Adult Step son, My reaction.

[Thicke2013]

So my wife and I are newlyweds (married on New Year's Eve). I have 2 teenage daughters and a 6 yo son and she has one son who is grown and married with a child of his own and the 25 yo that lives with us. Now, before I get a bunch of replies about how he should be on his own, it is in the works.

 

 

What I need advice on is my reaction to things. Such as, when I come home and find a few dirty dishes in the sink that he could have easily put in the dishwasher, I get angry. I may get a little agitated with my children for the same, but I get really agitated when it is him because I feel at his age he should know better. Other (what I call small) things are, leaving his room dirty, borrowing his mom's car and leaving fast food bags in her car.

 

 

Another example, a few weeks ago I took her car and vacuumed it out for her while she was out of town for work. The carpet on the drivers side was covered in shavings from scratch off lottery tickets. That stuff is HELL to get out of carpets! I lightheartedly told him in front of her that I was going to beat him if he did that again, because it was such a pain in the a$$ to clean. I hoped he would get the point. Today what do I find? More shavings from lottery scratch offs in the floor carpet. It really pisses me off! I try not to react to her and let her know that I am pissed off but it is really hard. When I bring things like this up, she gets aggravated with me.

 

 

Am I being unreasonable? I ask myself all the time if I would expect my children to act differently and the answer is YES! I expect them to be more respectful and I punish them if they aren't. When I was 25 I was married, had 2 children and owned my own home. I cannot relate to him very well and I just want to know if I am over reacting. Any helpful advice appreciated. Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

You may have different standards than he was raised with. Yelling isn't going to help. Talking & clearly communicating expectations is better. Talk about the example he wants to set for his child. Discuss what you are going to say with your wife before you start spouting house rules that she hasn't agreed to.

[Tayla]

Know when and how to give a directive." Plates go in the dishwater seem to work or washed any put away". Refrain from Bullying or pestering.

 

HE is an equal, in an adult world. Show him that much.

 

Guiding a person with positive traits works better then belittling

[Thicke2013]

You may have different standards than he was raised with. Yelling isn't going to help. Talking & clearly communicating expectations is better. Talk about the example he wants to set for his child. Discuss what you are going to say with your wife before you start spouting house rules that she hasn't agreed to.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. I do know that there are some differences. Just to be clear, I have never yelled. Actually, I have probably been to passive. I think I need to set clear boundaries with him myself. My wife and I agree that we are going to talk with him and that never happens. He bully's her to some extent with his anger because she doesn't want to get that upset so I believe that she avoids him. I think it is time that he and I talk. I have to let him know what my expectations are.

 

Know when and how to give a directive." Plates go in the dishwater seem to work or washed any put away". Refrain from Bullying or pestering.

 

HE is an equal, in an adult world. Show him that much.

 

Guiding a person with positive traits works better then belittling

 

 

Thanks. As I said above, I have never belittled him. I have passively told him that he needs to help more or clean up more. I think what he may need is more clear direction. Such as, put your dishes away, etc.

 

I know that he is an adult and doesn't want to be treated like a child, however, in that respect he behaves very much like a child. His room is always a mess, he seldom picks up after himself. One area that has seemed to rub me is smoking. My middle daughter is allergic to cigarette smoke. He has never smoked in the house, however, he does in the garage. That smell travels right in the house as soon as the door is opened. Prior to surgery he was asked to smoke outside on the deck and he did. Post surgery he claimed he almost fell on the deck due to frost. I gave him permission to smoke in the garage until he is healed so long as he cleaned up the mess. On multiple occasions when I go home there on the steps from the garage to the house are cigarette butts and ashes. It eats at me to the point that I feel my blood pressure climb. I need to sit him down and let him know what I expect. Thanks again.

[mrs rubble]

Just be patient and persistant, my 16yo is a pain in the butt...with the same types of things, dishes, mess, ash and cigarette butts. My partner (his step dad.) gets really snappy with him and barks ordwers to which son digs in heels and refuses to do!

I on the other hand, when I notice something, ask straight away "could you put those dishes away please", if you're consistantly asking politely asbout the same thing over and over eventually, all you need is eye contact, now I just have to look at a plate left in the living room and he picks it up and puts it away without a word.

As for your anger, these things are really quite minor (although highly frustrating) and shouldn't really evoke a reaction like this. Changing this is up to you. Perhaps you have bigger problems buried and need to talk? Maybe you need to remind yourself, that lottery scratchings on the car floor is way more preferable to a drink driving offence, or taking the car without permission, or crashing it showing off? Maybe meditation or yoga could help you to de stress?

[bubbaganoosh]

Maybe if he stopped buying lottery tickets, he might be able to afford a place of his own.

 

Does he have a job? What does he do? Honestly the fault lies with your wife for not booting him in the ass and getting him to grow up.

[Thicke2013]

Just be patient and persistant, my 16yo is a pain in the butt...with the same types of things, dishes, mess, ash and cigarette butts. My partner (his step dad.) gets really snappy with him and barks ordwers to which son digs in heels and refuses to do!

I on the other hand, when I notice something, ask straight away "could you put those dishes away please", if you're consistantly asking politely asbout the same thing over and over eventually, all you need is eye contact, now I just have to look at a plate left in the living room and he picks it up and puts it away without a word.

As for your anger, these things are really quite minor (although highly frustrating) and shouldn't really evoke a reaction like this. Changing this is up to you. Perhaps you have bigger problems buried and need to talk? Maybe you need to remind yourself, that lottery scratchings on the car floor is way more preferable to a drink driving offence, or taking the car without permission, or crashing it showing off? Maybe meditation or yoga could help you to de stress?

 

 

Thank you. I do ask and I don't lash out at him. I guess my anger comes from the fact that he is 25 and my kids do a better job of cleaning up after themselves than he does. Another example just happened this morning. He is still recovering somewhat and has trouble sleeping so he was up all night. This morning I come downstairs to find a load of dress clothes that I had put in the dryer before bed last night wadded up on the couch because he had to get them out of his way so he could wash his own clothes. I mean, just last night I was folding his laundry up so the least he could do is hang them up right? It's not one big thing but a snowball effect of all the little things.

 

I agree that I need to do something to decompress. I need to get back in the gym. Since we bought the house I haven't done that due to being so busy and always having something to do. I will make that priority.

 

Maybe if he stopped buying lottery tickets, he might be able to afford a place of his own.

 

Does he have a job? What does he do? Honestly the fault lies with your wife for not booting him in the ass and getting him to grow up.

 

 

bubbaganoosh, that is a whole other topic. My wife owns her part in this most of the time. He is definitely failure to launch and there is even another thread about that on here somewhere. Lately she has done better about sticking with what she says and being more persistent about setting proper boundaries with him.

 

 

I have to get this sorted out because it is becoming a huge deal in our marriage. Last night he text her and told her he had to work tonight and needed her car. She told him she had to have it because I was going to file taxes today and she has a work function tonight and needed her car. Fast forward to this morning and she asks him what he is going to do and he pops off and says stop asking me stupid questions. I didn't say anything.

 

We walk outside and I start telling her how mad that makes me and that I can't handle him talking to her like that in my house and it becomes a fight between she and I. I hate feeling like I have no voice in my own home. She feels like I make a big deal out of everything and maybe she's right. I am at a loss this morning. Really struggling with all of this. Thanks for listening to my rant.