amakgf Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I feel like I have messed up my poor daughters so badly. My oldest is a totally neurotic, anxious, excessively literal girl like her mom and my younger daughter is developing intensely passive-aggressive habits just like her father. They are both so smart, but so young and scared. I have a tendency to talk talk talk, way too much probably, and I would like to do some family therapy once I am finally divorced and can assume the funds to do so, but does anyone have some advice for the meantime? I have been so careful what I say and do, trying to give as much time and affection as I can. I am so depleted myself, though, I worry that I can just never do anything right. And since my stbx is still living in the home with us, it's total eggshell walking because I'm quite sure he knows the kids are the only thing he could possibly hurt me with at this point. Trying to do the family thing, but also trying so hard to not let them think it's going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 hmmm..... Modified behavior and Listening skills are key in parenting. The change starts one step at a time. Consistency in positive ways. refrain from doing a 180 in habits, small changes ...moving forward with the aide of a non bias counselor. There are some positives that parents relay to their kids...find yours and tap into it as a resource. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I have a tendency to talk talk talk, way too much probably, You are not alone in this by any stretch of the imagination! Don't beat yourself up for liking to talk! It's human nature. Go easy on yourself! I'll bet you're an awesome lady! And, that your husband has you beaten down mentally. Hang in there, once you divorce and he's gone, it will be a whole new (and GREAT) world for you. It certainly was for me Also, - allow your daughters to have their turn to speak as well, and be sure to listen when they do. Listening means being still and making eye contact, and tuning in, so they KNOW you are listening, with compassion and heart. and I would like to do some family therapy once I am finally divorced and can assume the funds to do so, but does anyone have some advice for the meantime? Family therapy is helpful, to have a moderator in the room to help balance the discussion, and give ideas. Many therapists work on a sliding scale. Call United Way, or a Women's Shelter, or AAA, or the county mental health offices, or the school- sooooo many places can link you to a sliding scale family therapist. Or just start calling in the phone book. But in the meantime, start reading all over the interenet, websites on parenting, and google 'best parenting books for raising teens', etc etc. And check them out from your local library. Books and websites offer so much varied insight into parenting. I have been so careful what I say and do, trying to give as much time and affection as I can. I am so depleted myself, though, I worry that I can just never do anything right. An extremely common situation, when a woman seeks to get a divorce. By the time you get to the point of seeking divorce, you have been so beaten down by trying to make it work (often with an abuser, you said your husband is passive aggressive) that you are SPENT, DEPLETED, and just a shell of your former self. So common, so typical. Don't work about being perfect. Take it one day at a time. No need for perfection! Just be there for your daughters. Listening is a biggie, along with being a positive role model, teaching integrity, making good choices, setting boundaries, and teaching them the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and poor sexual choices/ consequences of sexual activity. So much to deal with, but it all has to be communicated with your kids, doesn't it? Take it a bit at a time. And since my stbx is still living in the home with us, it's total eggshell walking because I'm quite sure he knows the kids are the only thing he could possibly hurt me with at this point. Trying to do the family thing, but also trying so hard to not let them think it's going to work out. The eggshell walking tells me alot. You need to get out as soon as you feasibly can. That is never a good situation (I spent years and years in that predicament). You will need a support system and a plan. Rome wasn't built in a day, so take it day by day, but keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 1 - I agree with Tayla. You have to modify your behavior. 2 - Talking too much? Unless it's at a funeral or during an important speech or some very inappropriate time, you're probably not talking too much AT ALL and people being different (some talkative, some quiet) is what makes life a great adventure we can all have together. But your main concern is your kids. You are one of their biggest influences, even if their friends seem to be bigger sometimes. You have to become that best role model you can be. It's all up to you and what you do in front of them, how you handle situations. They will be naturally influenced by you and try to emulate you. There is no "I can't do ________" when it comes to your kids. Yes, you can! You sound pretty worried about them and how they are dealing with things and how their personalities are forming. You see your faults and your husbands and if you're worried like this, your only choice, the only thing you can do...is change you. I don't know your whole history but it does sound to me like your self-esteem has been beaten down about things that are just personality traits and that's wrong. You sound energetic and talkative. Those are great traits to have. But if you're seeing these as flaws? Don't do that in front of your daughters! Because then they will see it as something wrong too. These things are right, not wrong. Embrace them in front of your daughters! Link to post Share on other sites
Author amakgf Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 Thank you. I am building a support system and working on a plan. It stinks having to wait, but I have been doing it so long, knowing the end is in sight gives me some sense of peace and purpose. I know what I grew up with had a major impact on my life becoming what it is, and I want the cycle to stop here, too show them how it should be and also to teach them that in the end they can only count on themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 @OP.....I have some experience in this and can chip in. What I found from my experience and acquaintances is that whenever there is a daughter involved, the Moms usually become besties with the girls, involve them in ongoing adult matter, and get them to try and take sides. Now am not saying that is what is going here as I don't know you from Adam, but kids should NOT be involved in adult matters, and the less they know the better for them during this difficult time. Additionally, kids do better when both parents are involved in their lives (considering there is no abuse, drugs, violence, alcohol) after a divorce. Again most moms try and get sole custody because they think a father can't look after his own daughter, and some will even go as far as make false domestic abuse claims just to spite their stbx. Yes...sounds like counseling is definitely needed here by the sound of things. Scary that these are the girls that are going to grow up and be someone's gf / wife, and the sooner they get the help, the better Link to post Share on other sites
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