Jump to content

Irresponsible 19 y/o Son!!!


Otter2569

Recommended Posts

This is regarding my GF's 19 y/o son who is in college. He has anger, drinking and drug issues. This summer his mom kicked him out of her house because of his free loading, irresponsible and disrespectful ways. I have never seen anything like this before in my life! His room was filthy: condom wrappers on the floor, half eaten food containers every where, beer and liquor bottles laying around and homemade bongs under his bed.

 

Honestly I feel she should have had him leave sooner but I held my tongue and supported her in her decision. He actually has an apartment at college 40 minutes away so he was not really being thrown out on the street.

 

His father, a cop, is not part of his life and other than getting the kid out of speeding and parking tickets barely provides for him. I know the son has issues with this lack of relationship.

 

His mom, who works two jobs and does not make a lot, pays for his college, housing, does his financial aid and sends him food and spending $$.

 

Anyhow, since being thrown out it has been a continual barrage of mean texts to his mom followed up with requests for money. She shut down his rudeness, which seems to have subsided, but AT LEAST every other day there is a text requesting $ and the reasons are becoming more and more ridiculous. At first it was $ for more books, food, delinquent cable bills, now his car is getting towed, he owes his roommate$, he runs out of gas (about once a week), not getting any hours at work. Last night his apartment ran out of oil (temps are in the teens all week) and he needs $70.

 

Long story short, this is really taking a toll on his mom (and me). She is not a pushover - she tells him he needs to get a job (he supposedly has 2), budget his $ and be responsible but she almost always sends him the $.

 

We are at out wits end! What would you do or recommend in this situation?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are in a no win situation because he's not your kid. If you say bad things about him, she will pick him over you out of loyalty.

 

 

If I were you I'd learn about Tough Love & start asking her Qs. Basically be an armature therapist. Don't tell her what to do but ask Qs. Ask if she thinks she's helping him? Ask how he's learning responsibility & independence? Ask what she wants from him & how she thinks what she is doing is helping her get that. It's a fine line. You can't preach.

 

 

Your other option if this makes you crazy enough is to walk away from both of them. Do not make her choose.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah its not easy and I find myself giving all kinds of tough love advise. Even though I know I need to be careful my blood pressure rises every time he calls or texts because it I see how upset she gets.

 

This kid has absolutely no perspective on reality and his actions are dragging everyone (other family members too) down.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, first, I want to stress how lucky you are that she is not a pushover, or this situation would be far more intolerable, because there are an appalling LOT of moms out there who can't bear to say no to their kids.

 

The other thing is that he sounds pretty much like a normal 19-year-old boy except for his excessive and entitled sounding money demands. After all, thus far, she has given him everything she's had and so now he's caught in that hinterland between boy and man and hasn't got a way to be fully a man yet, so he's dependent in some ways.

 

It's sad he doesn't even have the good sense to stop drawing attention to himself by leaving bongs and condoms everywhere and demanding money in the face of knowing he's doing things which his parents disapprove. That is plain old stupidity. I did many of the things your stepson is doing, but I had the sense to do them out on my own and not expect to throw them in my mom's face and expect to continue to get her financial support.

 

Mom just needs to stick to her guns now and not relent on giving him money. He can probably get a small part time job enough to pay some expenses from the campus employment office, like selling concessions at the ballgames, or as a busboy somewhere near campus.

 

I agree his dad shouldn't be fixing his tickets, but it's something he can fix and so he's doing it in lieu of other more important things like spending time with his son. The mom can call the campus and find out exactly what books are needed and pay for those directly once she knows what and how much. I'm assuming the administration office or curriculum people will be able to give her that info. I'm sure it's fairly common.

 

She shouldn't pay any of the other stuff, but that is her call. It sounds like she's doing the best she can with this situation, and all I can offer in the way of real advice here is when she makes a decision you agree on, praise her for having such a good head on her shoulders and nerves of steel. When she's not, give advice if she asks for it, but don't push it.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

As a young man I did many of these things too but I was also concerned what people thought. My parents also would not tolerate it so I always tried to hide it. From 16 on I paid my way financially - my parents rarely helped me. Once in college I worked and was too proud to ask my parents for money. Blah, blah I walked up hill to school...LOL

 

This just blows me away - I would be ashamed of myself.

 

I should clarified that most of the $ she gives is from his small college fund that she set up for him. She is trying to ration it out so he does not blow through it but yes giving in to him all the time does not help.

 

She is frustrated with him and she really yells at him when he calls. Last night she told him he needs to knock this $hit off and learn to function like a responsible adult (which I applauded). When she he see his calls / texts come in she doesnt even want to answer the phone.

 

The whole thing is taking a toll on her as it would any parent.

Link to post
Share on other sites

^ Same here. But kids the last 20 years were raised that nothing they do is wrong and they've gotten rewarded for nonwinning behavior and nonachievement routinely by parents and faculty both most places. A lot of them get everything they want growing up and don't have to behave well to get it because parents are busy and want them occupied. It's a different world and the entitlement is worse than ever before. But to be fair, he is in that in-between place needing to leave the nest but dependent on her for the time being to complete school. It's not an easy time. But he doesn't sound like he has one iota of good sense, and that is worrisome. I worry he may feel innoculated since his dad is a policeman, so I think it would be prudent to have his biodad explain to him that he can't help him once he screws up outside his jurisdiction! He may not understand that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is regarding my GF's 19 y/o son who is in college. He has anger, drinking and drug issues. This summer his mom kicked him out of her house because of his free loading, irresponsible and disrespectful ways. I have never seen anything like this before in my life! His room was filthy: condom wrappers on the floor, half eaten food containers every where, beer and liquor bottles laying around and homemade bongs under his bed.

 

Honestly I feel she should have had him leave sooner but I held my tongue and supported her in her decision. He actually has an apartment at college 40 minutes away so he was not really being thrown out on the street.

 

His father, a cop, is not part of his life and other than getting the kid out of speeding and parking tickets barely provides for him. I know the son has issues with this lack of relationship.

 

His mom, who works two jobs and does not make a lot, pays for his college, housing, does his financial aid and sends him food and spending $$.

 

Anyhow, since being thrown out it has been a continual barrage of mean texts to his mom followed up with requests for money. She shut down his rudeness, which seems to have subsided, but AT LEAST every other day there is a text requesting $ and the reasons are becoming more and more ridiculous. At first it was $ for more books, food, delinquent cable bills, now his car is getting towed, he owes his roommate$, he runs out of gas (about once a week), not getting any hours at work. Last night his apartment ran out of oil (temps are in the teens all week) and he needs $70.

 

Long story short, this is really taking a toll on his mom (and me). She is not a pushover - she tells him he needs to get a job (he supposedly has 2), budget his $ and be responsible but she almost always sends him the $.

 

We are at out wits end! What would you do or recommend in this situation?

 

This problem is being caused more by your gf than by her son. She is a push over. It doesn't matter what she says, it only matters what she does. She has created this problem by letting him get away with this kind of behaviour and she's still allowing it. She gets upset by his behavior, whines to you about it and then you get upset. You blame the kid when she's the one at fault. Nothing is going to change until she stops enabling him. If this situation upsets you I would tell her that as long as she's not willing to grow a backbone and change her behaviour that you don't want to hear another word about it. Then completely step aside and let her wallow in her self created misery.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She has failed him as a mom or he'd be way more responsible than he is at his age.

 

You shouldn't feel sorry for the person who created a monster or that makes you no better than she is.

 

She cannot rewind things from here and neither can you though. You can only go from here. I'd be firm and start holding your wife accountable instead of feeling sorry for her. Don't make any ultimatums that you aren't prepared to follow through with.

 

What a messed up dynamic you have going on there. I don't envy you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

you said he had a drug and alcohol problem. i doubt he's using his money for what he says he needs it for. i'd suggest that instead of giving him money for food, for example, she give him a gift card to the grocery store, or better yet (but this requires time that she might not have) buy him the groceries he so desperately needs. gift cards to the bookstore, gift cards everywhere. i'd also demand receipts. of course he could sell the gift cards for cash or take receipts out of the trash or something, but that's a lot of work and given how lazy he sounds, i bet he wouldnt go through all of those hoops.

 

When my aunt was younger, this homeless guy in DC asked her for money so he could buy a sandwich. She had a whole but of food (they were on a road trip) and offered him some stuff, like an orange, and he refused. She then questioned him more and he eventually told her that he was going to use the money for booze so she could either give it to him or leave him alone. He didn't get the money. My aunt didn't enable him. Your GF is enabling her son and for her sanity and his maturation, she needs to cut the umbilical cord.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

First of all I do not feel that she has failed him. I was not there when he was growing up but I know she had him in sports (baseball, hockey, soccer) and drove him all over the place. She was on booster clubs and committee to raise funds for his sports and activities (hockey is super expensive). She also set limits for him and made him work to earn $ for his summer camps.

 

Second she has two other well rounded kids. Her son was not treated any different and there are more pictures of him around the house so i get a strong sense that he had a decent upbringing.

 

Everyone says he was a good kid until he got involved with drinking and drugs - perhaps there is an area where she came up short. She admits she should have clamped down sooner. I also admit she let him get away with being a bum for too long. She is also a single mom (no parenting support from her ex), owns a house and works two jobs...plus the kid is a manipulator. Everyone in the family has tried to reach him at one point or another and all have stepped back.

 

She has been doing the gift cards for food and books. The calls for gas $, cable bill $, heat $ etc are a different story. As a parent it is difficult to let your kid sink at the same time enough is enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is very difficult to be a single parent and cover all the bases. I was a single mother of 2 boys and there is sometimes constant underlying feelings of guilt because it's not possible to be everything to everyone all the time. Mother, father, provider, chauffer, nurse, counselor etc. Nobody can be perfect in every area of parenting. I know I made many mistakes with my own kids, especially my oldest.

 

 

I have a friend who was also a single mom to her son. We both loved our children very much but her parenting style and her priorities were different from mine. She was a much better provider than I was. She always had at least 2 jobs, sometimes even 3 jobs so that she could give her son all the good things she could. She owned her own house, took her son on faraway vacations, bought him whatever his heart desired. However all of that working left her little time to spend with her son on a daily basis and I'm sure she felt some guilt for that so to counter that she continued to over indulge him. I worked only 1 full time job. I had no desire to be out of the house for 12-16 hours a day, which meant I got to spend more time with my kids but we were poor. I had guilt for raising my kids on a tight budget with little money left over for the even the small pleasures in life. We didn't get nice things, I didn't have a car, or a house and we certainly didn't take vacations. Just a trip out to see a movie was a big treat to us. Both myself and my friend were probably a little too lax with the discipline, also most likely due to some underlying guilt for the things we weren't able to excel at in parenting.

 

 

My oldest son started to rebel around the age of 15 and by the age of 17 he had pretty much decided he wasn't going to go to school or work or show me any respect at all. He would say horrible vile things to me while refusing to lift a finger around the house. He was out all the time and when he came home he was hostile and rude to both myself and his little brother. I kicked him out a couple of months before his 18th birthday and I did not help him because I did not have the money to support my household and him. He was in a sink or swim situation. He was also very hurt that I turned him out. I was hurt too. It was a horrible time for all of us. There was pain, anger, uncertainty, regret, guilt, and sadness for both of us. He had a rough go of it for a few years but by the time he was around 21 he started to pull himself together and now he is married and happy and thriving. I am very proud of him. He turned out fine but I still can't say with 100% certainty that I made the right choice. I know I hurt him pretty deeply and I don't think he has ever fully forgiven me. I have no way of knowing how it would have turned out if I had made different choices so I have to live with the past and the choice I made.

 

 

My single parent friend also started to encounter difficulty with her son in his teen years. He didn't graduate high school and instead of continuing to pursue his education he dropped out. He has never worked a full time job but he has had some rather short lived part time jobs. Right now he is 22 yrs old, lives at home, doesn't go to school, doesn't work and is being fully supported by his mother. This has been going on for the last 4 years and I don't think my friend will ever kick him out. I wouldn't be surprised to see them in this same situation when her son is 30. At this point I think her lack of action is hurting him and holding him back from living a normal life. I am not in a position to criticize her because I know I had my own list of shortcomings as a single parent and I know no matter what her choice is there will be repercussions and consequences.

 

 

So I would not call your gf a bad mother. No doubt she loves her son very much and provided the best life for him she could. You say he does well in school which is a good thing. Maybe your gf should just accept that things with him are going to be difficult for a little while longer and stop complaining about him. I still say that if she is going to keep on doing things the same and giving into him that she needs to stop complaining to you about it. Choosing to give him money and then complaining about it makes no sense. She's the one making that choice so why whine about it. All her whining to you about the problems accomplishes is that it gets you upset and strains the relationship you have with her and her son. That's why I say she is creating the problems.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

She "says" he needs to get a job and budget his money, but then gives him the money anyway.

 

What does it matter what she says when what she actually does, is continue to give him money?

 

If you both know and recognize that this young man struggles with responsible behavior, then the anectdote to that cannot be rewarding him with $ to fix every jam he gets into.

 

If he's got the motivation to have sex, to make bongs, to go to parties, etc. guess what? Big boy can learn how to fend for himself. He may do a lot of whining and pouting but if push comes to shove, he's going to find a way to make ends meet and pay for things that he needs to if mommy isn't there to do it for him.

 

I don't mean for this to be overly critical, but she is being a pushover. Saying the words doesn't make it so when actions contradict the spoken message.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If this were my son, I'd say "No more apartment, no more expensive college. Move back home, sign up for community college, and get a job". If your GF is a low income single mom, financial aid will easily cover all community college expenses with a few thousand left each semester for books & transportation. There is no reason for him to have an apartment if he can't afford it. Also, if it is only 40 minutes away, you could easily get a used car for the annual cost of renting the apt/utilities and he could stay at the same college and just commute.

 

See, I think he knows that you both are glad he is out of house, and is exploiting that. He creates stress for both of you, and then she just pays it because she doesn't want to deal with it. She knows you're glad he's gone and I'm sure that factors in. He is out of sight, out of mind and right now you only have anxiety when the phone rings. So while she may not be a pushover- her own motives (peace, you) prompt her to give in and pay. Not with the intention of giving him what he wants, but to preserve her peaceful home and her relationship with you.

 

Technically, he is a grown man, but he obviously has some issues. As a mom, I wouldn't want to just cut him off completely and not allow him to come back home. I think he is not prepared for that and would result in him getting further into drugs, crime, hanging with criminals, etc. If he was 25 or 30 and living at home for years, cut him off, but not at 19. She needs to learn to use her power ($$) to prompt action from him. He can't handle living on his own, so she can use that to say "Look, you aren't ready. I can't continue to finance your life and your own apt, so you must come home" Just saying that may prompt him to get a job somewhere.

 

I think these kinds of situations are very precarious because there is a lot of trouble a 19 year old can get into that will affect his life forever. Drugs and alcohol are often turned to because the person does not have good coping skills. I understand why parents do "tough love", but the harsh reality is that is does not always result in them "hitting rock bottom" or "standing on their own two feet". Many times, it results in them sinking deeper because they are not equipped with good coping skills. People aren't born knowing how to cope, we learn because our parents teach us. And if their own methods are to avoid & escape (even if it's not drugs or alcohol), then the child will not have to tools to cope with disappointment, conflict, anxiety, grief, boredom, stress, etc. So they escape, as they don't know how to deal.

 

My sister has put my parents through hell with her drug & alcohol issues, so I do understand the need to "tough love" just to save a parent's sanity. There comes a time where you just have to detach and are no longer emotionally equipped to handle them. You have to cut them off in order to save yourself. However, I don't think you guys are at that point yet. I think you may be able to reign him in, and although it may be inconvenient and stressful, I don't think it's worth giving up on him yet.

 

Also, as her BF, I hope you don't push her to accommodate you at the expense of her own son. You are relieved he is gone and I'm sure she is aware of that. You don't want her to make choices based on a fear that you may be getting sick of this, you want her to make choices with her child's best interest in mind. At 19, he may look like a man and act like a man, but he still has a lot of growing up to do. I would look at this situation as "He's in crisis, how can we help him?" instead of "He's a pain in the ass, how can we keep him away?"

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for the really great feedback.

 

I do my best to support her decisions because I think she is doing the right thing and I can understand her anguish. I also try to look at it like he was my own son. Iv'e told her that it is not easy learning to be a man, especially when no one is there for you BUT you cant always give in to him. Believe me, she reads him the riot act every time he calls.

 

He shares an apartment off campus with several other kids because he was kicked out of the dorms for alcohol violations. The rent is actually much cheaper than the dorm was.

 

On a positive note he just picked up a part time accounting job that could lead to a summer internship. He actually called her to talk about it - he did NOT ask for any $ and they had a nice discussion :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in a similar boat. I just got married and my wife's 25 year old son is still living at home with us in our basement. We both agreed he wasn't moving in with us when we bought a house last September but then he tore his Achilles tendon playing basketball. He doesn't work, go to school, nothing. Only helps around the house when his mom basically bitches to him enough that he gets tired of it. He finally had surgery to repair his ankle last week. Went to the doctor today and they said he is healing nicely. We are going to talk with him Friday night and she is telling him that by his birthday in March that he has to be out.

 

Everything you said in your post I can relate too. He takes advantage of her and I have to see her hurt and see her get mad. Then when I speak up out of anger, it somehow gets turned around to where I am the bad guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yikes - sounds like a nightmare!!!

 

I didn't mention that his 16 y/o girlfriend practically lived in the basement with him so she was part of the problem too. She would come over, not say a word to anyone and disappear into the basement for a few days. They would leave dishes and food all over the house. How the GF could live like is mind blowing. Or listen to his mom bitch at him about not picking up or helping out and not encourage him to lift a finger is beyond me.

 

Sarcastically I would say they had it made n all they had to do was just pick up after themselves and they couldnt even do that. A couple of free loaders.

 

I joke that if we ever buy a house together it will have 1 spare bedroom with a futon and none of our kids are allowed to stay for more than a few days at a time LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yikes - sounds like a nightmare!!!

 

I didn't mention that his 16 y/o girlfriend practically lived in the basement with him so she was part of the problem too. She would come over, not say a word to anyone and disappear into the basement for a few days. They would leave dishes and food all over the house. How the GF could live like is mind blowing. Or listen to his mom bitch at him about not picking up or helping out and not encourage him to lift a finger is beyond me.

 

Sarcastically I would say they had it made n all they had to do was just pick up after themselves and they couldnt even do that. A couple of free loaders.

 

I joke that if we ever buy a house together it will have 1 spare bedroom with a futon and none of our kids are allowed to stay for more than a few days at a time LOL

 

I wouldn't handle that well either. Before his mom and I bought our house he lived in her condo with her. He would have girlfriends and guy friends stay over some. I have younger kids and most importantly daughters, I told him when he moved in that I would not allow anyone to stay over. If he wanted to have sleepovers then he needed to get his own place.

 

Last night she had the talk with him and he actually went to lunch with a guy yesterday that wants to share an apartment with him and is supposed to get him a job. Either way, she told him that after his birthday, he is out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Sounds like you are making some good progress!

 

I still have a few more summer breaks and post graduation to deal with. Luckily his internship (if he can keep it) is closer to his apartment than to home. Fingers crossed!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sounds like you are making some good progress!

 

I still have a few more summer breaks and post graduation to deal with. Luckily his internship (if he can keep it) is closer to his apartment than to home. Fingers crossed!

 

It's a tough situation to be in no doubt. As I'm sure you do, I feel like I have to bite my tongue in my own house at times. Like I can't say exactly what I want to. Fingers crossed for you as well. Hopefully we can encourage them to become contributing members of society instead of a drain!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
  • Author

I recently learned that most of the $ she gives him is from his student loan fund and he will have to pay is back so I guess the joke is ultimately on him.

 

He still is borrowing $ but not as often. Its always the same old story: "I couldn't cash my check and I need $ for gas to get to work" or "to school" or "home from work".

 

This Saturday it was $ for his sisters birthday present then he couldn't make it over Sunday because of the weather. The kid is a douche but at least his mom sees it and has no plans to let him move back home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually the joke is kind of on you. Here your gf has been getting you all worked up and upset over money she was supposedly giving to her son meanwhile it was his money all along. I'm sure her son already knows he has to pay that money back. Not sure why your gf wasn't upfront about this from the start. What was she getting out of pretending that her son was taking money from her when that wasn't even the case? Why did she want to make you angry at her son? Was she just fishing for attention and pity?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...
  • Author

Heeees Baaack!!!

 

After many months of no contact and even some good contact (still the calls for money every few days) school is over for the summer and he is suddenly hanging around home and starting up again.

 

He feels he is entitled to the full child support $ his mom receives from his dad. He says its his $. He calls his mom every few days asking for $ even though he is working two jobs.

 

When she told him he needs to be more responsible he demanded the child support and hung up. Now he is using her house as a flophouse as he comes and goes at all hours of the day and night.

 

Here we ****ing go!!!!

 

Ironically his loser dad who married into a rich family does not give the kid a dime towards education of anything else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Anika, she is venting about a stressful situation. What do you do when your kid is a **** bird and asks for $ for gas, food, heating and electric bills. Plus she has other kids and two jobs to deal with.

 

Personally I think she needs to sit down with him and set a budget and ground rules versus yelling at him. There is some guilt because his old man is not in the picture (he choses to spend time with his new rich family).

 

I just listen...and post here:D

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...