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My teens accuse me of preferring their 8 year old brother.


bebe23

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They guilt trip me about this constantly!

 

I can understand their reasoning because it is true that I'm much more relaxed and tolerant raising our son than I was when my teenage daughters were little.

A little background: When I was a new young mom, I had NO good role model for parenting, I was raised by a neglectful barfly of a dad and a codependent mom who was too permissive. My sister was a pregnant teen, one brother is now in jail for possession of child pornography. My other brother's brief marriage just failed. Basically, the family I grew up in was messed up.

I became a born again Christian in my late teens. I did everything "right" as a young adult- no premarital sex, no partying, no drugs. I married my college sweetheart who was also a born again Christian.

 

So when we had our little girls I joined church mommy groups and read conservative Christian books on parenting, which were pro-spanking. Our daughters are close in age and I remember disciplining them much more often because they would fight when they played together. They were more of a handful together, and yes, we spanked them (hand only).

 

But a few years later my philosophy changed. I didn't feel the need to spank my son and I stopped. We take away his electronics when he does things like lash out and punch his sister. He plays by himself often and is generally a calm good natured kid. Everything people said about boys being the terrors and a handful was not the case with our now 8 year old. He's simply EASIER to raise!

 

So my daughters constantly seem to resent that. They tease him like big sisters do, and when I see them fighting over something as simple as a spot on the favorite couch, they say I always blame and punish them- being almost 15 and 17 and about to be ADULTS in a few years, but rarely punish him.

Part of me thinks its guilt tripping but it IS true I'm more relaxed in my parenting now than I was 10 years ago.

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You can be a good mom NOW.

 

the future hasn't happened yet, you can go to your daughters and apologize for making the mistake and work on building a good relationship with them. If they're old enough you can tell them about the fundies and how you made a really bad mistake and you deeply regret it. And work on your relationship with them. :)

 

My parents too made bad decisions when I was a kid. I hated my father growing up. Couldn't stand him. But now we're both adults, he treats me well, he apologized for bad things he did when I was younger, we have a good relationship now.

 

It's not too late. :)

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Have you ever just tried explaining it to them, kind of like you did here? Basically just tell them, "Sorry, I was young and honestly had no idea what I was doing, but I'm older and wiser now and I'm still just doing the best I can."

 

And if you tend to get in the middle of their little sibling fights, like who gets to sit on the favorite couch, maybe back off a bit and let them work it out on their own. If you step in to tell them to stop being mean to the little one, of course they're going to think you're picking sides and it's not going to feel great for them, even if they're in the wrong.

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I think this is a very common situation. It was the same in my family. My mom had me at 18. She was very immature and irresponsible and very hard on me. She got married when I was 8 and then my step father was also very intolerant of me. I got punished hard and often. Then when I was 13 my little brother was born. By then my parents had matured and lightened up a little so my little brother was afforded a much more loving home than had been given to me. I was jealous and resentful but it didn't become too much of a problem because I loved my little brother like crazy and I adored him just as much as my parents did.

 

 

Then I grew up and had my own son when I was still very young. Like you I still believed in the Christian philosophy of corporal punishment. My son was naturally very well behaved so thankfully I spanked him only rarely. Five years later I had my second son and by then I had already matured and relaxed and I was a better parent to my youngest. Also I always knew the second son would be the last child for me which kind of made want to cherish his younger years even more. My older son, of course, was always quick to point out how much better my youngest had it. I did apologize for my mistakes and try to explain how I had changed and grown up but that did little to lessen his resentment at the time. As he has gotten older (he's an adult now) I think he understands but when he was a teen it was very difficult for him to see it in any other way other than I must love his little brother more than I love him.

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Have you ever just tried explaining it to them, kind of like you did here? Basically just tell them, "Sorry, I was young and honestly had no idea what I was doing, but I'm older and wiser now and I'm still just doing the best I can."

 

And if you tend to get in the middle of their little sibling fights, like who gets to sit on the favorite couch, maybe back off a bit and let them work it out on their own. If you step in to tell them to stop being mean to the little one, of course they're going to think you're picking sides and it's not going to feel great for them, even if they're in the wrong.

 

I've pretty much told them things like this. Except the part 'I was young' isn't true for me, because I was 28 and 30 when my girls were born (36 when my son was born). When all three of them fight over dumb little things, I tend to say that since they are older, they should have the maturity to not CARE anymore about who gets a spot on the couch, or who gets the last cookie. It's about a sense of MATURITY that they should have that their second grade brother doesn't.

 

I didn't mean to say that I was a raging Mommie Dearest when the girls were small. I wasn't like that at all! I stayed home with them, we read, did crafts together, went to the park, and they had a very idyllic early childhood considering our circumstances. One thing I didn't mention was that my husband was in the Army until 10 years ago. He had multiple deployments to Iraq. I didn't have his backup for long periods of time, so I had more pressure to be the authority to them. Mom AND Dad.

 

Our son is being raised in 'better times' these days. My husband's trade business is going well, I work part time substitute teaching, and of course our son has THINGS that they didn't have at his age, because we couldn't afford them. So that probably goes into the resentment as well. I agree with LadyLuck that it is the typical teenage girl entitledness in play as well. They expect me to cook, clean, wash their clothes because it has always been 'my job.' I've loved being a homemaker and mom, and don't mind doing it now. But I keep telling them that in 5-7 years that won't be the case because they will have left the nest. (I hope :()

Edited by bebe23
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take this as an opportunity to come clean to your daughters. when they comment on your parenting style, put yourself in their shoes. you are being handed a gift to set things straight. Your daughters perception need not be denied, which it sounds like it is. acknowledge this to them. Most parents are human and do get prideful that they are doing their very best, yet sometimes its also being able to step back, listen, acknowledge their viewpoint and find a grain of truth. it's a skill that comes in handy when sibling discipline is in order.

A talk i had with my mother on her parenting two different generations. She became kinder in her response that made us closer. she admitted her role and even said, i can see how that affected you... i"m sorry. and she was. As she changed so much and i admired her more for listening. I also made amends to her for in essence she did try to keep us kids well grounded. it will take repeated efforts yet your active listening and acknowleging will pay off. Be easy on yourself, you sound like a loving parent....

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bebe,

Have you acknowledged to them that, with the luxury of hindsight, you certainly would have done things differently? And that you are sorry that your very best then was at quite a different level than it is now?

That is, try to help them know that what is EXACTLY equal, is that everyone (including their Dad) did get and is always getting your very best during any particular phase of your own growth/awareness, and in any particular moment.

 

Also, that at this particular phase of their growth/development, you feel and it is true, that they need you to be a very different parent to them, than the kind of parenting that their brother needs at this stage in his life.

 

I don't know that they're necessarily playing out an "entitlement" drama, or if they just have a 'soul feeling' that there has been some unfairness. That IS what they are perceiving, so it's valid for them...but it is not the truth and reality from your perspective. So you can help them realize the "equalizing factor", so to speak, which is your own mind-beliefs-feelings 'then' versus 'now'.

They are judging you (your actions) unfairly because of their own wrong thinking that you haven't grown in the interim years; that you started out as smart and wise as you are now. With any luck at all, helping them realize that this is not necessarily an accurate view of you will help them find peace around all of it.

Edited by Ronni_W
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take this as an opportunity to come clean to your daughters. when they comment on your parenting style, put yourself in their shoes. you are being handed a gift to set things straight. Your daughters perception need not be denied, which it sounds like it is. acknowledge this to them. Most parents are human and do get prideful that they are doing their very best, yet sometimes its also being able to step back, listen, acknowledge their viewpoint and find a grain of truth. it's a skill that comes in handy when sibling discipline is in order.

A talk i had with my mother on her parenting two different generations. She became kinder in her response that made us closer. she admitted her role and even said, i can see how that affected you... i"m sorry. and she was. As she changed so much and i admired her more for listening. I also made amends to her for in essence she did try to keep us kids well grounded. it will take repeated efforts yet your active listening and acknowleging will pay off. Be easy on yourself, you sound like a loving parent....

 

I can't explain how important this is.

 

I got very unlucky as a child, 2yrs with abusive grandparents, 4yrs of elementary school with a teacher who loved corporal punishment, humiliation and always wanted an example to teach the class [i was one of the designated them], 4 more yrs with the same class where her 'teachings' continued to bear fruit with my classmates.

It took a huge toll over the yrs after that, and the worst was that i had the impression that my parents did not believe me, so i retreated in a private world, started strongly believing i was an idiot, incapable, etc ...

 

Only when i was 28 and i pushed through with a discussion about the past, all of it, with my mother did she 'come clean'. She did her best, and i don't blame her [didn't before either], but what was so frustrating was that what i saw/felt/experienced was denied by her and my dad ... that was my perception.

 

Only after that did i manage to let go of that source of unhappiness.

 

PS: To add to what Ronni said, kids see things very black and white. So from their perception, through their own eyes, it could be seen as favoritism.

That doesn't mean that you should let them walk over you when/if you do have the talk with them.

Edited by Radu
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I think LL is a male.

 

Why do you think so? LadyLuck's profile says female.

 

When all three of them fight over dumb little things, I tend to say that since they are older, they should have the maturity to not CARE anymore about who gets a spot on the couch, or who gets the last cookie.

 

Maybe they should have the maturity not to fight over dumb things, but they're still teenagers, and they're still going to care about dumb things. And you should still let sibling conflicts play themselves out, without you getting involved.

Edited by CC12
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Lernaean_Hydra
I think LL is a male.

 

She's female. I also wholeheartedly disagree with her disgusting characterization of female children but whatever, that's beside the point.

 

OP, your daughters are right and you yourself have acknowledged this here, so why not say so to them? It seems you've found a multitude of excuses and rationales for why you were and continue to be harder on them than you are with your son (oh it was my religion, oh they're older they should know better, etc) - stop doing that. Seriously, take a step back and really try to see things from their perspective.

 

YOU PLAY FAVORITES, end of story or that's how they see it at least. I mean look at what you've written? It feels like you basically just said "Yeah I spanked my daughters when they argued up but if my son punches his sister I'll just take away his iPod or something, lol cause I'm super chill now!"

 

It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter that you were drunk on bible study and spare the rod quotes, it doesn't matter that you're daughters are almost adults, all that matters is they're hurt by this and the disparity in treatment is ongoing and obvious enough for them to feel it. And feel it to the point where they resent their little brother for it. That's not exactly conducive to a peaceful and happy home.

 

*edit oops, looks like CC12 beat me to it

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They were more of a handful together, and yes, we spanked them (hand only).

 

But a few years later my philosophy changed. I didn't feel the need to spank my son and I stopped. We take away his electronics when he does things like lash out and punch his sister. He plays by himself often and is generally a calm good natured kid. Everything people said about boys being the terrors and a handful was not the case with our now 8 year old. He's simply EASIER to raise!

 

So my daughters constantly seem to resent that. They tease him like big sisters do, and when I see them fighting over something as simple as a spot on the favorite couch, they say I always blame and punish them- being almost 15 and 17 and about to be ADULTS in a few years, but rarely punish him.

Part of me thinks its guilt tripping but it IS true I'm more relaxed in my parenting now than I was 10 years ago.

 

Take the gender out of it. Two siblings two years apart are generally going to fight. Your youngest, significantly younger than the other two, and a different gender, is not going to be fighting with them as two close in age siblings will fight. This isn't a gender issue, this is an issue of people having two kids close in age (which I personally think is a bad idea, as I've seen too many crappy sibling relationships with this age gap).

 

YOU are making a comparison - 'he's so much easier to raise than they were' - no wonder why they feel competitive. You're also easier on him. Any kid would resent that. I'm not a competitive or resentful person as a rule, and I'm pretty sure I'd manage to resent this situation if I was one of the two older kids. No one likes to feel less favored by their mother.

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I'm sure your unborn daughters are also very glad not to have been born to someone who thinks the way you do about daughters.

 

It doesn't bode well for a future daughter-in-law, does it?

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Take the gender out of it. This isn't a gender issue, this is an issue of people having two kids close in age (which I personally think is a bad idea, as I've seen too many crappy sibling relationships with this age gap).

 

I beg to differ! My daughters truly have the most loving sister relationship I could have EVER imagined these days. Sometimes I wish I'd had a sister close in age myself growing up (never did), and that is why we had them almost exactly 2 years apart.

 

I am overwhelmed with pride whenever I've read what they write to each other in birthday cards and on each other's FB pages. A while back, my older daughter's friends all decided to turn on her, and stop being friends with her. They were the handful of girls she had been friends with all through elementary and junior high, and for some reason decided to leave her out. Because of her sister's support, she had things to do during the summer, and quickly made some better friends- who are awesome, decent girls, not snotty like the clique who turned on her had become. She wrote to our younger daughter something like "I would have been really depressed and crushed if it weren't for my sister standing up for me and making me laugh again. I love her!" That made me so proud!

 

They constantly laugh together (loudly!) and spend every waking moment at home together. Yes they do fight over trivial things, but that's because they are still kids, you are right. But I am so glad they are close. My son will probably not be as close to either of them as they are to each other. And no, a fourth child would have been out of the question. He has friends over for play dates, and that helps.

 

I've talked about the 'different stages and circumstances' as far as the reasons they were disciplined more severely than him. I really want to have a discussion with both of them, I guess I would like to make it as an apology too. I'm torn because I have friends who think spanking kids is essential, they're proud their own parents did it for them, blah blah. I haven't spanked my son since he was 4. I hated the way I would feel out of options when I did (to all 3 of them.) I do like the suggestion of chores instead of taking things away all the time. Problem is- my son LIKES chores. My husband even takes him to ride in his work van to help him with tasks on Saturdays! It pulls him from his video game habit, and he has 'Dad time' because hubby works every day. I suppose wiping the bathroom floor at home wouldn't be as fun.

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