questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I have a teenage daughter who went off to university overseas 1.5 years ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since… I divorced her mother when she was about 12, and to be honest, I cannot think of any reason whatsoever for her to break off all contact with me - I know this is going to sound weird, but it is the only thing I can come up with, and that is I remember once when she was about 7 or 8, I think ( I am not sure, as I didn’t see her, so I could be imaging all this) that she might have seen me masturbating in my wife’s and my bedroom… I don’t know why I think this could cause her to cut off all ties with me years later, as I never intentionally masturbated in front of her, or anything weird like that (I’m not even sure she did see me, as I didn’t see her, and she didn’t say anything) but I told a friend the other day, and she seemed horrified that she might have seen me I was just wondering if this could ‘ferment’ and later, (with all the other things of the divorce, leaving home, being away in another country, stress of studying at university, etc.) somehow make her not talk to me? I honestly cannot think of any other single reason… I have tried contacting her, but since she went away to university, she changed phone numbers, (obviously postal addresses) and doesn’t answer her email (and I can’t find her on Facebook). Her mother moved when she went away to university as well, so I don’t have her contact details either - it’s like they both just disappeared as soon as she turned 18! Has anyone else had something similar happen? Or do you think I really could have scared/scarred her as a child, and it’s come out later as an adult as she became more sexual active herself? (I know she was not very sexually active, if at all, in high school) I just don’t know what to think/do… Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 relax, she didn't see diddly squat. she is mad about the divorce and the fact that you don't speak to her 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 relax, she didn't see diddly squat. she is mad about the divorce and the fact that you don't speak to her Thanks... I actually have been trying to speak with her, but that's the problem - she doesn't answer my emails, and I don't have any other way to contact her now... (except for just showing up at her university and stalking around campus looking for her, which I do not want to do!) Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Did you have a good relationship with her prior to her leaving for school? For her to cut you off that way over divorcing her mom years ago seems way off base to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Did you cheat on her Mother? Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Did you have a good relationship with her prior to her leaving for school? For her to cut you off that way over divorcing her mom years ago seems way off base to me. Yes, I thought we were very close... I would see her quite a lot and called her, exchanged emails, etc. regularly, so I really don't understand... I just can't think why? A female friend of mine said that she cut off contact with her parents when she went to university, and treated them terribly, even though they were very nice and supportive - she later reconnected with them and apologized when she was in her mid-twenties, so maybe it is just a normal 'growing up' and 'distancing-from-your-parents' thing? I can't ask her mother, as we have lost contact as well... (which I can understand, as when she turned 18, we stopped having to stay in touch) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Did you cheat on her Mother? No, never... I am the one that asked for a divorce though Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Find a way to get in touch with her mom. It's okay that you've lost touch but you're concerned about your daughter...and she is your exWs daughter too. Maybe she wishes she could talk to you too if the kid is having a rough time, you know? You're still her parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 No, never... I am the one that asked for a divorce though Is it possible that your ex (her mom) has filled her head up with bad stories about you and also the fact that you filed for D first? Go see your daughter. Make this work. How old is she? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Find a way to get in touch with her mom. It's okay that you've lost touch but you're concerned about your daughter...and she is your exWs daughter too. Maybe she wishes she could talk to you too if the kid is having a rough time, you know? You're still her parents. I wish I could... I have tried emailing her as well, but she was always defensive and resentful to me, since I asked for the divorce... I know that she doesn't want to stay in touch since my daughter turned 18 (we were ok friends before that, no fighting, etc.) as I know she wants to move on to a new chapter in her life... literally 'downsizing' her house to an apartment somewhere after my daughter left to university Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 Is it possible that your ex (her mom) has filled her head up with bad stories about you and also the fact that you filed for D first? Go see your daughter. Make this work. How old is she? I hate to say, this has crossed my mind... my daughter has mentioned before that she has to 'defend' me to her mother (and her family), so I am afraid it has happened (I just don't know how badly) She is 20 now, at university in another country (I know which one) but I have no way to contact her and with all the privacy laws now, I just can't ring up the university, etc. to get her details... I don't know how to get in touch with her Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Yes, I thought we were very close... I would see her quite a lot and called her, exchanged emails, etc. regularly, so I really don't understand... I just can't think why? A female friend of mine said that she cut off contact with her parents when she went to university, and treated them terribly, even though they were very nice and supportive - she later reconnected with them and apologized when she was in her mid-twenties, so maybe it is just a normal 'growing up' and 'distancing-from-your-parents' thing? I can't ask her mother, as we have lost contact as well... (which I can understand, as when she turned 18, we stopped having to stay in touch) As a parent, I think I'd lose my mind if my son just cut me off and I had no clue why. I'd be worried not knowing if he was safe. My heart goes out to you. You have to find a way to reach her and not give up. Find her mom or another relative. Don't give up on her. Could she have a drug problem? Abusive relationship? This just seems odd to me. My dad was a first class ahole and I never disappeared on him without explaining why I needed space. If you were close with her, she'd want to keep that contact with you. Something is a miss here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 As a parent, I think I'd lose my mind if my son just cut me off and I had no clue why. I'd be worried not knowing if he was safe. My heart goes out to you. You have to find a way to reach her and not give up. Find her mom or another relative. Don't give up on her. Could she have a drug problem? Abusive relationship? This just seems odd to me. My dad was a first class ahole and I never disappeared on him without explaining why I needed space. If you were close with her, she'd want to keep that contact with you. Something is a miss here. Yes, i know... I didn't speak with my own father for a few years, but as you did, I told him why first... I have apologized for anything I might have done in emails to her, so that she knows I want to talk about it (whatever it might be) but never get replies - I hate to say, I have started worrying that she is not mentally (or emotionally) well right now, I just can't (or don't want to) imagine why? I sometimes think the best I can do is give her space and see if she comes back to me someday... I really don't know what else to do without just going to her university and sitting there on campus for days hoping to see her Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Yes, i know... I didn't speak with my own father for a few years, but as you did, I told him why first... I have apologized for anything I might have done in emails to her, so that she knows I want to talk about it (whatever it might be) but never get replies - I hate to say, I have started worrying that she is not mentally (or emotionally) well right now, I just can't (or don't want to) imagine why? I sometimes think the best I can do is give her space and see if she comes back to me someday... I really don't know what else to do without just going to her university and sitting there on campus for days hoping to see her My niece bailed on my brother around the same age. Bipolar. 18 is a time when mental illness is typical diagonsed. If there's history of it in the family, that could very well be the case. I wish you peace and answers and for her safe return to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 I wish you peace and answers and for her safe return to you. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Harold of Andraste Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 The masturbation doesn't seem to be the issue at all. Most likely she is mad about the divorce. Could you send her a letter? You may have to send a few of them spread apart over time for her to reply to you. Right now you will just be showing her that you care. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I wish I could... I have tried emailing her as well, but she was always defensive and resentful to me, since I asked for the divorce... I know that she doesn't want to stay in touch since my daughter turned 18 (we were ok friends before that, no fighting, etc.) as I know she wants to move on to a new chapter in her life... literally 'downsizing' her house to an apartment somewhere after my daughter left to university She sold her house as soon as your daughter left for university and got an apartment? It's that normal where you live? Where I live usually parents still provide a home for their children to come home to during summer and breaks from school until they finish with their education. No wonder why your daughter is pissed. At both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author questionlife Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 She sold her house as soon as your daughter left for university and got an apartment? It's that normal where you live? Where I live usually parents still provide a home for their children to come home to during summer and breaks from school until they finish with their education. No wonder why your daughter is pissed. At both of you. I think it was an economic necessity, but I am not sure... or maybe she just wanted to move once my daughter was finished with high school? I do know that it was always in her plan to do this, so I don't think it was any shock to my daughter... (and hopefully it is a two bedroom apartment but I left home at 15 and never went back to live with my parents, so maybe she will do the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 She sold her house as soon as your daughter left for university and got an apartment? It's that normal where you live? Where I live usually parents still provide a home for their children to come home to during summer and breaks from school until they finish with their education. No wonder why your daughter is pissed. At both of you. Upset enough to cut someone out of your life without an explanation? Sheesh, I hope not. I have a degree. Working on number two, but I come from the school of hard knocks. Life certainly deals people worse blows in life than moving into an apartment. There's something deeper going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
kart180 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 OP, I totally get that, I feel for her thou as she would be scared after seeing that Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I think it was an economic necessity, but I am not sure... or maybe she just wanted to move once my daughter was finished with high school? I do know that it was always in her plan to do this, so I don't think it was any shock to my daughter... (and hopefully it is a two bedroom apartment but I left home at 15 and never went back to live with my parents, so maybe she will do the same? Wow I feel sorry for you. You don't know the first thing that's going on in your daughter's life. Why can't you just go to her school or do you not know where she is going either? If not hire a PI. They'll find her. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Are you sure that your daughter is ok? I mean, if my son did this, I would be hysterical because it would mean that something bad had happened to him. If it were me, I'd be at the college trying to find her. And if she is ok, I'd need some answers. This kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Yes, I thought we were very close... I would see her quite a lot and called her, exchanged emails, etc. regularly, ... I am the one that asked for a divorce though ... my daughter has mentioned before that she has to 'defend' me to her mother (and her family), so I am afraid it has happened (I just don't know how badly) Given the above, why on earth do you think her lack of contact has anything to do with her maybe possibly seeing you masturbate one time over a decade ago? You don't even know if she saw you or not - you said you might be imagining this happening. This seems like such a far out conclusion to come to. I'm questioning why you thought this was even worth mentioning. Is there more to this part of the story? In any case, she's your daughter who you apparently had a good relationship with up until her adulthood. It's pretty unacceptable to let that contact slip away for 1.5 years. You say you've emailed her and she hasn't responded. And then you gave up, I guess? There are more ways to try to contact someone - you could snail mail both her and her mother because they might have their mail forwarded to their new place. You could try to find out if you can send mail to her university mail box. You could send a message through any of their friends or family members who know you. You could hire a PI, like someone suggested. And if you exhaust all of these options and they still won't talk to you, then you should wonder why two people chose to abruptly cut you out of their lives. Hint: It's not because your daughter accidentally walked in on you innocently jacking yourself in the 80s. Link to post Share on other sites
girl-in-boots Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 OMG people!!!! Stop being so overly dramatic with the drugs and bi polar and maybe she's been sold into the sex trade blah blah blah. It's what billions of healthy young adults have done for forever, they get a taste of freedom and they enjoy it. Parent sends an email/voice mail they listen, maybe intend to respond but just can't be bothered or forget because guess what, that's what billions of young adults have done for centuries Surely your daughter has had that phase where you and her mother were an embarrassment, didn't know squat from squat and were/are the un-coolest people to ever walk on the planet. It's a natural stage in growing up and growing independent. Yes some people do fall on bad times and we know because we hear it on the news but put it into perspective and remember that that is a small minority, news stations don't bother to tell you how many people are currently back at home safe and well. She'll get in touch when she needs money. In the meantime just send short emails, let her know what's going on etc etc and don't sweat it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts