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I don't know if I want kids or not?


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I'm 23 years old. Since I was like 14 or so, I remember talking and laughing with other girls about how many kids we would have, what names we would call them, the outfits we'd put on in the future, etc, and I always said I wanted 2.5 kids and that I wanted a small family. Then around high school and early college days, I moved it down to just 2 and I really thought I'd stick with it. A couple of years later, though... it moved down to 1, and now I wonder if I even want kids at all.

 

Every time other women talk about the stress and pain of pregnancy, the gory details of it and giving birth, dealing with screaming babies at the wee hours of the morning, dealing with bad tempered toddlers and teenagers, I just want to throw up and tell them to stop talking. :( It's almost like life keeps pointing the arrow to the "DO NOT HAVE KIDS YOU WILL REGRET IT!" sign but I wonder if maybe it's my young age and lack of life experiences.

 

I just don't understand how I went from being so open to the idea of having children and being a mother, and now I start shaking in my boot when I hear my little sister inviting her school age friends over, or dealing with moody teenagers walking around the mall, or babies fidgeting and crying while I'm shopping. Could it just mean that I'm not meant to be a mother after all? :(

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Possibly.

 

Just as you went from wanting kids to not, you may go back to wanting kids again. Or you may not. There's nothing wrong with either.

 

You have time to explore and figure out which lifestyle is best for you. Good luck!

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You are 23.

Do you have a BF that wants to start a family?

 

I don't really understand why you are stressing about this right now. It's not like you have to make a decision and that's what you have to stick to forever.

 

When i was young, i always wanted children one day. When i was in my early 20's, I thought the world was a horrible place and not worth bringing kids into.

I was too busy with my life and career to really care that much in my later 20's.

 

When i was 30, single and accidentally got pregnant, I realised I really wanted a family... but not on my own. I wanted my kids to have a father and i wanted a partner and i needed support if i was going to be a mother.

I thought it would never happen though.

 

Now I am 35. I have a wonderful partner and we want to start trying for a family soon. There are lot's of things i want to organise first and I want to be physically in great condition before hand. I know i've left it rather late, but that's how life has panned out.

 

Why worry now? you don't know where life will take you.

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Possibly.

 

Just as you went from wanting kids to not, you may go back to wanting kids again. Or you may not. There's nothing wrong with either.

 

You have time to explore and figure out which lifestyle is best for you. Good luck!

 

Thanks!

 

You are 23.

Do you have a BF that wants to start a family?

 

I don't really understand why you are stressing about this right now. It's not like you have to make a decision and that's what you have to stick to forever.

 

When i was young, i always wanted children one day. When i was in my early 20's, I thought the world was a horrible place and not worth bringing kids into.

I was too busy with my life and career to really care that much in my later 20's.

 

When i was 30, single and accidentally got pregnant, I realised I really wanted a family... but not on my own. I wanted my kids to have a father and i wanted a partner and i needed support if i was going to be a mother.

I thought it would never happen though.

 

Now I am 35. I have a wonderful partner and we want to start trying for a family soon. There are lot's of things i want to organise first and I want to be physically in great condition before hand. I know i've left it rather late, but that's how life has panned out.

 

Why worry now? you don't know where life will take you.

 

I have a fiance who is 27 right now. I am definitely happy and excited about spending my life with him, as he is my best friend and we have seen each other at our best and at our worst, and we still love each other very much. :love: I am excited for the married life, but not the mommy life. :o

 

He makes jokes about impregnating me, me being 'preggers', having kids, etc, and then when I seriously ask him what he wants, he says "I'm open to having at least one child, but not right now. I want us to grow up a bit before we bring a baby to the world." I feel the same way.

 

I love your story, it really does the soul good to read such inspiring stories such as these. :D I am very happy for you and your partner and I sure hope you get to make a family soon! In the right time and with the right partner, I'm sure having kids is amazing. Just, not right now. Maybe I'll just have one and then tie the ol' tubes. :lmao:

 

Thank you!

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You seem completely normal, OP. I think you just got a little smarter about children and realized having babies is not always a walk in the park. There are challenges and trials...I hear it's the hardest job on earth!

 

But I also hear there are some good parts, too. :p

 

I think you and your fiancee are very wise to wait and grow and settle before making such a humongous decision.

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You seem completely normal, OP. I think you just got a little smarter about children and realized having babies is not always a walk in the park. There are challenges and trials...I hear it's the hardest job on earth!

 

But I also hear there are some good parts, too. :p

 

I think you and your fiancee are very wise to wait and grow and settle before making such a humongous decision.

 

I am very blessed to have my family who also supports me and tells me that I should wait several years, at least until my late 20's/early 30's to have babies, because you're right, it IS the hardest job on Earth, with no vacation days or pay. :lmao:

 

Having children can teach a person a lot of things, and I am intrigued about such lessons, but right now, I want to focus on my partner and our relationship, my budding career, traveling to new places, growing up and get mature, and finding a nice home before bringing a bundle of joy into my life.

 

I'm kind of concerned about my partner's constant pregnant jokes, though. I mean, he does it constantly and it freaks me out a little. :sick:

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Sounds like you have a handle on things OP.

 

I don't think anyone really looks forward to all the negative elements of birth/parenting. I'm pretty sure the rewards greatly out way it though. I know it will teach me a lot.

 

You are wise to just wait and see. .. and there is no hurry for you. Enjoy the time to have to travel and experience all you can.

 

I wish I could wait a bit longer... spend some more time nesting with just me and my honey.... but I'm getting too old to wait much longer. :laugh:

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I'm kind of concerned about my partner's constant pregnant jokes, though. I mean, he does it constantly and it freaks me out a little. :sick:

 

You should start making jokes about getting a big strap-on and planting your own seed in him!

 

... his face will be priceless. ;);)

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For some people, having children is a great thing. For others, it's not

We Need to Talk About Women Who Regret Motherhood

 

I think it's good that you're thinking about the pros and cons and if it's right for you. Don't let anyone talk you into procreating if you think raising a child will not add a lot of joy and enrichment to your life, despite any hardships, because if you're not up for all that parenting entails, it's not good for the child.

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I just don't understand how I went from being so open to the idea of having children and being a mother, and now I start shaking in my boot when I hear my little sister inviting her school age friends over, or dealing with moody teenagers walking around the mall, or babies fidgeting and crying while I'm shopping. Could it just mean that I'm not meant to be a mother after all? :(

When you're 14, it's easy to look at having kids like it's easy, natural, obvious, and free of difficulties.

 

As you mature and start to see the reality of raising children, the equilibrium shifts - it starts to become clear that it's a daunting endeavor - maybe even a little scary - and not something that you do "just because." Especially when you are still relatively young, you start to see the reality of child rearing, while perhaps you still haven't established yourself confidently in your adult life.

 

You may find that as you get older and gain more life experience, the equilibrium may shift again - you will still see the realities of child-rearing, but you may also become more settled in your adult life, more financially secure, and more confident in your capabilities and your vision for your future.

Some folks arrive at a decision to have kids relatively early; others end up deciding it's not for them. I think it's important to note that we should allow everybody to find their own equilibrium at their own pace. Many people assume that everyone should have kids and they put pressure on others who are unsure or decide not to, as if it's some moral or societal obligation.

 

My view is: everyone gets to make their own decision, in their own time, and others should respect and not try to manipulate your process. Your feelings about family and children will shift and evolve over time, with age, life experience, goals, career, etc.

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thefooloftheyear

As a parent, its a mountain of responsibility that unfortunately many "parents" dont take seriously enough...

 

You are only 21...I dont think anyone really knows what the heck they really want at that age anyway...Understand, I am not criticising you, we all were there at one time..No one is any different here...

 

Enjoy your youth...You will never be as young as you are right now...if it happens, just make sure you are fully prepared...It may be the best thing that happens to you, but some people dont or arent cut out for it...and thats fine as well..

 

TFY

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Thanks!

 

 

 

I have a fiance who is 27 right now. I am definitely happy and excited about spending my life with him, as he is my best friend and we have seen each other at our best and at our worst, and we still love each other very much. :love: I am excited for the married life, but not the mommy life. :o

 

He makes jokes about impregnating me, me being 'preggers', having kids, etc, and then when I seriously ask him what he wants, he says "I'm open to having at least one child, but not right now. I want us to grow up a bit before we bring a baby to the world." I feel the same way.

 

I love your story, it really does the soul good to read such inspiring stories such as these. :D I am very happy for you and your partner and I sure hope you get to make a family soon! In the right time and with the right partner, I'm sure having kids is amazing. Just, not right now. Maybe I'll just have one and then tie the ol' tubes. :lmao:

 

Thank you!

 

My husband says stuff like this too. :laugh::laugh:

 

Anyways, I know exactly how you feel. I always thought I would have kids someday. A few years ago, I thought I was going to start trying for kids right now at 25. Thank goodness that didn't happen. I think it really is important to wait, even if you think you know what you want in your early 20's. You don't really know yourself until at least mid-late twenties. When my husband and I were first together and madly in love, I thought we'd have kids right away, but I am so thankful we've been waiting. At this point in my life, I would like to have kids maybe in another 10 years or so, but definitely not anytime soon. If for some reason I cannot have children, I am okay with that too. I too hear about all the horror stories and see all these parents whose lives revolve around their kids and it doesn't appeal, although I know there is a happy medium. Don't worry too much about it right now, just enjoy your youth and see what happens later on. Maybe you'll change your mind, maybe you won't. Who knows. There's plenty of time for kids later.

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I'm kind of concerned about my partner's constant pregnant jokes, though. I mean, he does it constantly and it freaks me out a little. :sick:

 

My husband did this to me too. Not so much now that I've made it clear about how children aren't in my immediate plans for the future. He understands my reasoning and agrees we aren't in a position to be parents anytime soon. As long as you both are open on this issue, just tease him back regarding the pregnancy thing. :lmao:

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still_an_Angel

People change OP, as you go through life your views change and one day you wake up in a different mindset. There is nothing wrong with that, but before you decide to have kids, at least be mentally prepared that having them is really what you want. Raising kids can be a thankless job at times but I find joy and fulfillment in my kids' love for me. My purpose in life revolves around them.

 

And btw, I am the reverse of you. I was never into having kids, naming them and all that stuff as a teen and even into my 20s. But now hello! I have the most number of kids among my college roommates! go figure hahaha:laugh:

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Father'sGentleFlower

Well parenting is not for everyone, but yeah people change their minds. At one point in my teens I thought I'd be too busy to start a family, being an aspiring character animator and all, but after having my first boyfriend, I realized there's actually quite a bit of desire in me to start a family with some one that I love. I don't know that it will be him unfortunately, but someday. Anyways you have while to think about it.

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I have a fiance who is 27 right now. I am definitely happy and excited about spending my life with him, as he is my best friend and we have seen each other at our best and at our worst, and we still love each other very much. :love: I am excited for the married life, but not the mommy life. :o

 

He makes jokes about impregnating me, me being 'preggers', having kids, etc, and then when I seriously ask him what he wants, he says "I'm open to having at least one child, but not right now. I want us to grow up a bit before we bring a baby to the world." I feel the same way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am very blessed to have my family who also supports me and tells me that I should wait several years, at least until my late 20's/early 30's to have babies, because you're right, it IS the hardest job on Earth, with no vacation days or pay. :lmao:

 

Having children can teach a person a lot of things, and I am intrigued about such lessons, but right now, I want to focus on my partner and our relationship, my budding career, traveling to new places, growing up and get mature, and finding a nice home before bringing a bundle of joy into my life.

 

I'm kind of concerned about my partner's constant pregnant jokes, though. I mean, he does it constantly and it freaks me out a little. :sick:

 

 

First off, those two bolded parts conflict each other, personally I think he just does this to tease you, so I wouldn't take it seriously. When you ask him and he replies he's not ready yet either, that's being on the same page. There is nothing wrong with not being ready yet. This time is about the two of you growing your relationship to present a stable foundation to raise a child in...seriously, there is nothing selfish about that.

 

 

I had my first child at 18, mothering instincts typically kick in when you first get to hold your child, and they did for me as well. But what was missing was life experience, personal growth, education and a solid foundation between two people who needed to help this little person grow. I started single parenting at 22 and realized my daughter and I had no real future without an education. Started college....etc etc etc. Today, I have the life I had hoped to have for my kids to have a sense of a normal life...now they are grown and I only have today to work with.

 

 

There is no glory in working the parenting plan "backwards" and it's totally okay to wait. When your fiancé teases you, just tell him thank you that he realizes that biological clocks still work in the "30's" when you are BOTH ready to be parents, then there is nothing to "freak" about when you are both on the same page....

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KeepCalmCarryOn

You're 23 which is somewhat young but you really should think about it because you are at the prime age for healthy babies

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thefooloftheyear
You're 23 which is somewhat young but you really should think about it because you are at the prime age for healthy babies

 

There are legions of women having completely healthy children....even well into their 40's....Id never use the justification that at 23 you are "at the prime age"....Even if it was true, if the rest of your life isnt in order you will have a physically healthy child with a dysfunctional upbringing....What is the point of that?

 

Id take my chances at having them later.....

 

TFY

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KeepCalmCarryOn
There are legions of women having completely healthy children....even well into their 40's....Id never use the justification that at 23 you are "at the prime age"....Even if it was true, if the rest of your life isnt in order you will have a physically healthy child with a dysfunctional upbringing....What is the point of that?

 

Id take my chances at having them later.....

 

TFY

 

I mean she's already lucky in the fact that at 23 she found someone to marry... If you're married maybe wait a month or two then have babies. What could you really want to do as a married couple without kids? I mean what travel? You can do that with kids. I have a problem with married women who don't want kids who are in the pwrfect age to have kids. I mean I guess if you're not as lucky and get married older in your late 30s or 40s I can see not having kids because you're not young enough. But at 23 and married, kids should be the next step. As far as a dysfunctional upbringing... I mean it isn't ideal to be a single parent or unprepared but it happens a lot and I'm sure you learn to adjust.

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thefooloftheyear
I mean she's already lucky in the fact that at 23 she found someone to marry... If you're married maybe wait a month or two then have babies. What could you really want to do as a married couple without kids? I mean what travel? You can do that with kids. I have a problem with married women who don't want kids who are in the pwrfect age to have kids. I mean I guess if you're not as lucky and get married older in your late 30s or 40s I can see not having kids because you're not young enough. But at 23 and married, kids should be the next step. As far as a dysfunctional upbringing... I mean it isn't ideal to be a single parent or unprepared but it happens a lot and I'm sure you learn to adjust.

 

Says who?

 

Most 23 year olds can hardly pay their bills, cant buy a house, and probably cant survive on one income...So now, you have two young people(and btw, its not like 50 years ago-most 23 year olds arent mature enough to make such a colossal life altering decision)..with barely enough money or time to survive themselves, trying to raise a child(ren)...Not to mention, the way people move in and out of relationships(especially younger people), its just wise to make sure that this mariiage/relationship will actually have a chance of surviving, because divorce and single parenting is very hard on a child..I know....been there and done that already...:rolleyes:

 

We waited until our mid 30's...We were financially secure at that point, owned my house and we had the luxury of being able to not shuttle a tiny infant into the hands of a day care provider, while we both worked full time killing ourselves to make sure the bills got paid..which we were dead set against...My kid is 12 now, but no one has ever watched her except her parents or grandparents..

 

I wont judge anyone for what they choose to do, only to say that people rarely figure in the real "costs" in terms of monetarily and time to raise a child properly...Some never consider these things and choose to have a kid on pure emotions...Never works out..Need to plan this event very carefully- more than anything in ones life...

 

TFY

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I mean she's already lucky in the fact that at 23 she found someone to marry... If you're married maybe wait a month or two then have babies. What could you really want to do as a married couple without kids? I mean what travel? You can do that with kids. I have a problem with married women who don't want kids who are in the pwrfect age to have kids. I mean I guess if you're not as lucky and get married older in your late 30s or 40s I can see not having kids because you're not young enough. But at 23 and married, kids should be the next step. As far as a dysfunctional upbringing... I mean it isn't ideal to be a single parent or unprepared but it happens a lot and I'm sure you learn to adjust.

 

Why should kids be the "next step" after getting married? Why does a woman have to get pregnant as soon as she is married? Why can't she enjoy some time with her partner without a child there because once they have a kid they will never get that alone time back.

 

Also why do you have a problem with married women who don't want kids?

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KeepCalmCarryOn
Why should kids be the "next step" after getting married? Why does a woman have to get pregnant as soon as she is married? Why can't she enjoy some time with her partner without a child there because once they have a kid they will never get that alone time back.

 

Also why do you have a problem with married women who don't want kids?

 

Because it is just a waste. I mean what's the point of getting married if you don't want a family.

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Because it is just a waste. I mean what's the point of getting married if you don't want a family.

 

This is really an ignorant way of thinking. A lot of married couples want that commitment of forever, but may not want children. I've been married 6 years and I'm 25. I thought I would have kids sooner, but at an older age, you think more maturely and make better decisions. I don't understand people who rush into having kids just after marriage...especially with the high divorce rate. Get to know each other and enjoy life for awhile before you think of having kids. And no traveling is not easy with kids.:rolleyes:

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KeepCalmCarryOn
This is really an ignorant way of thinking. A lot of married couples want that commitment of forever, but may not want children. I've been married 6 years and I'm 25. I thought I would have kids sooner, but at an older age, you think more maturely and make better decisions. I don't understand people who rush into having kids just after marriage...especially with the high divorce rate. Get to know each other and enjoy life for awhile before you think of having kids. And no traveling is not easy with kids.:rolleyes:

 

Idk traveling isn't important to me. A family is. It's just pointless to get married if you don't want kids that's just my opinion

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Because it is just a waste. I mean what's the point of getting married if you don't want a family.

 

Waste of what?

 

I am married and don't have a family. I was 27 when I got married. I have since found there are plenty of points to be married... with or without children.

 

But I am not sure what I have wasted? But I am not as single focused as yourself.

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