Verlaine Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 Currently the kids visit dad 2days a week. He's wanting to increase it to 4days a week. He lives 2miles away so kids are still in their hometown, and schools. Do you think having kids visit him 4 days and me (mother) 3 days will create instability for the kids, a sense of not having a "home"? Kids are 14, 10, 9yrs old. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 What does your Court order say in modifying the visitation? Consult with your attorney. If neither of you have Primary custody and are simply doing this thru private means, then it would stand to reason that you both feel the kids are worth your time and effort to come to a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 I don't see why it wouldn't be worth trying if you think it would benefit the kids and wasn't disruptive to their school schedules. Maybe in the summer you could swing it back the other way with 4 for you and three for him? When kids have two loving parents it's always in their best interests to spend as much time as possible with both of you. Best of luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 My husband and his Ex split the kids 50/50 - week on/week off. While there is instability, the kids are resilient and compartmentalize what happens at each home and the existence they have with each different parent. Mom's house is the chaotic one; no set bed-time, everyone eats when they want, what they want, and arguments are settled by who yells the loudest. Mom's is also the house with the most treats and junk food. Dad's house (now my house) is the calm one; I put a nice dinner on the table every evening and we all put our phones down and talk to one another, bed-time is 10:00 p.m., I make a lunch for their kids to take to school every day as well as breakfast (at Mom's they eat Pop-Tarts), and we discuss differences... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 That has crossed my mind with children who have parents who alternate weeks or split weeks. I think that because I am such a creature of habit it would be terrible for ME and make ME feel like I didn't have a home, but I'm not sure how a child would view it. You have a 14 year old, at that age I'm certain that he/she is well aware and can give you a good answer about how it would make him/her feel and a preference. Ultimately parents rule, but I'd certainly take a 14 year olds feelings into consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 My husband and his Ex split the kids 50/50 - week on/week off. While there is instability, the kids are resilient and compartmentalize what happens at each home and the existence they have with each different parent. Mom's house is the chaotic one; no set bed-time, everyone eats when they want, what they want, and arguments are settled by who yells the loudest. Mom's is also the house with the most treats and junk food. Dad's house (now my house) is the calm one; I put a nice dinner on the table every evening and we all put our phones down and talk to one another, bed-time is 10:00 p.m., I make a lunch for their kids to take to school every day as well as breakfast (at Mom's they eat Pop-Tarts), and we discuss differences... As a divorced single dad who was made to go above and beyond to get 50-50...I appreciate what you are doing for the kids, but I'll urge you to refrain from poking your nose into what goes on at the other house. You are not helping matters, and are just creating more stress for the kids and pitting one parent against the other. I complete get it as my son gets to do a lot more with me than at his mom's place, but I never ask about what happens there...I see it in his excitement when I pick him up from school. @OP....In family law, it's always about best interest of the child. There will come a time when you won't get a say in where the kids decide to live i.e. a point where the courts can't interfere in a child's decision. Here in Canada courts start to listen at age 14, and at 16 a child can go anywhere. So my point is, don't try to poison the mind of the kids..they are stupid and can see what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Tayken, I do not poke my nose in what goes on at the other house. I have NO interaction with the Ex-Wife except when she calls me for something. All of that information has been provided by the children. The youngest - 12 years old - is the one who said (over dinner), "Gosh, here we discuss things and over at Mom's, the one who wins the argument is the one who yells the loudest." The only thing I do is cook them the best food I can, drive them to-and-from, and listen to them. As I have never been a bio-Mom, I have very little knowledge about raising kids so I leave it all to my husband and don't even get involved in any disciplining. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Tayken, I do not poke my nose in what goes on at the other house. I have NO interaction with the Ex-Wife except when she calls me for something. All of that information has been provided by the children. The youngest - 12 years old - is the one who said (over dinner), "Gosh, here we discuss things and over at Mom's, the one who wins the argument is the one who yells the loudest." The only thing I do is cook them the best food I can, drive them to-and-from, and listen to them. As I have never been a bio-Mom, I have very little knowledge about raising kids so I leave it all to my husband and don't even get involved in any disciplining. Yes...I think you should leave it all to your husband, and note that kids will exaggerate at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Verlaine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 What does your Court order say in modifying the visitation? Consult with your attorney. If neither of you have Primary custody and are simply doing this thru private means, then it would stand to reason that you both feel the kids are worth your time and effort to come to a compromise. No court ordered visitation, me and ex still can chat and get along. Thanks for feedback Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 No court ordered visitation, me and ex still can chat and get along. Thanks for feedback It may seem that you are both mature in handling the parenting and visitation and I'm sure its worked out well . Because you have not set a legal docment in writing you do realize that either one of you can at any point take the kids and there is nothing that can be done to stop them. Without even a document to show primary custody neither of you are empowered to regulate visitation and custody for major decisions. The Pro's to such document is a set guide line agreed upon for medical, support, education, and even visitation and extended family. I hope you'll reconsider, it doesnt take much to sit down and hash out these concerns particularly if you are both on good terms as is. I'm not a fan of getting it in writing as I beleive people are as good as their words, yet I am also realistic enough to know that words can be broken and sometimes a document can have a better chance of sticking to the regime/agreement. Mine was rather open ended and flexible. Yet it was created for protection and guidance on major decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 My stbxh and myself haven't gone through the family court thus we don't have any parenting order in place. We are both trying to stay out of any courts and just deal with our separation in friendly terms. I have primary care and he has them on the weekends when he can. He has 4 other flatmates and between them, they have 7 kids altogether (ages from 5-12). Its therefore more fun there when my kids get together with the others, compared to my house where we have stricter rules and run on schedules. We have gone through the kids comparing house rules between mine and their dad's and it has caused some instability, "oh, but we're allowed this or that at dad's". But I persisted and now the kids understand that they have to be flexible and adjust their actions / activities depending on which house they're at. Sure we still have problems but I am consistent as I believe this will set their boundaries for later on in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Verlaine, Have you offered your children the opportunity to share their own thoughts, feelings, fears and concerns about the proposed change? To me, they are old enough to be involved in the decision, to whatever level. Perhaps, though, first discuss with their dad and ask if he will be okay giving the children a voice...and listening to them...and backing down from his request if the children do not feel that their lives will be enhanced, or if they feel that it will have a negative effect/impact. Hhmmm...if Dad is willing/agreeable to that, then maybe you and he together should sit down with the children; make it a 'family meeting'? Link to post Share on other sites
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