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If you overprotect your kids, will they turn out shy?


Lipitor11

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My parents overprotected me when I was a kid. I was very sheltered and became shy. They kept telling me to never talk to strangers, don't trust anyone, beware of kidnappers, etc, etc. Their whole way of parenting me messed me up. I'm still shy and not an open person, people can see that. And to this day, they still tell who I can or can't date. And I'm in my 30's.

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Hmm, it's hard to say. I think it does have an effect to some extent. I think over protection is more likely to make your kids become neurotic. My mom and grandma freaked out if I went anywhere alone, because god forbid someone rapes or kidnaps me. They still do this and I'm 25.

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IfWishesWereHorses

I think it has a small influence but not as much as you're saying. Look at families with multiple children who were raised in the same environment. I believe for the most part that your personality is determined at birth, THEN secondly influenced by environmental factors based on what you were born with. My children are night and day, my sisters and I are night and day. I do believe as an adult that you can work to change those things to some extent.

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Well all parents tell their kids not to talk to strangers and to be wary of kidnappers. Personally I've never seen a link between overprotective parents and shy kids. I have friends who are very overprotective of their kids who are all now teenagers. None of their 3 kids are the least bit shy. In contrast I was a painfully shy child and I wasn't the least bit overprotected. My mom and stepfather were into drugs and didn't hardly pay any attention to what I was doing.

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No. How we are parented will only "activate" or exacerbate our own natural, innate sensibilities. My brother and I were parented by the same individuals...but we are almost opposite in nature, as adults.

 

At some point, it is up to the "former child" to make self-determining choices, decisions about how they want their own life to look and feel and be.

My almost 80-year old aunt is still blaming her mother for the aunt's mistakes, failings, flaws and how her life turned out. In my mind, that cannot be the sane, wise way to go.

 

Your parents are still in control and telling you who you can and cannot date only because you are allowing, permitting that to happen only for whatever your own reasons and benefits you derive from it. Even if it really doesn't feel like that at all.

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That can be why, unless you rebel against being that way, as many do. The main thing that dictates how were are, though, is how are parents are, what behavior they exhibit. If they're social or reclusive, whatever it is, kids will feel that's the norm during their formative years and until they get out into a bigger world, and by then it can be too late to change.

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OP, perhaps that's possible but, IMO, it's a combination of intrinsic personality and socialization.

 

My parents gave me a lot of freedom at a young age and didn't hover at all, at least not that I can remember. Most of my childhood was spent doing things on my own, both at home and out in the world, ranging from going off to play little league on my own to having a paper route and collecting money from strangers. I was still pretty shy, especially with girls. Making friends and meeting people, no problem. IMO, my parents did their best and their 'pushing' helped overcome a lot of intrinsic shyness, but not all.

 

OTOH, I could see a naturally outgoing kid rebelling against a parent's overprotectiveness, as well as a naturally shy kid really going overboard into introversion if their parents were overprotective. IMO, it all depends on the child's personality and how it intermeshes with the parent's style of socialization.

 

Regarding dating, I don't ever recall my parents encouraging or discouraging me from dating, whether as a teen or adult. They were completely neutral. However, mom would stock beer in the fridge even though neither of my parents drank. 'Have a cold one after a hot day's work' she would say. Didn't really interest me though. That's how it went.

 

IMO, place some physical distance and solid boundaries between yourself and your parents and see how it goes. That's part of being a man. You'll always be their child but you're a man too.

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My brother is shy and my one sister is shyish but the rest of us are/were outgoing.

 

And my brother was given more freedoms than any of us girls simply because he was a boy.

 

So no. I don't think so.

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I mean no disrespect from your parents for they had the proper use of protecting you during the formitable years. Where they errored is that we are "inter-active" people. Nuturing confidence and a sense of trust in others is an area they fell short. My son is protective of his child yet he promotes asking permission when a stranger approaches him. He looks to his dad for guidance in whether this person is trustworthy or not. telling a child to not talk to stranger and using it literally is not creating indepence. Imagine the kid going to school, every person there is a stranger, yet they are told to speak up! Answer questions, get along with classmates. How can they when they have been cautioned to NOT talk or participate? I had two incidences where I allowed the seemingly innocent transaction of entrusting a strange only to be harmed physically. So there is some truth even in adulthood that some folks are not to be trusted. Try to find some social group that allow you to be out and about so you can garner a sense of who is trusting and worth regard. Best to you.

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still_an_Angel

A combination of parenting style with an individual child's personality comes into play. I treat all my kids the same way but its their personalities that determines 'shyness' I think. My eldest is very outspoken and out there vs. my second child who can be timid and has to be encouraged to stand up for herself at times. I think I can be overprotective sometimes (gotta be) but generally encourage them to be independent thinkers.

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  • 2 weeks later...
My parents overprotected me when I was a kid. I was very sheltered and became shy. They kept telling me to never talk to strangers, don't trust anyone, beware of kidnappers, etc, etc. Their whole way of parenting me messed me up. I'm still shy and not an open person, people can see that. And to this day, they still tell who I can or can't date. And I'm in my 30's.

 

My parents treated me that way. My mom never likes anyone I date. I am emotionally a messed up person with issues due to how I was raised.

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thefooloftheyear

I/we barely had food on the table and oftentimes had utilities shut off ..My siblings and I were shuttled off to relatives houses to live when we were little kids..

 

We somehow survived...I became a successful businessman and dedicated father and am now counted on by many people...Im not perfect, but at some point early on, I had to take responsibility for my own actions and make my own way...That "epiphany" happened at around 16/17 years old...

 

OP...You are in your 30's....Is sounds like your parents actually cared a great deal for you...Some cant share that experience and might actually have prefered it over their own upbringing...

 

Stop blaming them for your inadequacies...All it does is become a crutch for all of your failures..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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1) Parents telling their kids things like "don't talk to strangers", "beware of kidnappers", "don't trust strangers" does NOT mean that they are overprotecting those kids nor does it mean that the kids lived a sheltered childhood. C'mon, any good parent would teach their kids things along those lines. The kid can still have friends, go out and ride bikes, participate in group activities (in and out of school) and so on. When I think of "overprotective" or "sheltered", I think of more extreme cases where the parents are almost walling them off from the world. Doing that when the kid is 4 or 5 is one thing, but if the kid is 13-15 years old and still has no more freedom than he did a decade ago that may be a concern. Ideally, Kids would be gradually exposed to various experiences and situations in the world in order to build up their self-confidence and to prep them for adulthood.

 

2) I don't think there's much of a correlation between overprotective parents and the kid being shy. (I think there's a stronger connection between an abusive or oppressive household and a shy kid.) I think shyness is genetic to an extent, but if it's diagnosed early enough in life it is possible for the kid to overcome it by his teenage or young adult years.

 

3) I think there's a stronger connection between a sheltered childhood and a kid being more socially awkward than the norm. He/she is more likely to be insufficiently prepared to navigate the real world on his or her own, so he'll have to try and play catch-up. Socialization is something that many of us had regular and varied exposure to while we were young.

 

When it comes to kids, it's important not to think in absolutes or generalities. Every child has unique "wiring" and wise parents will recognize that and tailor their parenting accordingly.

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Michelle ma Belle
1) Parents telling their kids things like "don't talk to strangers", "beware of kidnappers", "don't trust strangers" does NOT mean that they are overprotecting those kids nor does it mean that the kids lived a sheltered childhood. C'mon, any good parent would teach their kids things along those lines. The kid can still have friends, go out and ride bikes, participate in group activities (in and out of school) and so on. When I think of "overprotective" or "sheltered", I think of more extreme cases where the parents are almost walling them off from the world. Doing that when the kid is 4 or 5 is one thing, but if the kid is 13-15 years old and still has no more freedom than he did a decade ago that may be a concern. Ideally, Kids would be gradually exposed to various experiences and situations in the world in order to build up their self-confidence and to prep them for adulthood.

 

2) I don't think there's much of a correlation between overprotective parents and the kid being shy. (I think there's a stronger connection between an abusive or oppressive household and a shy kid.) I think shyness is genetic to an extent, but if it's diagnosed early enough in life it is possible for the kid to overcome it by his teenage or young adult years.

 

3) I think there's a stronger connection between a sheltered childhood and a kid being more socially awkward than the norm. He/she is more likely to be insufficiently prepared to navigate the real world on his or her own, so he'll have to try and play catch-up. Socialization is something that many of us had regular and varied exposure to while we were young.

When it comes to kids, it's important not to think in absolutes or generalities. Every child has unique "wiring" and wise parents will recognize that and tailor their parenting accordingly.

 

Bingo on all points but especially the part in bold.

 

I had a brother that was 2 years younger than me and I was raised in a loving home but where double standards were applied in spades. While it appeared that my brother could got away with murder, my parents had me in lock down on just about anything and everything "because I was a girl". To say they were over protective would be an understatement. I daydreamed about defying them countless times, and did on a few occasions but dealing with the repercussions of my brother's shenanigans was a full time job for my parents and I just felt like I couldn't add more stress in their lives. Instead, I settled into the role of being the "good" girl for the sake of my parent's sanity.

 

Having been raised with over protective parents I can tell you that it indeed affected me in how I came to view the world and especially how I interacted with it both good and not so good. I wasn't socially awkward at all (thank GOD!) but I did have this naive, almost romanticized view of the world despite the fear mongering that went hand in hand with raising an only girl.

 

Ultimately, being raised in this way made me very suspicious of everything and everyone particularly whenever life would turn around and bite me in the ass.

 

If I didn't realize how sheltered I was back then, I certainly realized it when I separated from my husband. Having gone from living at home with my parents to being married, my reintroduction into the world after 20 years was an eye opening experience to say the least.

 

Like a prisoner finally being set free, I had some SERIOUS living to do! I have often commented on that period as my "fun years". I was making up for lost time, experiencing a delayed adolescence or arrested development as direct result of how I was raised. Being an official adult now, I didn't have to answer to my parents (or my husband for that matter) any longer and THAT was intoxicating.

 

Thankfully, I've gotten all of that out of my system and have settled into a comfortably happy and peaceful place in my life.

 

As a parent myself, I now understand the innate need to protect my children from all kinds of unhappy and uncomfortable bits in life. It's hard not to repeat history to some extent which is why I work VERY hard to find a balance between protecting my children and giving them wings to step out on their own knowing I'll always be here for them. It's hard sometimes but necessary if we want to raise well-rounded and conscientious human beings.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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Hope for the best, but have a plan for the worst. That's what my family teaches.

 

 

 

 

 

......and I just enrolled my young daughter in JKD/MMA school.....;):cool:

Edited by dichotomy
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My parents overprotected me when I was a kid. I was very sheltered and became shy. They kept telling me to never talk to strangers, don't trust anyone, beware of kidnappers, etc, etc. Their whole way of parenting me messed me up. I'm still shy and not an open person, people can see that. And to this day, they still tell who I can or can't date. And I'm in my 30's.

 

I don't think it made me shy, but it sure made me anhedonic (unable to enjoy the usual delinquent pleasures). I wasn't allowed to do a whole lot when I was a kid. I missed out on a lot of living.

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My parents overprotected me when I was a kid. I was very sheltered and became shy.

 

OP are your parents shy? we mimic them.

 

to your question --- i believe overprotective parents produce non-risk taking adults. they become good workers not good leaders or visionaries.

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OP are your parents shy? we mimic them.

 

to your question --- i believe overprotective parents produce non-risk taking adults. they become good workers not good leaders or visionaries.

 

 

This is so true on so many levels. Just look around in all facets of life, and you will see that the ones leading, using initiatives and with a second to none work ethic, are those that were made aware from a younger age that they world is not rosy, and things don't get given to you on a platter.

 

I grew up in a household where my parents will beat me getting a 70 - 80% in tests and exams, and asking why I couldn't have done better. What did I learn from all this? That doing bare minimum is not good enough, perseverance, and that obstacles in life are there to be knocked over whilst you carry on.

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My parents overprotected me when I was a kid. I was very sheltered and became shy. They kept telling me to never talk to strangers, don't trust anyone, beware of kidnappers, etc, etc. Their whole way of parenting me messed me up. I'm still shy and not an open person, people can see that. And to this day, they still tell who I can or can't date. And I'm in my 30's.

 

Shy or not - you can become what YOU choose.

 

It's a matter of deciding yourself and taking action to make that decision happen.

 

If your family gives their opinion you can calmly state "I didn't ask for your opinion".

 

Have you read the book "the four agreements" by Ruiz? That book set me on a path to becoming my true self. Not the person my big family thought "I should be".

 

 

Making others happy only to be unhappy with yourself is very backwards.

 

It's tough to go against the grain at first but family will adjust to you having your own voice and your own decisions.

 

You can also tell them "I'm old enough to decide for myself".

 

And I think kids are either born shy or not. Shyness can be overcome with behavioral therapy. I did a lot of that with my older son before he went to kindergarten.

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It's good to be protected, when you're a kid.

It's good to protect kids.

Safety is a fundamental human need.

 

The killer part is the "over".

 

When I was a kid - from the get-go.....I dreamed of freedom.

I learned pretty quick that freedom came with a price.

So I earned it.

It became the most valuable thing in the world.

 

When my kids were growing up.....I always looked for the freedom in their eyes. And paid attention.

Knowing the value of freedom, and what it's there for, and what you can do with it, and why it matters.....gives you a leg up, in this world.

 

The greatest freedom is the freedom to be your true self.

It takes a lot of freedom......to uncover who that really is.

 

The single most important defining thing I ever learned as a man, was how to protect children. It's a wonderful thing to do.

But I was lucky. I had two parents who knew exactly how to do that - without the "over" part.

 

Let me put it this way:

With kids, you're relaxed, confident, warm, funny, loving, alert, alive, aware, awake..........

and one more thing: that little pixie who sits on your left shoulder, ever vigilant.....testing the air, for anything that feels like danger.

And knows what is danger, and what isn't.

That's one smart pixie.

Who teaches you how to run your own show.

(Learned at freedom's feet.)

 

We can talk a lot about freedom. Idolize it, commodify it.....turn it into a national identity, pontificate, orate and all of that.

But if kids ain't free, then we never were smart enough to know how to shape our world into what makes them so.

It is indeed, a proud torch to hand off to a kid.

From training wheels, to training bras, to basic training, to thinking for yourself all by yourself.

The freedom that begets courage, knowledge, compassion, and self-understanding.

It's a nice legacy.

 

Overs and unders, and just-rights. :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

Overprotective do tend to produce kids that are more reserved. But underprotective parents, tend to have kids that get into trouble due to not being supervised. It's a Catch-22

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