she want you to do with them for her, with her? You and your brothers. Find that.

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Just keep assuring your boy who's being bitter now that his mother loved him more than anything and that she had no control over being in a car accident, that God isn't all powerful and that sometimes bad things happen to good people.

 

As for the younger ones who can't remember her, maybe don't make a big deal about it with them, but of course keep her photos around, though if you ever get another wife, you will probably have to pare those back to certain places in the house, like your son's rooms. Tell your son that remembers her best any little anecdotes about her but do that at natural times, not just out of the blue. Like you're in the park and a bush is blooming, maybe it reminds you that your wife used to love azaleas and you give him that image to keep. You might suggest gently that he write down everything he remembers about her now so that he can read it back if her memory starts slipping if he wants to. But don't make him feel that he has to hold onto it. Put a copy of that list somewhere and leave it to him in your Will and let him keep one.

 

Try not to let the depression prevail. I hope you do find love again while the boys are young enough to accept a new person.

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LostBoy- You are doing a fine job. They are so young and don't understand. Keep her memory. Tell them how much she loves them and is watching over. That is was not her choice to not hold them and cook them breakfast but she will be over them eternity.

This is exactly it, they don't understand. The accident was stupid, and was her fault, but she didn't mean to die, to leave them, but that's massive for a little kid to wrap his head round! It was hard enough for me!

 

Its hard cause like I do loads with them but I'm still aware they don't have a mum like other kids.

I always get told that they're such smashing kids but people always say it's obvious theres never been much female influence. I didn't have a mum either growing up either she left when I was a little kid, and one of my brothers grew up in care, so I guess we're not really the best equipped people to...I dunno, I don't really know what a mum does...

 

It is a fine balance to show them for her how much she loves them and at the same time to not focus on death, but life. Find a way that she would find; something she would do that does not involve visiting her grave.

What would she want you to do with them for her, with her? You and your brothers. Find that.

This is great! So true!!

She'd know what to do, I need to work that out!

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You already know. Something that was special about her. Something that she told you or that you laughed about. Tell them for example: your mom used to love to do this, lets do it so that she will laugh and be proud. At holiday do one thing, it can be small. We have sweet potatoes because they were your mom's favorite.

Small things that they can continue through their lives, things that help them connect with her as a person in a fun, pleasant way and to remember her.

Do you understand? It doesn't need to be complicated and when you become serious with someone they can be included as well.

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So he told me he was sorry this morning, I told him he didn't have to be sorry for his feelings.

 

He said he's goes to her grave not for her or him but for me. Actually said "Sometimes I miss having a mum like the other kids dad, but I don't miss her. Not like you & [my bros] do"

 

He kind of said basically that she's never gonna come back. That I've got [my girlfriend] now and not to screw that up!

- Relationship advice from my 8 year old!! What would my 16 year old self say to that state of affairs.

 

 

 

I actually wasn't particularly thinking I would date again.. but I couldn't let her slip through my hands. I really like her. I see us seriously. I hope it works long term but she is only 20, and i'm a single dad.

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What a smart little dude you have. Best wishes to all of you. I'm sure you will have love again. Enjoy the journey. :)

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you sound still grief-stricken, like it all happened yesterday, you are lodged in the past, but the children are not

She was my best friend, the only real family I've ever had, my kids mum - I lost wayy more than just a girlfriend.

That will always hurt.

I don't love her any less than I did before.

 

But it doesn't control my life, I put my head down, made my job a career, raised my sons, looked out for my boys, met a girl I love. I'd like to think it doesn't loom large over my sons lives either, it's not like I cry or mowp around in front of them. We're close me and them.

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What a smart little dude you have. Best wishes to all of you. I'm sure you will have love again. Enjoy the journey. :)

 

Guess he must get that from her :laugh:

 

Thank you!

~Badger

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So he told me he was sorry this morning, I told him he didn't have to be sorry for his feelings.

 

He said he's goes to her grave not for her or him but for me. Actually said "Sometimes I miss having a mum like the other kids dad, but I don't miss her. Not like you & [my bros] do"

 

He kind of said basically that she's never gonna come back. That I've got [my girlfriend] now and not to screw that up!

- Relationship advice from my 8 year old!! What would my 16 year old self say to that state of affairs.

 

 

 

I actually wasn't particularly thinking I would date again.. but I couldn't let her slip through my hands. I really like her. I see us seriously. I hope it works long term but she is only 20, and i'm a single dad.

 

You can tell him that she's in every cell of his body, breathing with him, coded into his genes.

 

That's the truth.

 

Well done on letting him have his feelings. By doing that you allowed his feelings to flow and change.

 

Do the same for yourself.

 

Love,

 

Satu

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You can tell him that she's in every cell of his body, breathing with him, coded into his genes.

 

That's the truth.

,

God and aint that the truth! He reminds me of her more every day. Not so much with my youngest he's more like me but Flint he looks like her, her dark hair, dimples, blue eyes, and i see so much of her in him, her gift of the gab, her compass for trouble, her big dreams, he even runs his hand through his hair when he's thinking & likes to sleep with the radio on, just like her.

Its sad in a way that although I can tell him, he'll never see for himself just how like her he is.

 

 

But it is what it is.

 

 

Thanks for your help

~ Badger

 

 

 

 

I think you're doing amazing. Keep up the good work!

 

 

:D

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He said he's goes to her grave not for her or him but for me. Actually said "Sometimes I miss having a mum like the other kids dad, but I don't miss her. Not like you & [my bros] do"

 

He kind of said basically that she's never gonna come back. That I've got [my girlfriend] now and not to screw that up!

- Relationship advice from my 8 year old!! What would my 16 year old self say to that state of affairs.

 

 

I wouldn't stress to much mate. Your obviously doing something right! There's can't be much wrong ^ with this lads upbringing!

 

 

I wouldn't worry about your girlfriend either - if she's been with you 4 months then she already knows your life situation. If she was going to walk, she'd of walked by now!

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I wouldn't stress to much mate. Your obviously doing something right! There's can't be much wrong ^ with this lads upbringing!

Thanks mate :)

 

I wouldn't worry about your girlfriend either - if she's been with you 4 months then she already knows your life situation. If she was going to walk, she'd of walked by now!

True true, she's a dime! :D

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Stealing_Serenity

In reading your thread LostBoy, you are doing a fine job. Your boys are going to express a lot of things to you as their experience is not your experience.

 

They are growing, with that growing comes experiences and memories...and they won't always be your memories or your friends memories. And that is okay, they need to hear those memories.

 

They are never going to feel the same way as you, but I think you get it. Very commendable.

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if you're going through hell....keep going.

 

Story. Of. My. Whole. Life!

 

There's most things a lot of things I've done in my life that I hope my boys will never ever do, but if there's just one thing I can give them, let it be sheer resilient..

Some people will never need it but for others life will just keep knocking you down and when you've got nothing else, resilient will be all you have left!

 

~Badger

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Story. Of. My. Whole. Life!

 

There's most things a lot of things I've done in my life that I hope my boys will never ever do, but if there's just one thing I can give them, let it be sheer resilient..

Some people will never need it but for others life will just keep knocking you down and when you've got nothing else, resilient will be all you have left!

 

~Badger

 

Yes. This is what makes you so strong. All of your challenges make you stronger. You have a foundation of love, devotion and curiosity about life and to be the best person you can be. The reason you hurt is because of this. People who feel nothing or little do not face these things. How are you and your kids?

Do you take time for silence and to listen to your inner self?

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