I have difficulty loving my daughter

[guiltymom]

I am a happily married mom with an 18 month old daughter. I have a great relationship with my husband, even better after our daughter was born. Unfortunately I don't love her. At most I feel a kind of fondness for her, but I'm not attached to her.

 

This bothers the hell out of me. I thought when I was pregnant I would eventually feel that "bond", but I never did. Not when she was born and not now. I love my husband and my husband and family adore her, so I struggle to love her for his sake and hers, but at 18 months out that bond still has not kicked in. I take great care of her, play with her, cuddle her, etc, but I don't feel any attachment to her and no love other than the fondness you might have for a small pet.

 

I want to love her, but the love just never happens. I don't know what to do. I'm good at pretending, but I feel constantly guilty over it. I suspect it may have something to do with childhood abuse I myself suffered, but our financial situation is very, very bad and I have no money/babysitter to see any kind of therapist. I really don't know what to do. I want to be a great mom, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I thought the love would come over time, but it hasn't happened yet...

[GorillaTheater]

That's a big problem. I'm going to extrapolate my experience with my mom to your situation, so maybe it's not accurate in your case but my concern is that it unfortunately is.

 

You're a step or two from resentment, three or four from emotional abuse, and a half-dozen from physical abuse. You have to get counseling to sort out why you feel the way you do (or don't, as the case may be), and if nothing else have a safe person to vent to. Don't wait until you've taken the additional steps I mentioned; don't let it get to the point where you're damaging your daughter.

 

Money's a problem, I get that. But you and your daughter can't afford for you not to get some help.

[amaysngrace]

Women's shelters offer free counseling where I live. You should look into the ones near you and explain your situation.

 

They have many connections and can hook you up with what you need if they aren't able to help you there directly.

 

Please call them.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm so sorry, that sounds so awful. I have read about this before when a friends daughter had postpartum depression. Can you go back to your OB? They deal with this often. I didn't experience this so it's hard to imagine but it seems to be very common. One in five mothers I believe I read do not bond instantly with their children. There is help and I don't think you need years of costly therapy, please just give your OB's nurse a call. The only shame is in not addressing the issue. Some moms are easily able to bond with their first child but not their second and visa versa.

[Ronni_W]

I suspect it may have something to do with childhood abuse I myself suffered

If that is your instinct, then likely it is accurate.

You cannot, though...it would be extremely unwise to just leave it at that. You can start by just exploring through self-questions. "Am I looking to protect my daughter through my feelings...and if so, how?" "What could be possible benefits by withholding my love-feelings from my daughter?" "What could be possible outcomes if I do allow myself to just start feeling more of it?"

 

Let your own intuition/instinct start helping you a bit more. No pressure, just ask those kinds of questions. A journal might prove useful...the 'dollar store' has the prettiest ones, in any case.

 

You may be able to get no-cost or minimal-cost therapy with students who are graduating from psychology/mental health professional training programs. Contact relevant departments at local colleges, universities.

Also, if it's within your personal belief system, usually counseling is offered for free through faith-based organizations.

 

Hugs and best of luck. I can only imagine your internal struggle.

[Blade96]

This bothers the hell out of me. I thought when I was pregnant I would eventually feel that "bond"

 

- and this is why I hate the delusion people spin. You know the drill: "parenthood is the best thing ever" "it's all worth it" "you'll love it when it gets here" and on and on.

 

I wish more people would tell the TRUTH about things.

 

I feel sorry for you and wish I could give you a hug. You most likely fell for those lines too.

[Tayla]

This bothers the hell out of me. I thought when I was pregnant I would eventually feel that "bond"

 

- and this is why I hate the delusion people spin. You know the drill: "parenthood is the best thing ever" "it's all worth it" "you'll love it when it gets here" and on and on.

 

I wish more people would tell the TRUTH about things.

 

I feel sorry for you and wish I could give you a hug. You most likely fell for those lines too.

 

Pardon but the Poster is not delusional one way or the other. She is suffering from dissassociation after a traumatic experience, which for some women child birth is. Its deserving of professional advisal and not someone who wants to chant some off the wall reasoning which is not valid (or truthfull).

To the OP- The sooner you garner the ambition to seek help the sooner you can adjust and remove the guilt. The positive recommendations here seem adequate to assist you. Try them. You and your daughter both deserve a healthy form of bonding.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Tayla

[anika99]

Pardon but the Poster is not delusional one way or the other. She is suffering from dissassociation after a traumatic experience, which for some women child birth is. Its deserving of professional advisal and not someone who wants to chant some off the wall reasoning which is not valid (or truthfull).

To the OP- The sooner you garner the ambition to seek help the sooner you can adjust and remove the guilt. The positive recommendations here seem adequate to assist you. Try them. You and your daughter both deserve a healthy form of bonding.

 

I don't think he was calling the OP delusional, I think he was saying that people who go around saying things like "parenthood is the best" or "you'll love your baby when it gets here" are spinning delusions and not being honest about what it's really like to have children. Not saying I agree with him but that's what I think he meant.

 

 

OP it took me a while to really love my babies. I'm unable to love people I don't know and to me my babies were little strangers. I didn't know them so how the heck could I love them. I felt nothing for them when I was pregnant. Totally could not relate to women who would talk about loving their baby already when they were only like 4 months pregnant. Once they were born I felt a sort of motherly protective instinct for them which is what made me take care of them and watch over them but it still wasn't love.

 

 

It was when they were between the ages of about 6 months and 12 months that my love for them began to grow and by the time they were about 2 yrs old I fully loved them and I was bonded to them. I don't know why I didn't have that immediate bond that mothers are supposed to have. Perhaps it was hormonal or perhaps I just really can't love someone until I get to know them, not even my own children.

 

 

So I don't think it's terribly weird that you didn't love your baby immediately but it is a bit concerning that at 18 months you still don't lover her. I'm thinking maybe post partum depression as was already mentioned. Do you have any other symptoms of possible depression? Do you have any anxiety? Talk to your doctor about what you are feeling and take it from there. I don't think you should ignore this because I fear that you may become resentful and abusive towards your daughter if you don't figure this out. I'm sure you are not an abusive person but toddlers and kids can look like nothing more than little annoying brats to those who don't love them. Also as your daughter grows up she will know something is missing in her relationship with you. She will intuitively sense that you don't love her, even if she never consciously thinks it or says it out loud, she will feel it and it will affect her deeply.

 

 

Talk to your doctor and if the doctor recommends counselling then let him/her know of your financial situation. They might know of some options or resources to get you help.

[whichwayisup]

I am a happily married mom with an 18 month old daughter. I have a great relationship with my husband, even better after our daughter was born. Unfortunately I don't love her. At most I feel a kind of fondness for her, but I'm not attached to her.

 

This bothers the hell out of me. I thought when I was pregnant I would eventually feel that "bond", but I never did. Not when she was born and not now. I love my husband and my husband and family adore her, so I struggle to love her for his sake and hers, but at 18 months out that bond still has not kicked in. I take great care of her, play with her, cuddle her, etc, but I don't feel any attachment to her and no love other than the fondness you might have for a small pet.

 

I want to love her, but the love just never happens. I don't know what to do. I'm good at pretending, but I feel constantly guilty over it. I suspect it may have something to do with childhood abuse I myself suffered, but our financial situation is very, very bad and I have no money/babysitter to see any kind of therapist. I really don't know what to do. I want to be a great mom, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I thought the love would come over time, but it hasn't happened yet...

 

My only advice to you is to seek one on one counseling and get help with a professional. Your past maybe is interfering. Please borrow the money if need be, because you need help. Your family can help babysit or your husband can be with the baby.

[Candy_Pants]

My therapist said she'd love to have the baby there in session with us. I'd like to think other therapists would understand this necessity as well.

 

If your financial situation is bad you can get free (or ridiculously cheap) mental health care. Look into it online. If you have insurance through the state you live in you can also get free rides to and from your appointments. No need to tip the driver or anything.

 

Please. Please. Please! Take advantage of these services. I'm 38 weeks along and I was abused as an infant too. It was because of this that I wanted to nip any depression in the bud.

 

You deserve to feel that love. And so does your baby.

[Blade96]

I don't think he was calling the OP delusional, I think he was saying that people who go around saying things like "parenthood is the best" or "you'll love your baby when it gets here" are spinning delusions and not being honest about what it's really like to have children

 

Right. So when the other poster said she was most likely suffering from a disassciation, it's one of the things (of many) bad things that can happen when a person decides to become a parent. But the things people hear, they NEVER tell you this stuff. They say it's all worth it and you'll love it when it gets here. So I think many people fall for those lines spun and yes I feel sorry for the OP and her daughter. If I could hug OP I would. (I'm a woman by the way)

[guiltymom]

Pardon but the Poster is not delusional one way or the other. She is suffering from dissassociation after a traumatic experience, which for some women child birth is. Its deserving of professional advisal and not someone who wants to chant some off the wall reasoning which is not valid (or truthfull).

To the OP- The sooner you garner the ambition to seek help the sooner you can adjust and remove the guilt. The positive recommendations here seem adequate to assist you. Try them. You and your daughter both deserve a healthy form of bonding.

 

 

I think you may be right about it being disassociation, the birth was the worst day of my life. I'm not going to talk about what was done to me on a public board but long story short I'm not going to be talking to that OB again. I thought some very dark thoughts for a long time after that. I guess I still do if I'm not careful. I would trade just about anything to undo the way things went that day. I'm not who I used to be.

 

I think it does make me very reluctant to talk to a therapist because I don't want to have to talk about that day with anyone, ever. I try not to think about it. Just thinking about it enough to type about it on here has made me sick and shaky, ha.

Edited September 5, 2014 by guiltymom

[Candy_Pants]

I think you may be right about it being disassociation, the birth was the worst day of my life. I'm not going to talk about what was done to me on a public board but long story short I'm not going to be talking to that OB again. I thought some very dark thoughts for a long time after that. I guess I still do if I'm not careful. I would trade just about anything to undo the way things went that day. I'm not who I used to be.

 

I think it does make me very reluctant to talk to a therapist because I don't want to have to talk about that day with anyone, ever. I try not to think about it. Just thinking about it enough to type about it on here has made me sick and shaky, ha.

 

I'm very sorry that your personal power was taken from you on what could've been a beautiful and empowering day.

 

And I'm sorry to tell you that in order to properly process the trauma of that day you'll have to open up to someone about it.

 

There are anonymous forums and support groups. Your story and bravery could help other struggling mothers as much as yourself.

 

I'm resisting going on a rant about the state of hospital births in this country, but I have researched a lot and I think I have a small idea of what could've happened. I'm sorry.

[amaysngrace]

I think you may be right about it being disassociation, the birth was the worst day of my life. I'm not going to talk about what was done to me on a public board but long story short I'm not going to be talking to that OB again. I thought some very dark thoughts for a long time after that. I guess I still do if I'm not careful. I would trade just about anything to undo the way things went that day. I'm not who I used to be.

 

I think it does make me very reluctant to talk to a therapist because I don't want to have to talk about that day with anyone, ever. I try not to think about it. Just thinking about it enough to type about it on here has made me sick and shaky, ha.

 

You know, I haven't been back to my OB/GYN since I gave birth to my daughter either. My one friend pesters me to get a new one and get a Pap smear and I know she's right but I'm just not looking forward to being exposed again like that. I've been putting it off for 16 years.

 

I too dissociate so I know what that's like.

 

I think your baby is a trigger for you in some way as odd as that may sound. That's a terrible place you're in, I can only imagine.

 

You really do deserve to have that bond with your child...it's a beautiful thing indeed. Don't rob yourself of that one more day...please.

 

The worst is over. You already survived the trauma and you're a strong person because you're reaching out now. You want to be well. You want to be normal. You want to be a good mom too or else you wouldn't feel guilty about it.

 

Talking about it in therapy will be hard but it won't be as hard as what you've already lived through.

 

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. And you're smarter than a lot of people who don't even recognize that there's a problem.

 

What happened to you is not your fault. Doing nothing and remaining dysfunctional is though.

 

Be brave and do what is best for you and heal from your past wounds. It's about time you were happy. You've deserved that all along.

 

xo

[tippydog90]

My daughter is almost three and we adopted her at birth. Since before she was born, I have posted and read postings on an adoption forum. What you are describing about the lack of an instantaneous bond is more common than you think. MANY of the woman posting on the adoption forums expressed the same feelings that you are expressing, and this did not apply just to their adoptive children, but many woman posted they felt this lack of immediate bond to their bio children also. Not trying to minimize what you are going through at all, but it is much more common than you might think it is. You should definitely see someone and seek out counseling, but also know that just because that intense bond isn't there right now, doesn't mean in 6 months it won't be. Many of the woman described the bond as literally happening overnight at some point. Like a light bulb went on and they just had this overpowering feeling of love. So hang in there and talk to someone about it. I know with my little one, I loved her from the moment she was born (but also struggled with realizing she was really mine), but I also must say that that love has intensified in the last three years. So it wasn't like my immediate love for her was overpowering and all encompassing either, it has grown over the last three years in intensity.

[whichwayisup]

I think you may be right about it being disassociation, the birth was the worst day of my life. I'm not going to talk about what was done to me on a public board but long story short I'm not going to be talking to that OB again. I thought some very dark thoughts for a long time after that. I guess I still do if I'm not careful. I would trade just about anything to undo the way things went that day. I'm not who I used to be.

 

I think it does make me very reluctant to talk to a therapist because I don't want to have to talk about that day with anyone, ever. I try not to think about it. Just thinking about it enough to type about it on here has made me sick and shaky, ha.

 

Post trauma happening? Sounds like you need to talk to a lawyer if something happened while you were giving birth.

 

PPD is something very serious so if you really are having dark thoughts and disconnected, medication can help so do talk to your family Dr. Whatever it is that happened, you can't hold it in forever, it'll eat you alive... I hope someday soon you can find a trustworthy person, whether it be a therapist, or your best friend, or even husband, to talk to.

[Hope Shimmers]

You are a great mother, or you would not be taking care of your daughter and here posting about your concerns.

 

Whatever happened to you during her delivery was horribly traumatic for you. She is triggering it because - obviously - she is why you were in labor. I can understand why you are struggling.

 

Please find help. Preferably with a counselor, whatever that takes, but even just sharing on any anonymous message board if it helps. No one knows you and you can open up without fear of being identified.

 

I repeat - you are a GREAT mother. You take care of your daughter probably as well or better than most parents, and you recognize this to be a problem and have reached out. Don't let it keep taking over your life. Whatever happened to you is NOT your fault. The birth of your daughter should have been a positive day for you, but the fact that it wasn't is not your fault or your daughter's.

[juicygirl]

The first thing I was going to ask when I read this post was did you have a c section or traumatic labor, but I see from what you wrote you did.

It's not your fault, normally your brain should release endorphins to make you bond, you feel high for days. As the birth was terrific you didn't. You probably went in to survival mode if anything. I'm not a therapist, but this does sound like post traumatic stress disorder caused by the child abuse and birth, hence the reason you feel nothing for her, or you could be worried that you'll love her too much( if I don't love her, I can't hurt her) Please, please talk to someone, does your husband know how you feel?

 

Virtual hugs x

[truncated]

It's courageous for you to admit your feelings and ask for help.

 

Could it be that love has hurt you in the past, and you are almost afraid to love that deeply again?

 

There are low cost and free mental health services out there who can help you through this. Don't feel guilty or ashamed, they've heard things like this before and know how to help you sort out what's going on and begin to help yourself heal.