I hate my kids stepmom.

[havocser]

My son is 6 months old. The ex cheated on me with the woman and she knows it but doesn't care. I didn't find out about her until my son was 3 months old as my ex lied to me about it all and I had to find out on my own. My ex denied paternity and the test recently came back so we're doing a series of supervised visits until an agreement is made and signed.

 

This woman drives me insane. She's buying all of the things my son needs for their house and asking all the questions while my ex sits back and doesn't ask anything about him.

 

This morning she texted me asking how my sons sleep was and started going off about all the things she's buying him. I told her i didn't really like that she was doing all of this and I thought my ex should be doing it but she started getting angry to the point she told me I need to "take a pill" because they're in a relationship and she cares about my kid.

 

She keeps overstepping boundaries and trying to act as a parent but for some reason she can't see it.

 

Do I want my son to have a healthy and happy relationship with the both of them? Yes. Do i want her doing all my ex's dirty work? No. That's for me and him to decide and do.

 

Me and my son cosleep and I've asked my ex to do the same when he's at their house and the mistress said she would not sleep in bed with my kid and that would be for daddy and baby only. But then why is she asking how he sleeps?

 

She goes off on these rants about things that happened in the past and then tells me I'm hung up on it, yet I didn't bring it up. She defiles me as a person and she even told me I was abusing my child because I smoke and breast feed. I know many mothers who smoke and breastfeed and I do not think it would be a warranted abuse case in court. But yet she still says these things to me.

 

She's horrendous and of course I'm programmed to hate any woman that's going to be around my baby but I was trying to get along with her.

 

Further in the conversation I told her when my son is older the parenting is left up to me and the ex and she started playing stupid saying well if he gets hurt because he was playing with something unsafe that's on you.. Like that's not what I mean woman!

 

She just keeps trying to get under my skin and I don't know how to deal with her!!! At this point I just don't want my child around her!

 

I guess I just needed to rant to the ransdoms of the Internet.

[evanescentworld]

May I be blunt?

 

You are seriously misdirecting your anger.

You should be cultivating her as an ally, because your ex is the one I would get mad with, if I were you!

She's showing care, consideration and affection for a child that isn't even hers.

I'm sorry, but your anger, bitterness and resentment should not be aimed at her.

You're being very unreasonable in that, and you need to address your attitude, because seriously, you are chitting off at the wrong person, here.

[d0nnivain]

You would be in much worse shape if she ignored your child. Dislike her & your EX all you want but be grateful one of them seems responsible.

[preraph]

He probably married her specifically so he didn't have to take care of the baby. Happens all the time. She can't be happy that he's having her do everything, but that's between her and him, and your issues are also between you and him. The baby shouldn't be sleeping in bed with anyone. It's not even safe, and it makes it hard on the kid once that has to change. They need to learn that the whole house is safe haven, not just if they're up next to a parent. Any anxiety a child has over that is because they're picking it up from your anxiety over it. Otherwise, they wouldn't know any different! As long as the baby is within clear earshot, that's all that matters.

 

You need to develop a "you can have him" attitude. After all, she is probably one of the many women who think "Oh, he won't be like that with me -- I'm his soul mate." It's naive, but we're raised on fairytales. You be sure to take care of you and enjoy the time your baby is at their house because otherwise, you wouldn't have much versatility with your time. Don't let her monopolize your time, but at least she's kind of letting you know what she's up to and keeping you in the loop. This will be more important once the child is school age OR has any health issues. The sooner you let all this justified resentment stop eating at you, the better, because as long as you let it, he still has power over you, and meanwhile he's apparently living it up and not worried about it. So take your power back by letting it go. Write everything you think about it in a letter and then burn the letter and vow not to keep dwelling on it. I know it's hard. Life can really suck sometimes. But when you come to a fork in the road, don't just stand there -- take a new path and see where it goes.

[Raena]

Honestly, I was/am in a similar situation where my exes gf (whom he cheated on me with and I kicked him out because of) kept harassing me as well. Not quite as bad as what you are dealing with but I had to make it clear to her too that it was none of her business what he and I choose to do as parents.

 

This woman IS overstepping her boundaries. You two have only been split up for 3 months and she's the reason? I'm assuming that's the case based on what you have written.

 

You need to make it clear to her that you do not wish to have these conversations with HER, that you need to have them with your ex. Don't respond to her, block her and only communicate with HIM. She is not this child's parent, they aren't married, this is a recent turn of events and she's pushing way too fast, way too soon.

 

Would it be great if down the road you and her could get along? Yes, absolutely, but this is not the time to do it. You and your ex need to come up with a parenting plan that works for YOU TWO, not HER. She's just the one he's with at the moment. What if they split up? You need to establish a working communication with HIM.

 

The rest of the people who are telling you that you are holding onto this anger towards her and you should let it go... well... it sounds like you have a RIGHT to be upset with her. She obviously has no respect for who you are or how you do things. It's none of her business how you parent your child. (by the way, I agree with her, you shouldn't be smoking while breastfeeding, nor should you be sleeping in bed with an infant. But those are MY opinions. Do some research of your own about what's best for your child)

 

Stop talking to her, start talking to your ex. Find a way to get along with HIM because HE is the father, she isn't and might not be around for the long haul.

[havocser]

My ex and I are getting along and he knows the way I want things done and has agreed to it.

 

I just find it uncomfortable that this woman is texting me every day. I feel like maybe she thinks if she becomes friends with me it will help her deal with her guilt. But I don't like her and I definitely don't want to talk to her every day. If my ex wants to know what brand of mesh teething bags I use or how our son slept the night before, he can ask me. I don't need her bothering me at every chance. It's annoying. I don't even text people I like as much as she texts me.

 

Anyways, about the cosleeping thing, I did a lot of research on it and it's actually the safest place for baby to sleep if done properly. SIDS doesn't happen to cosleeping babies, suffocation does - only if done improperly. But I didn't come here to discuss cosleeping.

 

I just want this woman to get off my back and leave me alone.

[preraph]

http://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/Documents/Safe_Sleep_Environment_English.pdf

 

That's the link to the official U.S. government National Institute of Health website saying:

"Baby should not

sleep in an adult

bed, on a couch,

or on a chair

alone, with you, or

with anyone else."

 

It has many other tips to avoid SIDS as well.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not really sure why she's driving you nuts, but I have no doubt that you're driving HER nuts. You have absolutely no right to tell your husband what he needs to do with his son while he's at his house. Short of being abusive, he can do as he pleases. I know this probably goes completely against what you think, but it's a fact. My ex used to tell me what my son could or could not do at my house and I set him straight really fast that he wasn't going to cross that line. You don't seem to have a very good sense of boundaries, and your ex sounds like he doesn't care all that much about his child one way or another. If I were you, I'd feel a lot more comfortable knowing that his stepmom is doing so much for him and will take care of him.

 

She made that nasty remark about him hurting himself because she can tell that you don't appreciate anything she does for your child. If I were you, I would step out of this mode you're in really fast, or it's going to backfire on you.

 

Did they do a wrong thing by affair an affair? Yes. But there's no way to un-sing that song and now it's up to you to be an adult about it. If you're not careful, you could hold on to this anger for the rest of your life. I've seen it happen. Your son does not deserve to have this kind of animosity around him. You would be wise to make peace with the situation.

 

And I would agree with her that you should not be smoking around your baby. I know of someone who did that and her son died when he was only a few months old. Smoking is seriously bad for babies. You're literally risking your baby's life.

[bathtub-row]

My ex and I are getting along and he knows the way I want things done and has agreed to it.

 

I just find it uncomfortable that this woman is texting me every day. I feel like maybe she thinks if she becomes friends with me it will help her deal with her guilt. But I don't like her and I definitely don't want to talk to her every day. If my ex wants to know what brand of mesh teething bags I use or how our son slept the night before, he can ask me. I don't need her bothering me at every chance. It's annoying. I don't even text people I like as much as she texts me.

 

Anyways, about the cosleeping thing, I did a lot of research on it and it's actually the safest place for baby to sleep if done properly. SIDS doesn't happen to cosleeping babies, suffocation does - only if done improperly. But I didn't come here to discuss cosleeping.

 

I just want this woman to get off my back and leave me alone.

 

If she's texting you all the time, then let her know that it's distracting and would she please email you instead. That way, you can respond whenever you have a chance. If you don't want to talk to her at all, then just request that questions about the baby come from your ex.

 

I still wouldn't be too quick to jump all over her or alienate her. Your ex could be just agreeing to things but not necessarily doing what you want. He may just be saying that to keep you from getting radical.

Edited December 17, 2014 by bathtub-row

[havocser]

Maybe I worded this all wrong. My ex and I are on the same page. I don't hold hate for him.. My ex and I are both fully agreeing we are the parents and we call the shots (and he's had to clarify this with her a few times because she doesn't seem to understand it's not her place) I am pissed she won't leave me alone.

 

She's not even texting me about stuff about our son sometimes. She's just trying to be my friend - which sorry, but I think this girl is uneducated and trashy, not my type of friend.

 

I'm not smoking around my son. I smoke maybe 4 cigarettes a day, outside of my house. Not that this is what matters here.

 

You guys are blaming my ex when he's stepping up to be a great father. He's made some bad decisions in the past about what he did to me but that doesn't effect his parenting skills.

 

I'm not crossing any boundaries. I'm keeping her in her place and my ex has been having to help me enforce this unfortunately because the woman is a nusance that doesn't seem to understand that no means no. She's trying to step in as a parent when that's not her place and my ex and I have already agreed on it.

 

Anyways, I recently called my ex and told him to get her to stop. Apparently it made her very angry because she threw a few more texts my way and when I told her I didn't care and didn't want to hear it she told me to never speak to her again.

 

She's everywhere.

[darkmoon]

ignore her, do not respond, hard not to react, she is trying to run the show, dictating to you and now him apparently, as she got angry with him

 

i think she feels a lil jealous of you but others here might insist that she is as snow-white

 

unless she is a professional, a nanny or teacher she will not be an expert, just a bossy conversationalist

[beatcuff]

Maybe I worded this all wrong. My ex and I are on the same page. I don't hold hate for him...

 

 

OP I think we can see you ARE wording it correctly. and I will join the chorus, especially after that statement, you are misdirecting your anger.

 

 

She is 'being chatty' so there is a friendly atmosphere for your child. as painful as it is and will be --- you need to embrace it. and even be thankful. have you thought of the alterative?

 

 

you need to be upset with him for HIS actions, if you REALLY forgave him then forgive her (hint: if not her then it would have been someone else).

[DivorcedDad123]

She's a third party to the child. She means nothing and may be here today,but may be gone tomorrow. You don't have to respond to her at all or you can pick and choose what to respond to.You'll need to "train" her as to what you will tolerate and what you won't. I'd go strictly email with her,so that the texts don't become bothersome to you.

That said, the child is 6 months old. How much better is it for there to be TWO adults caring for him when he's at dads house? I'm guessing she doesn't have kids of her own,right? If she did,there wouldn't be the need for so many questions from her. If she left tomorrow I doubt the child would suffer any long term problems.

Right now you have this whole drama triangle going on and your ex is not only enabling it,he's loving it. You ALL are part of it. The only way to stop this is to not play along. That means stop responding to texts/emails unless they involve the welfare of the child. Your ex gets to play the poor soul with a child who needs help and saving,his gf is playing the good guy gf who's there for him, and that makes you the villain. Stop playing the part and step off of this ride.

[d0nnivain]

Kill her with kindness.

 

 

Sweetly call her. You have her # from the texts. Tell her you appreciate her concern for your child but that she is overwhelming you & that she texts too much. Explain that you would prefer to deal with your EX. Thank her in advance for facilitating that.

 

 

I dated a guy with a kid once, for about two years. I called his EX twice in two years. Once to tell her he missed the bus & I wasn't allowed to pick him up from school so could she please get him. The other time was to tell her he was sick. Both times the father was working & I couldn't get assistance from him.

[yessy21]

I would send her a nice text saying the following:

 

 

Look its okay that u slept with him when we were in a relationship. you don't owe me anything. Im glad that you want to be there for my son... but unless you donated dna you are not his parent. ______ and I have already come to agreements on what needs to be done for the baby. Please stop texting me every day as if we are best friends because we are not.. and the truth is I don't want to get close to you because he might cheat on you one day too and it will be awkward having to be friends with you and the next woman. you know how men are... -_-... I think your an awesome babysitter and friend to my son though!

[d0nnivain]

I would send her a nice text saying the following:

 

 

Look its okay that u slept with him when we were in a relationship. you don't owe me anything. Im glad that you want to be there for my son... but unless you donated dna you are not his parent. ______ and I have already come to agreements on what needs to be done for the baby. Please stop texting me every day as if we are best friends because we are not.. and the truth is I don't want to get close to you because he might cheat on you one day too and it will be awkward having to be friends with you and the next woman. you know how men are... -_-... I think your an awesome babysitter and friend to my son though!

 

 

 

Do not send the above. It's passive aggressive & will start a fight.

 

 

If you must send a text try this:

 

 

Thank you for your concerns for my child. However, I find the sheer number of texts intrusive. For the child's safety we may have to communicate occasionally in an emergency but other than that extreme circumstance I would prefer to discuss my child with his father. I hope you understand and that you will respect my wishes by ceasing contact with me.

[darkmoon]

she will see your email as bitterness, you never think about the past as you are busier now

 

donnovans email is better, polite and clear too, end of

Edited December 17, 2014 by darkmoon

[SpiralOut]

I think you're just upset that your ex-husband isn't acting more involved. Maybe tell her that you are sorry for being snippy, that you are just upset that your ex isn't acting very interested. Say it doesn't seem fair for her to be doing all of this work when it should be your ex doing it, but that you really appreciate her interest. If she has questions she can write a list and email it to you.

 

 

There you go, you just got her on your side while at the same time telling her what an awful father her husband is. Feel sorry for her. She married a man-child.

[melodymatters]

I've been in the "stepmom" role twice and I think it's unrealistic to ask her to step aside and let the DNA parents handle things. I'll stipulate that there might be too many texts, or resentment over how the relationship formed but there are TWO families now and each family has their own ways.

 

In both my situations the children were the result of casual sexual liaisons so there was no " we've done it this way for 10 yrs as a family" sort of patterns to interrupt and due to the age of the child that isn't the case here either.

 

Both " baby mama's" wanted to talk to my partners a LOT and "co-parent" over the slightest details. The phone calls would be 5% about practical child related stuff and 95% attention seeking. Sorry that getting pregnant didn't land you the guy, but I am partners with him now and we will do what we think is best. And no one is going to tell ME how to do things in MY home whether I donated chromosomes or not.

 

I realize this isn't the OP's exact situation but I'm here to say it could be a LOT worse. Be GLAD this woman cares and is trying to go out of HER way to do things YOUR way ! She's being far more accommodating than I would be.

[nittygritty]

"Me and my son cosleep and I've asked my ex to do the same when he's at their house and the mistress said she would not sleep in bed with my kid and that would be for daddy and baby only. But then why is she asking how he sleeps? "

and...

 

"She goes off on these rants about things that happened in the past and then tells me I'm hung up on it, yet I didn't bring it up. She defiles me as a person and she even told me I was abusing my child because I smoke and breast feed. I know many mothers who smoke and breastfeed and I do not think it would be a warranted abuse case in court. But yet she still says these things to me."

 

Your son should be sleeping in a baby bed. You should not be smoking and breastfeeding. That's awful! You need to be doing what is in the best interests of your child and not yourself. If your ex decides to fight you for full custody a judge may rule in favor of your ex because you are being a bad parent and difficult and unreasonable. You are not parenting in the best interests of your child!

 

Your son benefits from the stepmom buying him all of the things he needs at their house. Why would you be mad about that?

 

Quit breastfeeding! A woman that doesn't know that having toxins in her body that could be transmitted thru breast milk to her baby should not be breastfeeding! I could careless what Le Leche nazis think about breastfeeding, it isn't in the best interests of the child if the mother smokes, drinks or does drugs. That's just common sense.

 

Difficult as it may be, you are going to have to put your personal feelings aside about your ex and him cheating on you with the woman that is now your son's stepmom. It is terrible that he betrayed you but accept that it is over and be thankful that you no longer have to live with a cheater. Move forward with your life. Set positive goals for yourself and do what is in the best interests of your son. Take care.

[coolheadal]

Smoking is a habit and if your have a young child around the house best to do it outdoors instead of doing it indoors. This other women is trying to get on your nerves on purpose. So you need to out think her. Save all the text you get from her. Sent them to your Ex let he sees what your getting from her. Also this is how it going to be, you, him, your son and her. So naturally she's the step-mom if your ex marries her. Not much you can do about that.

 

But what you need to do is focus on being a better parent. Stop worrying what your ex is or not doing. This other women she's know how to get to you and your letting it happen! Just don't talk communicate with her! She's nothing to you nor is your ex any more. You and your Ex have child so that's all your concern with.

 

All what you posted doesn't need to be an issue. Just you letting it get to you. If she wants to buy stuff for your ex and your kid, let her! Why even say anything. Remember the kid is yours and the ex and not hers. Remember that! Just watch it with the smoking around your child at early age indoors. Just looking for trouble with this women as she can control your ex where you can't anymore because he's your ex for a reason.

 

Save all the proof and documents.

Edited December 18, 2014 by coolheadal