Teenage online relationship

[Buzzle]

My son is 15 and plays online games with people from around the world. He's a bit obsessed with it but is a good kid getting good grades and he stays out of trouble, so I give him some leeway. I recently discovered that he is communicating with a female teen who lives some 9 hours away. He has never had a real-life girlfriend, at least not one that he has ever brought home to me, and he has always been very secretive about any female interests, this new girl included.

 

I discovered her when I was looking through his phone.. came across a very short text string that indicated they had some history together. The texts were of that day only, which told me he had been deleting any previous messages… and we have an agreement that he is not to delete messages. There's really no reason for it unless he is hiding something, and if he wants to have an iPhone then he is not to delete. He knows my take on that and yet clearly he had been deleting hers. Now they don't text through the usual means anymore but through Skype, so he's trying to get around the "not deleting" rule in hopes I just won't realize that kids out there have so many other means of communicating. In truth, until the last week or so I hardly looked through his phone… I don't really like to but sometime feel like I just need to check things out and make sure nothing suspicious jumps out at me.

 

So now I know he has this "girlfriend" of sorts who he only knows through electronic communication. They seem to be very fond of each other but there does seem to be that typical teen drama. I know he stayed up most the night (on the weekend) engaging her in some text disagreement. He lied about that of course and said he went to bed much earlier. This ALSO bothers me. I am concerned about him getting too involved in this and am really not sure at what point (if any) to step in. He is never going to end up meeting her.. I just don't really see the point at his age. Maybe if he were an adult then go ahead an tackle a long-distance relationship, but at 15? No. I am all about him having friends around the globe who he's met through his game.. I don't mind that at all. The "girlfriend" situation has me a bit concerned though.

 

The other clincher to all this is that because she lives 9 hours away and their hours are so different, this means when I see his 5pm Skype messages to her, that it's 2am her time, and that is NOT ok with me. We are talking mid-week here, not weekend. I would be peaved if I were her parent and some boy was keeping my daughter from sleep. I'm just not sure how to handle that. Yeah I can tell him "do NOT text her when it's her bedtime" but then what do I do if he does anyway? He would know I'd looked at their Skype messages and he'd probably just hide their conversations better is all. I don't want to overstep my bounds here because I know these kids can always find a work around - because of that I really don't want to try to be a control freak, but I feel like I am so caught up in the middle that I need someone else's perspective.

Edited September 24, 2014 by Buzzle

[Tayla]

In what ways has this built trust for either of you? Have you sat down and spoken openly? Wonder how you would like someone going thru your things....

Step back, regroup and be calm. This is setting the stage for an important talk that needs both sides to be open. Best to you.

[FallingLeaves]

Wait, does she live 9 hours away, or is there a 9 hour time difference?

 

And I am also a bit skeptical about checking through his phone, I can see how that could damage trust.

 

For now...I honestly wouldn't jump in. Let him go through this and grow from it. Maybe try to hint at it and ask him about the people he's met, and if he particularly enjoys any of them?

[d0nnivain]

You are his mother. You can & should check anything you freaking want. This is your teenaged child we're talking about. You have obligations to keep him safe & raise him right. You put a roof over his head & probably pay the cell phone bill. Political correctness has no place in a parent child relationship.

 

Willy nilly invading his privacy probably isn't the greatest approach. Open discussion should be included in the mix.

 

Do some research; there have been a number of recent articles & studies about the adverse effects staying up all night on the cell phone has on teens. Some of the kids sleep with the phones & their sleep is disturbed all night by the notifications etc. They also don't have the self control to let it build up so they review a few things in the morning. Everything has to be instant.

 

Show those studies to your son. Explain how you are concerned about his health & development as well as his friend's.

 

Take the phone away at night if you have to & return it to him at breakfast.

[Blade96]

You should be able to check on him at times, he is a minor and you're his mother. Not willy nilly just invade privacy, but sometimes yeah you need to.

 

I don't have kids, but I do have experience with this kind of thing because my teen cousins would come to me seeking help and advice about things like sex and their bodies that they felt they couldn't go to their parents about. (I know. Parenting fail. Parents need to be able to talk to their kids and kids need to feel comfortable with them.) One cousin is now 25 and already has a good job, and has traveled to several different countries and wants to get good and settled before having a kid. The other is 2 years younger, did secondary college and has started a good job with his grandfather. He too is starting to do all right for himself. The third is just 13 but I hope she will be the same way.

 

You should tell your son that he can come to you with any concerns and questions he might have. Read about online relationships yourself and give him a page or two of tips on how to stay safe online. Ask him to tell you about his gf. Maybe get him to introduce you on skype or something. Talk to him about the sleep issues. And for the love of a saint bernard be a warm person he feels he can come to. A good relationship with you and open relationship as well as knowledge on how to keep safe, as well as developing and listening to gut instincts, will be his greatest defence and ally.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Blade96

[mrs rubble]

My oldest son was the same at that age, online games all night & chatting with people all over the world and he had a "girlfriend" he too chatted with at all hours. I tried taking the internet modem off him at bedtime, but he used to keep me awake instead because he was bored. In the end, I encouraged him to put his interest in gaming, computers and graphics to use by choosing subjects at school that made the most of it. He's 21 now and about 6 weeks off getting a degree in graphic design, he still plays online games, he hasn't mentioned the online "girlfriend" in years and I'd actually forgotten about her until I read your post.

In fact he hasn't had a real girlfriend at all yet. He still chats alot with his online gaming friends and most of them are on similar paths to him, they help each other out.

My advice- don't panic yet! Just keep an interested eye on him & encourage his strengths.

[Buzzle]

Wait, does she live 9 hours away, or is there a 9 hour time difference?

 

And I am also a bit skeptical about checking through his phone, I can see how that could damage trust.

 

For now...I honestly wouldn't jump in. Let him go through this and grow from it. Maybe try to hint at it and ask him about the people he's met, and if he particularly enjoys any of them?

 

There is a 9 hour time difference, so him texting her at 5pm our time is 2am her time. I need to address that at some point I think.. perhaps tell him that he should be showing respect to her to let her get her sleep.

[Buzzle]

You are his mother. You can & should check anything you freaking want. This is your teenaged child we're talking about. You have obligations to keep him safe & raise him right. You put a roof over his head & probably pay the cell phone bill. Political correctness has no place in a parent child relationship.

 

Willy nilly invading his privacy probably isn't the greatest approach. Open discussion should be included in the mix.

 

Do some research; there have been a number of recent articles & studies about the adverse effects staying up all night on the cell phone has on teens. Some of the kids sleep with the phones & their sleep is disturbed all night by the notifications etc. They also don't have the self control to let it build up so they review a few things in the morning. Everything has to be instant.

 

Show those studies to your son. Explain how you are concerned about his health & development as well as his friend's.

 

Take the phone away at night if you have to & return it to him at breakfast.

 

Thank you. Yes, I am the mother and pay the bill so I can do whatever I please with his phone. That in includes replacing the iPhone with a less technological gadget with round the clock internet access. That is a luxury that really should be earned. All this being said, I do understand how important privacy is to teens but I hate it when the I'm-entitled-to-privacy attitude emerges. No, you're not actually. When he works with me then I give him almost exclusive privacy (although he knows I can check it at any time), but when he is difficult and secretive and challenges me then I'm not so inclined.

 

As for taking it away at night, I do during the week. Every night it's in my room. He lost the privilege of having it in his room when I caught him on it at almost midnight on a school night. On the weekend I don't care as much but still don't want him up all night.

[Buzzle]

I am going to try to talk more casual and open with him, a little at a time. Like today he actually showed me a picture of her, so that's a step in the right direction. He claims that he didn't tell me about her because he thought I'd be mad that he gave his phone number to someone he hadn't met in person (in the event she really were an online predator rather than a 14 year old girl). I can kinda see his point but considering he has Skyped with her and therefore seen her as well as heard her, including in their gameplay, I don't think there would be much reason to be concerned about sharing his number. You can't google his number and get any info, and giving that out certainly isn't the same as giving out ones address.

 

I don't like that there seems to be little consideration of bedtimes though. Not quite sure how to handle that one. I picture the conversation being had with him and trying to stress that they each need their sleep, but I'm sure he'll internally be blowing me off because sleep is overrated in the eyes of teenagers. At least I take his means of communication at night so he can't be reached at all hours.