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My only son is becoming distant


daisy101

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Hello everyone, this is my first post here.

 

I have a son who is 25 years old and finished college last year. His college was in a city about 4 hours away from me and my husband. Since it was a great college and he really wanted to study there, we gave all our support.

 

Well, the problem is: we thought he would want to move back or at least move to a city close to ours, which has way more better job oportunities, but he decided to stay in his current city since he already has a job there (and a girlfriend, of course).

 

He very seldom visits us, stating that whenever he comes, we overbear him and try to control him. While I agree that we can be needy, we only do that because we love him and don't want him to get hurt or anything of the kind.

 

He came here for xmas with his girlfriend and some trouble happened. He wanted to go with his friends and his girlfriend to visit an exposition near our city (which would end soon) on his last day here. I lost my nerves and got really angry with him and ended up exploding and scolding him because he prefered going to see this thing instead of staying with us parents who he barely sees.

 

He ended up leaving a day earlier with his girlfriend. He told me I offended him and didn't need to act that way, that I snapped with his girlfriend who had nothing to do with the subject, and now he's very distant.

 

He doesn't say when he's coming back and now my tentatives of persuade him to move closer are dead.

Me and my husband really do want him near us, and we don't want him to become distant to us.

 

Of course I shouldn't have gotten mad but I don't think he should be giving us this kind of treatment.

 

What can I do?

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I'm not a parent, but this really does sound tough. It must be so hard to see your child grow up and need you less and less.

 

But I think you have to respect his independence. He's a grown man now who's carving out his own life. You should be proud of him for that and take it as a sign of good parenting. Especially in this day and age when a lot of of his peers are unable to support themselves, mooching off their parents, prolonging their adolescence, etc.

 

The fact that he brought his girlfriend to stay with you is also a good sign. That shows he's trying to integrate his adult life with his family. But you have to understand that when he brings her home he's being pulled in a lot of directions and he's going to fail you sometimes.

 

You can't convince him to move back to your city. Continually pressuring him on that will only drive him further away. He wants to do his own thing.

 

He's being a little bratty in not valuing his (limited) time with you more. But I think most kids go through that. It comes and goes in phases. As he matures more he will probably get over it.

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That sounds really tough.

 

My best advice would be to pull back a little, take a trip with just you and your husband, preferably around a holiday, that will show your son that life goes on without him and he is not the center of your universe.

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That sounds really tough.

 

My best advice would be to pull back a little, take a trip with just you and your husband, preferably around a holiday, that will show your son that life goes on without him and he is not the center of your universe.

 

Lol, the funny thing is that my son already suggested this. He says me and my husband worry too much about being parents that we are forgeting about being a couple, and we need time to ourselves. (I kind of agree with this...it's been years since he left and only now we are starting to do "couply" things)

 

I agree with you and him, but my husband is a pain, he says he doesn't want to travel if the family isn't reunited. He usually ended up guilt tripping our son to come with us. I stood against it, I don't think anyone should go on a trip by guilt. But now that he's working and done with college, he doesn't have much time left to travel anyway...

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I'm not a parent, but this really does sound tough. It must be so hard to see your child grow up and need you less and less.

 

But I think you have to respect his independence. He's a grown man now who's carving out his own life. You should be proud of him for that and take it as a sign of good parenting. Especially in this day and age when a lot of of his peers are unable to support themselves, mooching off their parents, prolonging their adolescence, etc.

 

The fact that he brought his girlfriend to stay with you is also a good sign. That shows he's trying to integrate his adult life with his family. But you have to understand that when he brings her home he's being pulled in a lot of directions and he's going to fail you sometimes.

 

You can't convince him to move back to your city. Continually pressuring him on that will only drive him further away. He wants to do his own thing.

 

He's being a little bratty in not valuing his (limited) time with you more. But I think most kids go through that. It comes and goes in phases. As he matures more he will probably get over it.

 

It's tough, I really hate the fact the he lives far away.

 

He's stubborn and we can't put on his head that his life is gonna be way better if he move closer.

 

He says he's happy where he is, and he loves his job but I think the only thing keeping him there is his girlfriend. But I don't see why she couldn't move closer with him anyway, we're not asking him to break up with her.

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Lol, the funny thing is that my son already suggested this. He says me and my husband worry too much about being parents that we are forgeting about being a couple, and we need time to ourselves. (I kind of agree with this...it's been years since he left and only now we are starting to do "couply" things)

 

I agree with you and him, but my husband is a pain, he says he doesn't want to travel if the family isn't reunited. He usually ended up guilt tripping our son to come with us. I stood against it, I don't think anyone should go on a trip by guilt. But now that he's working and done with college, he doesn't have much time left to travel anyway...

 

I was going to suggest maybe doing that too, inviting your son and his GF along, but I really think that your husband and you could use a little enjoyable alone time.

 

Do you have a pet? They can fill in the void that your feeling in this adjustment period. Dogs are a lot like having a kid except they're always happy to see you.

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It's tough, I really hate the fact the he lives far away.

 

He's stubborn and we can't put on his head that his life is gonna be way better if he move closer.

 

He says he's happy where he is, and he loves his job but I think the only thing keeping him there is his girlfriend. But I don't see why she couldn't move closer with him anyway, we're not asking him to break up with her.

 

You can't know that his life would be "way better" if he lives closer to you. Sure, it would be way better for you and your husband. But maybe not for your son. He says he's happy with his life and his job, and until you see evidence otherwise, you should trust him on that.

 

Unfortunately you just don't get a say in where he lives now. You've voiced your opinion (several times, it sounds like), but now it's time to let that rest. It's his decision at this point.

 

And you definitely don't get a say in where the girlfriend lives. The fact that you're even thinking about that signals to me that you may be overstretching in your expectations here.

 

I know this is really hard and I sympathize. But you've got to start viewing your son as the independent man (not child) that he is now.

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It's tough, I really hate the fact the he lives far away.

 

He's stubborn and we can't put on his head that his life is gonna be way better if he move closer.

 

He says he's happy where he is, and he loves his job but I think the only thing keeping him there is his girlfriend. But I don't see why she couldn't move closer with him anyway, we're not asking him to break up with her.

 

That sounds really bad. It's like you're putting all the blame on his GF for the choices he is making. They are his choices.

 

I wouldn't express to him that you blame her in all of this. It may only drive the wedge between you further.

 

Really you should accept his choices because do you really have a choice or a say in it anymore? He's not asking at this point.

 

The worse thing that can happen is things don't work out for him there and then he won't even feel as though he can come home because he will feel like you will say "I told you so".

 

You should really just be a quiet observer. And take what you can get right now. But don't be the mom he doesn't want to come home to. Accept him...all of him.

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You humiliated him in front of his gf. Very bad move. I have a 25 yr old son and I would never do that to him. If you wanted him and his gf to move closer to you then that sure wasn't the way to go about it. Now his gf will likely not even want to visit you much less move near you. I think you should apologize to your son for embarrassing him that way.

 

 

You have to accept that your son is an adult and treat him as such. As long as you and your husband try to hold on to him using guilt and anger the less likely he is to want to have a relationship with you. When he visits you he probably wants to do more then just hang out with his parents. He likely has places and friends who he also misses and wants to see. Stop trying to control and monopolize his time. Let his visits be something he looks forward to and enjoys not something he dreads because of his controlling parents.

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I'm not a parent also...but I think you and your husband trying to control your son's life is the main reason why he doesn't want to visit.

 

I'm actually going through this with my parents, but they are willing to get the message, unlike you.

 

While I think your son should have stayed with you and your husband in the holidays, it was a really messed up thing to scold him in front of his girlfriend. By the way, did you insult the girl in any way? If you did that, well, I think you have your answer about why he is becoming distant.

 

Give him space and spend your time with your husband. Like your own son said, give parenting a break and enjoy being a wife.

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I was going to suggest maybe doing that too, inviting your son and his GF along, but I really think that your husband and you could use a little enjoyable alone time.

 

Do you have a pet? They can fill in the void that your feeling in this adjustment period. Dogs are a lot like having a kid except they're always happy to see you.

 

We don't really like pets, we had a dog back when our son was here.

 

We've been focusing on gardening and flowers, we have a very big backyard full of trees and this kind of stuff. It's been helping us and we love taking care of it. Our next step is to work on some orchids.

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We've been focusing on gardening and flowers, we have a very big backyard full of trees and this kind of stuff. It's been helping us and we love taking care of it. Our next step is to work on some orchids.

 

That sounds pretty. Do you two ever do date nights and go grab dinner somewhere or go see a local show or anything?

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You can't know that his life would be "way better" if he lives closer to you. Sure, it would be way better for you and your husband. But maybe not for your son. He says he's happy with his life and his job, and until you see evidence otherwise, you should trust him on that.

 

Unfortunately you just don't get a say in where he lives now. You've voiced your opinion (several times, it sounds like), but now it's time to let that rest. It's his decision at this point.

 

And you definitely don't get a say in where the girlfriend lives. The fact that you're even thinking about that signals to me that you may be overstretching in your expectations here.

 

I know this is really hard and I sympathize. But you've got to start viewing your son as the independent man (not child) that he is now.

 

I'm sure his life would be better here, he works with IT and we live near a city that is like 'Sillicon Valley' for our contry, he would find so much better oportunities here. His girlfriend also works with IT so it would be a plus for them to move.

 

I get that I can't have a say on where he or his girlfriend lives, but what's wrong on me trying to convince him? I'm his mother and I want the best for him.

 

I really don't mean any harm, I just want what's best for both of us!

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That sounds really bad. It's like you're putting all the blame on his GF for the choices he is making. They are his choices.

 

I wouldn't express to him that you blame her in all of this. It may only drive the wedge between you further.

 

Really you should accept his choices because do you really have a choice or a say in it anymore? He's not asking at this point.

 

The worse thing that can happen is things don't work out for him there and then he won't even feel as though he can come home because he will feel like you will say "I told you so".

 

You should really just be a quiet observer. And take what you can get right now. But don't be the mom he doesn't want to come home to. Accept him...all of him.

 

I'm not blaming on the girl, she has no fault on anything, and is a really nice girl. I hold nothing against her.

 

I guess you and everyone else are right that I push him too hard, but I can't help it!

 

I miss him and want the best for him, I can't just watch him throw his life away :(

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That sounds pretty. Do you two ever do date nights and go grab dinner somewhere or go see a local show or anything?

 

Well not really. We're both 'home lovers' and prefer staying at our house watching a movie and making dinner for ourselves (we love cooking).

 

But we miss our son so badly and can't go there all time to visit. We wish he would take our feelings into account.

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I miss him and want the best for him, I can't just watch him throw his life away :(

 

But you're pushing him away. We parents give our children two things...roots and wings.

 

You've already established his roots so please don't clip his wings.

 

They are his mistakes to make.

 

I'm sure at 25 you didn't have the whole world figured out but how would it feel if you weren't given the opportunity to live your life the way that YOU saw best without there being some hell to pay from your mother?

 

Unconditional love means putting the needs of the other person before your own. He still needs to grow. Please don't forget that.

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Whew, he needs to feel the freedom of being an adult and spending time with you pushes him back into the role of being your kid!! I am 25 too, if my parents behaved like this or even felt like this (the guilt) I would have a real hard time with the relationship but they do celebrate my independence!! Anyway I hope you can let go and see that you are being selfish, he will be more likely to come back around if you give him the respect, he is an adult man now!!

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I really like amaysngrace's advice...

 

I would like to tell a small story though..

 

When I was about 26, my father has passed away a few years before and my family consisted on 2 Mom's.. my Step Mom and Mom..(4 sisters and a brother too)

They both used to guilt trip me into whose house I was going to spend X-mas and Thanksgiving at.

In the past I gave Thanksgiving to my Mom and X-mas to my Step Mom until one year they decided they both wanted me to be at each house for each holiday... different states so that wasn't possible.

 

The guilt trip that each was putting on me was enormous for a 26 year old.. so... what I did was tell them both I'm not coming to anybody's house for the holidays and I stayed at home by myself for both Thanksgiving and X-mas..

 

They never did that to me ever again...

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I'm sure his life would be better here, he works with IT and we live near a city that is like 'Sillicon Valley' for our contry, he would find so much better oportunities here. His girlfriend also works with IT so it would be a plus for them to move.

 

I get that I can't have a say on where he or his girlfriend lives, but what's wrong on me trying to convince him? I'm his mother and I want the best for him.

 

I really don't mean any harm, I just want what's best for both of us!

 

It's not wrong of you to wish the best for his future, and it's natural that you have your own opinions about how he can achieve that. It also makes sense that you would prefer your only son to live close by.

 

But again, these are his decisions to make as a grown man. Even if he makes mistakes (who doesn't), those are his mistakes to live through and learn from.

 

It sounds like he has committed to living where he is right now, with his current job and girlfriend. By trying to convince him he should be somewhere else doing other things, you're criticizing his choices and demeaning him. You're also making him feel guilty for not bowing to your wishes.

 

I'm sure your son is already well aware of your opinions. It's time to stop your campaign of pressuring him and let go of what you can't control.

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Well not really. We're both 'home lovers' and prefer staying at our house watching a movie and making dinner for ourselves (we love cooking).

 

But we miss our son so badly and can't go there all time to visit. We wish he would take our feelings into account.

 

Didn't you know this day was going to come though? That he'd be off living his life somewhere without you?

 

I'm kinda shocked that you weren't looking forward to it actually or counting down the months like I am.

 

I'm sure that he cares about your feelings but he isn't going to put your wants for him above his own and it's seriously unfair of you both to demand that of him.

 

We give them life but it's theirs to live.

 

And you have to be realistic. If your only interests are gardening and cooking and being at home do you really believe that a 25 year old would want to be there all that often rather than being somewhere else having fun?

 

These are his years for fun. He is earning and has limited responsibilities. Do you not see that?

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I'm sure his life would be better here, he works with IT and we live near a city that is like 'Sillicon Valley' for our contry, he would find so much better oportunities here. His girlfriend also works with IT so it would be a plus for them to move.

 

I get that I can't have a say on where he or his girlfriend lives, but what's wrong on me trying to convince him? I'm his mother and I want the best for him.

 

I really don't mean any harm, I just want what's best for both of us!

 

No, you want what is best for you. I had a mother like this. We don't talk much and I am careful about the subjects I broach with her because I don't trust her not to cross boundaries. Is that what you want with your son? Let go.

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Op, i sincerely understand your desire to maintain that parent -adult child bond. its admirable. As a mother myself, i stood in your shoes. Its bitter-sweet to realize they are now apart of society and you and your husband are not their center. Each moment that can be captured needs to be more open and welcoming of change. Its how relationships grow. Trust me when i say the deeper the distance the strong the roots to grow. Some traditions are for family and on those you do have some empowerment. Choose your battles wisely. Be the lady and mother that your son can admire and talk to when those moments present themselves. No matter the distance he will have a place in your heart. Take comfort in that. It does get better.

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Thanks for everyone who shared opinions here.

 

I was posting as soon as I was receiving them, so I was kinda angry for not reading what I wanted to read, and I'm sorry for being like this.

 

I told my husband about this post and he agreed with all of you, then he said I should just read the opinions and sleep over to digest them. It's what I did.

 

I understand that my son is now a grown man and he doesn't need me. I can't stop feeling, though, he's becoming even more distant and I don't want this to happen. He doesn't need to live nearby but at least visit once in a while without me having to telling him I miss him.

 

Also, he has told us he wants to propose to his girlfriend and they are planning to marry in 2016 or most likely 2017 (so they would have more money saved, our economy is a mess but they're doing fine), when they are both 28/27.

Even though I want him to have a family (and of course, provide me grandkids lol), I thought it would be best for him to focus on himself, study more, get more comfortable fincancially before thinking about marriage. I have absolutely NOTHING against the girl before anyone there start talking about me being jealous. She has a very pretty story and went through a lot in her life, I really admire her. Of course we have our differences, but who doesn't?

 

Anyway, I voiced this with my son and he didn't agree with me. He says he's doing fine with his job, happy where he's settled and has known/dated this girl for quite some time, so he says he's pretty sure he wants to marry her.

 

Again, I know he's a grown man and responsible for his own actions, but I can't stop feeling this is somewhat a mistake and I don't know what can I do to make him see that. :(

 

Anyone there went through anything of the kind?

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He doesn't need to see anything, it's you that needs to understand that if you don't stop offering unasked for advice and trying to control your sons life, you are taking the chance of losing him. He's an adult and has earned the right to make his own decisions. He's going to stop sharing things with you if you keep telling him he's making mistakes.

 

He sounds like a good man, you did your job well. It's time to let him go. Share in his life in a positive way and he will want to come and visit and you never know he might even decide he wants to move closer.

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He's not a little boy anymore, he's a man. A man who gets to make his own decisions and not be told how to live his life.

 

But he's not just any man - he's your son - so trust him!!!

 

You've done the raising off him, now you just have to let him go. He'll always be your son, the only thing that can break that is you by constantly putting up roadblocks (in his mind).

Maybe he'll screw up, make mistakes, but didn't you? And you got by okay right? I've learn't more from my mistakes than my first time victories for sure. I've got plenty of scars, but i could tell you how i got most of them and i could tell you why, and that now i keep blades sheathed when on a boat, and i make sure I break up a dog fight at the back end not where the teeth are. I'm human, and i'm learning. And so's your son! He doesnt need protecting anymore, he doesnt need you to tell him to watch his fingers in the car door, nor does he need you to tell him where to live or when to marry his girlfriend. He can work all that out for himself!

 

The more you, to be frank - stick your oar in (cause thats how i'd feel), the more and more distant he'll become!

Worst case senario - your right, he's wrong, then be his parents help him pick up the pieces! But you can just support him when he's doing what you want you have to support him always!

 

He's your son. But he;s got is own life, you need to have yours! you cant live through him! Force him to make the choices you would make. Cause he's not you, and he's not your husband, he's his own man and he has to find his own path - you cant do that for him! You'll simply destroy the relationship.

 

 

My sister went away to uni and never moved back, yeah my folks wish she was round the corner like me and my brother, but she's not, but she's happy, so they just have to make the time they do see her count for something!

They don't call her husband to help fix their fallen down fence or babysit for her while they grocery shop like they might for me or my brother and our wives. But they make the time they spend together quality.

 

Likewise i'd never move far from my roots but I know my mum always had her reservations about my wife. My nan told her "she might not be the daughter in law you'd pick, but she is the gf your son picks, she's right for him", and my mum never interfered, never tried to change my mind, never treated her any different to my brothers wife.

And you know they get on super well now - hell I don't get invited to their 'lunches' anymore, my mums always like "we'll pick a day Alfies at work" :rolleyes::laugh:

 

 

It doesnt matter if you think its a mistake. It doesnt matter if it IS a mistake. You just have to let it play out!

 

When i was about 13 i started driving tractors - on my 3rd or 4th lesson my dad put a big squeeky toy behind the back wheel I could never of seen in a million years! Scared me half to death when i hopped in the cab, glanced in the mirror and hit reverse! He did it for a reason though - said you can tell a man 100 times to look - but he doesnt really see, its in one ear and out the other till its all too real and somethings broken or someones dead!

I don't remember half the lectures my parents gave me, but i'll always remember that mini heart attack i had in the cab, and i'll always check behind the wheels!

 

Everyone makes mistakes - don't take that right away from him!

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