step son doing drugs again...affecting my kids

[mokabean]

My step son, 15, is doing drugs again. My husband and his ex-wife are so lenient with him. They say they will ground him for months, but it ends up being one week. They say they will pull him from private school (we pay 20K a year) for cutting classes,detentions and suspensions, but never do (and I know this sounds selfish, but it is mortifying for me to have a kid at the school where I teach get in trouble all the time). This time I caught him smoking pot right outside my 8 year old daughter's window. I tossed his room and found all kinds of things within reach of my daughter (one of which liquid nicotine that smell like strawberries in an old xmas stocking... she would have totally drank it thinking it was liquid candy). The whole mess is also really affecting my own son emotionally as he worries about his little brother... and he can't confide in anyone outside the family because his brother will turn on him.

 

My husband has such a blind eye when it comes to his son. Whenever his kid gets in trouble, he turns around and starts telling me that my kid is no saint either (yes, but my kid has a 4.0, never has had detention, and while not perfect... he has even called me to pick him up from a party when he drank). This kid is taking a toll on my marriage, my sanity and it is now affecting the health and safety of my daughter. My step son swears he will never do it again.. but we've been there before. He tells us there is nothing wrong with what he is doing and he is only sorry he got caught.

 

How do I protect everyone from him without destroying my marriage?

[beach]

Sorry - reposting... realized I put in wrong forum

 

My step son, 15, is doing drugs again. My husband and his ex-wife are so lenient with him. They say they will ground him for months, but it ends up being one week. They say they will pull him from private school (we pay 20K a year) for cutting classes,detentions and suspensions, but never do (and I know this sounds selfish, but it is mortifying for me to have a kid at the school where I teach get in trouble all the time). This time I caught him smoking pot right outside my 8 year old daughter's window. I tossed his room and found all kinds of things within reach of my daughter (one of which liquid nicotine that smell like strawberries in an old xmas stocking... she would have totally drank it thinking it was liquid candy). The whole mess is also really affecting my own son emotionally as he worries about his little brother... and he can't confide in anyone outside the family because his brother will turn on him.

 

My husband has such a blind eye when it comes to his son. Whenever his kid gets in trouble, he turns around and starts telling me that my kid is no saint either (yes, but my kid has a 4.0, never has had detention, and while not perfect... he has even called me to pick him up from a party when he drank). This kid is taking a toll on my marriage, my sanity and it is now affecting the health and safety of my daughter. My step son swears he will never do it again.. but we've been there before. He tells us there is nothing wrong with what he is doing and he is only sorry he got caught.

 

How do I protect everyone from him without destroying my marriage?

 

You can move out but stay married.

 

That way you protect your kids while they get older and you can just date your husband.

 

When the kids gets older you can move back in together.

 

 

I'd move his school. He's not respecting the private school environment. Enroll him in public school.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

How do I protect everyone from him without destroying my marriage?

 

You just spent 2 long paragraphs explaining why those are probably mutually exclusive. The only thing you can do is explain to your husband that you feel like you have to choose--its going to sound like an ultimatium to him--and it probably is.

 

So, unless you want to choose your marriage over safety/sanity, do nothing and learn to live with it. If not, explain to your husband what you just told us.

 

If this is what your marriage is going to be like, is it a marriage that you really want to save?

[hurtmom337]

mokabean,

 

I am in a similar situation.

 

My husband and I travel for work and are away from home 2 weeks every month. During this time, my 19 yo SD is allowed to stay home alone. The reason is because she doesn't get along with her BM. My SD has huge issues with her BM and their relationship is strained. My husband is really lenient and usually tries to be their friend. While I'm more strict.

 

Because SD is home alone, she didn't graduate from HS, doesn't have a job, no license, and no motivation. She treats our house like it's her house and will have friends over at all house. Everything in that house has either been broken or went missing. SD also started to smoke pot and cigarettes, and drink at the house. My husband gives her a living allowance to buy food and whatever else she wants.

 

Our house is destroyed. Every time I come home, I find dirty dishes that haven't been cleaned in weeks, drugs, her bong's out and she was using our bedroom to have sex. I also noticed she was stealing money out of my kids' piggy banks. I have put a lock on my kids' door and made my husband put a lock on ours. However, my husband intentionally keeps our bedroom door open. Every time I find something, I have to tell my husband who will then tell her SD to stop. I was never really allowed to discipline or tell my step kids what to do. I was more of a role model. It has gotten to the point that I'm being treated worse than a house guest or roommate. I'm considered a second class citizen who cleans and cooks for the family.

 

The drugs and smoking hasn't stopped and it's getting worse. Even though my Husband tells his daughter to stop, she doesn't listen and will continue her bad behavior. My SD is smoking in her room while my kids and I are in the same house.

 

It's finally come down to a conversation that I had with my husband a month ago. My Husband told me he's tired of hearing me tell him about what his daughter is doing. He has told me his daughter is allowed to smoke pot in the house when no one is there. If she comes home and smells like pot, that's okay too. I am supposed to accept it and ignore what she does. During this conversation, he said he doesn't want to have to kick his daughter out. I told him he doesn't have to, I'll move out. He said "okay". That was the last straw.

 

I'm making plans to move my kids and I out of the house. I haven't told my husband yet, but when I do, I will tell him that I would still like to be married, but I need to protect my kids from what is going on. I could lose my kids. I will propose counseling for a year at a minimum to help resolve this issue.

 

I am afraid to say that if you don't have 100% support from your Husband, it'll get worse. I suggest counseling to help resolve your issues.

 

Good luck

[Priv]

mokabean,

 

I am in a similar situation.

 

My husband and I travel for work and are away from home 2 weeks every month. During this time, my 19 yo SD is allowed to stay home alone. The reason is because she doesn't get along with her BM. My SD has huge issues with her BM and their relationship is strained. My husband is really lenient and usually tries to be their friend. While I'm more strict.

 

Because SD is home alone, she didn't graduate from HS, doesn't have a job, no license, and no motivation. She treats our house like it's her house and will have friends over at all house. Everything in that house has either been broken or went missing. SD also started to smoke pot and cigarettes, and drink at the house. My husband gives her a living allowance to buy food and whatever else she wants.

 

Our house is destroyed. Every time I come home, I find dirty dishes that haven't been cleaned in weeks, drugs, her bong's out and she was using our bedroom to have sex. I also noticed she was stealing money out of my kids' piggy banks. I have put a lock on my kids' door and made my husband put a lock on ours. However, my husband intentionally keeps our bedroom door open. Every time I find something, I have to tell my husband who will then tell her SD to stop. I was never really allowed to discipline or tell my step kids what to do. I was more of a role model. It has gotten to the point that I'm being treated worse than a house guest or roommate. I'm considered a second class citizen who cleans and cooks for the family.

 

The drugs and smoking hasn't stopped and it's getting worse. Even though my Husband tells his daughter to stop, she doesn't listen and will continue her bad behavior. My SD is smoking in her room while my kids and I are in the same house.

 

It's finally come down to a conversation that I had with my husband a month ago. My Husband told me he's tired of hearing me tell him about what his daughter is doing. He has told me his daughter is allowed to smoke pot in the house when no one is there. If she comes home and smells like pot, that's okay too. I am supposed to accept it and ignore what she does. During this conversation, he said he doesn't want to have to kick his daughter out. I told him he doesn't have to, I'll move out. He said "okay". That was the last straw.

 

I'm making plans to move my kids and I out of the house. I haven't told my husband yet, but when I do, I will tell him that I would still like to be married, but I need to protect my kids from what is going on. I could lose my kids. I will propose counseling for a year at a minimum to help resolve this issue.

 

I am afraid to say that if you don't have 100% support from your Husband, it'll get worse. I suggest counseling to help resolve your issues.

 

Good luck

 

I might not be a parent but I have been a teen. I hardly think a teen smoking pot is a threat to the household, much less national security.

 

 

She is obviously not ready to live on her own. Good for your husband not throwing his daughter away (like really, you demanded that?!?).

 

 

Nor do I think a loving marriage is one where your husband gets a surprise, I am moving out but if you want we can stay married.

 

 

Call me an idiot, but I think the second you marry 2 families you kinda both take responsibility for each others children instead of this your kid, my kid thing. Goodluck in a few years when your kids will start acting out!

[hurtmom337]

Priv,

 

Until you have kids, then you can comment. You live in a country where it's legal. It's not legal where I live.

 

If my children's father found out their step sibling is doing drugs in the same house my kids are in, I could lose custody of my kids.

[Priv]

Priv,

 

Until you have kids, then you can comment. You live in a country where it's legal. It's not legal where I live.

 

If my children's father found out their step sibling is doing drugs in the same house my kids are in, I could lose custody of my kids.

 

Half of the US has already legalized and/or decriminalized it already...

 

 

Besides that, I don't have to be a parent to know I would never demand a parent to get rid of their child for smoking pot.

[hurtmom337]

I was not clear. I never asked my Husband to kick SD out of the house for me. I know his daughter comes first and I'll move out.

 

I live in a state where it's not legal.

[Radu]

Half of the US has already legalized and/or decriminalized it already...

 

 

Besides that, I don't have to be a parent to know I would never demand a parent to get rid of their child for smoking pot.

 

It's not about getting rid.

 

It's about doing something about his 19yr old pot-smoking, not driven, driver's license not having, HS not finishing, daughter that also happened to not have any solid boundaries enforced on her as a child.

 

And whatever we may think about pot, in the US they are still fanatics about it, either they accept it in the state [less than half of them do], or they don't and she could lose her kids over it.

[anika99]

Half of the US has already legalized and/or decriminalized it already...

 

 

Besides that, I don't have to be a parent to know I would never demand a parent to get rid of their child for smoking pot.

 

This isn't a pot debate. The kid has more problems than just smoking weed. He gets detentions and suspensions and skips school. The pot is just one of a myriad of problems.

 

 

I have 2 adult sons, one smokes pot and the other does not. I have absolutely no problem with the son who smokes pot, it doesn't bother me at all. I was raised in a pot smoking family and my parents allowed me to smoke pot with them from the age of 8yrs old. Pot was much weaker back then. When I was a kid I thought it was pretty cool of my mother to allow that but when I grew up and became a parent myself I realized it wasn't cool at all to give a child drugs.

 

 

I gave up pot as a young adult and when I was raising my boys I definitely had no drinking, no drugs, no smoking anything in this house rules and I fully expected my sons to abide by my rules and they did. Of course they would rebel when away from the house and did things I wouldn't approve of but they knew if they wanted to live with me they needed to accommodate my rules because I damn well wasn't going to change the rules to accommodate them. I personally had nothing against pot or pot users but I did have a problem with growing and developing children using it just like I wouldn't agree with growing and developing children drinking alcohol. Pot smoking and alcohol drinking are adult activities.

[Otter2569]

I'd talk with your husband and let him know how concerned you are. Then I would talk to the kid as a team - NO POT or drugs period! You can even buy urine tests. There has to be consequences and its your house so your rules. Set the rules as parents then enforce them. If he does not step up as a dad then talk next steps with him and his kids.

 

Time to act before it gets worse...which it will.

[hotgurl]

I might not be a parent but I have been a teen. I hardly think a teen smoking pot is a threat to the household, much less national security.

 

 

She is obviously not ready to live on her own. Good for your husband not throwing his daughter away (like really, you demanded that?!?).

 

 

Nor do I think a loving marriage is one where your husband gets a surprise, I am moving out but if you want we can stay married.

 

 

Call me an idiot, but I think the second you marry 2 families you kinda both take responsibility for each others children instead of this your kid, my kid thing. Goodluck in a few years when your kids will start acting out!

 

ok you are an idiot. she is smoking pot in a household with other underage children. Let not even get into the fact of what a bad example that is to the other kids. Or the negative health affects of pot of children. The state could step in and remove those minor children from her care.

 

Also she is stealing from the family.

[mrs rubble]

I would sit down the pot-head and his dad and tell them that you are not prepared to risk losing custody of your children due to stepsons drug use, and that you will report it to the police next time in order to protect your own children.