Jump to content

My husband and our disabled son


Sad mom

Recommended Posts

My husband and I have been married for eleven years and we have a very handsome eight year old son. Our son has an intellectual disability with autistic tendencies, he's the sweetest little boy I know and I adore him. He is very easy going and is always very happy.

 

My husband however hasn't been very nice to him for probably about a year now. He doesn't play with him anymore and acts annoyed with him constantly. My son loves his father and always wants to be by him. I think that my son's favorite thing to do is listen to my husband play guitar. My husband was playing last week and my son went to watch him. Then my husband went into the office with his guitar and locked the door behind him. My son sat in the hall with his ear against the door. All my husband would say was "he wanted to be alone." Okay, well then don't start playing in the living room when you know he will want to watch! Lately, he's been snapping at my son for things he "should know by now" well for one, he is disabled and two he's forgetful. My husband seems to also get frustrated by my son's need for things to be grouped by color and routine. Which, I admit the routine does get a little stressful for me too. I understand that my husband wants variety in his life that our son makes difficult to obtain. The last straw for me was a few days ago I believe I heard him under his breath say "retard" I freaked out and he told me I imagined it. I'm positive I heard him though.

 

Recently, we have been trying for another child. While I do want another baby I'm worried about the effect it will have on my husband's relationship with our son. The last time we made love I just went downstairs and cried after. I love my son and I would not trade him for anything. I just want my husband to feel the same way.

 

Is there anything I can do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
My husband and I have been married for eleven years and we have a very handsome eight year old son. Our son has an intellectual disability with autistic tendencies, he's the sweetest little boy I know and I adore him. He is very easy going and is always very happy.

 

My husband however hasn't been very nice to him for probably about a year now. He doesn't play with him anymore and acts annoyed with him constantly. My son loves his father and always wants to be by him. I think that my son's favorite thing to do is listen to my husband play guitar. My husband was playing last week and my son went to watch him. Then my husband went into the office with his guitar and locked the door behind him. My son sat in the hall with his ear against the door. All my husband would say was "he wanted to be alone." Okay, well then don't start playing in the living room when you know he will want to watch! Lately, he's been snapping at my son for things he "should know by now" well for one, he is disabled and two he's forgetful. My husband seems to also get frustrated by my son's need for things to be grouped by color and routine. Which, I admit the routine does get a little stressful for me too. I understand that my husband wants variety in his life that our son makes difficult to obtain. The last straw for me was a few days ago I believe I heard him under his breath say "retard" I freaked out and he told me I imagined it. I'm positive I heard him though.

 

Recently, we have been trying for another child. While I do want another baby I'm worried about the effect it will have on my husband's relationship with our son. The last time we made love I just went downstairs and cried after. I love my son and I would not trade him for anything. I just want my husband to feel the same way.

 

Is there anything I can do?

 

 

I'm so sorry Sad mom. Your post broke my heart and I feel so sad for your sweet little boy. I don't know what to advise. Your husband obviously feels resentment towards your son. Sounds like he feels like he got ripped off in some way because his child is not like other children and he is sick of the burden of raising a disabled child. I think your husband needs counselling to address his true feelings and sort through them so that he doesn't continue to hurt and alienate your innocent little boy. You should probably talk to him and tell him that you can't continue to stand by and let him treat your son badly. Insist on counselling. This is such a sad situation. I would definitely not have another child until you see your husband putting consistent effort into his relationship with your son. I'm afraid that if you had another child and that child didn't have special needs that your husband would just completely reject your son in favor of the new baby and that would be a terrible outcome.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Disability like everything else, is handled different by each person. To neither defend or attack your husband, it is quite likely that he is having a rough period processing everything. From what you describe it does seem like that he is in need of some complete private time, which I'm sure you could use too. This shouldn't be seen as something negative because we all need our mind nurtured or we'll be at risk of breaking.

 

It's naturally a bit troubling that he no longer wants to play with his boy that does nothing but adore him. Your husband may just be completely drained from any surplus energy, which is why he needs to recharge. If you can in a loving and caring way make sure you both get time, to tend your interests and passions, then it's more than likely things will become more balanced again.

 

I don't know how much you've already tried and do attempt, but it's pretty healthy to communicate your needs, instead of say just locking yourself away and hoping the problem at hand will fix itself. The situation is not ideal, but I wouldn't throw in a towel just yet, without having considered and tried all sensible options.

 

It's really hard to tell what specific things that would help your situation the best, it very much depends on how the flow of things in general are. I believe that most obstacles are possible to overcome, if you have the will and interest to see it so. You might need to face some difficult discussions, but it's better to have, than to go into an unknown and darker future. Not everyone is equally impressive when it comes to this, and unfortunately some people can change very suddenly and out of the blue, with or without more underlying issues at hand.

 

Your son has one kick-arse mother though, who cares deeply for him and that is an irreplaceable trait. While that may not instantly solve your concerns, it's something to take into heart and you are more than allowed to give yourself some credit for that.

 

As always I'd suggest you speak to your husband about your thoughts and concerns. If he is anywhere near that of a decent man, then he'll listen to you and be able to understand and wish to find a solution that works the best for all three of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So sorry you and son are going through this.

 

Is the diagnosis of your son recent? I noticed you describe the dynamic changing in the last year or so. If so, it could be that your husband is angry and disappointed. Your son did not ask to be born the way he is, and he is not doing it just to be a pain in the ass. Is there any kind of education services you and your husband can attend to get more information on the subject?

 

When my sister's son was born severely disfigured and disabled, she went through something similar with the boy's father upon birth. He was angry, he said he didn't want a retard child, etc. He blamed my sister for not eating better while pregnant. He just couldn't be reasoned with, he was so disappointed and angry not to have a healthy child.

 

Has your husband ever openly spoke about his feelings that your child is disabled?

Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

Sad mom. Find a support group. Talk to them. Get your husband involved if possible. Dealing with a disabled child is tough. And I am sorry to say, not something everyone has the ability to deal with.

 

I agree with the other poster that said do not bring in another child right now.

 

You, your husband, and your son all need support.

 

I am sending positive energy your way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Postpone having another child, your husband can't deal with the one child properly, it'll only be stressful and cause more issues if you have another child now.

 

Your H has to get counseling and decide if he's all in. (or out.) He can't be a 'when I feel like it' dad to his autistic son. Life doesn't work that way.

 

Yes it's tough and hard, but he has to suck it up for his sons sake. Otherwise your marriage will eventually crumble, you'll feel resentments towards your husband.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My feeling is that your husband needs some support, because he's not coping at the moment. I would go down that route in the first instance.

 

Obviously you need support too, so look into that.

 

I know a young boy with Autism and he's a lovely guy, but it's not been easy for Mum and Dad.

 

Happily though, he has two brothers who totally love him, and they are a big help.

 

With my best wishes,

 

Satu

Link to post
Share on other sites

How disabled is your son? What kind of intellectual disability does he have? Is he in a normal school setting? A lot of people can have autistic tendancies, but it doesn't sound like your son is diagnosed autism. Is the intellectual disability a learning disability? Not trying to be nosey, just trying to understand all that is going on. In all honesty, I would put another baby on hold right now until this issue with your son and husband is resolved. I would suggest counseling as well for parents of children with disabilities. Another baby will only make this worse right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have 15 month old twin boys.

One of them he was premature and real small when he was born he had a couple of seizures in his first year - we're lucky, its not something that will effect him in later life, its something he'll grown out of - but anyway, I remember sitting in the hospital after his first seizure, while the doctors were running all their tests, and I'm generally a very optimistic guy, but I remember thinking like.. Why my son? All these people with their healthy kids - why my son? And yeah it crossed my mind the future I'd hoped for and would I still get the chance to do those things - play footie with him, teach him to ride a bike, go rock climbing, give him advice on girls - all that stuff you assume is a given.

So from one point of view I can understand, if your husband is....grieving for what he thought he'd have almost.

 

 

But as I sat there I came to the realisation that it didn't matter one jot. I'd love him whatever. And if it had of been more serious then we might do different stuff but that wouldn't make it lesser, just different.

 

 

I don't really know what advice to give other than talk to him honestly about it, as its kind of something he needs to sort out in his own head.. I'm not a counselling man personally, I know it works for lots of people, but not for me, but he does need to find some way to work it out in his head, whatever that be.

It's not easy to parent an autistic child, I've got a friend at work who's doing it and I see first hand its tough, and its okay for him to be momentarily struggling. But its not okay for him to take that out on your son. And its not an excuse not to spend time with your son. And its not a great time to bring a new child into the mix - and create a favouritism situation.

 

 

My friend at work has his son in a football club for kids with autism.. gives him other dads to talk too that understand better.

 

 

I've got another friend actually who was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid but if you met him now you'd never know it, he's the most well adjusted guy, good job, nice girlfriend (the most unbelievable memory skills though, he can list countries, capitals, snowboarding gold medallists, you name it). Always puts it down to his folks never treating him any different from his brothers.

If your husband wants his son to be all he can be then he needs to put the time and effort into supporting your son! A father who doesn't believe in you is not a good influence to have around!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My son's iq is in the lower ranges. He has to be in a special class. It's been really hard for us because we were so careful during the pregnancy, and I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. We found out three years ago that he was different when it seemed he wasn't reaching milestones at the right time. He has autistic tendencies but he is not fully autistic, at least we don't think so yet. He is extremely loving to everyone he meets. He just likes order and routine.

 

Trying again was my husband's idea, and more often than not he initiates it. I know it's most likely because he feels like he needs a normal son. We were going to have more sooner, but our son's condition put it on hold.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My son's iq is in the lower ranges. He has to be in a special class. It's been really hard for us because we were so careful during the pregnancy, and I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. We found out three years ago that he was different when it seemed he wasn't reaching milestones at the right time. He has autistic tendencies but he is not fully autistic, at least we don't think so yet. He is extremely loving to everyone he meets. He just likes order and routine.

 

Trying again was my husband's idea, and more often than not he initiates it. I know it's most likely because he feels like he needs a normal son. We were going to have more sooner, but our son's condition put it on hold.

 

You are probably right, but I wouldn't go there until he is able to fully come to terms with with the situation at hand. He gets a "normal" son and then what? Takes to that child with open arms all the while alienating the other son who didn't ask to be born as he is?

 

What is the communication like with your husband about all of this? I think I asked you about this before maybe, but has he ever openly spoken about his feelings with you about your son?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

To answer if my husband and I talk about our son's disability, the answer is no. We try to act like there isn't anything wrong with him. Just typing that makes me feel like a horrible mother...

 

I wouldn't know what to say even if I did bring it up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

My son is not neurotypical. He process information and emotions differently than most people. The day he was actually diagnosed, I sat in my car and cried.

 

The next day the doc called to check on me. He reminded me that my son was the exact same kid I loved after the diagnosis as he was before. I just now had a roadmap to help him function better in society. That helped me. And the diagnosis helped my son. I learned better ways of dealing with him. I learned better ways to teach him.

 

So here are my questions.

 

Does your son have a diagnosis?

Is he in treatment?

Have you found a support group (online or in person)?

 

After you do that, sit your husband down and discuss the elephant in the room. Your son has issues. They must be dealt with. They are not something to be ashamed of or avoided. Your son is not broken, he is different. He is a loving human being who deserves parents who support him and work with him.

 

There are therapies, treatments, meds, diets, exercises that you can do with your son to improve his symptoms. (all different combos depending on what diagnosis your son has)

 

For example: we did alot of flash cards with what would you do scenarios and role played, developed a peer group, not alot of visits with the doc ($) but oversite from him, sensory exercises, and some minor dietary changes. A friend with an ADHD daughter, repainted the house calm colors, major dietary changes, meds, weekly therapy visits, a sponsor in school, and rigid schedule for her to rely on. For both of us, we had lots of trial and error. And you can only do what you can do. I personally couldn't handle a rigid schedule but my son does better with a schedule so we compromised. Some things are scheduled some are not.

 

Become educated and advocate for your son.

 

I am concerned you also need family counseling. It is troubling that you and your husband are so disconnected from each other you can't even discuss your son's health. A marriage is supposed to be a team. You can't be a team if you don't talk. How are you supposed to pull together if you are both going different directions?

 

you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending all my best to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967

I have two kids with special needs. One with Aspergers and one with Autism. I'm here to tell you it is hard as hell most days. But if my husband called them retard or mistreated them in any way, we'd be over and I would do my damnedest to get supervised visitation.

 

I don't give a **** how much he pouts over not having a child without special needs. What he is doing is abusive and he ought to be ashamed. I would not tolerate it for one second. He either knocks it off now or he can pack his ****.

Link to post
Share on other sites
To answer if my husband and I talk about our son's disability, the answer is no. We try to act like there isn't anything wrong with him. Just typing that makes me feel like a horrible mother...

 

I wouldn't know what to say even if I did bring it up.

 

And that right there is the real problem -- not your son's disability. My sister and her husband chose to attend group parenting classes that educate parents on how to live with and raise children with autism. These "parent training programs" helped them face their fears and forced them to address their denial about their son (my nephew)'s autism, because they have other normal children.

 

And you know something? Those group classes were a life saver for them because it connected them to other parents of autistic children, that acts as both a resource of information and a source of moral support for my sister and her husband.

 

The longer you and your husband live in denial, the more harm you'll do to your son, to yourself, your husband and to your family as a unit. I understand why you and your husband live in denial and that doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you a completely normal mother who is reacting to her circumstances by feeling helpless. Well, there are non-profit organizations in your city that can help your son function in society and in school, and help you and your husband face the challenges that comes with raising a disabled child (whether it's autism or an emotional or physical challenge).

 

What I'm trying to convey to you is that you and your husband are not alone. There are parents out there in your city, heck...in your neighborhood probably (at least in your community) who are in your situation. So you are not alone in your struggles.

 

I would encourage both you and your husband to seek out and register for the parent training classes for autistic children that I mentioned in this post. Both my sister and her husband are highly educated and intelligent, but that doesn't mean they were equipped emotionally or psychologically to raise an autistic son without means of support and resources, which they sought out, so that they could deal with their son's education, health insurance coverage, and find resources that enrich their son's life like autism camps and classes, and things of that nature.

 

Maybe put off having another baby until you and your husband are on the same page about your son's care, and have found enriching activities for him to participate in with his peers in your community that will help him socialize and give him something to do, and give you and your husband a mental break from the 24/7 stress that comes with raising an autistic child. There are also many books and websites with informative articles that can help you and your husband navigate this journey that you're on together. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

SadMom, do you see? You are not alone.

 

And just because you carried your son under your heart for 9 months does not mean you instantly have the ability to deal with a special needs child.

 

I'm by no means stupid but I had no clue that some of my behaviors were actually causing my son to regress. I had to learn. I took a class. I talked to his doc, I got online support from a group of parents dealing with the same issues. i got books and he and I worked. Because of money, most of our stuff was on our own. I couldn't afford many specialists. But I would schedule a visit, prior to the visit I would send an email detailing that we couldn't come often so the visit was to evaluate him and give me instructions on how to handle him. Most docs understood and worked with me.

 

Pretending your son is normal will not make him normal. It will make him wonder why he is not normal.

 

You son is special. He has special difficulties, and special gifts. And to love and parent him you must be pretty special too.

 

You love your son, I can hear it in your words. I can also hear the guilt. Both of these emotions are soo normal.

 

Please take the suggestions that posters are giving you. It sounds like most of us are in the same boat, its a tough boat, constant leaks, frequent storms, food sucks...but sometimes you look up and see the most amazing sights and it makes it all worth while.

 

I am still sending you lots of love and strength

Link to post
Share on other sites
My son's iq is in the lower ranges. He has to be in a special class. It's been really hard for us because we were so careful during the pregnancy, and I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. We found out three years ago that he was different when it seemed he wasn't reaching milestones at the right time. He has autistic tendencies but he is not fully autistic, at least we don't think so yet. He is extremely loving to everyone he meets. He just likes order and routine.

 

Trying again was my husband's idea, and more often than not he initiates it. I know it's most likely because he feels like he needs a normal son. We were going to have more sooner, but our son's condition put it on hold.

 

It does sound like your husband yearns for normalcy, but definitely do not have another child yet. It will cause a lot of anger and resentment between the siblings. It sounds like your son also might have a mild learning disability due to his autism, but there is no reason he cannot lead a happy, productive childhood if you and your husband support his needs. I had a learning disability as a child and am a sucessful adult. :) Just think things could be worse and your husband should not be pushing for another child if he cannot handle your son's mild autism.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Unfortunately, autism isn't our only problem. His iq is only in the seventies, and we still don't really know why. That's very difficult for us to handle because we did everything "right". My husband has a hard time even walking into our son's classroom. I do too, but my husband freezes when he goes in and you can see he's uncomfortable. I just remind him that we are lucky our son has so few issues compared to some of the other kids.

 

Outside of our son, my husband and I are good together. We get along, we don't have a lot of problems and we like to be together. When he started turning on our baby is when things got rocky. I try to call his bahavior to his attention he acts like there's nothing wrong.

 

It makes me so sad because my son loves his father. I love my son, and I want my husband to be as in love as I am.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Unfortunately, autism isn't our only problem. His iq is only in the seventies, and we still don't really know why. That's very difficult for us to handle because we did everything "right". My husband has a hard time even walking into our son's classroom. I do too, but my husband freezes when he goes in and you can see he's uncomfortable. I just remind him that we are lucky our son has so few issues compared to some of the other kids.

 

Outside of our son, my husband and I are good together. We get along, we don't have a lot of problems and we like to be together. When he started turning on our baby is when things got rocky. I try to call his bahavior to his attention he acts like there's nothing wrong.

 

It makes me so sad because my son loves his father. I love my son, and I want my husband to be as in love as I am.

 

It's not that I don't empathize with you because I do. But you can't change who your son is, or cure him of his disabilities. Your son will never fit society's definition of normal. Are you willing to throw him away, neglect his needs because you are embarrassed or feel burdened by your son's challenges?

 

There are live-in facilities for special needs children. If you and your husband know that you will not make the effort to provide for your son's emotional, physical, educational and social needs, then you should seek out assisted living facilities for children with autism -- which is different than a mental hospital. This is an actual house, with on-site nurses and trained aides who provide a structure for severely disabled or autistic children, whose parents either can't or won't provide a safe home environment, which it sounds like could become the situation for your son, if your husband and you won't change your attitudes about him.

 

I feel very worried for your son's welfare. I don't trust that you will do what's right for him.

Edited by writergal
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Writergal, perhaps I've given you the wrong impression. I've never withheld any type of care from my child, and have made sure to get him any type of help he needs whether medical or educational. I've sat for hours in interviews, therapy treatments, and doctors appointments to make his life easier. I'm head over heels in love with my son, and I would never just give him away. It would be like asking me to tear my own heart out!

 

If everyone else would refrain from insinuating I'm an abusive parent I would appreciate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Writergal, perhaps I've given you the wrong impression. I've never withheld any type of care from my child, and have made sure to get him any type of help he needs whether medical or educational. I've sat for hours in interviews, therapy treatments, and doctors appointments to make his life easier. I'm head over heels in love with my son, and I would never just give him away. It would be like asking me to tear my own heart out!

 

If everyone else would refrain from insinuating I'm an abusive parent I would appreciate it.

 

I'm not insinuating that you are a bad parent. But when you write that it's hard for you to deal with your son (i.e. hard for you to walk into his classroom), and the way you describe how your husband basically avoids his own son, that did cause me genuine concern.

 

Had you included everything that you've done for your son that you describe above in your first post, it would be easy to see that you are overwhelmed, because you are putting more effort into your son's welfare than your husband is. I'm sorry that your husband is struggling, but his desire to have another child is just an avoidance tactic. He needs to stop avoiding your autistic son and start doing activities with him of some kind. Does your son like to do art? Play a sport? Draw? Has your husband sat down with his son and done any of these activities together? That's a start towards him bonding with your son.

 

I'm very relieved to hear that you want what's best for your son. It's your husband who needs to change. I'm sure it's a hard reality for your husband to swallow, but he needs to face it. He can't expect you to be responsible for everything that your son needs.

 

When my sister and her husband learned that my nephew had autism at the age of 3, they were both in denial for about a year before they snapped out of it, and became a team again to provide unconditional love and support for my nephew who has normal siblings.

 

So I do understand as an aunt of an autistic nephew what you must be going through. I didn't mean to come down hard on you, but your posts gave me a negative impression, which I'm glad I was wrong about. I really didn't mean to come down hard on you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
eye of the storm

SadMom. Im glad to see fire. Way to go on the attack. It shows you haven't quit. Good for you.

 

And writergal said what we were thinking. It sounded for a second like you had given up. Never give up. You can let someone else carry the load for a few so you can take a break, you can share the load, but you can never quit.

 

You did everything right. Sometimes these things happen. Sometimes they are genetic, sometimes they are environmental, sometimes they are just nobody knows. STOP FEELING GUILTY. You did not do this.

 

And your son is not damaged. He is different. That is one thing I learned early on. My son is different. Unique. Just like every other kid on the planet.

 

Look, your husband has 2 choices, get on board with loving your son as he IS and stop punishing him for what he is not. Or, quit. But right now he is not loving your son as he is and he is punishing him for what he is not. Your husband needs therapy. He needs to figure out how to let go of the picture of the "perfect" child. That child does not exist. You husband may be a great guy. And having a special child is something not all parents are capable of handling. This is something you are going to have to put your foot down on. You need a partner to help with the load. But more important your child needs a father that loves him.

 

To me, I hate parents that choose kids over their spouse, but when dealing with a special needs child...that dynamic changes. This isn't a parent choosing a kid's wants over a partner's needs, this is a parent choosing a child's need over a partner's wants.

 

Sadmom, you need support. Demand it with the same passion you went after writergal.

 

It sounds like you are doing the right things, the therapies, the special class at school, the doctor visits...great. Don't forget to play. Sounds like your son loves music. Get him an instrument. We had fun role playing and it allowed me to see thru my son's eyes. Dig holes in the back yard. make masks and art projects. I have a picture my son painted of a bowl of fruit. He laughs now when he sees it because you can barely tell there is fruit in the picture. But I love it because his color choices and the determined brush strokes are soo him. Don't forget to enjoy your son, the giggles, the excitement, the hugs. Let them refill your tank when it gets low.

 

And don't forget to take care of yourself. You do need some time to unwind and set down the load. Another parent, your husband (only if he gets on board) a caregiver, a family member... Relax put your feet up and recharge. You can't care for him if you ignore your own health.

 

you are not alone we are all in the same boat, bailing water, b1tchin about the long hours, and pausing to enjoy the view. You are welcome to come aboard and b1tch with us. We love the company. (and we have wine)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad I was wrong, and it's clear you need more support, Sad Mom. You can't shoulder all the responsibilities it takes to care for your son alone anymore. It takes a village to raise an autistic child (the specialists, the gen ed teacher, the special ed para, loving and supportive parents, family and friends).

 

In my first post, I mentioned parent training classes for parents of autistic children. Have you ever attended any? Would you ever consider bringing your husband to a few?

 

If you don't think your husband would consider going to individual counseling, maybe he'd considering going to one of those specialized classes, which informs parents how to care for their autistic child. My sister and her husband went to a few and it did help them a lot, as I said in my post.

 

Given time, I hope your husband comes around and accepts his son with as much unconditional love as you have for your son. I know you've mentioned that you've urged him to engage your son, yet he doesn't, which must be a huge stressor for you. I'm on your side, ok? Like eye of the storm, I know what it's like to have an autistic family member (even though I'm just the aunt). So I want to help you. I'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot, misunderstanding the other.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There are live-in facilities for special needs children. You should seek out assisted living facilities for children with autism -- which is different than a mental hospital. This is an actual house, with on-site nurses and trained aides who provide a structure for severely disabled or autistic children, whose parents can't provide a safe home environment,

 

 

I changed much of the above response. I did not see any indication the OP did not want to care for the child. We take care of several group homes for special needs people. Serving our community since 1977 | Horizon Project

 

 

Step Forward Activities

 

 

Both are excellent operations, and they do a tough job, taking care of their clients. Some special needs people are best in the family situation, and some need more structured care. Most offer day care or short term care, in addition to long term care. I am always amazed at the quality care their clients receive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Writergal, perhaps I've given you the wrong impression. I've never withheld any type of care from my child, and have made sure to get him any type of help he needs whether medical or educational. I've sat for hours in interviews, therapy treatments, and doctors appointments to make his life easier. I'm head over heels in love with my son, and I would never just give him away. It would be like asking me to tear my own heart out!

 

If everyone else would refrain from insinuating I'm an abusive parent I would appreciate it.

 

 

This is why you need some sort of support network filled with people who understand and who are non judgemental. It is damn hard to be a fulltime caregiver to anybody, even perfectly normal children can make leave you feeling frustrated and resentful. When you are the parent of a special needs child all people want to hear from you are feel good stories about how your child is gift from God (he is) and how he has taught you all about life and love (he might), but nobody wants to hear about your deepest feelings. Like maybe you are angry at God, or maybe sometimes you think about how much easier your life was before your son was born. Those are perfectly normal feelings that are neither good nor bad, they are just feelings.People don't want to hear that sh*t because it isn't inspirational and happy, but you and your husband need a safe place to be able to express those feelings without being judged or told maybe you should just give your son away.

 

 

At no point in this thread have you given the impression that you don't love and adore your son, you were just trying to reach out for some help and that's a good thing but I think you and your husband need some help in real life. You two need to communicate your feelings about your son to each other. Even the bad stuff, like your fears, your disappointment and your anger. Please seek some sort of real life counselling and stop trying to avoid talking about this huge elephant in the room. It's not healthy for your marriage or your son. I know you love your family deeply and I'm rooting for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...