JBird2001 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I'm not sure if this is the right place to post my grievance, but here's the background. My stepdaughter got pregnant during her first year at college, dropped out and is now living back at home. The issue I have is with her boyfriend, who is the father of her child. He is living with us now, and has been for the past three months. He seems to be an OK guy, but he's not contributing at all to the rent, the bills, the food, the chores. He has a job and I know he earns a paycheck because he buys beer and takeout food. I haven't approached him yet about helping out with the rent and utilities, but I plan to. Just want a sanity check to see if I'm being unreasonable asking him to start pulling his weight around the house. He needs to understand his responsibilities and that he is going to need to support my stepdaughter and their child, not me and her mother. I don't mind helping out, but the longer this draws on, I feel the harder it will be for him to own up to his responsibilities. Thanks for listening! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 He seems to be an OK guy, but he's not contributing at all to the rent, the bills, the food, the chores. He has a job and I know he earns a paycheck because he buys beer and takeout food. I haven't approached him yet about helping out with the rent and utilities, but I plan to. The conversation should have happened the first time you saw the beer purchase. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I honestly think it's more appropriate to speak to your stepdaughter about this and lay down the rules if her boyfriend is to live there. You don't want to put any strains on the relationship, especially if your stepdaughter is to marry this man later on. I would tell stepdaughter that her boyfriend contribute or live elsewhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBird2001 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Thanks Carrie T and Pink Sugar. I know of no plans for the boyfriend to marry my stepdaughter. She doesn't give me a straight answer when I ask. I think she plans on using the system for single mom benefits. Good advice to go through her about the boyfriend, but she's defended him in the past. She wants him with her. IN this situation it's best to go directly to the boyfriend. Worsening the situation is her mother doesn't seem to care and is not with me on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Thanks Carrie T and Pink Sugar. I know of no plans for the boyfriend to marry my stepdaughter. She doesn't give me a straight answer when I ask. I think she plans on using the system for single mom benefits. Good advice to go through her about the boyfriend, but she's defended him in the past. She wants him with her. IN this situation it's best to go directly to the boyfriend. Worsening the situation is her mother doesn't seem to care and is not with me on this. You could always tell her that if she doesn't handle the situation that you will and she might not like that too much, so it could motivate her to talk to her boyfriend about this issue. How did he come to live in your house anyways? That's pretty unfortunate she plans to use the system and throw away a promising future by dropping out of school. Does she work or anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 The civil answer to remain unbias, is to hold both the young adults to contributing to the additional costs. This Targeting the Young man is a less then favorable way to show them BOTH to step up to the plate. I, as a female walked this path and often considered it part of being an adult to contribute fairly when extended family graciously allowed us to reside til circumstances changed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBird2001 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Thanks for the feedback! Our home is where my stepdaughter grew up and she only moved away to college (around 3 hours drive from here) where she met her boyfriend. She moved back when she got pregnant so essentially I'm not asking her to contribute anything. The boyfriend moved in because she wanted him with her so he moved down here into my house. He just showed up with his clothes and fishing gear. I thought it was OK at first but did not convey any expectations. But now that, 3 months later, I am beginning to see that he does not intend to offer to help out in any way, and I am in the uncomfortable position where I have to be the bad guy and make him accept his responsibilities. My wife and stepdaughter wouldn't agree with me but I don't think I'm being unreasonable, am I? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 My wife and stepdaughter wouldn't agree with me but I don't think I'm being unreasonable, am I? How you approach the conversation will help them realize that you are NOT being unreasonable. You might consider a "family meeting" wherein you equally express concern for them. What is their plan? What do they expect from you and your wife? How can you help them start building for their own family home...what kind of support do they think, right now, they will need to get back and finish their education -- is that in the plan for either one of them? Then you get around to, "and here is what I think is reasonable in the meantime, for you guys to contribute...and I'm of course open to your own ideas and suggestions. As a family, we can totally make this work with proper thought and illumined compromise." If your list is reasonable, then it will not come off as unreasonable, at this point. If you can first help your wife to see that you actually do want to help empower them as individuals and a couple; to be independent, self-reliant, learn real-life skills like budgeting and sharing of household chores, etc., then perhaps she will realize the value and importance of what you're thinking and saying, and will agree with you, and will appreciate you for your genuine interest and obvious wisdom. Well...hopefully she will realize 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Thanks for the feedback! Our home is where my stepdaughter grew up and she only moved away to college (around 3 hours drive from here) where she met her boyfriend. She moved back when she got pregnant so essentially I'm not asking her to contribute anything. The boyfriend moved in because she wanted him with her so he moved down here into my house. He just showed up with his clothes and fishing gear. I thought it was OK at first but did not convey any expectations. But now that, 3 months later, I am beginning to see that he does not intend to offer to help out in any way, and I am in the uncomfortable position where I have to be the bad guy and make him accept his responsibilities. My wife and stepdaughter wouldn't agree with me but I don't think I'm being unreasonable, am I? and essentially you are setting up double standards. As Ronni mentioned, bring them both into the discussion and ask them both to contribute. I think you have more options then you are willing to consider. Congrats though on the baby, it will change things in a positive way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I think you should tell them both to move out. They are having a baby and need to make a home for it. If you're really okay with taking on a whole family, then tell her they need to pay half of everything. After all there will be 3 of them. And be clear that they are only renting. Give them a set time to have their own place by. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I'm all for the family discussion as well. If not, you'll have to be sure your wife will agree with you and not undermine. And yes, he's got to contribute. And stop using the circumstances to take advantage. Step daughter probably wants him there through pregnancy and even after birth of baby. Let your step daughter know she and the baby will be welcome there after the baby is born. As they will need your blanket of protection. You could begin the conversation with him by saying: It's been three months ... Ask him about his plans. Then let him know your expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 At 18, I had a part-time job, I was in school but my parents made me pay rent.( I had no children). I hate to say it, but one of the reasons so many young people are having babies is because they think someone else will always take care of them and their babies( grandparents and government). This boy is not your responsibility and can not except a free ride, he can get that from his own parents. If it were me, he would pay rent or get out. And if your step daughter is silly enough to follow him, I'd tell best of luck. They create their own mess and can't expect you to clean up after them. Be the grandparents who help out with occasional babysitting and not the grandparents who end up footing the bills and raising the baby. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 At 18, I had a part-time job, I was in school but my parents made me pay rent.( I had no children). I hate to say it, but one of the reasons so many young people are having babies is because they think someone else will always take care of them and their babies( grandparents and government). This boy is not your responsibility and can not except a free ride, he can get that from his own parents. If it were me, he would pay rent or get out. And if your step daughter is silly enough to follow him, I'd tell best of luck. They create their own mess and can't expect you to clean up after them. Be the grandparents who help out with occasional babysitting and not the grandparents who end up footing the bills and raising the baby. I agree. At 18 I was working a full time job and paying rent. My father would have bitched about supporting me and a baby. And I wouldn't get by w/o working for long. But - OP, What should truly be out of the question, is the live in boyfriend. Your step daughter's non-contributing Pacifier! I don't care if it is her idea, he should go. Time for her to grow up. Your step daughter won't get a good deal & roof over her head elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Thanks for the feedback! Our home is where my stepdaughter grew up and she only moved away to college (around 3 hours drive from here) where she met her boyfriend. She moved back when she got pregnant so essentially I'm not asking her to contribute anything. The boyfriend moved in because she wanted him with her so he moved down here into my house. He just showed up with his clothes and fishing gear. I thought it was OK at first but did not convey any expectations. But now that, 3 months later, I am beginning to see that he does not intend to offer to help out in any way, and I am in the uncomfortable position where I have to be the bad guy and make him accept his responsibilities. My wife and stepdaughter wouldn't agree with me but I don't think I'm being unreasonable, am I? There's a sort of unwritten rule about guests, that both your stepdaughter and her bf do not seem to have been taught. A guest is someone who stays a few days, 3-5 at most. Beyond that [with 3 being a smart guest], the guest has to start pulling his weight, because he stopped being a guest .... he is part resident. Furthermore, this guy pretty much derailed the girl's college [or she is using the product as an excuse]. What kind of a degree was it ? And who was paying for it ? And how much ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Just.make sure you tell your stepdaughter that she will be held to the same standards. Don't let her bum around for months while she waits to give birth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) What happened when your daughter found out she was pregnant? Did you or her mom have any serious discussion with the both of them about their plans? This should have been done long before bf moved in IMO. I know my dad would have told me to get my ***** together, have an abortion and continue with my education. Because there would be no way in hell I would be able to live there rent free, pregnant and doing nothing...and my boyfriend certainly wouldn't be allowed to live with me. Edited October 17, 2014 by pink_sugar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JBird2001 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 I tried to have a serious discussion and I did ask those same questions, including that she consider her "options". However, I've been kicking myself ever since for even suggesting. It just seemed wrong. But I did react negatively initially, and came off as unsupportive. I asked what her plans were and how the boyfriend was going to financially support her and her baby, but they are clueless and of course have no concrete plans. She is now in her 8th month so I cannot do as you all have suggested retroactively. I can tell you that suggesting he contribute or move out might blow up in my face in our home. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I tried to have a serious discussion and I did ask those same questions, including that she consider her "options". However, I've been kicking myself ever since for even suggesting. It just seemed wrong. But I did react negatively initially, and came off as unsupportive. I asked what her plans were and how the boyfriend was going to financially support her and her baby, but they are clueless and of course have no concrete plans. She is now in her 8th month so I cannot do as you all have suggested retroactively. I can tell you that suggesting he contribute or move out might blow up in my face in our home. OK then. You seem like you don't want to have the confrontation. And if no backup from your wife, it could blow up in your face. Step 2. When my son wants to get a freeloader or an agitation out of his house, he ignores them. I cannot begin to tell you how many times this has worked i.e. 100% 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I can tell you that suggesting he contribute or move out might blow up in my face in our home. I understand that. But the other consideration is what is going to happen in your marriage, if the situation persists and you just keep building more resentment, and feeling less and less understood, supported, appreciated by your wife. Not to kick him out or initiate any conversation with anyone, that has the potential to "blow up"...but you may need to come up with a plan for yourself, so that your own thoughts and feelings don't lead you (and, with you, your wife and family) down a path that will be more difficult to overcome. I know that it's not an easy situation and that there are no easy solutions that will keep everyone happy and maintain the status quo. That ship has most definitely sailed. Wishing your step-daughter a healthy last-month of pregnancy, and a safe and easy delivery. Perhaps once Baby arrives, things will fall into place in a different way than can now be envisioned. Hugs and best. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 It needs to be established that they pay rent or move out. You've been way too lenient with them. It's sad to say, but these two will not make good parents unless they shape up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I tried to have a serious discussion and I did ask those same questions, including that she consider her "options". However, I've been kicking myself ever since for even suggesting. It just seemed wrong. But I did react negatively initially, and came off as unsupportive. I asked what her plans were and how the boyfriend was going to financially support her and her baby, but they are clueless and of course have no concrete plans. She is now in her 8th month so I cannot do as you all have suggested retroactively. I can tell you that suggesting he contribute or move out might blow up in my face in our home. Sometimes as parents the hard thing is the best thing for the kid. The best thing you could do for both your stepdaughter and her baby's father is to make them assume responsibility for the choices they have made and for the child they are bringing into this world. If you start out by letting them freeload off you, they are going to continue to do that, to the detriment of your grandchild. Your stepdaughter and her boyfriend need to grow up and be responsible. You are treating your stepdaughter as if she is on a college break, but the fact is, she is no longer a student, she has chosen to bring a child into this world and now she has to grow up, support it, and not depend on you or other people to take care of her situation. Your allowing her to live off you for free will only hurt her in the long run. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 (edited) Have you set any boundaries about the childcare part of things? They might try to dump the baby onto you whenever they want to go out. If the father is acting like a freeloader already, there's a good chance he will take advantage of your generosity and go out with his friends whenever he wants, not do certain things to help your step-daughter, leaving you and your wife helping out when it should really be him doing that. I agree that he/they should be paying rent but when I read your thread I just see a guy who will probably act just as lazy and unhelpful when it comes to raising his child. Edited October 18, 2014 by SpiralOut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Have you set any boundaries about the childcare part of things? They might try to dump the baby onto you whenever they want to go out. If the father is acting like a freeloader already, there's a good chance he will take advantage of your generosity and go out with his friends whenever he wants, not do certain things to help your step-daughter, leaving you and your wife helping out when it should really be him doing that. If the boyfriend/father does make a break for it, at least the step daughter may see the light and perhaps throw him out on her own. Right now they seem to just want to 'play house' at the OP & his wife's expense. Still there's the baby to consider. Imo, it would be a blessing for the OP & wife to fill in, should the step daughter & boyfriend act in an irresponsible manner toward the baby as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 If the boyfriend/father does make a break for it, at least the step daughter may see the light and perhaps throw him out on her own. Right now they seem to just want to 'play house' at the OP & his wife's expense. Still there's the baby to consider. Imo, it would be a blessing for the OP & wife to fill in, should the step daughter & boyfriend act in an irresponsible manner toward the baby as well. It might be a blessing for the baby, but it would still suck for the OP and his wife to have to do that. I guess more than anything I don't want to see that guy living there for free AND being a crappy father on top of it. I really hope there is some plan is place to kick him out if he doesn't act responsibly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 It might be a blessing for the baby, but it would still suck for the OP and his wife to have to do that. I guess more than anything I don't want to see that guy living there for free AND being a crappy father on top of it. I really hope there is some plan is place to kick him out if he doesn't act responsibly. Yes, it could be a means of survival for the baby - or filling a gap. And a blessing for the grandparents as well. When I first held my grandson, I was a goner He is 13 now, and always has been a blessing to us. Perhaps the situation will take care of itself, and the stepdaughter will eventually get rid of him. Or maybe she just wants him there through the birth of the baby. etc It just seems if OP cannot convince his wife, then he's lost for now. Or must wait. Link to post Share on other sites
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