Child support, custody and non-custodial parent moving out of state

[Raena]

I have a quick question I hope others might have experience with...

 

The custody agreement that my son's father and I just signed a month or so ago states this:

 

• Mother has residential custody

 

• Mother and Father have joint legal custody
  

 

• Visitation is awarded to father as the parties shall mutually agree
  

 

 

Then there is some other stuff about not making disparaging remarks to the child about the other parent and not discussing "adult topics" in front of the child.

 

That's the end of the custody agreement.

 

As soon as we came to this agreement and signed it, he lost his job, didn't contact his child for 45 days straight and then moved out of state without talking to his child or saying goodbye. As it stands right now, I don't know for sure where he is living. I have a suspicion, but nothing concrete as he won't answer my texts.

 

My question is, with the custody agreement we have in place.... do I HAVE to send my child there for the summer? He hasn't asked yet, and summer is a ways off, so he'll wait until closer to then to demand I send him there for the entire summer.

 

I have several issues with this:

He cheated on me with this nasty girl, half his age who has been extremely disrespectful to me and to my child. He has dumped her countless times in the past year since we split up. Her children bullied my child, kicked him, choked him, scratched, pinched, called him names and told him he wasn't welcome at his father's house that he needed to take his fat ass home to his Momma. My child only went to his father's house on 3 separate occasions while she was there in the past year and all three times there were major issues with it. Nothing I could do about it with the police, they didn't want to hear my story so I have nothing to prove that it's not a good place for my son to be.

 

He dumped this girl the day he got subpoenaed to court and then started right back up with her again as soon as we finished court. I suspect he is now living with her in her home state 500 miles away from us. I'm almost 100% sure of it anyway.

 

I do NOT want my child left alone with her for any reason whatsoever. I've told his father this repeatedly. The only way I would agree for him to go there with her there is if he was able to be there also to mediate any issues. He didn't mediate the issues though. After he kicked her out, he promised she'd be gone for good, but that was a lie obviously.

 

If I have to send my son to him for the summer, I KNOW he'll go to work and leave HER alone with my child. I KNOW it. He can't take the entire summer off, so she'll HAVE to watch him. She can't even take care of or manage her own kids let alone deal with my child. He'll come back a mess and completely out of control. I just know it.

 

So.... my simple question is... with the custody agreement I have in place, do I have the right to tell him NO he's not coming for the summer? That I will only bring him there when he has vacation time from work and I'll stay in the area in case there are issues. (I have friends there, used to live there myself). That means he won't see him for more than a week or so a year.

 

The more complex question is... at what point do I forgo the idea that his father has the right to be with him when it's not a good place for my son to be? It's what I've struggled with all along. Even when I was with him I didn't like the way he interacted with our son. Yes, I know that fathers do have rights... but what if he's a piece of crap that doesn't really care about his son? He treats him like a trophy that he takes out to show off once in awhile but then puts back on the shelf and ignores him the rest of the time. I can't prove that he's a piece of crap in the eyes of the court. He just is. I know it, anyone who has read my previous threads on him knows it, but it's nothing I can prove in court. I really wanted my son to have his father in his life and for it to be good. Turns out, it wasn't and it isn't and I don't know what to do about it now. I wish I could just refuse for him to see him at all until he's an adult so I don't ever have to worry about his bad influence. My son has enough troubles without having a loser for a father in his face telling him it's ok to act like a moron.

 

Anyway, I'm done with my rant for the moment... I could go on and on about him but I've already done that in other threads. What would you all do if that was the custody agreement and you knew what it would be like for your child to go live in an unhealthy, unstructured environment?

[eye of the storm]

How old is your son?

[mrs rubble]

I have a quick question I hope others might have experience with...

 

The custody agreement that my son's father and I just signed a month or so ago states this:

 

• Mother has residential custody
  

• Mother and Father have joint legal custody
  

• Visitation is awarded to father as the parties shall mutually agree
  

 

Then there is some other stuff about not making disparaging remarks to the child about the other parent and not discussing "adult topics" in front of the child.

 

That's the end of the custody agreement.

 

As soon as we came to this agreement and signed it, he lost his job, didn't contact his child for 45 days straight and then moved out of state without talking to his child or saying goodbye. As it stands right now, I don't know for sure where he is living. I have a suspicion, but nothing concrete as he won't answer my texts.

 

My question is, with the custody agreement we have in place.... do I HAVE to send my child there for the summer? He hasn't asked yet, and summer is a ways off, so he'll wait until closer to then to demand I send him there for the entire summer.

 

I have several issues with this:

He cheated on me with this nasty girl, half his age who has been extremely disrespectful to me and to my child. He has dumped her countless times in the past year since we split up. Her children bullied my child, kicked him, choked him, scratched, pinched, called him names and told him he wasn't welcome at his father's house that he needed to take his fat ass home to his Momma. My child only went to his father's house on 3 separate occasions while she was there in the past year and all three times there were major issues with it. Nothing I could do about it with the police, they didn't want to hear my story so I have nothing to prove that it's not a good place for my son to be.

 

He dumped this girl the day he got subpoenaed to court and then started right back up with her again as soon as we finished court. I suspect he is now living with her in her home state 500 miles away from us. I'm almost 100% sure of it anyway.

 

I do NOT want my child left alone with her for any reason whatsoever. I've told his father this repeatedly. The only way I would agree for him to go there with her there is if he was able to be there also to mediate any issues. He didn't mediate the issues though. After he kicked her out, he promised she'd be gone for good, but that was a lie obviously.

 

If I have to send my son to him for the summer, I KNOW he'll go to work and leave HER alone with my child. I KNOW it. He can't take the entire summer off, so she'll HAVE to watch him. She can't even take care of or manage her own kids let alone deal with my child. He'll come back a mess and completely out of control. I just know it.

 

So.... my simple question is... with the custody agreement I have in place, do I have the right to tell him NO he's not coming for the summer? That I will only bring him there when he has vacation time from work and I'll stay in the area in case there are issues. (I have friends there, used to live there myself). That means he won't see him for more than a week or so a year.

 

The more complex question is... at what point do I forgo the idea that his father has the right to be with him when it's not a good place for my son to be? It's what I've struggled with all along. Even when I was with him I didn't like the way he interacted with our son. Yes, I know that fathers do have rights... but what if he's a piece of crap that doesn't really care about his son? He treats him like a trophy that he takes out to show off once in awhile but then puts back on the shelf and ignores him the rest of the time. I can't prove that he's a piece of crap in the eyes of the court. He just is. I know it, anyone who has read my previous threads on him knows it, but it's nothing I can prove in court. I really wanted my son to have his father in his life and for it to be good. Turns out, it wasn't and it isn't and I don't know what to do about it now. I wish I could just refuse for him to see him at all until he's an adult so I don't ever have to worry about his bad influence. My son has enough troubles without having a loser for a father in his face telling him it's ok to act like a moron.

 

Anyway, I'm done with my rant for the moment... I could go on and on about him but I've already done that in other threads. What would you all do if that was the custody agreement and you knew what it would be like for your child to go live in an unhealthy, unstructured environment?

 

You don't agree to the visitation. He will have to take it back to court if he wants to have visitation that you don't agree to.

[Raena]

How old is your son?

 

He'll be 8 in 4 days

[Raena]

You don't agree to the visitation. He will have to take it back to court if he wants to have visitation that you don't agree to.

 

That's what I was thinking. Probably the courts will make me send him to him anyways.

[Tayla]

there is more to this agreement then what the poster is providing. There are six areas that are missing that a judge will need to see included for this to be signed off on. Contact your lawyer. Him leaving the area doesnt dismiss his parental rights or visitation rights. This is based on most state side rulings... if though you are in another country the regulations maybe different.

[todreaminblue]

if you fear for your sons safety take it back to court......the father however does have rights.....have you talked to him about the bullying by the other children?...

 

i have full rights and i moved out of state with my three girls......an affair broke us up....never went to court......came close......but i was calm about it and managed to talk out an agreement with the father of my girls....now...years later two of my girls are almost at the age to choose if they want to spend time with him and one is over the age.....we have a good working relationship that is in the best interest of the girls.....and it takes effort.....but it works...that way we avoided the decision being taken out of our hands and managed by a court that knows nothing about our girls ...

 

the courts decision is final and you ahve to abide by it or take it back and explain why the arrangement needs to be changed......kids need their dad......they need their mum and they need to see compromise i believe in broken families.....have you tried talking to the dad...and how does your son feel about his dad ....tayla is right.......you need to see your solicitor and make it known your misgivings...i suggest talking to the dad first.........deb

[Raena]

I'm not sure where either of you (tayla, todreaminblue) are from, when you say solicitor it makes me think you aren't in the US.

 

What parts are missing from the agreement? That is ALL that is on the one I have. It's one sheet and that's all it says.

 

I do wish for my son to have a relationship with his father and I've bent over backwards to try and make that happen for him in the past year but he's not responding in kind.

 

I mean, without this girl in his life it's completely different. Her being around adds SO much drama and problems. It's insane and it shouldn't be happening at ALL. But he makes it that way.

 

In all actuality, it shouldn't be about her. It should be about his relationship with his child. It just isn't that simple. His relationship with her supersedes his relationship with his child. He's made that clear, time and time again. When he's with her, he doesn't care about his child, doesn't look out for his best interests, all he's thinking about is what he wants from HER. I mean, my son (7 at the time) came home telling me that he heard Daddy beating up his girlfriend in the bedroom and that they had the door locked, during the day. They left all three kids unattended so they could go lock themselves in the bedroom and have their fun (yeah, I can only assume he wasn't beating her, but you never know. He's told me directly that he's punched her in the face and thrown her up against the wall on several occasions for her behavior.) She's a NUTCASE and so is he when he's with her. It's toxic and not an environment I want my child in. Don't I have a say in that? Why isn't that important? I say this because everything I read tells me that it isn't as important as giving the father the opportunity to spend time with his child. What if when he IS spending time with his child he's doing harm by treating him poorly and modeling poor relationship skills to him? That should really have some bearing but apparently it doesn't in the eyes of the court.

 

todreaminblue... I went almost a year without taking him to court. I finally did so because he was completely unwilling to coparent with me at all. It took me several months before I finally did it just because I don't TRUST him. WIthout a custody agreement, he could have picked up our child from school and run off to another state with him and there would have been nothing I could do about it. So yeah, I didn't want to involve the courts for the same reason you mentioned, but in the end, I HAD to in order to protect my child.

[mrs rubble]

I would simply ignore the fact that he exisits until either dad or son speak out about missing each other, and enjoy the peace in the meantime.

 

There is very little you can do about controlling his time with his son through the courts unless you have hard evidence of assault, drug use, abuse etc. in your ex's house.

Kids aren't stupid, they know who cares for them, who looks after them and who is there for them. One day I'm sure your son will look back and realize what a deadbeat his dad is and how mum was always there.

 

I completely understand your frustration, I've been through similar. I went to court several times to try and prtect my son from a toxic dad.

Again and again the courts told me my son should have his time in dads care. Damage was done, and I've spent years trying to help fix it, taking my son to counselling and anger management courses. It's tough work!

 

My son was involved in a car accident while his father was driving drunk and that was when he decided he'd not be going back to his dad's place again. He is 16 in a couple of weeks and has refused to go to his dad's since he was 12, he won't even visit him without me or his grandfather being present now.

 

I would like to recomend reading a book called Raising Boys by Celia Lashlie. It certainly made me more aware of my sons' needs and quirks.

 

Also try to let go of the bitterness towards the crazy lady, it's a wasted emotion and it's not helping with anything.

 

Best of luck.

[Cynicalme]

He's moved to another state, life is toxic for child when with dad. Don't attempt to contact dad AT ALL. Contact your lawyer to see if you have to abide by the agreement, considering dad moved out of state. There's no agreement regarding with parent moving away (particularly out of state)?

[Tayla]

as a citizen naturally born and raised here in the usa,i think its fair to say , each state has provisions for custody rulings/agreements. The top that each state agree on are: (1) payment of support(2)child medical decisions and insurance(3) rules on out of state/ out of country travel (4) which guardian gets the irs deduction (5) child care (6) proper communication and methods of contact for minor. (7) visitation, hours/ alternate holidays etc (8) education. primary and higher education.

yet none of these are stated in the post. which leads one to wonder if this was signed off thru the system by a judge. Private agreements lacking the above are frowned upon to be enforced. Thus the recommendation to consult with a lawyer to best serve your concern.

When my ex and I drew up our own ,the judge made us sit and discuss the 20 key pts on a custody agreement. Best recommendations made before he approved it. made things clear from the get go.

[Raena]

as a citizen naturally born and raised here in the usa,i think its fair to say , each state has provisions for custody rulings/agreements. The top that each state agree on are: (1) payment of support(2)child medical decisions and insurance(3) rules on out of state/ out of country travel (4) which guardian gets the irs deduction (5) child care (6) proper communication and methods of contact for minor. (7) visitation, hours/ alternate holidays etc (8) education. primary and higher education.

yet none of these are stated in the post. which leads one to wonder if this was signed off thru the system by a judge. Private agreements lacking the above are frowned upon to be enforced. Thus the recommendation to consult with a lawyer to best serve your concern.

When my ex and I drew up our own ,the judge made us sit and discuss the 20 key pts on a custody agreement. Best recommendations made before he approved it. made things clear from the get go.

 

It didn't go that way AT ALL for us. Yes it was done in a court room, with a judge. I think I posted about this already before. I was expecting it to be much more involved than it was. But it wasn't. The law guardian for my son recommended this plan before we went in to see the judge. I assumed she meant this would be discussed WITH the judge but that isn't what happened. He saw the paper, asked us if he was ok with him being the judge, signed off on it and we were done within 10 minutes. He didn't ask any questions, didn't give is the opportunity to speak about our concerns, nothing. It is an official document, notarized and signed by a judge.

 

Here I was expecting this law guardian for our son to contact both of us and talk to us about our concerns BEFORE court because I was told that would happen. It didn't. She talked to our son at school the day before court. His father and I were getting along at the time (because he ditched the girl the day he got the summons) and my son told her that, so she didn't even think to talk to us I guess. Or maybe she didn't have to, I don't know. She pulled us together, in front of all the other people waiting in the hall, talked loudly to us about how she met our son, and was going to recommend what I posted earlier. She asked us if that was ok and I didn't even answer her, my ex answered her "Oh yeah, yeah, that's fine" and before I could say anything, she was gone.

 

So then I thought, ok, well, the judge will ask us questions about why we were there and I'd get to tell my concerns. He didn't ask. I kind of felt like I got railroaded... never had an opportunity to say much of anything at all.

 

Thinking back on it, I should have been more aggressive but I was also thinking that I didn't want to mess up the fact that his father and I had been co parenting very well for the 2 months prior to court happening. I wanted it to STAY that way. We HAD been getting along. He even came over to our house for dinner one night and stayed until very late just chatting with me about how life was going and whatnot. I should have known better than to get suckered in by him because that's what he has ALWAYS done to me. He played me for a damn fool and I fell for it. I think he planned it all along... dump the crazy psycho until court is over and then he could do what he wanted... all he had to do was play nice until it was over.

[Raena]

He's moved to another state, life is toxic for child when with dad. Don't attempt to contact dad AT ALL. Contact your lawyer to see if you have to abide by the agreement, considering dad moved out of state. There's no agreement regarding with parent moving away (particularly out of state)?

 

No there was no discussion of what to do if one parent moved away. What I posted was all that it was. No discussion of anything at all really.

[Raena]

I would simply ignore the fact that he exisits until either dad or son speak out about missing each other, and enjoy the peace in the meantime.

 

There is very little you can do about controlling his time with his son through the courts unless you have hard evidence of assault, drug use, abuse etc. in your ex's house.

Kids aren't stupid, they know who cares for them, who looks after them and who is there for them. One day I'm sure your son will look back and realize what a deadbeat his dad is and how mum was always there.

 

I completely understand your frustration, I've been through similar. I went to court several times to try and prtect my son from a toxic dad.

Again and again the courts told me my son should have his time in dads care. Damage was done, and I've spent years trying to help fix it, taking my son to counselling and anger management courses. It's tough work!

 

My son was involved in a car accident while his father was driving drunk and that was when he decided he'd not be going back to his dad's place again. He is 16 in a couple of weeks and has refused to go to his dad's since he was 12, he won't even visit him without me or his grandfather being present now.

 

I would like to recomend reading a book called Raising Boys by Celia Lashlie. It certainly made me more aware of my sons' needs and quirks.

 

Also try to let go of the bitterness towards the crazy lady, it's a wasted emotion and it's not helping with anything.

 

Best of luck.

 

You are right about letting go of the anger towards her. It isn't so much bitterness as it is ANGER. She hurt me more than my ex ever thought of doing with the things she did to me. I didn't respond to any of it because I didn't want to stoop to her level but it's still eating away at me. I have to get rid of it somehow.

 

In the meantime, I guess you are right. For now, my son isn't even asking about his father. Eventually he will. He's very intuitive for a young boy... I think he already knows that something is going on and just won't ask me because I've already told him over and over again that I can't discuss what's going on with his father and I with him. My son knows he's allowed to call his father anytime he wants... even if it means leaving a message if he doesn't answer... but he hasn't even asked to do that either. He doesn't seem angry about it this time either. It's like he's just put it out of his mind for the most part and let it go. I wish it were that simple for me. I worry about him all the time. I worry how this is all going to affect him in the future.

 

I will look into that book, thanks for the tip!

[eye of the storm]

I'm split on this.

 

Part of me wants to say go ahead and get an attorney, get your son evaluated and an advocate for him appointed. And get this custody settled.

 

Part of me wants to say wait it out and see what happens, you may be worrying for nothing.

 

Here is why I'm split.

 

1. If you wait, he could be locking in an attorney and getting the groundwork laid and when you get hit with the paperwork you will be completely reactive. Really not a good thing.

 

2. If you go ahead right now when your son is calm and he is evaluated he may tell the advocate that he wants to see his dad and its not bad with his dad in which case you have shot yourself in the foot.

 

3. Filing now could cause his dad to start to demand his rights where waiting he might just let things go.

 

4. If you wait and his dad makes a move, you might be forced to send you son because the legal time frame will not have had time to get into motion and you would be blocking his dad's legal right to see his son. Which makes you look bad in the eyes of the court.

 

5. If you wait and he files, then you file it will look like you are only filing because he did. Again, doesn't look good.

 

I have no advice. I will just say I hope it works out in a way that is best for your son.

 

And I agree with Mrs Rubble. Let the anger go. It clouds your judgment and keeps you focused on the wrong thing. Do Not focus on them. Focus only on what is best for your son.

[mrs rubble]

You are right about letting go of the anger towards her. It isn't so much bitterness as it is ANGER. She hurt me more than my ex ever thought of doing with the things she did to me. I didn't respond to any of it because I didn't want to stoop to her level but it's still eating away at me. I have to get rid of it somehow.

 

In the meantime, I guess you are right. For now, my son isn't even asking about his father. Eventually he will. He's very intuitive for a young boy... I think he already knows that something is going on and just won't ask me because I've already told him over and over again that I can't discuss what's going on with his father and I with him. My son knows he's allowed to call his father anytime he wants... even if it means leaving a message if he doesn't answer... but he hasn't even asked to do that either. He doesn't seem angry about it this time either. It's like he's just put it out of his mind for the most part and let it go. I wish it were that simple for me. I worry about him all the time. I worry how this is all going to affect him in the future.

 

I will look into that book, thanks for the tip!

Sorry, I got the name of the book wrong- "He'll be OK" Celia Lashlie. It is a great resource, it is a New Zealand author but her insight & research I think could be applied globally.

Anyway I searched the author on kindle & found it. So check it out!

I spent a lot of time with my boys doing physical stuff when they were younger, bush walks, swimming, cycling, beach walks..the fresh air, exercise & time together build lifelong memories.

[Raena]

I'm split on this.

 

Part of me wants to say go ahead and get an attorney, get your son evaluated and an advocate for him appointed. And get this custody settled.

 

Part of me wants to say wait it out and see what happens, you may be worrying for nothing.

 

Here is why I'm split.

 

1. If you wait, he could be locking in an attorney and getting the groundwork laid and when you get hit with the paperwork you will be completely reactive. Really not a good thing.

 

2. If you go ahead right now when your son is calm and he is evaluated he may tell the advocate that he wants to see his dad and its not bad with his dad in which case you have shot yourself in the foot.

 

3. Filing now could cause his dad to start to demand his rights where waiting he might just let things go.

 

4. If you wait and his dad makes a move, you might be forced to send you son because the legal time frame will not have had time to get into motion and you would be blocking his dad's legal right to see his son. Which makes you look bad in the eyes of the court.

 

5. If you wait and he files, then you file it will look like you are only filing because he did. Again, doesn't look good.

 

I have no advice. I will just say I hope it works out in a way that is best for your son.

 

And I agree with Mrs Rubble. Let the anger go. It clouds your judgment and keeps you focused on the wrong thing. Do Not focus on them. Focus only on what is best for your son.

 

I can't file right now anyway, I don't know what his address is. I figure I'll leave it be for now. As it stands, he hasn't officially told me he's moved out of town. I should probably just wait and see what happens. If he stops paying child support then I'll start the proceedings for that. They'll be able to find him because he has two other orders through the courts for that. At that time I'll know better what to expect. Summer is a long ways off. A lot could happen before then.

[Tayla]

Raena, As suggested and now made clear, your custody agreement is not completed. Get with the attorney. The terms are to be made and agreed upon PRIOR to being at the judges court. The judge "assumed" you both agreed because you didn't protest any of it or ask questions. Did you even read it prior to it being submitted to the courts? I feel the system let you down, yet at the same time, that's why people have lawyers, to guide them thru it. Now you have left the interpretation wide open and many details unsettled. Either way, you need a lawyer, whether the father is around or not, you need to get the details written out and approved by the courts. If he doesn't show , guess what, the judge will affirm your conditions provided it was in good faith that service to the father was attempted. This is for the safety and welfare of your son.

[todreaminblue]

.....i am sorry that yoru situation has come to this..i feel for you and your son...I dont think you have much choice either than to really hone a court order down that is in the best interest of the child......i live in australia.....and in australia if you feel your son is at risk .....they can organise supervised visitation......i dont know if this would be applicable in your state......where you live i mean...i am sorry i couldnt help you more...i am glad tayla answered your post her advice is rock solid on all counts ...... ill pray for you and your son and hope whatever is worked out is the best outcome for the both of you.....((((hugs))))....good luck..deb

[Raena]

Raena, As suggested and now made clear, your custody agreement is not completed. Get with the attorney. The terms are to be made and agreed upon PRIOR to being at the judges court. The judge "assumed" you both agreed because you didn't protest any of it or ask questions. Did you even read it prior to it being submitted to the courts? I feel the system let you down, yet at the same time, that's why people have lawyers, to guide them thru it. Now you have left the interpretation wide open and many details unsettled. Either way, you need a lawyer, whether the father is around or not, you need to get the details written out and approved by the courts. If he doesn't show , guess what, the judge will affirm your conditions provided it was in good faith that service to the father was attempted. This is for the safety and welfare of your son.

 

Actually, the custody agreement IS completed as per my state regulations. I don't know why there was no discussion of a parenting plan or child support or any of it. To be quite honest, after this experience, I really don't trust the court system here to do what needs to be done.

 

As I said before, I'm going to leave it be for the moment. He moved out of state, so it's on HIM to make arrangements to see his child. At this point in time he isn't making ANY effort to see him or talk to him. So, it's going to be on HIM to make the effort in the future. I surely am not going to chase him down and force him to be a father.

 

I was really just thinking about .... what do I do when he calls/texts me in June saying he wants his kid for the summer after he's had no contact with him for 8 or 9 months. At that point I'd be thinking... you ditched on your kid, you don't get to come back now and want to spend time with him. Either you are in or you are out, there's no swinging door to parenthood.

 

This entire thread is a moot point if he makes no effort whatsoever to see him. The custody agreement in place won't matter.

[Tayla]

you are correct to be apprehensive about the judicial system.Can you clarify those regulations please in which your custody agreement abided by? I'd be interested to know as would others. Have you conferred with a lawyer ? I sincerely hope you reconsider. Things maybe settled in your mind, yet the paperwork could use a proper legal review.

[Thicke2013]

Actually, the custody agreement IS completed as per my state regulations. I don't know why there was no discussion of a parenting plan or child support or any of it. To be quite honest, after this experience, I really don't trust the court system here to do what needs to be done.

 

As I said before, I'm going to leave it be for the moment. He moved out of state, so it's on HIM to make arrangements to see his child. At this point in time he isn't making ANY effort to see him or talk to him. So, it's going to be on HIM to make the effort in the future. I surely am not going to chase him down and force him to be a father.

 

I was really just thinking about .... what do I do when he calls/texts me in June saying he wants his kid for the summer after he's had no contact with him for 8 or 9 months. At that point I'd be thinking... you ditched on your kid, you don't get to come back now and want to spend time with him. Either you are in or you are out, there's no swinging door to parenthood.

 

This entire thread is a moot point if he makes no effort whatsoever to see him. The custody agreement in place won't matter.

 

When it comes to the well being of a child, whether physically, or psychologically, it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you are truly concerned for the well being of your child, I would not take the "wait and see" approach. If you do and the father does come back in June and ask to see his son and you don't agree then you can be held in contempt of court for violating a court order. I would be proactive. Seek the counsel of a good lawyer. I'm not sure I would trust the same one you used the first time. My lawyer sat down with me and discussed all of the points that were important to me. My agreement states that neither parent can move more than 45 minutes away from our previous residence. Talk to a lawyer. Have it written up as you and he/she see fit. If the dad cannot be reached to verify a new address, then the judge will sign the document you have and it will be the new custody agreement. If the father then chooses to somehow be a part of his sons life, it will be on him to get a lawyer and attempt to have it reviewed and changed. I wouldn't want surprises when it comes to my kids. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

 

Edit: I should have also stated, that it is the father's responsibility to notify you of a change of address. You have a right to know where your child is at all times. If he has not, that most likely is also a violation of a court order.

[Raena]

When it comes to the well being of a child, whether physically, or psychologically, it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you are truly concerned for the well being of your child, I would not take the "wait and see" approach. If you do and the father does come back in June and ask to see his son and you don't agree then you can be held in contempt of court for violating a court order. I would be proactive. Seek the counsel of a good lawyer. I'm not sure I would trust the same one you used the first time. My lawyer sat down with me and discussed all of the points that were important to me. My agreement states that neither parent can move more than 45 minutes away from our previous residence. Talk to a lawyer. Have it written up as you and he/she see fit. If the dad cannot be reached to verify a new address, then the judge will sign the document you have and it will be the new custody agreement. If the father then chooses to somehow be a part of his sons life, it will be on him to get a lawyer and attempt to have it reviewed and changed. I wouldn't want surprises when it comes to my kids. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

 

Edit: I should have also stated, that it is the father's responsibility to notify you of a change of address. You have a right to know where your child is at all times. If he has not, that most likely is also a violation of a court order.

 

I didn't have a lawyer. Can't afford one, don't qualify for a court ordered one.

 

This is the way I see it, if he contacts me in June and states he wants him for the summer... how am I violating a court order if I say I don't "mutually agree" for him to go to another state to be with his father and left alone with his father's gf? That IS what our agreement says after all... visitation as is mutually agreeable. At THAT point I can then go file for a motion to change the order, or HE can and then he'll have to explain why it is he moved out of state and didn't contact his child for the better part of a year. As it stands, this past year of information that I have, he hasn't spent very much time with him and that was with us living close enough to each other that he could see him anytime he wanted. He had him for 17 overnights in one full year which amounted to almost 5% of the time while I had him for 95% of time. THAT is how much he cares about his child. I've been keeping a log of exactly when he calls/video chats with him and for how long and when he saw him face to face plus comments about any text message exchanges that went on. I have bent over backwards to allow this man to be a part of his child's life. It's on HIM that he has chosen not to.

[BlueIris]

I didn't have a lawyer. Can't afford one, don't qualify for a court ordered one.

 

This is the way I see it, if he contacts me in June and states he wants him for the summer... how am I violating a court order if I say I don't "mutually agree" for him to go to another state to be with his father and left alone with his father's gf? That IS what our agreement says after all... visitation as is mutually agreeable. At THAT point I can then go file for a motion to change the order, or HE can and then he'll have to explain why it is he moved out of state and didn't contact his child for the better part of a year. As it stands, this past year of information that I have, he hasn't spent very much time with him and that was with us living close enough to each other that he could see him anytime he wanted. He had him for 17 overnights in one full year which amounted to almost 5% of the time while I had him for 95% of time. THAT is how much he cares about his child. I've been keeping a log of exactly when he calls/video chats with him and for how long and when he saw him face to face plus comments about any text message exchanges that went on. I have bent over backwards to allow this man to be a part of his child's life. It's on HIM that he has chosen not to.

 

Not all states require that all of those terms be specifically addressed in a decree or judgment. I know three that don't.

 

I'd go with the bolded option. Also, good job keeping records. What I would do, though, is send him an email saying that you know he moved on X date but still don't have his address or contact info and you need it in order to keep him informed about child. This will evidence your good faith efforts to cooperate as a joint legal custodian. He should have notified the Court of his new address and contact info.