Step daughter having issues

[jnel921]

My 26 year old step daughter got married while in the army under our noses back in May. She announced in April she had a BF and was engaged and then in May called me to let my H know they were on their way to the justice of the peace. My H was not happy about this, but she is grown up now. He was dissapointed.

 

Now she calls and says her H failed a drug test and may get kicked out of the Army. She doesn't know if she will stay with him. She is leaving the Army in April and asked my H if she could stay with us until she figures out what she wants to do.

 

I personally have a problem with that. I have my own space in my home that I retire to when I am there. My h wants me to give up my space and I have a problem with that. He has taken control of the living room and the den is mine. This whole conversation caused a big fight between us. I am not happy about having a grown woman in my home. I have even threatened to leave.

 

She is leaving the military but did not finish college. So not sure where she expects to work. I feel like she wants to come and try and have us pay for her while she is out of the Army and I will not.

 

I don't know what the plan is for her H. They got married too fast and now we find out he is a drug user . I know I am being cold. But I do not to deal with this. I have my own kids at home to deal with.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like she made some bad choices and realizes it. I don't see how your husband could refuse her. If my daughter's husband was doing drugs and she needed a place to stay, she'd be welcomed back in a heartbeat. She probably realizes the marriage was a mistake. She's been away from family in the army and is likely looking for comfort. She's a grown woman, but still needs family support sometimes.

 

I do think your husband should be more understanding about your space. Is the den the only available room in the home? I also understand your concerns about her not working, but you just have to set ground rules and boundaries. Another option would be to help her by subsidizing her living expenses for awhile. Are you financially able to set her up in a small apartment & pay for a few months until she can support herself?

 

I don't understand why you would leave your husband over this. What is he supposed to do? You say you have your own kids. Would you refuse to help them if they needed you? It's one thing to have a "tough love" approach to a child that has been in & out of rehab, steals from you, is disrespectful, breaks the law, etc. But to act this way over a divorcing adult daughter? I don't get it. And threatening to leave your husband? How do you think he feels- his daughter needs him, and his wife- the woman he loves- is threatening to leave over it. I think that is really selfish of you. Marriage is good times & bad. Sometimes you have to compromise or sacrifice. I don't think this should be as big of a deal that you are making it out to be.

[xxoo]

I'd give her some time and support to get back on her feet. Threatening to leave over something temporary like this seems very extreme. If she were a freeloader that's one thing, but she's in transition and needs a little help.

 

Can you temporarily use your bedroom for a quiet space?

[Standard-Fare]

Without knowing a lot of key details about this (including your relationship with your stepdaughter, and whether your own kids are currently living in the same house with you):

 

It does seem that your stance is a little harsh. This is your husband's daughter and naturally he wants to help her when she needs it.

 

However, you're correct that she's a grown woman who needs to face up to her mistakes. So there must be some kind of compromise where the stepdaughter understands that her stay must be a very TEMPORARY phase on her way to a more suitable solution.

 

Maybe you and your husband need to give her a deadline of two months tops; also make sure she pitches in with house chores and ideally some form of rent.

[jnel921]

Thanks all for your responses. The reason I am being harsh is that she has 4 months before she leaves the military and while she still has resources to figure this out. I am not sure why she would want to wait move across the country with no job or money and figure it out then. She is not even addressing her M. She is running from this man and we are not even sure what the extent of his drug use is.For all we know it may be some pot.

 

I just think she panicked and always tries to run and her dad is supposed to bail her out.

 

We cannot afford to anything now. I have one son in college and my daughter is graduating HS. There is no extra money to help her get a place or start somewhere else.

 

My argument to my h is that she now knows the situation. Start planning your exit, if that is what is decided now. She doesn't need to wait 4 months from now to do even more nothing and expect us to support her. It's not going to happen.

 

We have a small home. Perfect for when all leaves the nest. My parents raised me to sustain myself. I never went back home. This is what i am teaching my own kids.

 

My H family almost always need help or ask for handouts and this is very frustrating. His daughter is no different. She never sends cards or gifts but calls when SHE needs something. I don't like it.