Ex husband putting our daughter at risk.

[Lurkeraspect]

My ex and I have been divorced for about 5 years. We co-parent our 10 year old daughter. While is was difficult in the beginning, we made things work and things had been going well.

 

He has now started dating a divorced woman who has 4 kids and lives about 30 miles away from us both. My issue lies in the fact that our daughter shared that she has spent the night at his girlfriends house (without him). I expressed my concern and he blows me off, saying "it's no big deal". It is a big deal. My daughter doesn't like it, as she barley knows this woman, and I don't like it because I don't know her, and she has teenage boys. I've tried turning tables on him by saying if the situation was reversed, he'd have a huge issue with my daughter staying at my boyfriends house (I don't date) and he of course, says that, yes, he would, but it's not the same. Of course it's the same.

 

Have any of you dealt with a situation like this, and what steps (if any) can I take to prevent this.

[KaliKatherine]

Wow I am divorced less than one year with 2 young daughters. The situation you describe would make me upset, too. I hope someone with more experience comments on this.

 

There's 3 big problems

1) your daughter is uncomfortable/feels insecure with the situation.

2) dad is dismissing her feelings, and obviously putting his needs before hers

3) teenage boys whom you don't know, who may or may not be fine young men, talking/acting/doing what normal teenagers do, which may or may not be appropriate exposure for a 10 year old girl.

 

As an aside, I've heard of some parenting plans that have what I believe is called a 'right of first refusal' clause which basically means when the other parent is supposed to be with the child according to the custody schedule but cannot for whatever reason, that the 'off' parent be first offered the opportunity to be with the child.

[amaysngrace]

Why is she at risk? What does this woman or her children do to her to make you say that?

[d0nnivain]

My EX's son spent some time alone with me when he wasn't here. I offered his EX-wife a tour to address her concerns. The kid liked it here because it was more peaceful & less stressful than other places he stayed, including with family, so mom was more comfortable with her son's choice.

 

Where is your EX when your daughter is with the new GF? If he's working, try come be more flexible. Perhaps you can pick up your daughter when he goes to work & she can go back in the morning. Can you switch days etc.?

 

If he's not working, but out having fun, that is a different story.

 

Get your daughter to articular why she doesn't like the arrangement. Calmly explain the situation to your EX from your daughter's perspective. It May just be that your daughter is afraid to get to know the GF out of loyalty to you.

[Lurkeraspect]

Why is she at risk? What does this woman or her children do to her to make you say that?

 

I feel it's a risk when my daughter is placed in a position (age 8) in a house where she knows no one, in a situation where things could go wrong, and her dad or mom aren't present. I guess you don't get that. Sorry, my response aren't instantaneous, as I'm somehow on moderation, even though I'm a new member. Thank you to the poster who mentioned the "right of first refusal". Yes, we have that. He somehow thinks he can bypass that by saying its a "sleepover". You know what. Date, don't. Just please, leave our young daughter out of your crap. And the point is...I don't know. She has teenage boys. They may be perfectly respectful boys. I don't know, and NEITHER DOES HE. Get it?

Edited October 3, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[Radu]

I'd definitely react the way you do.

[beatcuff]

OP, you are overreacting and being unrealistic. you seriously expect your X to be with her on his time --- the entire time. well you are not: she goes to school (assume hangs unattended at the school bus stop or will shortly), she goes to friends etc.

 

this is more its HER (his GF). you have to accept this would happen and has. but this:

 

if the situation was reversed, he'd have a huge issue with my daughter staying at my boyfriends house (I don't date) and he of course, says that, yes, he would, but it's not the same. Of course it's the same.

 

i suppose under the theory that more 'stepdads' molest girls than 'stepmoms' and being a dad of a daughter i am much more concerned about that. still i agree its close enough to be the same.

 

i suggest a different tack to get what you want (this assumes dad has the typical every other weekend): tell him his daughter wants to spend time with HIM; about how she is much happier when she returns to you (daughter talks about the great time) and is more willing to go with him when they spend time TOGETHER.

 

you could toss in: in a couple of years with HS and clubs/sports her time will be taken up. you get the hint. most dads have a special spot for their daughters, but they still need to be 'reminded' of their influence from time to time.

 

good luck

Edited October 3, 2014 by beatcuff
really poor grammar

[jellybean89]

I can see your concern, but I can also see your ex's view.

 

You are worried that she is being left alone with teenage boys she doesn't know and doesn't feel comfortable with.

 

He feels she is "just fine" being left with them for a couple hours while he and his g/f go out for a bit.

 

It is definitely a fine line - you want your daughter to be able to talk to you about what she is feeling; but you also need to make sure you aren't putting your anxiety about it onto her.

 

He has his right to visitation - however he wants to use it. If he wants to leave her with a babysitter (not saying his g/f is a babysitter) the whole time, that is his right...his time, his decision.

 

You are worried about her being around people you don't know and that is understandable.

 

Can you talk with him - in a non-confrontational manner - about your concerns? Maybe work with a mediator on this? Why did she spend the night at the g/f's house without him? That would concern me because if there was an emergency, and he isn't there, does anyone know how to contact you?

 

Do you have an issue with his g/f? You say you don't date - why?

[Tayla]

OP- From a medical stand point the GF would have no authority should a episode come up that could require medical attention. The custodial or parent are the only ones to make such medical decisions. SO you make a valid point in that HE is to be there.

 

Consider getting a paralegal to write up some simple rules of contract for visitation time. As a previously poster mentioned, some laws require that the Legal guardians be present during the entire time allotted with the child.

 

Your daughter deserves her concerns acknowledged and taken seriously. Just make sure they are of her own and not piped into her thru various conversation that adults have that influence kids. Transference of feelings / etc.

 

Get a family Liason if need be , the local courts have them to sort out these family visitation concerns.

[Lurkeraspect]

I can see your concern, but I can also see your ex's view.

 

You are worried that she is being left alone with teenage boys she doesn't know and doesn't feel comfortable with.

 

He feels she is "just fine" being left with them for a couple hours while he and his g/f go out for a bit.

 

It is definitely a fine line - you want your daughter to be able to talk to you about what she is feeling; but you also need to make sure you aren't putting your anxiety about it onto her.

 

He has his right to visitation - however he wants to use it. If he wants to leave her with a babysitter (not saying his g/f is a babysitter) the whole time, that is his right...his time, his decision.

 

You are worried about her being around people you don't know and that is understandable.

 

Can you talk with him - in a non-confrontational manner - about your concerns? Maybe work with a mediator on this? Why did she spend the night at the g/f's house without him? That would concern me because if there was an emergency, and he isn't there, does anyone know how to contact you?

 

Do you have an issue with his g/f? You say you don't date - why?

 

 

Hi, Jellybean,

 

Firstly, NO! I have no issue with his dating, and by all I've gleaned (via FB) she seems like an above board woman. No issue with that. My problem is my daughter. She's clearly not comfortable being dropped off to spend the night at his GF's house without him and with kids, mostly teenagers that she doesn't know. I get that. We do have the 'right of first refusal' in our parenting plan, and if he has plans, (work or not) I'm to have the first call. He's not doing that.

 

Look, my daughter is young, just turned 9. She isn't comfortable spending the night (alone) with people she doesn't know. It's noting more than that. It's not about me. It's about her. I'm consulting my lawyer about this, because he is clearly not abiding by the rules of our parenting plan.

 

And to others who think he is this part time dad, he's not. We have an equitable 50/50 parenting plan. I just want/wish he'd use his time with our daughter, and not about implanting his penis in a warm vagina.

[Raena]

Consulting your lawyer sounds like what you need to do. He isn't working with you on this and doesn't see your point of view, even though it's a very valid point of view. He even admits that he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed.

 

I don't understand why anyone would think this is an ok thing to do and give you grief about it. This is your daughter and she's at that age where anything could happen to her if left unattended. Heck, I wouldn't like it even if it were a boy. You have a plan in place, he clearly isn't following it and isn't willing to listen to reason so you may need to take the next necessary steps.

[Lurkeraspect]

Consulting your lawyer sounds like what you need to do. He isn't working with you on this and doesn't see your point of view, even though it's a very valid point of view. He even admits that he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed.

 

I don't understand why anyone would think this is an ok thing to do and give you grief about it. This is your daughter and she's at that age where anything could happen to her if left unattended. Heck, I wouldn't like it even if it were a boy. You have a plan in place, he clearly isn't following it and isn't willing to listen to reason so you may need to take the next necessary steps.

 

Thank you! Sometimes navigating this (single) parenting thing is daunting and isolating. I appreciate your grasp and understanding. It's not about me, it's about her...our kid, and doing what's right.

 

Again, thank you for the supportive comment.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[Hope Shimmers]

I can see your concern, but I can also see your ex's view.

 

You are worried that she is being left alone with teenage boys she doesn't know and doesn't feel comfortable with.

 

He feels she is "just fine" being left with them for a couple hours while he and his g/f go out for a bit.

 

It is definitely a fine line - you want your daughter to be able to talk to you about what she is feeling; but you also need to make sure you aren't putting your anxiety about it onto her.

 

He has his right to visitation - however he wants to use it. If he wants to leave her with a babysitter (not saying his g/f is a babysitter) the whole time, that is his right...his time, his decision.

 

You are worried about her being around people you don't know and that is understandable.

 

Can you talk with him - in a non-confrontational manner - about your concerns? Maybe work with a mediator on this? Why did she spend the night at the g/f's house without him? That would concern me because if there was an emergency, and he isn't there, does anyone know how to contact you?

 

Do you have an issue with his g/f? You say you don't date - why?

 

I think you're missing the boat. This young child is not being left "for a couple of hours" but rather overnight in a household of people she doesn't know, including teenaged boys. I would be kicking, screaming mad if my ex-H did this with our daughter.

 

He has his right to visitation - however he wants to use it. If he wants to leave her with a babysitter (not saying his g/f is a babysitter) the whole time, that is his right...his time, his decision.

 

This is completely legally false. If there is right of first refusal written into the agreement, then he CANNOT use it "however he wants to use it". If he cannot physically be with the child and needs to leave her in the care of someone else, then legally he MUST contact his ex-W and offer her first option to have the child during that time. He is totally violating the agreement and blatantly breaking the law (not to mention using horrible judgement).

 

You say you don't date - why?

 

How is the fact that OP isn't dating relevant to any of this? Baffling...

[Raena]

Thank you! Sometimes navigating this (single) parenting thing is daunting and isolating. I appreciate your grasp and understanding. It's not about me, it's about her...our kid, and doing what's right.

 

Again, thank you for the supportive comment.

 

I completely get it because I'm in the same situation. I don't like the idea of a child being schlepped around from house to house with no real consistency either (in addition to worrying about whether or not she's being treated well there). It's bad enough she has to switch back and forth between you and her father, it's even worse when she is now being asked to stay at some woman's house too (one who is just her father's gf too). Co-parenting is a difficult job and it's never ending. New issues crop up all the time. Especially when you involve outside people in the situation... significant others namely. What if things don't work out with this gf, is he going to send her off to the next one too? Honestly, sometimes people really just don't think things through.

[Hope Shimmers]

I completely get it because I'm in the same situation. I don't like the idea of a child being schlepped around from house to house with no real consistency either (in addition to worrying about whether or not she's being treated well there). It's bad enough she has to switch back and forth between you and her father, it's even worse when she is now being asked to stay at some woman's house too (one who is just her father's gf too). Co-parenting is a difficult job and it's never ending. New issues crop up all the time. Especially when you involve outside people in the situation... significant others namely. What if things don't work out with this gf, is he going to send her off to the next one too? Honestly, sometimes people really just don't think things through.

 

Seems like frequently it's the man who doesn't think things through.

 

I've been divorced going on 8 years and also share every-other-week (50/50 custody) and my ex-H decided right after our divorce (before it was final, actually) to introduce our then 6-year-old daughter to his girlfriend. This girlfriend happened to be married to one man and was living with another man, and cheating with both men by dating (read: screwing) my ex-husband. And he thought it was appropriate to introduce them and allow her to spend time at this woman's house. Keep in mind my ex-H is a supposedly intelligent and highly-educated person with a upper executive position.

 

I was ready to tie his balls to a metal pole in the dead of winter, with a little ice water poured on for good measure. Common sense, anyone?

 

Lesson learned: if possible, get it written into your custody agreement that you will not expose your children to a romantic interest until it becomes a permanent relationship.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[amaysngrace]

Poor girl will never get to go to a sleepover or ever have one herself since by law a parent needs to be present at all times if a child were to require medical attention.

[Hope Shimmers]

Poor girl will never get to go to a sleepover or ever have one herself since by law a parent needs to be present at all times if a child were to require medical attention.

 

Do you have kids in this situation and personal experience? Because you are wrong. I have no idea what you are talking about regarding 'medical attention'.

[amaysngrace]

I was referring to this:

 

OP- From a medical stand point the GF would have no authority should a episode come up that could require medical attention. The custodial or parent are the only ones to make such medical decisions. SO you make a valid point in that HE is to be there.

 

Consider getting a paralegal to write up some simple rules of contract for visitation time. As a previously poster mentioned, some laws require that the Legal guardians be present during the entire time allotted with the child.

 

Yes I do have children and they were watched by my exH's GF before she became his wife. It's not that big of a deal IMO. But I wasn't focused on him putting his penis into her vagina either.

 

So maybe I lack the overreaction factor...I don't seek out drama.

 

Do you have kids in this situation and personal experience? Because you are wrong. I have no idea what you are talking about regarding 'medical attention'.

[Lurkeraspect]

I was referring to this:

 

 

 

Yes I do have children and they were watched by my exH's GF before she became his wife. It's not that big of a deal IMO. But I wasn't focused on him putting his penis into her vagina either.

 

So maybe I lack the overreaction factor...I don't seek out drama.

 

While I appreciate your insight, let me assure you I hardly seek out drama. I'm simply responding to my daughter and her concerns. She has many friends and does have sleepovers, with people we know and houses we have been in. But they don't live 30 miles from either parent and typically don't have teenage boys in the house that we don't know.

 

So what you call an overreaction, I label concerned parenting.

[Lurkeraspect]

I can see your concern, but I can also see your ex's view.

 

You are worried that she is being left alone with teenage boys she doesn't know and doesn't feel comfortable with.

 

He feels she is "just fine" being left with them for a couple hours while he and his g/f go out for a bit.

 

It is definitely a fine line - you want your daughter to be able to talk to you about what she is feeling; but you also need to make sure you aren't putting your anxiety about it onto her.

 

He has his right to visitation - however he wants to use it. If he wants to leave her with a babysitter (not saying his g/f is a babysitter) the whole time, that is his right...his time, his decision.

 

You are worried about her being around people you don't know and that is understandable.

 

Can you talk with him - in a non-confrontational manner - about your concerns? Maybe work with a mediator on this? Why did she spend the night at the g/f's house without him? That would concern me because if there was an emergency, and he isn't there, does anyone know how to contact you?

 

Do you have an issue with his g/f? You say you don't date - why?

 

Look. I don't know his girlfriend, have never met her. I do know where she (general) lives and that she has four kids, three are teenagers and all are older than my daughter. The issue isn't about him dating, it's about leaving our daughter with people she doesn't know. Had she not told me, I'd have never known. What's he does on his time isn't the issue, leaving our child at a virtual strangers house is. I have butter in my refrigerator older than this relationship. And he runs through women like water. I just wish he'd do all that when he's not with our child.

 

And, I choose to forgo dating so I can raise my young child, work, take care of our home, etc. I don't have time to be out scoping out men. And honestly, I have zero desire.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[d0nnivain]

I agree that you are being a concerned parent.

 

I'm still back to why your daughter is being left with your EX's new GF & whether you can arrange to pick her up when he needs a "babysitter"? Yes that gives you less free time but it may be the best thing for your daughter's safety / peace of mind.

 

Also is there any way that you could meet the new GF & her teenaged sons to assess the level of any potential threats? This would require extreme diplomacy but again I'm trying to think of your daughter. I say this because when I was the GF, I was willing to put the bio mom's concerns about her son's safety to rest. Maybe the new GF is too.

[juicygirl]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd be pretty pissed off too. Your ex doesn't feel your daughter is at risk because his GF is female. If you left your daughter with a new boyfriend, and then went off to work for 8 hours, I'm pretty sure he'd be upset.

 

Just point out that your daughter wants to spend quality time with her dad, not his GF. where does he go off to went he leaves her?

[trippi1432]

I have butter in my refrigerator older than this relationship. And he runs through women like water. I just wish he'd do all that when he's not with our child.

 

And, I choose to forgo dating so I can raise my young child, work, take care of our home, etc. I don't have time to be out scoping out men. And honestly, I have zero desire.

 

 

My perspective is he has no business introducing his young daughter to any of these women until he has picked one to settle down with. My own father ran through several women while he was divorced, I can tell you the impressions I was left with as a young child.

 

 

If one is a keeper (for more than five minutes) I do like what Donnivan has offered in the way of advice.....perhaps meeting the woman and the kids would be a benefit. This way, you can judge for yourself if she really is above board and a nice person that would understand your concerns as well. As a single mom herself, surely she's had to deal with similar issues.

[merrmeade]

Good grief! Why are you being given such a hard time for trying to protect your child - who's asking you to protect her!

 

The issues are clear. Order of importance for me are -

Overnight: a long time for an 8 yo child in a new, unverified environment

She's uncomfortable:

- That's a red flag for a young child.

- Young children can't explain well yet "why" they're uncomfortable

- She needs to know she's taken seriously when she says that

- She needs to feel safe!

You don't know the family.

30 miles away: inconvenient for you; too far for an emergency

 

You don't need any more reasons.

[Raena]

I was referring to this:

 

 

 

Yes I do have children and they were watched by my exH's GF before she became his wife. It's not that big of a deal IMO. But I wasn't focused on him putting his penis into her vagina either.

 

So maybe I lack the overreaction factor...I don't seek out drama.

 

Wow... that's quite a comment really. What if you exH was going through gf after gf after gf, never really getting to know each one well enough to know if she was someone he wanted around his kids let alone someone he wanted to marry?

 

Apparently you got lucky enough that your ex married the woman he introduced his child to... but not all men are like that.

 

And seriously.... you wouldn't be concerned with your young daughter spending the night ALONE (as in, without her father around) with a woman you don't know, a woman your daughter doesn't know, and who has teenage boys in the home? and on TOP of that... the child is stating she doesn't feel comfortable there?

 

Come on now, this isn't about drama... it's about sensible parenting. I'd have an issue if my ex did this to my son (who is 8) too. Heck, I already DO have an issue with it... but that's my story.

 

It's never a good idea to do this to kids. Especially if the other parent only gets their child every other weekend and then has the audacity to drop the child off on a stranger to the full-time parent. I sure wouldn't allow my son to go on a sleepover with some family I didn't know and hadn't vetted to make sure they were decent. Even better, I wouldn't leave him alone with some dude I just started dating either. It's just nonsense to make the OP feel like she's being dramatic when all she's doing is looking out for her child.

 

And where in any of her posts did she mention that she was worried about where her ex was sticking his penis? That's not what she talked about at all.