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Dealing with strict parents in adulthood


nyfan1992

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I am 22 years old, have recently graduated from college last May and have been working a full-time professional job since July. I am still living at home, as my college loans are substantial and my current living situation allows me to save some money. While my parents do provide me with food and shelter (which I greatly appreciate), I am largely self-sufficient. I pay for all my medical bills, clothing, college loans, transportation to and from work, non-essentials, etc. I work very hard at my job and have recently been promoted to a unique managerial position at my company in only my 6 month there.

 

I bring up these accomplishments not to brag, but to demonstrate why I believe I should be treated like an adult. Unfortunately, my parents do not treat me as such. They are very religious and conservative in their views, believing that children should always obey their parents as long as they are living under their roof. This forces me into a very difficult situation, as I am forced to often lie to them about my plans that I know they would disapprove of for mostly religious reasons. I envy my friends with less authoritative parents who can openly talk to them about their lives without judgment or consequences. I absolutely hate lying to my parents and wish I could tell them the truth. Unfortunately, I have seen the negative consequences of being truthful and the perceived benefit of just lying to them and keeping them blissfully ignorant.

 

To provide a recent example and the reason why I decided to ask for advice here, my new girlfriend and I are planning on going on a trip to the Dominican Republic for a few nights in March. I have never left the country before and can only see my girlfriend every couple of months, as she is finishing her senior year in college that is distant from me. This would be an incredible experience for us to share together. I have saved up the money for this trip over the months and will be paying for everything on my own. I know my parents would not let me go if I told them I would be going with her, so I told them that I will be going with my college friends and that there is a small chance she would be there with her friends. Like I said I hate lying to my parents and I wanted to be as honest as possible within the realm of reason so I figured I was still being somewhat truthful by telling them that she could be there.

 

They reacted negatively to this and said how inappropriate it is to go on a vacation with a girlfriend and that I should save these experiences for my future wife. I told them how when they react like this it makes me learn to lie to them and not be open with them about my life. I said that I could have lied about her being there, but I wanted to be honest with them. They will still let me go on the trip, but have voiced their disapproval about her being there.

 

My girlfriend and I will be flying together from the same airport so it would make the most sense to drive together. Unfortunately, I will not be able to use my car, as I have two younger siblings who will need it to drive to school and it wouldn't make sense to keep my car parked at the airport for 5 days. I am completely understanding of that. So the next best option would be for my girlfriend to drive us. Knowing my parents, however, they will not be happy with this and it will only fuel their suspicion that my friends won't be there and it will just be the two of us.

 

I don't know what to do. I have not told my girlfriend yet about how strict my parents are and I don't want to tell her that they don't want us going on a vacation together, as it is extremely embarrassing for someone at my age to be so controlled by their parents. We have also only been dating for a little over a month so I don't think it's time to talk about my deep familial issues right now. I know she would be understanding but it's too embarrassing for me to tell her.

 

My question isn't even about my strict parents. This is just who they are and that will never change. Instead, how do I deal with this situation of trying to balance my parents not finding out and not telling my girlfriend about how strict they are? I know it will seem weird when I tell her we can't drive together so what should my excuse be?

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This is the problem with lying. It just gets more and more complicated and turns into a big web of deceit. You started this thread by stating that you have to lie to your parents and then ended it by asking how to lie to your gf. Do you not see the problem with this?

 

 

I get that you are in a difficult position with your parents and I agree that they are somewhat over controlling given your age and your apparent success at being responsible and reasonable. However I still think it's wrong for you to lie to them. You make it sound like you have no other choice but to tell lies but actually that's not true. If they have a rule that says as long as you live in their house you will abide by their rules then you accept that or you don't. If you don't then you can make whatever sacrifices are necessary for you to leave home. You may have to live with several roommates or accept that it's going to take you longer than you originally planned to repay your student loans but you are not being forced to lie to your parents. You are choosing to lie to them so you can have the benefits of living at home rent free, and now those lies are beginning to spill over onto other people in your life including your gf.

 

 

I speak from experience as I was in much the same situation as teenager. My stepfather wasn't only strict to the highest degree he was also mentally disturbed so I never knew what I might say or do that would set him off at me. Therefore I hid my true self from him and lied to him about pretty much everything. If he knocked at my bedroom door and asked what I was doing I would say I was doing homework even if I was really reading comics. Whenever he asked where I was going I said I was doing something that couldn't possibly be against the rules like I was going to the library to study or to some church thing instead of being honest and saying I was going to hang out with a friend or go to a movie. There wasn't really any hard rules against going to hang out with a friend or reading comics but like I said, he was a mental case, so I never knew what his rules were from one day to the next, so I lied.

 

 

I left home when I was sixteen and I had a hard go of it but I felt like I was dying under the control of my nutso stepfather and my incredibly needy and immature mother. By the time I left lying was second nature to me and I would lie about the most asinine things. When a lie would be discovered people were not only upset about being lied to they were also bewildered by why I would lie about such stupid small things. I just couldn't stand for anyone to be disappointed in me or disapprove of me in any way and so I always tried to tell people what I thought they would most want to hear.

 

 

I'm sure my situation was more extreme than yours but it's a slippery slope and you have started down that slope as you are now spreading the lies around and including more people. Again you are not being forced to lie. That is a choice you are making. You can try one more time to discuss the rules with your parents but don't do it in a petulant childish way because that will get you nowhere. Start by telling them that you love them and that you appreciate their continued support, then tell them you feel that you can no longer live under their strict control and that if they cannot accept that you are an adult and loosen some of their restrictions that you will not be able to continue to live at home. They mays say "don't let the door hit you on your way out" in which case you start looking for roommates. On the other hand they may feel like they have the upper hand because they don't believe you actually have the balls or the courage to leave home. Once it becomes clear to them that you are prepared to leave they may decide that they actually want you to live at home and be willing to compromise.

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It's time to be your own man at 22. You are an adult, and that is why you have this encroaching feeling about this. You are in an unnatural environment, you can no longer be told by any other adult, how to live your life.

 

Yes you can save money, but at what cost? (no pun intended :) )

 

You are in a very important stage in your life where you start to develop individually as a young adult. And you living with your (controlling) parents, will hamper that. It may even cost you relationships down the line, including your current one. How are you to explain your girlfriend that your trip together is your dirty little secret? How will that make her feel? Will you start lying to your girlfriend about it? What kind of foundation are you giving yourself here?

 

We all have student loans, and we suffer through the payments, by ourselves, that is how it works. Certainly for me at least. Please, reconsider your situation, and notice that it is a very toxic element to your development, self-responsibility, and self-reliance?

 

Those are just some of the more critical questions you should ask yourself.

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Parents never stop being parents, they still provide for you.. food and shelter as well as emotional support so they are exercising their parental duties trying to keep you on the track they feel you should be riding.

 

IMO, you should be able to go on vacation with whoever you choose and they will have to live with it, they may provide food and shelter but they don't control all aspects of your life.. only those aspects under their own roof.

 

Just so you know.. one day when you are older you will most likely have an awakening and apologize to your parents..

Most children think their parents are full of shiot and in reality they aren't and we don't realize that until we get older..

 

I would act like an adult, tell your parents your plans for your vacation and let it go like that, they are responsible for how they react to your decision..

You just have to be prepared to accept their reaction like an adult too.

 

Good Luck...

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My question isn't even about my strict parents. This is just who they are and that will never change. Instead, how do I deal with this situation of trying to balance my parents not finding out and not telling my girlfriend about how strict they are? I know it will seem weird when I tell her we can't drive together so what should my excuse be?

 

I am going to be very truthful with you - your parents are who they are and that's not going to change. If you hate lying to them as much as you say you do, then stop lying. If you don't like their input in your life then what do you think you should do? (Hint, get your own place). Now, as far as your girlfriend goes, if you want to be treated like and adult, then there is not need to lie to or make excuses with her. Why are you so afraid to just be honest and upfront with people? Why do you feel the need to be dishonest and fake? Are those the traits you want in a girlfriend? All loving relationships are based on honest and open communication. Give it a try...

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OP, you work (i assume you are in the US). your employer has certain expectations, those include: being on time, completing your assignments to their satisfaction, and demonstrating acceptable behavior at ALL times (if you are that smart you know what i mean). in return they pay you. and if you find this unacceptable you find another job.

 

well what is the difference? your parents provide a safe home and board. in return they expect X and Y. so what is the problem. their home their rules. you don't like it find another.

 

BTW soap costs money as does toilet paper and water and sewer and heat and electricity and cable/satellite and internet and...

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It's actually very simple. Move out.

 

My parents were very strict. I moved out. They no longer had any say in what I did, where I went or how I spent my money. Yes, they still make comments & expressed disapproval but it was much easier to make my own choices when I had a home of my own to go to.

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My daughter is 24, living at home while she attends grad school. I'm having to repeatedly push her to act like an adult and SHOW us that we should no longer treat her like a kid. It's not about us, it's about her. She has to take the steps to no longer let us baby her. YOU have to take the steps to no longer let them baby you. When they try, smile, hug them, and say "I love you, but I'm a grownup now, and sometimes I'm gonna need to do things for me and you're not going to approve."

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They are very religious and conservative in their views, believing that children should always obey their parents as long as they are living under their roof. This forces me into a very difficult situation, as I am forced to often lie to them

 

Whoa there. While I agree with you that your parents are completely overbearing and excessively controlling, nobody is forcing you into this situation. You are not a 17 yo with no other choice. You are 22 and, by your own words, are 'largely self-sufficient'. You chose to continue to live with your parents to save money. This situation with your parents is the direct result of your choice.

 

If I were you I would take the financial hit and move out if at all possible. Not just for this trip with your gf, but for your own life.

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Your parents are not going to Change, they will be strict forever.

You need to get a place on your own, maybe get a roommate to help w expenses.

As far as the trip I would go but don't let your parents see you driving their together,because if one day you want to marry her, they will think she is not good enough and inappropriate based on this trip.

I'm a mom of 3 kids, oldest is 18. But I was young once and had really strict parents and I broke every rule in the book....

 

You can still be respectful to them but not tell them everything. That's not lying. Truly at the age of 22 it's kind of none of their business anymore.

Move out! Good luck!

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Well, there must be a reason why you haven't already moved out, OP.

I wonder if it's a good one or bad one?

Could it be that you're still dependent on them?

Cultural, religious, or economic hand-me-downs from parents can stick like crazy glue.

Lying is never a good option. However, until you're completely independent, it doesn't sound like you're going to win their approval of your choices.

 

Or perhaps the didn't raise you to be independent.

They raised you to be obedient.

There is a difference.

 

But if they didn't raise you to be independent - you won't be until you conduct and win your own war of independence.

How you do that is up to you.

It can be messy and destructive - or it can be short and decisive.

That's up to you.

 

I dunno.....I was independent at the age of 16. My son, at 18.(It ran in the family.)

Freedom has its costs.

You have to decide what you're willing to pay.

If it's worth enough to you......no price is too much.

 

Moving out sounds so straight and simple, I know.

Except in these times, it often isn't.

 

However - no one is going to give you your freedom.

You have to win it yourself.

Good luck!

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Well...I'm the one who agrees with your parents. You are living under their roof, thus you should follow their rules.

 

I grew up believing every kid should listen to their parents.

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It is nice to be able to save money, but your sanity is priceless. My husband and I are moving back out after a year of living with family due to financial hardship. While we will have a little less extra cash, I am looking forward to having my freedom and independence back. If you work full time and want to save money, find a roommate and move out on your own. You will never be fully independent until you're paying for everything 100% on your own.

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Standard-Fare

It also stood out to me that you're spending your money on a foreign vacation, given the way you've presented your financial situation. Obviously you do have some extra cash to spend as you please. If that's the case you should be spending that money on an independent living situation. As others have said, you can live cheaply in a simple place with roommates. Then you'll be a free man.

 

Another thing that stood out to me is that you're going on this vacation with a girlfriend you've only been dating for one month. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but if you're comfortable enough to spend several days alone with her on vacation, then you should also be comfortable enough to tell her the truth about your parents. All you need to explain is that they're conservative and religious, and don't approve of spending the night with a girlfriend. A lot of people deal with that challenge. I'm sure she'd be more understanding than you think. After all, it's not a personal rejection of HER specifically.

 

But I understand that you wouldn't want your GF to meet your parents for the first time under these circumstances. If you're committed to this lie about going on the trip with "friends," then arrange to have your GF pick you up at some location outside your house. Be honest with her about why. With your parents you could say you're meeting up with your friend elsewhere because it's more convenient for "him."

 

Then get out of this house so you never have to deal with this type of crap again. :cool:

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It also stood out to me that you're spending your money on a foreign vacation, given the way you've presented your financial situation. Obviously you do have some extra cash to spend as you please. If that's the case you should be spending that money on an independent living situation. As others have said, you can live cheaply in a simple place with roommates. Then you'll be a free man.

 

Another thing that stood out to me is that you're going on this vacation with a girlfriend you've only been dating for one month. There's nothing wrong with that, really, but if you're comfortable enough to spend several days alone with her on vacation, then you should also be comfortable enough to tell her the truth about your parents. All you need to explain is that they're conservative and religious, and don't approve of spending the night with a girlfriend. A lot of people deal with that challenge. I'm sure she'd be more understanding than you think. After all, it's not a personal rejection of HER specifically.

 

But I understand that you wouldn't want your GF to meet your parents for the first time under these circumstances. If you're committed to this lie about going on the trip with "friends," then arrange to have your GF pick you up at some location outside your house. Be honest with her about why. With your parents you could say you're meeting up with your friend elsewhere because it's more convenient for "him."

 

Then get out of this house so you never have to deal with this type of crap again. :cool:

 

I agree with this...you're not 100% on your own financially and you're taking exotic vacations. Of course they're not going to be pleased. Save the vacations for when you have a place of your own, paying all of your own bills and have savings set aside.

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spanishchick00

You need to move out. As long as you live under there roof, you're going to live by their rules and will be all in your business. In early adulthood, you want freedom to go out, be friends with whoever, date whoever. It's impossible to do that. Sounds like you have a decent job, save money to get your own place. And of course, when you on your own, they will still be in your business, but you won't be under a microscope.

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I agree that you should move out and be on your own. But in the short term, why not take a cab to your girlfriend's house, and have her drive from there?

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