ally2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) Hi All, This is my story so far unfortunately and I feel like it is going to last forever! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/515485-continue-no-contact Everything is such a mess! I literally feel stuck. I hate it. I am trying to move forward, trying to make plans for myself and my child but some days... like today it just seems hopeless. My child hasn't seen her dad in almost 2 months and he is now "dating" a 45 year old woman (if you can call her that considering her behaviour towards me)and has no contact with myself. I do not get what he sees in a 45 year old when he is 26 years old, makes me ill thinking about it. Like he has left his family, his loving fiance, his beautiful child, without a second thought... just up and left no reasoning then and still none now. No explanations, just nothing. I'm just at a loss, living day to day and I am honestly over it. It is so unfair and I shouldn't have to be the one to be making the effort...But i feel that if i dont do it, how the hell can things improve. I dont want to live like this, i want things to be sorted so the anxiety and stress wont be so high! It also hurts to know that he isnt feeling what i am... well not yet atleast... like he would have to be upset, i was going to be his wife, we had a life planned together, we have a child.... he cant just stop caring... he has done awful things yet i still love him because love isnt a switch. I just feel so stuck and really dont know what to do anymore! I am trying to do the best thing by my child, i am always second guessing myself, the ex is blaming everything on me when he does communicate, I want the person I know he was in her life and not the person he is now... he has changed completely in 3 months into someone i cant even recognise. its awful, he has essentially abandoned his child and me. I guess I just would love to talk to someone that has maybe been through something similar, any advice, thoughts on what the hell is going on with him, I just feel hopeless and im over it. Edited March 10, 2015 by ally2015 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 All you can do is rely on your family and friends for support, love your child and go on with your life. He is the one who messed up not you. DO NOT let his words affect you, you know this is ALL on him so don't beat yourself up over his stupid choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ally2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 All you can do is rely on your family and friends for support, love your child and go on with your life. He is the one who messed up not you. DO NOT let his words affect you, you know this is ALL on him so don't beat yourself up over his stupid choices. It is hard though... its not just like he broke up with me... he left us both. and what i hate is that fact that he can legally barge back into her life when he feels like it. He is attempting to blame me for him not being in her life... but he is the one that has asked to see her once in 3 months. I just feel so stuck, and worried about what will happen next Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Been there sunshine, and its very heartbreaking as a single parent. Find it in yourself to build a safe haven in your heart. It pains you at this time... yet let it not blind you to speak ill of him to your child. Take some time to adjust ... in the grander scheme you really will be the stronger parent and mature being. Be well and know that those of us who walked this path... held our heads up and re-learned from our child what unconditional love is. Now go give that little one a hug... it will do you both good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ally2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Been there sunshine, and its very heartbreaking as a single parent. Find it in yourself to build a safe haven in your heart. It pains you at this time... yet let it not blind you to speak ill of him to your child. Take some time to adjust ... in the grander scheme you really will be the stronger parent and mature being. Be well and know that those of us who walked this path... held our heads up and re-learned from our child what unconditional love is. Now go give that little one a hug... it will do you both good. Thank you so much for your reply. It is awful and heartbreaking, i hate it! I just feel like powerless regarding our child... like he is making ZERO effort now and blaming everything on me but that could change and legally he has the ability to come into her life at anytime. I dont want to file for custody orders, was told legally to do nothing until he files for her.. basically dont do the work for him, if he wants to see her make him fight for it because essentially him leaving the family he gave up that right. I said i dont want to make it easy for him and i dont want to do all the work but i always dont want the stress of worrying about him having her.. he is unstable and doesnt care about any one but himself.. its disgusting and it is not the person I knew. I just feel like i damned if i do and im damned if i dont. My daughter is 18 months and not that she understands but i never speak about her dad in front of her, to be honest she has no idea who he is anymore.. 3 months to a young child is a long time! And even as she grows up i would never say bad things about him to her, id want her to have her own judgement of him whether he is in her life or not. i just feel sad that he can so easily just walk out on his family when things were good... i know he has issues etc and its nothing to do with me or my child, its just amazing how obviously his brain can just shut down caring about his family and child... because if he hated me he would still fight for her, nothing would get in his way... but he isnt fighting, he just cares about himself and nothing else and ive been told by councillors that raises alarm bells when someone leaves a family with no reason, jumps straight into a new relationship and makes no effort for the child.. major issues! Nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our child, it is all him! And until he takes the time to work that out and fix and help himself i just feel like im stuck at this point of basically feeling helpless. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thank you so much for your reply. It is awful and heartbreaking, i hate it! I just feel like powerless regarding our child... like he is making ZERO effort now and blaming everything on me but that could change and legally he has the ability to come into her life at anytime. I dont want to file for custody orders, was told legally to do nothing until he files for her.. basically dont do the work for him, if he wants to see her make him fight for it because essentially him leaving the family he gave up that right. I said i dont want to make it easy for him and i dont want to do all the work but i always dont want the stress of worrying about him having her.. he is unstable and doesnt care about any one but himself.. its disgusting and it is not the person I knew. I just feel like i damned if i do and im damned if i dont. My daughter is 18 months and not that she understands but i never speak about her dad in front of her, to be honest she has no idea who he is anymore.. 3 months to a young child is a long time! And even as she grows up i would never say bad things about him to her, id want her to have her own judgement of him whether he is in her life or not. i just feel sad that he can so easily just walk out on his family when things were good... i know he has issues etc and its nothing to do with me or my child, its just amazing how obviously his brain can just shut down caring about his family and child... because if he hated me he would still fight for her, nothing would get in his way... but he isnt fighting, he just cares about himself and nothing else and ive been told by councillors that raises alarm bells when someone leaves a family with no reason, jumps straight into a new relationship and makes no effort for the child.. major issues! Nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our child, it is all him! And until he takes the time to work that out and fix and help himself i just feel like im stuck at this point of basically feeling helpless. You are not helpless you are the mother of a young child and you now need to stop obsessing over him and what he is doing and make sure you are doing the best for your child and for yourself. Sounds like he is going to cut you and your child off completely and be an absentee parent, but if he doesn't and he starts fighting you guns ablazing then you have to be prepared for that. He may find a woman who wants to play step mum and so do not be too sure that he will never want to fight you for custody. You want to make sure that you are doing your best at all times for your child, so that no allegations can be levelled against you later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ally2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 You are not helpless you are the mother of a young child and you now need to stop obsessing over him and what he is doing and make sure you are doing the best for your child and for yourself. I am trying to do this but then i get so anxious about the future. He is showing zero interest now as he is too busy with his new life and doing whatever he wants. He is with a 45 year old woman and she doesnt seem like she is pushing him to see or fight for his child, which is fine by me. I just worry that i will have all these plans and get us into a good place and that is when he will come storming back in, once his sense of reality meets actual reality. And I dont want that instability for such a young child, I know his chances of getting significant time with her is getting less and less the more that time goes on and he has no contact but it is still scary to think he could get time with her. Sounds like he is going to cut you and your child off completely and be an absentee parent, but if he doesn't and he starts fighting you guns ablazing then you have to be prepared for that. He may find a woman who wants to play step mum and so do not be too sure that he will never want to fight you for custody. I honestly hope that he just disappears from our lives forever and leaves us alone. Ideally wish he would sign away his parental rights but i dont see that happening. I am getting prepared for IF he does file for custody, i have been taking all the right steps so if and when the time arrives i have all the evidence on my side so thats a bonus. You want to make sure that you are doing your best at all times for your child, so that no allegations can be levelled against you later. 100% am doing the best i can for my child and over 3 months i have attempted for him and his family to be apart of her life with no response so that will also go as a point to me and a point against him. I just dont understand how someone can go from a loving father to abandonment? He keeps saying he wants to see her, wants to be in her life, he tries but i wont let him (which is a massive lie, he has asked to see her 1 time in 3 months) I just think to myself if it was me, nothing and no one would stand in my way if i wanted to see my child, i would be calling to ask how she is, trying to see her as often as i could, buying her things, even if i did hate the other parent id never give up on my child before i even tried.... and if the other parent was making it hard i would immediately file for visitation... i just do not understand how he can just simply not care. But i guess i have to stop caring about that and just accept that he doesnt give a s*** about anyone but himself Link to post Share on other sites
BlackHat Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 It is so hard for me not to be honest and write to you what you truly need to read, because I have seen you far too many times. Instead, I have no choice but to provide you sound advice. 1. Get a lawyer. 2. Threat him with child support and ensure he understands how much he will have to pay over the next 18 years. 3. Tell him that if he doesn't waive his parental rights, he will lose everything, which is quite factual. Link to post Share on other sites
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