RedRobin Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I'm looking for people who have foster parenting experiences. I've done some volunteering for at-risk kids in the past... I've been the responsible other adult in relationships where my partner had kids... I've taken the children of my own family members into my home for extended periods too. I'm now considering being a foster parent. Just getting started on the process and what might be involved. Am aware that a lot of these kids are older and may have experienced significant trauma. I feel I can provide a loving and stable environment for a child in need. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Just be careful. I have never been a foster parent but I do know some who ended up in a mess. They were great people but the kids knew how to game the system. When the parent tried to impose reasonable boundaries & expectations like bedtimes, curfews and homework the kids called child services & screamed that they were being sexually harassed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I have family who do fostering. A key part is maintaining boundaries hence not getting too close emotionally to the children you foster as the relationship is supposed to be temporary. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Just be careful. I have never been a foster parent but I do know some who ended up in a mess. They were great people but the kids knew how to game the system. When the parent tried to impose reasonable boundaries & expectations like bedtimes, curfews and homework the kids called child services & screamed that they were being sexually harassed. That's pretty scary. I have family who do fostering. A key part is maintaining boundaries hence not getting too close emotionally to the children you foster as the relationship is supposed to be temporary. Yes, I'm aware of that. In that respect, it probably isn't a whole lot different than being the responsible other adult in a relationship with a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Yes, I'm aware of that. In that respect, it probably isn't a whole lot different than being the responsible other adult in a relationship with a parent. Do you mean like a step-parent when you mean "responsible other adult"? If so then nothing like that at all. A foster parent is far more detached whilst a good step parent does form an emotional bond with a child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted November 19, 2014 Author Share Posted November 19, 2014 Do you mean like a step-parent when you mean "responsible other adult"? If so then nothing like that at all. A foster parent is far more detached whilst a good step parent does form an emotional bond with a child. I've never officially been a step parent. Have just dated men with children for an extended period. My philosophy has always been that they already have parents (unless they are deceased), and my 'role' as the partner of a parent is to simply provide a good example and give the child as much love and support as I can, while providing boundaries that the primary caregiver (in this case, the state or agency) agree upon. I'm not a replacement for any parent. I do this while also keeping in mind that the relationship I'm in might not last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 I've reached out to my friends to see if they know any foster kids or individuals who have foster parented. I was introduced to two people... One a former foster child who was adopted and another couple who have foster parented a number of children and adopted two of them. Around here, it seems to be about 50/50 the children who go back to their biological parents or family and those who get adopted. The former foster child I met... She was in the system starting at age 10. She was with the same family until she became an adult, which is when they adopted her. Link to post Share on other sites
proactivedreamer Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Most foster children, as you may already know, come from broken homes where abuse and neglect have taken place. I was placed in the system at the tender age of 4, and briefly taken back by my father around 5 years of age. He placed my sister and I back when the woman he was with left, and he was all alone with no family to help care for us. Anyways, I was only in two foster homes my entire childhood, and I never once called cps on my foster parents despite our volatile relationship. I grew to become a fairly stable adult partially because of their love and guidance, and my own intent on being a good person. I struggled a lot through my childhood to find acceptance with my situation, and some times I acted out, but I never got into in any real trouble. I got into trouble for not calling home to check in, and going to bed maybe 30 mins past curfew-stuff of that nature. Anyways, I think it is great that you would like to explore foster parenting, and I think any child would be lucky to be invited into your home, which I am sure will be filled with lots of love! I appreciate people like you! You make the world a better place 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I was a foster child for awhile. It takes a very special person. I was actually the family's first foster child and they poured lots of love on me even though it WAS temporary. I agree about the firm boundaries too. Boundaries, consistency, and yes, love are the thing that most of these kids crave and need. Leaving any of those out will not work for the child, temporary or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Went thru the Foster system. Be mindful that while some of the kids are bred to continue poor habits and will do so til the law catches up with them, most of them (the foster kids) are already feeling lost and without a stable environment. Creating that sense of "safety and security" is primary. The rules will come with time. Trust needs built and so does that "welcoming" feeling. Are you taking any of the Foster Courses? In what ways are you able to provide for special needs children? Some of them are outcast from society , some act out, some have been so abused that they will need medical counseling. My hats off to you if you genuinely have the empathy and compassion to help some of them. Most of these kids didn't ask to be tossed into a system that leaves them wondering where they belong in a family unit. As a person who lived it and lived to tell about it, Its a rare site to hear someone care about Foster kids and want to guide them to a more stable life. Just promise that you wont be like the one foster parent I had, she could be the twin to Sybil's Mom (Read the book or google it). that's how insane she was to us foster kids.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I went through the foster process two years ago, it takes forever to get approved and you have to be ready for the process, the lengthy classes, home inspections, etc. if you're a single woman/man there are only certain ages you can foster/adopt, and they also limit the number of children based upon your living situation, because every child needs it's own separate room and closet. i went through the process in calif. and infants are only fostered by couples, not singles, and one part of the couple has to be home 24/7 and not have an outside job. they also want people to take sibling pairs a lot. you really have to get your life and home in order before even starting the process, because there are lots of classes and etc. you have to go through, and a lot of paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, and so on. also, depending upon where you are the classes can fill up very fast; i waited almost 6 months to even get into a class through the county. and it's a bit misleading to look at sites where children are adoptable, because in almost 99.9% of the foster/adoptive cases the children have to remain in the county they reside in, so whatever ethnic makeup your city/county has it is likely you will foster those children. and the goal of the agency, as i understood it, was to get children into homes with husband/wife and many rooms, because they can take on more children. someone wanting to foster just one child wasn't really a preferred individual. just my experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 I went through the foster process two years ago, it takes forever to get approved and you have to be ready for the process, the lengthy classes, home inspections, etc. if you're a single woman/man there are only certain ages you can foster/adopt, and they also limit the number of children based upon your living situation, because every child needs it's own separate room and closet. i went through the process in calif. and infants are only fostered by couples, not singles, and one part of the couple has to be home 24/7 and not have an outside job. they also want people to take sibling pairs a lot. you really have to get your life and home in order before even starting the process, because there are lots of classes and etc. you have to go through, and a lot of paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, and so on. also, depending upon where you are the classes can fill up very fast; i waited almost 6 months to even get into a class through the county. and it's a bit misleading to look at sites where children are adoptable, because in almost 99.9% of the foster/adoptive cases the children have to remain in the county they reside in, so whatever ethnic makeup your city/county has it is likely you will foster those children. and the goal of the agency, as i understood it, was to get children into homes with husband/wife and many rooms, because they can take on more children. someone wanting to foster just one child wasn't really a preferred individual. just my experiences. I'm not concerned about the background checks... I've gone through the government's clearance process, which is thorough in ways that the foster system may not be... in terms of talking to your friends and family three deep and dangling the threat of a polygraph. My county does have some significant needs. I'm one of those crazy people who chose to move into a borderline community with the intention of helping to fix it up... and I have (with the help of my neighbors). I've always had some concerns about being a full-time parent, since I was a young woman. Had my tubes tied intentionally to avoid any accidents. I've always thought that adoption or foster parenting would be the way to go for me... for the same reasons I feel adopting a rescue dog is better than going to a breeder. While I understand the pull of having one's own baby, I personally don't see the value of bringing another life into this world while so many are already here and need love. I am a single person, but I've cared for my relatives children for extended periods as a single person... and have dated men who cared for their children as a single parent too. I realize I can't know everything in advance of how this will be, of course. I'm also very lucky that I have work that is very flexible and a lot of it home-based. Perhaps one of the benefits of being a workaholic, non parent when I was younger. I've got two extra bedrooms, and frankly, I'd prefer siblings or more than one. Kind of like how I always rescue dogs in pairs. They need a buddy they can talk to. I always had my sis with me growing up, and we were inseparable. The only thing I 'worry' about is some of the art pieces and antiques that I've furnished my home. Not exactly kid friendly. I've been thinking about unloading those too. Always thought it would be fun to get rid of the couches and coffee tables and fill the room with pillows and bean bags Would probably be more fun for adults too, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 They may have been through tough times, but foster kids are not aliens, they are just kids. if you wouldn't completely redecorate your house with foam for kids you gave birth to, I see no reason to redo the house for foster kids. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Something to consider is how fostering works with your job. You can certainly have a full-time job and foster but the amount of time a child may need to be in day care whilst you are at work will be of interest. This may be eaiser with an older child but there are still school holidays to deal with. Here in the UK, they also have to approve who you want to use as babysitters. It may be the same where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 They may have been through tough times, but foster kids are not aliens, they are just kids. if you wouldn't completely redecorate your house with foam for kids you gave birth to, I see no reason to redo the house for foster kids. I was going to redecorate the house with foam for me, lol. The antiques, etc are some nice leftovers from my marriage that don't fill a need for me anymore. They look pretty, but I'm tired of the fussiness. I mostly sit on the floor anyway. Half of the rooms I have aren't used for their primary function either. The living room is where I practice my dancing. The dining room IS used for eating (hasn't always been that way)... but I also have a piano and my guitar in there. The china cabinet in there is super pretty, but it is taking up space for stuff that I mostly just look at and don't use. Probably best to sell it before a wayward tennis ball or whatever hits the original bowed, wavy glass. Its just way too fragile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRobin Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) Something to consider is how fostering works with your job. You can certainly have a full-time job and foster but the amount of time a child may need to be in day care whilst you are at work will be of interest. This may be eaiser with an older child but there are still school holidays to deal with. Here in the UK, they also have to approve who you want to use as babysitters. It may be the same where you are. It would be very easy for me to arrange my schedule so that I'm home to see them off to school and home when they get out of school. If there were a school holiday my employer has an arrangement with a local childcare facility that is very close to work. They are trying to attract more women like me, apparently. If they are sick, I always have a backup who could stand in for me that day. I really do have the perfect job for this. I have some close friends who could also help in a pinch. My family is not close by. I'm trying to change that, but I also know that I probably couldn't find a job like this close to where they are. Edited December 14, 2014 by RedRobin Link to post Share on other sites
Ann253 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I commend you and hope you go for it. I've akways thought about being a foster parent, but always waited to be more financially secure. Then almost two years ago I got a call that a relative of mine was going to be placed in the system and were there any family members who would take her. I stepped up even tho I'm a single mom. Being a relative I didn't have to go to all the foster classes, but I still had to do the background checks and all. They weren't bad, a form, some finger prints. The house was inspected before she came, and there are home inspections once a month. But we schedule appointments and it really isn't that difficult or inconvenient. For me, having someone come into my home has changed the dynamics of our house. Not bad, just different. Took some getting use to, but she's a great person. We had her in counseling for a while, I think it's important for her to have someone to talk to who is "on her side". I also think it's important not to talk negatively about her parents, no matter what happened they are her parents and she loves them. If you're looking to adopt you'll need to be patient. I was told that if her parents didn't do what was needed to get her back after a year she'd be able to be adopted. It's been almost two years and adoption just got pushed back another 6 months. Good luck! It can be difficult but very worth it Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 We looked at fostering back in August but decided that adoption was better for our needs because we already have a birth son of our own and we didn't like the unplanned (early hours of the morning calls etc) that came with fostering. We've already attended a course to prepare us and tell us about the types of children in the foster system who will likely go on for adoption. During the course there were 2 foster families both of which were now fostering to adopt. If you have anyone who fosters, it would be good to speak to them as they can really tell you what it is like in your area. From speaking to the fosterers I can tell you that nothing can prepare you for some of the children they are asked to foster and usually they like fosterers to not be working or if you have a partner one of you not working. This is because of meetings with the social workers, the fostered childrens own parents etc I wish you luck, it is in my opinion a difficult at times, but very rewarding job. Of course, you could always consider adoption? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I just want to congratulate you on your latest venture. What a great thing to do. I love children but am not sure I want my own, as you are aware of from my threads.. I will keenly follow you on this one, as I too am eager to become a foster parent in the next ten or so years once I am established in my career. I am about to read this thread and see what other peoples experiences have been like. Good luck with it all! Link to post Share on other sites
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